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Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

Number of Replies: 395
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:13 am
Author : dataimport
Does someone in your family always have to one-up you? Or are you tired of watching your family members try to outdo one another?

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October 23, 2005, 2:26 pm CDT

tuff...........

Quote From: ritehere

 It's not working because it's not getting the point across to him. He can still go out drinking whenever he wants, he's got someone at home taking care of his kids paying half of the bills. If you got a real separation, he would have to pay support for his kids while keeping a roof over his own head. He wouldn't get to see his kids unless he was sober and wouldn't be drinking up any of your money or being threatening or disrespectful to you.

Dr Phil says that alcoholism is a deal-breaker, cause for getting away until the alcoholic can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has changed his ways. If he can't, kick him to the curb. Because he's ruining his life does not make it even close to OK to ruin yours and the kids' lives.

Get some legal advice, and information on assistance programs and support groups. Your kids only have one childhood, do you want them learning the lessons they are learning in your current household?

He is the one losing, not you.  Think about how your kids feel watching him come home drunk.  As they get older they will become bitter and disrespectful. Children learn from example. Is this the example you want them to learn.. New steps are always hard to take.  But they are worth it.  Try Alanon, it is for families of alcohlics, or your church.  Just get him out of you life before you destroy their lives. 

 
October 24, 2005, 4:51 pm CDT

What do I do?

My mother has many issues from her past resulting from abusive relationships that I feel has started to affect our relationship.  I feel like no matter what I do she always doubts me even though I have given her no reason to do so.  Every time I ask her some thing simple such as, can you not leave your shoes in my living room (she lives behind us) she gets VERY angry and tells me she won't be scolded.  I do my best to ask her nicely because I know how she is but still there's no talking to her.  She repeatedly says we don't care about her even though we do our best to include her in everything because 95% of the time we really do like having her around.  Also, I have a very good relationship with my husband and she seems to get jealous or resentful when he does things for me.  We've been married six years and she has never once congratulated us on our anniversary and seems to be bothered when my father buys us anniversary gifts.  (I mean little gifts even like a gift certificate.)  She and my father have been seperated for 13 years.  I also feel as if she resents my relationship with him because it bothers her when he does things for  me.  I don't know how to resolve this with her.  She doesn't respect my husband and will make comments like "well if you want him to do anything you'd better have her (me) ask him because otherwise forget it!"  Yes my husband does spoil me, and I him so shouldn't that make her happy for us.  I'm getting tired of dealing with these issues that I have no ownership in.  I don't know what to do and it bothers me because if my father comes over and she is there it's uncomfortable because she always has a chip on her shoulder.  I've told her if she doesn't like being around him then not to be but she'll stay anyway and make things uncomfortable for all of us.  Also, she is showing less and less respect for my husband who won't tell her anything because he doesn't want to start problems for me.  What do I do???  Any advice? 

 
October 25, 2005, 1:01 pm CDT

Mom's issues

Quote From: roselillie

My mother has many issues from her past resulting from abusive relationships that I feel has started to affect our relationship.  I feel like no matter what I do she always doubts me even though I have given her no reason to do so.  Every time I ask her some thing simple such as, can you not leave your shoes in my living room (she lives behind us) she gets VERY angry and tells me she won't be scolded.  I do my best to ask her nicely because I know how she is but still there's no talking to her.  She repeatedly says we don't care about her even though we do our best to include her in everything because 95% of the time we really do like having her around.  Also, I have a very good relationship with my husband and she seems to get jealous or resentful when he does things for me.  We've been married six years and she has never once congratulated us on our anniversary and seems to be bothered when my father buys us anniversary gifts.  (I mean little gifts even like a gift certificate.)  She and my father have been seperated for 13 years.  I also feel as if she resents my relationship with him because it bothers her when he does things for  me.  I don't know how to resolve this with her.  She doesn't respect my husband and will make comments like "well if you want him to do anything you'd better have her (me) ask him because otherwise forget it!"  Yes my husband does spoil me, and I him so shouldn't that make her happy for us.  I'm getting tired of dealing with these issues that I have no ownership in.  I don't know what to do and it bothers me because if my father comes over and she is there it's uncomfortable because she always has a chip on her shoulder.  I've told her if she doesn't like being around him then not to be but she'll stay anyway and make things uncomfortable for all of us.  Also, she is showing less and less respect for my husband who won't tell her anything because he doesn't want to start problems for me.  What do I do???  Any advice? 

It sounds like your mom has unresolved issues from her past, and she takes it out on you when she has the opportunity. Its not fair, because you just want to live in peace, you want to love and respect the people around you and you expect that treatment back. Sounds good to me!! 

It sounds as though your mom has several issues, and you are not going to be able to help her until she wants to help herself. Its very unfortunate, because you shouldn't be the one to suffer for her past. My advice to you is when you have an issue, say the shoes on the floor- approach her like this, 'mom, i love you very much and honestly like having you around, I want to live in peace and I would love it if we could agree to respect one another. Having said that, I want you to know that I don't want to scold you because I know youare not a child, you are an adult, but could you please put your shoes somewhere else?' Yes its a mouthful, but by giving her handfulls of compliments mixed in with the request, how could she argue with that?? This is called validating her- let her know she is a valuable human in your eyes. She isn't the shoes, she isn't the "issues", she is your mom, but she is thinking of herself as the shoes. But the shoes are just a symptom. Your mom's problems are the real issue. I wish you luck! 

 
October 25, 2005, 3:55 pm CDT

What do I do?

Quote From: jenoc99

It sounds like your mom has unresolved issues from her past, and she takes it out on you when she has the opportunity. Its not fair, because you just want to live in peace, you want to love and respect the people around you and you expect that treatment back. Sounds good to me!! 

It sounds as though your mom has several issues, and you are not going to be able to help her until she wants to help herself. Its very unfortunate, because you shouldn't be the one to suffer for her past. My advice to you is when you have an issue, say the shoes on the floor- approach her like this, 'mom, i love you very much and honestly like having you around, I want to live in peace and I would love it if we could agree to respect one another. Having said that, I want you to know that I don't want to scold you because I know youare not a child, you are an adult, but could you please put your shoes somewhere else?' Yes its a mouthful, but by giving her handfulls of compliments mixed in with the request, how could she argue with that?? This is called validating her- let her know she is a valuable human in your eyes. She isn't the shoes, she isn't the "issues", she is your mom, but she is thinking of herself as the shoes. But the shoes are just a symptom. Your mom's problems are the real issue. I wish you luck! 

That sounds like a good idea.  I will try it and I appreciate your advice.  I hope she will respond favoribly and not with another arguement but all I can do is try. 
 
October 27, 2005, 7:19 am CDT

try

Quote From: roselillie

That sounds like a good idea.  I will try it and I appreciate your advice.  I hope she will respond favoribly and not with another arguement but all I can do is try. 
That is also what I was going to say- all you can do is keep trying! You can't just give up, right? You all deserve to live in peace.
 
October 27, 2005, 11:50 am CDT

Mom competes with stepmom

This is my first post.  I couldn't find a blended family section, so I"m posting it here. 

  

I have so many concerns about my stepchildren's mother.  I am at a loss for new ideas on convincing her that I'm not interested in "replacing her" as she keeps saying.   

  

Do anyone have any advice on how to help an insecure mom accept her children's stepparents (her own husband and me), 

 
October 28, 2005, 9:49 am CDT

insecure mom

Quote From: mom559

This is my first post.  I couldn't find a blended family section, so I"m posting it here. 

  

I have so many concerns about my stepchildren's mother.  I am at a loss for new ideas on convincing her that I'm not interested in "replacing her" as she keeps saying.   

  

Do anyone have any advice on how to help an insecure mom accept her children's stepparents (her own husband and me), 

I had lived with an insecure mom who would tear apart anything my step-mom did.  The problem was that the step mom was younger and pretty and a great person.   It wasn't for years later at my sister's wedding that my mom stopped being threatened by my step mom. And it was because of the way my step mom treated her that I believe calmed all her insecurities.  They never really talked face to face before.   My step mom asked my mom about things in her life and turned the conversation into building her up and how great she was and what a beatiful home she had.  It took some time but whenever they would meet all they ever talked about was my mom and what she was doing and things in her life.  Now   my step mom has   visited with me and my sister to my mom's cottage.  And my step mom does my mom's hair.  They are not best friends, but my mom has stopped the step mom bashing. 

  

Kindness can take a lot of effort on your part.  I hope you can reach her.   

For your family it will be worth it. 

  

 
October 31, 2005, 1:20 pm CST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: gailrens

I had lived with an insecure mom who would tear apart anything my step-mom did.  The problem was that the step mom was younger and pretty and a great person.   It wasn't for years later at my sister's wedding that my mom stopped being threatened by my step mom. And it was because of the way my step mom treated her that I believe calmed all her insecurities.  They never really talked face to face before.   My step mom asked my mom about things in her life and turned the conversation into building her up and how great she was and what a beatiful home she had.  It took some time but whenever they would meet all they ever talked about was my mom and what she was doing and things in her life.  Now   my step mom has   visited with me and my sister to my mom's cottage.  And my step mom does my mom's hair.  They are not best friends, but my mom has stopped the step mom bashing. 

  

Kindness can take a lot of effort on your part.  I hope you can reach her.   

For your family it will be worth it. 

  

Thanks for the advice.  I doubt I would ever have an opportunity to have a nice conversation with mom.  She threatened me via email and phone messages one threat was, "I hope you are secure in your relationship because I will be the woman in the back of your head by the end of summer." this was before she had even met me or heard my voice. 

  

My husband has a restraining order against her for domestic violence. 

  

My stepchildren love to goof off with me.  We go to the park and roll down the hills.  We play games.  I'm like a big kid when we have fun.  I am also a role model and have expectations out of them.  I listen when they speak and ask them how do they feel rather than tell them how I feel when it comes to a problem, especially with their mother.   

  

Their mother doesn't do this.  She often tells them how they should feel.  She's always busy watching TV or socializing with her friends. 

 
November 1, 2005, 6:32 am CST

You're doing the right thing.

Quote From: mom559

Thanks for the advice.  I doubt I would ever have an opportunity to have a nice conversation with mom.  She threatened me via email and phone messages one threat was, "I hope you are secure in your relationship because I will be the woman in the back of your head by the end of summer." this was before she had even met me or heard my voice. 

  

My husband has a restraining order against her for domestic violence. 

  

My stepchildren love to goof off with me.  We go to the park and roll down the hills.  We play games.  I'm like a big kid when we have fun.  I am also a role model and have expectations out of them.  I listen when they speak and ask them how do they feel rather than tell them how I feel when it comes to a problem, especially with their mother.   

  

Their mother doesn't do this.  She often tells them how they should feel.  She's always busy watching TV or socializing with her friends. 

 Sometimes there's nothing you CAN do for the other mom, their perceptions and actions are theirs to change if they desire to. The ones who really count are the children, and they always know more than we give them credit for. They may not understand why she behaves the way she does,(heck, she may not understand why she does the things she does,) but they see it. All you can do is carry on the way you have been, be a good friend to the kids, and maybe one day she will come around to the idea that kids deserve all the love they can get, and thank goodness you were there to contribute!
 
November 1, 2005, 6:29 pm CST

Competitive Family Relationships

Quote From: ritehere

 Sometimes there's nothing you CAN do for the other mom, their perceptions and actions are theirs to change if they desire to. The ones who really count are the children, and they always know more than we give them credit for. They may not understand why she behaves the way she does,(heck, she may not understand why she does the things she does,) but they see it. All you can do is carry on the way you have been, be a good friend to the kids, and maybe one day she will come around to the idea that kids deserve all the love they can get, and thank goodness you were there to contribute!

I was speaking tto my stepson today.  He feels that my husband and I must feel the same way about his mother as she feels about us because anyone would.  He says everyone wishes someone would disappear once in a while.  

  

His mother has a habbit of telling the children what my husband and I think and feel.  She told them once, "Your stepmom is mean to me and I would hate anyone that is mean to my mom."  She tells them I'm rude to her and my husband says mean things to her.  We haven't spoken to her (besides in therapy) in 3 years.  Also, she reads bits and pieces of court documents and emails in order to give the children the illusion that we are saying hateful things to her.  Of course she pulls them out of content and fails to mention what we are replying to. 

  

With this in mind, if we try to say something it would just be our word against our word that mom told them and mom's word.  Make sense? :(  We just ignore it as much as possible and hope that the children will realize what she is doing as they get older. 

  

  

 
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