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Topic : 09/03 Who's the Evil-Doer?

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Created on : Friday, August 31, 2007, 10:15:25 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil’s guests say their mothers-in-law are just plain evil and out to destroy their marriages. Cindy started having second thoughts on her wedding day when her mother-in-law, Janet, began talking about her son, Jeremy’s, overly active sex life with a former flame. After Janet refused to apologize, Cindy and Jeremy cut off contact with her. They now have a son whom Janet has seen only once. Janet says Cindy is really the malicious one, and she needs to stop turning her son against her. Then, Vivian says her mother-in-law, Phyllis, is so evil, she takes pride in people thinking she’s having an affair with her very own son. Phyllis says Vivian is a master manipulator who has torn the family apart and kept her from seeing her grandchildren. Is there any hope of repairing these relationships? And, what can the men do to keep from being caught in the middle of their wives and their mothers? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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September 2, 2007, 7:44 am CDT

09/03 Who's the Evil-Doer?

Quote From: grangransue

Sure wished I knew this was going to be on, I would have loved to be on the show for this one! I too have a son who is married to the most manipulative, spoiled, rude, and downright nasty woman in the world. They have been married for 11 years and at first it was good between us. Then their problems started and and she called to start in on my son to me. I stopped her in her tracks and said she was the one that married him and they needed to work things out on their own because I was NOT going to get involved. That's when she let me have it and has ever since. They lived close to my son's dad at one point and she put a stop to their relationship right fast and my son has not seen his dad in years. She made him move away from there and bought a house 2 blocks from her parents, where they still are. She even called my son's grandmother on his dad's side and chewed her out over something she "heard". Now there is no relationship between my son and his grandmother. 2nd person out of his life. Then in 2004 they had a son, the first grandchild on both sides. I kept the baby for awhile while she went back to work, but was given all kinds of orders, which is fine, but I could not take him anywhere in the car, could not let him in the pool, just one thing after another. Couldn't even take him to the park. Then one day that I had the child, who is now 3, she dropped him off one morning, then called a few minutes later after she left, to give me my orders for the day and I blew up. She said she was coming to get him. She showed up along with her mother who proceeded to tell me off. I have not seen my grandbaby in over a year. I have tried talking to my son but he just hangs up on me, will not answer the phone and even unhooked the answering machine after I left a message for the baby. ( He knew it was his Gan-Gan talking on that answering machine.) I have gone to counseling trying to figure out how to cope with all this and it has worked wonders, but I still cannot get through to be able to see my grandson. I see now that she has total control of all my son's family, and has chased everyone who is dear to him away. I do know my son needs to have some backbone and do something about this, but he won't even talk to me. I've written letters, sent presents through the mail even though they live less than a mile from us, to no avail. I don't know what to do next. I have completely given up all contact now and quit trying. My heart is broken that she has taken my son and my granson away. We have always tried to be good parents and help when we could, even financially when they bought their home, we gave them $5000.00 for their downpayment, I helped by painting the whole inside of the house before they moved in, we have helped in so many ways only to be treated like this.  
wow !!! i'd have to say you are not the evil mil in this relationship. I could only wish my mil would call to take the kids and do stuff with them. Just because she doesnt like me doesnt mean she has to hurt the kids. but I guess it doesnt matter how old you are , its how mature you are.
 
September 2, 2007, 7:57 am CDT

Re: Who's the Evil-Doer?

I had 2 mother-in-laws that fit this description, so I know that they are the ones behind the problems, not the daughter in laws. These women need to learn to that their sons are big boys and if they want to keep a relationship with them and their grandchildren, they will need to learn to respect their son's choices in women. Why can't mother-in-laws ever try to just be a good resource for families and not try to be the "control freaks"?

 

 

 

 
September 2, 2007, 8:02 am CDT

Evil-Doers

Unfortunately my daughter missed the signs that would indicate how irrational, demanding, and controlling her MIL would become.  Only after the baby did it bloom into this scenario where the MIL is acting like it's "her" and her son's child (she readily admits to everyone that he was her favorite child) and she needs to be a constant presence in their lives.

 

Now that they are attempting to establish boundaries with the MIL and rest of that family  (no, it's not okay to visit the baby four times a week) my daughter is getting all the blame for coming between them and her husband.  The MIL tries to put guilt trips on them such as "Why don't you want the baby to have all the love possible?  I just want to give the baby love." The baby is only two months old and yet the MIL has three baby albums filled with pictures.  She's disappointed that my daughter and her haven't bonded into "best friends" sharing absolutely everything in their lives -- she conveniently forgets my daughter has a mother.  The FIL chimes in that my daugher is being disrespectful of their wishes in not just handing the baby over any time or any place.  That if they would have known my daughter would have imposed all these rules on them that they would have done everything to stop the marriage in the first place and that they are going to be very careful in the future as to who the other sons will marry.

 

Fortunately, my SIL has been wonderful in support of his wife but it truly seems like it's taking a long time to get the boundary message across and it needs to be reinforced and reinforced as his parents continue to hammer away trying to find weaknesses.  Is this a case where a total cutoff is warranted?  Is there any book and anything else that can help with something like this?

 
September 2, 2007, 8:39 am CDT

MIL Nightmare--Needs Help!

Lets see, where do I start?  I have  a MIL who lives with us.  She's 59 years old, healthy and lives with us rent-free and refuses to go get a job.  She thinks my husband (her only child) should take care f her since her husband left her 4 yrs ago.  She has been living with us since.  :(  We use to get along really good until she started telling my husband stories or lies about my 2 kids (from a previous marriage).  She got into it with me one day and told me "F*** you" in my own house.   Both me and my husband work  to support the house and we have a 3 yr old together.  She has gotten out of control in our house where she thinks that she is entitled to everything and takes it and hides it in her room.  My husband sorta refuse to do anything about it and states that this is his family.  What the heck am I and her daughter, I asked him.   I have asked my husband to tell her(since I dont speak to her anymore after the last episode), to go get a job, and help support herself, but that hasnt been done!  I love my husband to death  and I have told him that I am fed up with it and want things to change because I am tired of arguing about her.

 

 

 
September 2, 2007, 9:00 am CDT

there was a little girl, who had a little curl...

Quote From: seruch72

wow !!! i'd have to say you are not the evil mil in this relationship. I could only wish my mil would call to take the kids and do stuff with them. Just because she doesnt like me doesnt mean she has to hurt the kids. but I guess it doesnt matter how old you are , its how mature you are.

To the Mother-in-law whose efforts (lending money, helping around the house, etc) to create a relationship with her daughter-in-law came to naught:

Your "story" could easily be mine, with a few alterations.  My daughter-in-law, too, appears to have been spoiled beyond comprehension, although a few of her characteristics seem to have been learned at her mother's knee.  Beware listening to the daughters-in-law and making judgements based on the rantings of a spoiled, immature, possessive, egocentric, insecure and selfish little brat!  After many years of trying as you have to make a bad situation better, I can honestly say I have given up; I no longer care because caring is too expensive in terms of my well-being.  The poisonous rants of "women" like these daughters-in-law quoted by Dr. Phil, spill over into the next generation because the "women" don't even have the sense to know to avoid being overheard by their children.  I have reached a point where I can be cavalier about my son, although I still tell myself he doesn't know the extent of his wife's manipulation.  To inform him would be to join in her possessive games and one-ups-man-ship; I won't do that.  I let the grandkids know I love them in any way I can; the ones that are now grown will just have to live with the situation as I have these many years; it hurts to have them ignore me; it hurts when I think about how the nurturing from a caring grandparent could have helped them in lots of ways.  But I have myself to consider now and finally after all these years as I face the sunset of my life.   You and I are worth more than the little bits of recognition given with a sly grin that only rub salt into a wound.  Let them go; adopt another family and enrich their lives with the generosity in your heart.  Remember the good times with your son but remember that you are not a driving force in his life anymore - honesty is very comforting and relaxing, indulge in it and your pain will subside.   Recall the nursery rhyme about the little girl with the little curl right in the middle of her forehead, "when she was good, she was very very good; but when she was bad, she was horrid!" Your son sees the good, he could never accept the bad, as horrid as it may be. 

 
September 2, 2007, 9:08 am CDT

09/03 Who's the Evil-Doer?

Makes me glad tommorrow's my day off, this looks like one INTERESTING show to say the least, I have a couple of questions I'd like answered on this one.

1) Who, son or daughter actually SHARES the details of their sex lives with their Mother ? There are some things I know my Mother and late Mother in law just don't WANT to know, or need to know for that matter.

2) What MOTHER actually is PROUD of people thinking she and her son are intimate, OMG I found that hard to type, and what kind of son actually stays around to hear this (makes me think that this family is BEYOND MESSED UP !), BLECH.

Sounds to me like these men are way BEYOND the "Mama's boy".

You know, I'm sure my Mother and Mother in law BOTH had tongue piercings (from biting them so much), but they always told us, that we had to work out our own problems.  They would listen to us vent, but didn't offer unsolicited advice, and they didn't want to hear about our personal lives.

Maybe it was because BOTH women were active in their communities after their kids grew up and left home, they had lives ? Just a thought there, or maybe BOTH knew that they had to let go of their kids once they had grown.

But then, to express pride in being accused of a sexual affair with your son, or to share your son's sexcapades with a Daughter in law, well that's a bit much, and it seems to me that there are deeper issues than the whole "Empty Nest Syndrome" going on.

 
September 2, 2007, 10:24 am CDT

This is not about me

Quote From: ibroyalpain

I think that this mother-in-law Janet needs to stay out of the business of her son and his soon to be new wife. It is not her place to tell of all her sons escapades of sexual partners. She shojd not be telling any stories of that. I thikn she needs to be set straight.

  I think she needs to realize that she needs to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. This is the girl that her son loves and wants to marry . I think she needs to realize that she needs to not be telling stories of past girlfriends and such and change to the stories of how cute her sone was when he did baby things. It makes for a bond that could be built by the future daughter. it is better to do this as it means there will be visits from her son and daughter-in-law to be than to be cut off for the future. Dr. Phil set this mother right as sometimes it takes some one who knows more or has been there to make a person open their eyes.

Me and my Husband Don is having trouble with our marriage and I am trying to ask Dr. Phil to help me with our marriage ?? This is about me and my Husband Donald  ok ??
 
September 2, 2007, 10:44 am CDT

Who's the Evil-Doer

I could write a book on the terrible things my mother-in-law (mil) has done to me. The one thing she did do that I think is wrong was to try and make my husband choose between us. She even got involved in my mother and dad's divorce that had happened years before I met my husband. She told me that it was my fault that my husband left me when he found out that I was pregnant. We were married two years when we had our son. The list could go on and on. He left me other times because of her. We have now been married 39 years and the last 6 have been the best. I do not know if he listens to her anymore or not. I got an education and I do not need someone that wants to be with his mother more. We now have a grandchild and he loves her too much to leave. To make a long story short, my mil taught me how "not" to treat my daughter-in-law(dil). I love my dil and I want my son to love her different than he loves me. We are very good friends and I have to say my son got a wonderful mil. If she interfers I have never heard about it. My son and his wife have been married over 10 years. I want it to stay that way. My dil tells me things that I do not want to hear sometimes, but I do not tell my son unless I can say something that will help him understand her better. My husband use to criticize because that was the way he was taught, but I can say he is better. After 39 years of marriage, I have never seen or heard her sons or her husband say "no" to her just one time. End of story: I tolerate my mil, but she lives up north and we live to the very south. I know that I am still not her friend, but she is my son's grandmother and she really is a good grandmother.
 
September 2, 2007, 11:09 am CDT

What?

Quote From: janethtmn

Me and my Husband Don is having trouble with our marriage and I am trying to ask Dr. Phil to help me with our marriage ?? This is about me and my Husband Donald  ok ??
What are you talking about?
 
September 2, 2007, 11:50 am CDT

Mother-in-Law also

I am a mother in law myself. I stay out of my children's love life. It makes the happiness in the family. I only get in their love lives if the wife, boyfriend, lover, what ever you want to call them puts a hand on my children. Other than that I stay out of theirs. When you married your husband did you think he was a virgin. He must have talked to his mother  about his love life for her to know. You were not put on this earth for everyone to like you. Usually the in-laws are the hardest to get along with because they are going to find something wrong with you because they think that you are taking their love one from them. You need to not think about your mother in law as a enemy . Just ignore her.  But never use you children, her grandchildren againtst her. Just remember you are a mother now. Just think how you would feel if your child did the same thing to you when he getst older. The love of a grandmother is priceless.Why worry about what she was saying on your wedding day. He married you still. You let her get to you because you worry about what people say about you. Live your life for you not for them. You and your husband need to get over it and let her see her grandchild before it is to late. People will be mad at their relatives until they die then they want to forgive. GET OVER IT.
 
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