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Topic : 09/03 Who's the Evil-Doer?

Number of Replies: 131
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Created on : Friday, August 31, 2007, 10:15:25 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests say their mothers-in-law are just plain evil and out to destroy their marriages. Cindy started having second thoughts on her wedding day when her mother-in-law, Janet, began talking about her son, Jeremy’s, overly active sex life with a former flame. After Janet refused to apologize, Cindy and Jeremy cut off contact with her. They now have a son whom Janet has seen only once. Janet says Cindy is really the malicious one, and she needs to stop turning her son against her. Then, Vivian says her mother-in-law, Phyllis, is so evil, she takes pride in people thinking she’s having an affair with her very own son. Phyllis says Vivian is a master manipulator who has torn the family apart and kept her from seeing her grandchildren. Is there any hope of repairing these relationships? And, what can the men do to keep from being caught in the middle of their wives and their mothers? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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September 1, 2007, 7:03 pm CDT

Oh, those mother in Laws

I have had two mother in laws, I am a mother in law, between my husband and I we have three sons and a daughter.  So not only am I a mother in law, I am a step mother in law.  That's a mouthfull.  Point is Dr Phil has said many times the sons/daughters should take care of the relationship w/their parents.  If the children don't continue to have a healthy relationship the spouses never will.  My first mother in law was a lot of help most of the time, she did give me some good information about her son, it took 18 years to realize I wasn't going to let him be the spoiled brat she had let him be.  We got along fine and even though she completely took his side in the divorce she was always honest about the way she felt.  My second mother in law is a sweet spirit.  She loves her kids and since she has in the past had a closer relationship w/her daughter, the past 6 years she has lived in a house we provided for her near us and has really gotten to be in her son's daily life.  This is great for all of us, but especially them.  If my husband wants me(he doesn't even have to tell me we just agreed to do this) to put a little extra funds in her bank account I do it, I take her shopping, mow her lawn, check on her every day and she does the same for me as my husband, her son, is out of town working.  When she first moved down here she would clean my cabinets and organize things, I loved it, I don't really care if it's a bit messy, and she liked to do that.  She has always liked to mow but this year we got a new zero turn mower and I have given her driving the new lawnmower lessons.  I don't know if she will really be comfortable but she is willing to learn.  I gave her our old computer and she has learned to e-mail, the same with a cell phone and am currently working on her learning to text message.  She doesn't hear much so texting is a great way to stay in touch,teaching is hard as she doesn't hear well and so we have to write everything down.  By being a caring daughterinlaw I feel it makes me a better mother in law.  Yea, my feelings get hurt when my sons always go to the inlaws, but they  (the inlaws) are nice people and that's where their wives want to go (this is not a choose us or them deal at all) so instead of having this little pity party about being left out, I keep a good line of communication open, have lots of fun time with our grandchildren, we can make some great learning lessons through our grandkids and let them deal with each other ( the husbands and wives).  Life is way to short to spend in competition or meddling in the lives of people you can't control anyway, I don't even want to do that.  Would I love it if there were equal or even just a little more time spent coming our way, of course, but it doesn't always work out that way so the best thing I can do is love my daughter in laws and show by example of being a loving kind person.  I am sure Dr Phil will tell each party to live their own life and be NICE.  Hopefully our daughter in laws will be great mother in laws, they all have sons so they will get to experience that phase of life.  One thing is they didn't have very good examples by their mothers w/their mothers in law so they are working with a pretty empty tool belt in that area.  I think the next generation has a great chance of making progress in alleviating the negative in-law syndromes.  You get a lot more with honey than vinegar and it keeps everyone wondering when you smile a lot!!!  Come on mother in laws, love those kids, be happy you aren't married to them if they are pills, at  least you get those terrific little kids called grandkids and they loves us in spite of the situations.
 
September 1, 2007, 8:00 pm CDT

Great Mothers will make great mother in laws

Quote From: merlot5050

My only child is a 32 yr old man and happily married.   I love my daughter-in-law.  She is really a good woman.  These mothers are absolutely over the top.  The last thing I want is the responsibilty of running their lives when I have enough of a job running my own.  I wonder what kind of mother in laws they had.  Perhaps they were treated unfairly too.  My ex mother in law was OK  but I was just as glad to be rid of her as I was her son, but I must say her meddeling was nothing as horrible as these people.  I hesitate to call them mothers because the word mother means comfort, nuturing and caring to me.  I don't see any of that so far here.

 

 It's hard to keep your mouth shut all the time but it is the best way to live in peace.  Grown children are not stupid and when you let them go it is a sign of a good parent.  We raise them to be independent, make their own decisions and most importantly pay their own way.  How sad to miss out on a grandchild's life.  How evil to even imply an affair with your own son.  What is the gain here?  How could she possibly think that would be acceptable in any way, shape or form?

 

Once in awhile I will get a visit or a call for advice.  I hesitate to give out too much.  Usually I just help them think things through - Avoid the "you should" phrase and make a few suggestions - then leave it alone.  Nobody wants to be checked on to see if you are doing what someone advised you to do.  These women make Marie Barrone look like Mother Teresa.....

Hi

You sound like you must have been a fantastic mother, and a huge pat on the back for you!!!!! You should feel very proud of yourself.

 

A wonderful wise woman once said to me when I asked her "why she loves my husband like he was her own, when his mother (my mother in law) cant stand me?"

 

She said "If you trust the judgements of your own children and who your own children pick as a partner, you have done a wonderful job of parenting!"

 

And you certainly sound like you do by loving your daughter in law. You have accepted that your son has done a wonderful job of picking a wife and you have trusted in his judgement. Well done is all I can say.

 

By the way that wonderful wise woman is my mum :)

 

luv Jenny xx

 
September 1, 2007, 8:10 pm CDT

Her being dead doesn't heal your pain!

Quote From: got4au

 Wish my mother-in-law was still alive to watch this one.  She made similar comments about my husband when we were first married.  That's hard to get over.  Makes you wonder what really went on when my husband was growing up!  The husband must stand up for his wife.  Wish mine had.  It's been 33 years of marriage but it still hurts even though my mother-in-law has been gone for 16 years.  I'm sure Dr. Phil would tell me to move on but I know my husband hasn't really "heard" me and he definitely hasn't apologized for the past.  Such a mama's boy, even now!
I so wish that your husband would 'hear' what you have to say and back you up, even though the situation is over, however, you need to forgive your mother-in-law for your own sake and for the sake of your marriage.  You are still letting her have power over you, even though she is not around anymore.   How hard it is to let go of past hurts, but you need to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that it was not your fault and that you are a worthy and good wife for your husband, as I'm sure you are.  Someone said here that husbands are made to make a choice between their wives and their mothers.  I don't agree.  That choice was made on the day they got married.  A husband 'leaves' his family and starts a new one with his wife.  If all is amicable then it is great to have an extended family, and so beneficial for the children to have grandparents in their lives, but otherwise, the husband and wife and their children are the family. 
 
September 1, 2007, 9:39 pm CDT

I left the Mob!

GoFigure wrote about having a backbone!  Well, my comments to that, is that before giving such arrogant and heartless advice, try walking in the shoes!  I've been there and the mother-in-law won.  GoFigure was definitely right about one thing, though.  You can't reason with the unreasonable.

 

Long story short, I was con'd into marriage with a chemically imbalanced family and wasn't aware of such medical issues until after the wedding and after I was pressured into having a child, then endured 8 years of abuse and mistreatment from the one I fell in love with and then to be turned out to the dogs after he repeatedly told me that his mother would always come before me.  This woman robbed me of valuable bonding time with my daughter when she was an infant and continued to step into my role as mother.  They both tried to push me out of the picture.  There really are evil people in this world and I pray for those that are enduring such battles with their inlaws.  I, myself, do not have a tolerance for much wrong-doing and refused to put up with it.  If his mother is what he wanted to choose, then they can be happy together.  I also put alot of blame onto my husband - that's a decision he made.  To this day, they still live their twisted and sick life as if something was wrong with me.  I don't get it, but I do know that I'm a strong person and God will see me through this.  It's a necessity to have Faith!

 

If a man & wife have good communication and have a strong bond together - that's all they need.  They don't need an in-law's input unless it's requested!   Period - The End!

 
September 1, 2007, 10:58 pm CDT

lady get a life .

Quote From: nightangel1282

Wow... ya know... I really wish mother in laws could just learn to mind their own business. They have to realize that their kids are grown up and can make their own decisions and don't need their parents breathing down their necks anymore...

And what the HECK was that I read about one mother in law who takes PRIDE in the fact that people think she's having an affair with her own SON?!?!?! EEEEWWWWW!!!! That woman's got something wrong with her!!!!

 

Can't wait for this show to come on!!!

i had a mother-in -law - like that .she even got the dress that we got married in ,just so she could control everything .the only thing i was able was my shoes ,and she had a problem with that .well she got over that ,move away from her , as fast as you can .she is to much a busy body .sounds like it will get much more crazy

.our marriage only lasted 2 yrs , so be careful .llearned from my mistakes ,in louisiana ,

 
September 2, 2007, 5:50 am CDT

I think there are different scenerios.

I had a good MIL. The reason we had a good relationship was because my husband did not go to my in-laws and talk about our personal life.(Finances, disagreements, etc.) We kept things on a friendly level. My husband has 2 brothers who would go to thier mother and tell her negative things about thier wives.(Just everyday things-disagreements,etc.) My in-laws thought that I was different than my sisters-in-laws. I was uncomfortable with that and I told them that I wasn't any different -it was just that my husband didn't want them to know the "bad" things about me, only the good. I guess my MIL could have just ignored the things that her other 2 sons told her, but she didn't react that way. It affected the way she felt about the other 2 DILS. It's all over now because both of my in-laws have passed away. On another note, I have known women who are just simply jealous of any woman who becomes thier son's wife.Period. They just don't want to share thier son with anyone. And finally, sometimes some people are just hard to get along with,for various reasons. I don't quite know what to think about the MIL who is proud to know that people think she is intimate with her son.(?) The show promises to be interesting.
 
September 2, 2007, 6:01 am CDT

We raised our children and we have to love them and let go

I adore my adult children and I try not to do to them what I would not like for me. I try not to meddle.  I already raised my children and I am letting them raise theirs. Would I do something different, of course. Would I have chose different spouses for them? Of course, but this is not my life nor my choice. Once the choice is done and they are happy that is what matters.  Will I criticize and bicker about what they do? No. As long as my dil's love my sons and they are happy I support them. If they do not visit too often I can not complain either. You must respect their privacy. When they come to visit,  I love them all the same. Life is too short and we have to have a happy medium. If the MIL is soo awful. Don't stay around for abuse but,  every case is different and grandparents are great for children to have around. I just hope that the people involved in these cases will listen to each other and listen to what Dr. Phil will say to them.
 
September 2, 2007, 6:30 am CDT

It is so exciting to have a week of new shows!

Thank you, thank you , thank you for the new shows!
 
September 2, 2007, 7:14 am CDT

09/03 Who's the Evil-Doer?

I couldnt wait to add my 2 cents to this ! I agree with both sides. My mom has had 2 of the best mother in laws. Even after her divorce from my father who never seen me again and I am now 32 , my grandmother and mom and I stayed very close. NOW , my mother in law introduces me to her friends as" trailor trash" . We dont live in a trailor. Calls me names and talks about me to my friends. Of course they tell me. She also ignores my parents and our kids at times. She lives on the same street so thats no excuse. I dont want to complain to bad about her, besides after 15 years i am use to it. She has taught me a wonderful lesson in life. I am learning how not to treat my daughter in laws. I will be a better person for this. I have 2 sons and hopefully a great family and extended family when they are grown and will always be part of their lives and my grand kids lives. so i guess I have to say "THANK YOU " to my mother in law for showing me how not to be, because you are the one missing out. I know I'll NEVER miss out.
 
September 2, 2007, 7:33 am CDT

I am not the evil MIL

Sure wished I knew this was going to be on, I would have loved to be on the show for this one! I too have a son who is married to the most manipulative, spoiled, rude, and downright nasty woman in the world. They have been married for 11 years and at first it was good between us. Then their problems started and and she called to start in on my son to me. I stopped her in her tracks and said she was the one that married him and they needed to work things out on their own because I was NOT going to get involved. That's when she let me have it and has ever since. They lived close to my son's dad at one point and she put a stop to their relationship right fast and my son has not seen his dad in years. She made him move away from there and bought a house 2 blocks from her parents, where they still are. She even called my son's grandmother on his dad's side and chewed her out over something she "heard". Now there is no relationship between my son and his grandmother. 2nd person out of his life. Then in 2004 they had a son, the first grandchild on both sides. I kept the baby for awhile while she went back to work, but was given all kinds of orders, which is fine, but I could not take him anywhere in the car, could not let him in the pool, just one thing after another. Couldn't even take him to the park. Then one day that I had the child, who is now 3, she dropped him off one morning, then called a few minutes later after she left, to give me my orders for the day and I blew up. She said she was coming to get him. She showed up along with her mother who proceeded to tell me off. I have not seen my grandbaby in over a year. I have tried talking to my son but he just hangs up on me, will not answer the phone and even unhooked the answering machine after I left a message for the baby. ( He knew it was his Gan-Gan talking on that answering machine.) I have gone to counseling trying to figure out how to cope with all this and it has worked wonders, but I still cannot get through to be able to see my grandson. I see now that she has total control of all my son's family, and has chased everyone who is dear to him away. I do know my son needs to have some backbone and do something about this, but he won't even talk to me. I've written letters, sent presents through the mail even though they live less than a mile from us, to no avail. I don't know what to do next. I have completely given up all contact now and quit trying. My heart is broken that she has taken my son and my granson away. We have always tried to be good parents and help when we could, even financially when they bought their home, we gave them $5000.00 for their downpayment, I helped by painting the whole inside of the house before they moved in, we have helped in so many ways only to be treated like this.  
 
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