Topic : Competitive Family Relationships

My husband is a twin brother, he and his wife are driving me crazy.  They copy everything we do...everything for the last 2 years.  Engaged 2 weeks after us, built a house immediately after us, copy how our home is decorated, copy the shoes we buy, the gifts I get my husband, and now they are even looking at the same kind of puppy we just got three weeks ago (and they already have a dog)!  It's flattering if it's a few things that they like about us...but this is ridiculous.  It doesn't stop there, either.  The nice new TV we bought - one week later...they got the same thing.  The pictures I hang on the wall - they got the exact ones.   It's driving me nuts.  I don't even want to share anything with them or have them over to visit.  I feel a bit robbed of my individuality.  I need to tell them, and try to be nice about it or I'm afraid I'm going to lash out at them one day.  In the mean-time, they love to make us look bad to the rest of their side of the family.  My spouse and I are more independent and are not as involved with family as we were when we were  when we were younger...they are very dependent on his family and we get a lot of pressure and negative comments when we do not visit as frequently as they do. 

Thoughts/Advice?

My first advice to you is this: if you know in your heart that you and your husband are good people, then you can’t allow what others might say/think/feel about you to bother you- whatever negative things they say to family is out of their own insecurity. Because you are more independent and don’t spend as much time with family as you used to, it is important that the time you do spend with family (I mean other than his twin brother and his wife) is quality time, time that is not spent talking about what these in-laws are up to, etc.- focus on other events going on in the family instead. When the brother and sister in law topic comes up, don’t engage in that conversation and simply steer the conversation towards a change of topic- you can do this; it might be difficult at first only because any change is difficult, but this is a change for the better and well worth the effort.

It is important that you begin to distance yourselves politely from these people. They can’t copy what you have in your home if they don’t know about it- why do they need to know that you got a new t.v.? Do the brothers engage in “I have something you don’t have” type of banter? (I know many grown men who do this!!) Talk to your husband and make an agreement to not talk about new items that you have or about any decorating you’ve done- and if asked, again, change the subject. You can’t confront them about the way they are copying you without coming across as ‘petty’ or ‘jealous’ and that isn’t how you want to be perceived. Instead, its best to distance yourself and when you do see them, keep quiet about your possessions!

Your father-in-law is right, its his money, its his life. Unless he is not of sound mind to make these decisions, then there is no reason why the siblings should be so angry. Your husband works two jobs because he is an independent man who can and wants to provide for his family; your father in law knows this about his son. On the other hand, his daughter is the opposite; she needs to be ‘saved’ and ‘rescued’ and this is a pattern of behavior that your father in law has come to rely on; he enjoys rescuing his victimized daughter because it gives him a feeling of power. This isn’t about favorites. This is about a parent knowing which children can fend for themselves and which can’t, or rather, won’t. Its almost as though the father in law is making his daughter dependant upon him so that he can get his power fix when he ‘saves’ her. If you and your husband ever needed money, would you ask to borrow it from your father in law? Just curious. If you need money, I’m willing to bet you FIL would “rescue” you if you were in such a position.

Well we've had our new granddaughter with us since 7+28-2006 and my son and his wife will absolutely not bring her to our house.  They are soooo afraid that she'll have a reaction to our dog that does not stay in the house but he does come into the house at night for his chew so we can monitor him with that. 

My daughter in law is supposedly allergic to dogs but her parents own a pawn shop and when they got their dog and he was a puppy, they kept him in the shop all day and daughter in law was around him in the shop.  I guess their dog has different dog hair than ours.

She wasn't bothered by his dog hair.  I think I will tell off the whole d=== bunch of her family because they control everything my son ahd she does and they are revelling in the fact that we don't get to see our granddaughter.  I don't really feel like a grandmother.

We can't see the baby unless we're invited and that sucks.

Please help calm my nerves because I am sooooo ready to tell off her family.

thanks,

dawgmom

Dawgmom, I can empathize because I have a dysfuntional family as well and a certain in-law has a lot of control over certain family members.  In this case, it all revolves around money (gifts, etc) and a future inheritance.

I did want to say something about the dog allergies.  Your DIL may be telling the truth about that.  I am VERY allergic to dogs and cats (proven by symptoms and skin testing).  However, when I get a young pet and live with it, my body adapts.  I have little to no allergic symptoms.  When I visit someone with a dog or go into a pet store or animal shelter, I have severe symptoms including asthma.  My allergist told me that there are people who react this way, so I'm not the only one.

Still, this does not excuse the behavior of your son and his wife.  That is a much bigger problem.  Have you thought about going to counseling to talk about the rejection that you're feeling?  If you can deal with the hurt and avoid getting more angry, it might keep you from doing or saying something that you'll regret later.  I am not implying that you are the problem.  I do think it would help to have someone to talk to (third party, professional) who can help you sort it all out.

Your son might be going along with all of this because he puts money above relationships.  Do you think so?  Was your son hard to deal with before he married?

I got a little lost in the timeline.  Was the "altercation" 6 years ago or recently?  What was your husband arrested for?  What did he do to your mom in order to get arrested?  Has he ever been verbally or physically (or otherwise) abusive toward you or your children?

It looks like you have some work to do with your parents on boundary-setting, etc.  Counseling is probably the best place for you to be.  Maybe it will work out so you don't have to avoid them in the future.

It sounds like you've had some problems in your marriage.  What types of things have been going on over the years?

Why do you think your parents doing like your husband?  Has he hurt you?  Even if they have a good reason not to like him, it does not give them the right to try to control you.  If he has done something wrong, I hope you'll talk to the counselor about it and hold him accountable.

As a parent, you can understand your mother and father’s concern; however, they are stepping waayy over their boundaries! You know your husband best, but they aren’t considering that. The best thing they could do for you is to be supportive and encouraging, but instead, they are being emotionally and verbally abusive. You are probably feeling stuck- is there any way you could move again? Or, is being a homeowner tying you down? Like you said, the best years of your life were the ones where you had no contact with them, perhaps that is something to consider for yourself. I know that makes you feel guilty, but you can’t allow other people to control your life.