Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

 Honesty has a way of making itself heard. False accusations and lying have a way of getting out of hand, and the kids are front row spectators to the actions on both sides.

Anyone ever have a parent from the other house undermine your every word or instruction to your stepchild?  I know there is no advice I can hear that I haven't already heard and tried. 

  

My 12 year old stepson will not do anything I ask him to do.  He doesn't defy me to my face, he just doesn't do it.  When I call him on it, he just says he forgot, thought he did it, or I don't know.  Occasionally he will let it slip that his mom is happy when he doesn't do what I tell him and if I punish him she will reward him at her house. 

  

She has told me in the past (last year in fact) and wrote in her court documents last month that by me parenting the children in my home, I am trying to take her place so she is against me doing any kind of parenting (discipline, rewards, nuturing, etc). 

  

My husband and I have explained to him that he needs to obey any adult who is in charge of him at that time.  We tell him that if he is with a sitter, teacher, etc., he must obey them also.  His mom does teach him to obey and be respectful to other adults, but everyone except stepmom. 

  

I've explained to him that until he takes responsibility for his actions and stop telling people that I punish him for no reason, he will never learn from the experience and our relationship will continue the way it is.   

  

I said I will not let him disobey rules that his little sister and older stepbrother follow without a problem just becaus I want him to like me. 

  

I remember on Dr. Phil, he said something the effect of a parent is not a friend they are someone who is preparing the child to be an adult.  (it was similiar).  This is how I feel. 

  

Thanks for letting me vent. 

 Your step son is getting the passive aggressive attitude down. I take all of his problem behavior goes on when you are alone with him? How does he act when his Dad is around?

What if you told him that this can work two ways, if he doesn't want to obey the rules, why should you? Don't fix his meals or wash his dishes, don't wash his clothes. Don't let him join in when you are doing fun stuff with the others. Everybody who gets to belong to the family has responsibilities and has to pitch in. And warn your husband you will be doing this. Maybe he can back you up by saying that he doesn't feel like buying him any Christmas presents, he wants to buy things only for himself.

At 12 years old, your step-son is old enough to understand consequences. And maybe you should sit down and talk to him about figuring out for himself if what his mother is saying about you and your husband is true. He has the advantage of going to both places and living with both parents, so he knows what goes on. Let him know that you think he is a smart kid and can make up his own mind about people.

Part of his problem is that at this age, they begin to start moving away from the notion that their parents are all-knowing. They begin to see things with a more critical eye, and they begin to start using manipulation skills to get what they want, or think they want. It's natural, but kids that live with two sets of parents can get pretty good at playing the sets against each other. And it sounds like this behavior has been his example at the other house.

Dr. Phils book, Families First has some great advise and I have implemented as much as I can. My ex wants nothing to do with me, says hates me and all my fault. He will not talk to me and goes through the kids. Constantly behind on child support (my fiance' picks up HIS slack and we are both getting very tired of the financial stress he puts us in- he knows the child support laws and knows NOTHING will happen to him until over 3 months behind, but even then the State does nothing but send a letter)  I can deal with a lot of it, but just don't know how to get him to talk to me about the kids. Hangs up me and even told my daughter (he adopted willingly in 98', we divorced in 2000) that she is not really his and he was forced to adopt her. My fiance' is a wonderful man and is trying to pick up as many pieces as possible. Have a son with the ex, he treats his son much differently.  

  

Other problem, my fiance's ex is also making our lives miserable. No matter what we do, don't do- it is a catch 22 with her. Fiance' can't put down foot, boundries etc. Can't hang up when she calls to witch at him about something stupid. She just keeps calling and calling until he answers, so he answers (he is at work and cannot have her tying up the phone lines, which she has done). She threatens and follows through. If you don't do this...you will never see your daughter again. She learned from a master- his 1st ex wife played the games and he lost his first daughter. Has no idea where she is. The laws just don't seem to be tough enough on the manipulative parent. Even if we could it would rip apart his daughter who will be 12 soon and at this point is indirectly being involved. My biggest fear is that this child is becoming her mother. Manipulative, controlling, takes no responsibility for actions/inactions. My fiance' and I have sat down and have a united game plan. We can only do what we can when she is here. (which the mother has successfully gotten to be only about once a month by making it seem that daughter making choices.) Fiance' does not want to force child to spend time with him/us, but yet at the same time it is the mother who is manipulating the daughter.  

  

This woman is really good at the games. My fiance says if we buck her, she will fight back, even play dirtier pool and the daughter will then be directly involved, used, controlled and manipulated. We do NOT have the thousands of $ to hire an attorney, and even if we did, it wouldn't do any good. She knows how to use/manipulate the system. He is so afraid of losing his second daughter that he lets too much slide. I think we should tell the child that no matter what your mother/her family etc has going on, we want you here, home on our weekends-regardless and not give her a choice anymore, but the fiance' doesn't want her to ever feel forced to be home with us. Any ideas? I know there will be exceptions.   

  

My fiance's ex even had a major heartattack in Aug. Flatlined twice, almost lost her left leg due to bloodclots- I was sincerely hoping that she would come out of it appreciating the second chance she had received and look at life as a gift. SHE GOT WORSE. Even her own mother has had a talk with her, the entire family has given up on her. She is a sad, miserable woman who thinks only of herself. Not thinking of best interests of child.  She has done everything an ex shouldn't do to a child after a divorce in the Families First book. How in the world can I make things better when the ex's won't cooperate and think only of themselves and their misery. I have tried talking to each one, only to hit brick walls.  

  

I realize there is nothing I can do for them. I realize I cannot change either one of them. If they want to wallow, let them wallow- it is the children who are paying the highest price. I am at a loss. Any advise?  

  

  

My husband shares a child with an ex girlfriend who acts just like your fiance' ex. She wanted to control our lives by using this child to her advantage. However, we have other children together too, so since the ex couldnt ever compromise with us and give us our PEACEFUL every other weekend with our son(step) we had to not go and get him anymore due to the stress she has caused for us, her son, and our children. We cant afford to go to court each time she dont get her way, so now all she gets is her child and child support. WE had to sacrafice one child in order to save a FAMILY. It isnt fair to our kids either. But, when the child grows up, the child will see for himself, what type of mother he really had and why he couldnt have a relationship with his father. Now that the EX is completely out of our lives, we have a normal family life with our kids. We deserve happiness too, and so do our kids. It is a shame her son cant be a part of our life right now, but in the end, she is the one who is going to lose.  Enjoy the family you have, if you cant have your step child accordingly, and you cant afford to go to court all the time, then maybe it might be best to leave it alone so you guys can at least have a happy life too. YOu both deserve that also. Good luck!

I know that you and your fiance are living in a stressful situation when it comes to dealing with the exes... its very sad that it is like this because you are so right, the kids are the ones who suffer most.  

My advice for you is this: you can only do so much. You are only one person. Some day, your fiance's daughter will come around, and she will realize how her mother manipulated her for her own hateful reasons... its very sad, but his daughter probably will get worse before she gets better as far as visits go. Thats because of alot of factors, one being her age... being 12 isn't easy! When his daughter is there, try to make her time with the family as involved as possible. Have a good time. This can be exhausting... but it will ensure your fiance that later on down the road, he won't have any regrets, he will know that he truly tried everything.  

Its important that you and your fiance dont allow the stress from your ex's come between the two of you. You need to stay strong with one another and for one another. I wish that there was some magic wand that could make this all better for your family, because I can't imagine the stress that this puts on the two of you! I encourage you to keep your chin up, don't let this get you down, just do your best, okay? You can only do so much. You recognize that you will never change another person, and thats good. Dr. Phil says that you can never change other people, what you need to do is change the way that you act/react/interact with those people to try to change the outcomes in your favor. I wish you the best!! 

I have been married to my husband of five years with a 2 1/2 yr old daughter and 3 mo old son.  He's now 43 and I'm 33.  Hubby's family is of a different culture and are very "tight-knit", and very proper.  My family and I are very lighthearted people.  We can act crazy, yet in certain situations, we can be proper when necessary.   

H and I hadn't dated for long before getting engaged and married.  I thought hey, nice guy, a doctor, easy going, nice sense of humor...all the typical first impression stuff.  Little did I know.  There were many red flags, but we decided to go forth and get married anyway.  We went on and had our bickering arguments, but thought it was just getting used to each other.  I was also very upset when we got home from our honeymoon to find H's father waiting for us and staying with us for about 2-3 weeks while we were trying to get to know each other!!!!  But, all the major stuff started when my sister-in-law lost her husband on 9/11 leaving her with an unborn son.  After that, our relationship ended up in a downward spiral.  H felt as if the world owed his family for this tragedy even though many others lost.  He basically acted as if our BIL was a saint and that nobody else that was lost was more important.  Sure I was a bit stingy at first with all his trips to NY; taking time off from work (which he ended up getting fired anyway - firing a physician is bad news).  Anyhow, I became a black sheep b/c I never really knew my BIL; only a few times we had spent time with them.  But H expected me to feel the same way he did, but I couldn't.  It got to the point where our arguments were so fierce that he immaturely would call some of my family members to try to get them on his side, but when they would try to stay neutral, he would hang-up on them and bad-mouth them to me.  So there's where the hatred came toward my family.   

So ever since then, we stayed together, yet never resolving anything.  We tried counseling, but b/c H owns his own practice now and the income is not flowing in as fast as he would hope, we can't afford it.  Plus he doesn't trust counselors.   

Which brings us to today.  We now have these two children, one of which is being affected by our arguing.  She won't sleep, everytime H and I have a normal conversation she's ready to jump in to make sure we don't fight...it's awful.  I feel responsible, yet H acts like he didn't do anything to make her feel that way.  H simply hates my family.  That's it.  My family has no idea why.  H is like Jekyl and Hyde; one minute he's charming, next minute he blames everyone for his problems.  Here comes Thanksgiving and since his family is not available for the holiday, I asked him to come to my family's.  That's a slim to none shot.  I do mainly everything myself with the kids when it comes to my family.  Sure he's been over to see them a few times, but I can't even count on one hand in five years.  I try to rebel and tell him that when it comes to his family, he can take the kids and I'm not going just to show him how I feel, but that's immature too.  I just feel that it's very one-sided.  He expects me to bow down to his family, yet he only wants to see my family when it comes to watching the kids if we go out for the night or something.  He gave me the option of going to my family's for T-Giving w/o him, which if I do, he'll turn on me like a snake and tell me that I'm an unsupportive wife for leaving her husband on Thanksgiving.  But I want to be around a festive crowd.  He now just wants us to have a quiet T-Giving at home.  Sure, his quiet T-Giving is me taking care of the kids, while he goes upstairs and takes a nap, or goes down to the basement to work on his finishing project.  I'm stuck b/c if I stand my ground and tell him I'm going to my family's, he'll start a fight and our poor DD will be upset.  I'm almost ready to walk around here like an invisible woman just to protect her.  You would think being a physician he would know what fighting does to a child.  But I'm at a loss.  I don't know how to approach him or how to tell him that he's unfair.  He feels my family is awful, yet his is golden.  HELP!!!     

I have been having a problem with my mother in law for almost a year now.  She has a big problem with telling my children she is going to do it, and then never does.  She also has a problem with running her mouth and stating that I'm a pretend mother, and I don't take care of her son, with I don't know how she would know, she is never around.  A few months ago my children and I were at her house for my sister-in-laws bridal shower.  My son wouldn't have nothing to do with her, because he was upset with her.  So she took her frustration out on me by hitting me.  IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN.  Me and my kids have not really seen her since.  Well she called yesterday to tell my she is sorry, but I'm an awful person.  I don't treat Jackie good, I'm a maniuplitve person, I like to keep turmoil going, and that one day maybe I could be a good wife and mother.  Oh and I don't have God in my life.  I mean come on, what kind of freakin apology is that.  She also told Jackie's (my husband) aunt that the reason she doesn't like me is because Jackie calls and tells her he is not happy with me.  And that I treat him badly.  He says he didn't say that.  And that he didn't want to talk to his mother now.   

  

But guess what, his mother called tonight, and he acted like everything was fine.  I mean he didn't even stick up for me.  Can you believe it?  I mean how rude is that?  I told him you should have told your mother that you are happy with me, and that I am a good wife and mother,  and that if she can't respect me then to leave me alone.  And to tell her to keep her nose out of our business.  But guess what , he can't do that.  He said this wasn't the time to do that. and that he would talk to her about it another time,  Well when is a better time??????   

  

I just wonder if he likes it that we don't get along, because he sure can't stand up for me.  I would stand up for him if it was my family.  I told him I didn't want him to hate his mother or to disown her, but if he loved me and was happy with me, that he should stand up for me.   

  

I don't know who I'm more upset with, him or his mother.     

  

Any advise, how should I deal with this matter, or is there really nothing to be angry about with my husband?  

I can't find any help! The relationship I have with my younger brother is toxic and it's getting more abusive. He is 5 years younger than I (we are both in our twenties) and we fight constantly. Now that I've moved out and he is at University things have calmed, but as soon as we see each other or talk we begin fighting again. He seems to despise me because I have followed in my parents footsteps re: career and have always played by the rules and been the "good girl". He is very smart but has failed school for the past 3 years and can't seem to get out of his rut. There's nothing I can say that makes him feel accepted by me & he's so cruel when he yells that I've started to not even like him as a person. Fights have been getting worse and he's begun to punch the walls & things are escalating (he has hit me). He's constantly threatening me physically and he verbally abuses me almost every time I see him. My parents sought counselling years ago- which he didn't go to & my parents are worried about his mental state and they want it to just go away by me ignoring him. I can do that, but it hurts me to not have a brother to talk to and i'm devasted that my parents won't stick up for me when he abuses me (which they've been witness to). What do I do? I've already moved out & into another city - but these things are still happening when i'm home over the holidays or if I run into him on weekends!

Well, another crappy Thanksgiving at the in-laws. WHY? Because my sister in law (husband's brother's wife) is very competitve and my mother in law favors her and the brother over me and my husband. For example: She gave them a wedding gift (supposedly a VERY generous gift) and we got a card with NOTHING in it. We're married close to 10 years now and I feel sick every time I'm in their presence and have to listen to, "We got this, and we have that." She's a spoiled you-know-what who is taken care of. She doesn't have to worry about bills like I do, or budgeting or saving for retirement because every body (in laws and her husband) kisses her butt. She plays innocent but is very slick. It's frustrating, especially when my husband is oblivious to it all. He is TOO nice and thinks positively all the time. He never says a bad thing about anybody and that is good but it also isolates me and my feelings from being validated. My mother in law has also removed my and my husband's photo of us together and replaced it (in a fridge frame) with my sister in law. My stomach dropped, and again, another event RUINED. Tears well up in my eyes and I have to smile for the rest of the night and pretend everything's fine! It sickens me and I don't know if I can stay married for the rest of my life TO THIS FAMILY. They are pleasant, etc. to me, it's not outright in my face, it's "behind the scenes." I KNOW they talk about me w/ my sister in law, I just know it and I know they get handouts when they don't even need the money and I know they favor them over us. How can they do this to their SON? They won't ever say anything to my face and we've never done anything TO them, my sister in law is VERY SLICK and knows how to "play" my mother in law. I don't know how to handle them when they throw things in our faces (when we are getting by modestly) all of their purchases, etc. She calls her every day and kisses my mother in law's butt and even convinced my mother in law to talk her now husband into marrying her. They don't yet have kids, that will be hell. What can we do or say to make them stop trying to show off to us? How can I show my in-laws that WE (her son and me) should be appreciated the same (REALLY MORE) than them??? We DESERVE it. We are such nice people and I guess the squeaky wheels get the oil. We never ask for anything. I want them to feel bad about screwing us and treat us equally. HELP! Divorce? Stay married? We don't have any kids, 1. because we are just getting by $ 2. no one to babysit all day, i have to work 3. i don't want to give that family anything of MINE Not sure what to do. But if anyone can tell me how important the in laws play in a marriage, I'd appreciate it. My husband ignores these details and when they tell him he should visit someone (family member) he HAS run and obeyed what they wished. That bothers me. Divorce is a huge undertaking and I don't want to regret anything. What else can I do? Ignore her comments? Just smile and say, "How wonderful for yoU!" ????? HELP!