Topic : 09/03 Who's the Evil-Doer?

Neither of you is in the right.  Ever hear Dr. Phil say, "Would you rather be right, or be happy?"  Guess what?  You both are so egocentric that neither thinks they have to give in to the other.  Okay, Mom, if you want to wield your "temporary "(and let me emphasize TEMPORARY power) go right ahead.  Your kids will resent you for it later.  Grandkids need their grandparents, even imperfect ones.  They need everyone who loves them.  Grandma,  you have no rights here, get along with your daughter-in-law, even if she's as crazy and power loving as you are.  Even your son couldn't decide between you.  You both need to figure out another way, and put egos aside.  Neither one of you is a victim and you each know it. 

Dear MIL,

Reading your reply did hit a nerve with me because the situation is so similar. Why is it that every MIL blames the DIL for having control over the husband and family? I believe for the most part, if the sons wanted to see their mothers, they would. I haven't met a man yet that doesn't do what he wants if he decides to. I think blaming the DIL for controlling their sons is easier than realizing that their own flesh and blood may actually rather stay away. And as for calling you grandchild and leaving a message from Gan Gan---this is exactly the type of stuff us DIL's are talking about. If you are having issues with your son and DIL---you attempt to reconcile & work on those issues---not work thru an innocent child by leaving Gan Gan messages on the answering machine. This from a DIL's point of view is just an attempt to mess with the family because afterall---if it were so important for you to see the child, you would work things out with the parents especially the mother. By leaving the child messages, you are stirring the pot because you think you have some ownership in this grandparent relationship & that you don't have to deal with the parents at all. This is why we keep our grandchildren away. Don't mess with the kids----leave them out of it. There are enough troubles in our kids lives without being torn between Gan Gan and his mother or father. You might think---well if he hears his Gan Gan, they will feel sorry and let me see him---it doesn't work that way. You are just making matters worse by not going thru them (the child's parents) first. Being a grandmother doesn't come with certain rights to the child. If the mother doesn't feel comfortable letting the child be rode around in a car then that is her right---it is her child. Especially if she's a first time mother. Worrying about her child all day while she's at work is the last thing she needs. And you should be glad that she's a good enough mother to worry, she could be out on drugs, leaving the child in worse situations. And then there's the payback thing. You couldn't finish without quoting how much you had done for them and spent on them. When are inlaws going to realize that if they want to do something out of love or good deed then don't expect some sort of an IOU. My inlaws are wealthy, and we along with our children could live with a lot more material things, and not have to do without a new car or such if we wanted to be in debt to them forever. Constant reminders of their help & gratitude in an effort to control our lives and behaviors. Like many, we chose to do without their financial assistance & make a life on our own. It is much better than feeling like you are constantly having to be under their control in repayment. When is anyone going to understand----Families don't want your money---you can't buy love & respect----you must earn it. My MIL would treat me like a dog, then go out and shopping and buy me whatever----well, I'd rather do without as to put up with it. MIL's keep saying well the grandchildren are going to be hurt by being kept away. No not really because you know the saying, you don't miss what you've never had.And who knows, maybe the child will resent the MIL for causing trouble with their mom & dad. I've got an elderly grandmother & she still continues to create trouble----I've never resented my mother because I've seen and heard and witnessed her manipulating behavior---for that I've never care to know her.

Did you get to watch the show??? I know the first husband did choose at the end of the show. And the DIL did say that she wanted the MIL part of their lives. Did YOU hear Dr. Phil say that if there is someone toxic in your life to remove them? Even where the grandchildren are concerned? I’m sure the child would resent his parents more when that MIL screws him over and his parents never did anything to warn him. And that MIL also tried to claim she “called” the show when the DIL wrote in, and Dr. Phil corrected her.... that is a huge hint to her credibility. I’m sure all parties did stupid things, but it sounds like that MIL is a little TOO attached to her son. Being involved in his sex life? Yes… maybe the husband shouldn’t have said anything about his sex life to her, but then maybe he was brought up thinking that was OK. Maybe they could try again when she gets a partner and doesn’t have to rely on her son to be a surrogate husband.

As for the second family... it is OBVIOUS that that MIL has some serious issues. I’m sorry, but If I was in that MIL’s situation and someone thought I was involved with my son, I would be the FIRST to correct them. Sounds like they both have an unhealthy relationship with their sons. I hope the second husband can stand up to his mother for everyone’s sake. I cant wait for an update (another show, or from the guests) or for the guests to get on and fill in the missing details.

"MIL's keep saying well the grandchildren are going to be hurt by being kept away. No not really because you know the saying, you don't miss what you've never had.And who knows, maybe the child will resent the MIL for causing trouble with their mom & dad. I've got an elderly grandmother & she still continues to create trouble----I've never resented my mother because I've seen and heard and witnessed her manipulating behavior---for that I've never care to know her."

And these parents are lucky, the manipulative behavior of the MIL's was all caught on tape... they need only see a recording of the show to see the true nature of their grandmothers.  They said what was on the tapes, and had the opportunity to defend themselves on national television the show if they felt they were misrepresented. If the children grow up in a loving environment and see the true nature of their parents, the accusations and opinions of someone who is bad mouthing their parents and can be seen on the show being manipulative and nasty aren’t going to matter much. Either they all need to learn to get along and put their differences aside, living by boundaries acceptable for EVERYONE… or just move on with their lives,

It is crazy women like this self absorbed, nightmare of a woman that ruin marriages. How dare she stick her nose in her sons bedroom! Why isnt the son moving his wife and child five hundred miles away from her toxic spew?  The manipulation, emotional torture and lies are coming from the mother and it is all the fault of the clingy horrible mother.

I hope you will stomp that witch down, what a big baby! Immature, sneaky and horrible...  come on Phil, dont let the "be on both sides" tactic sway you from the truth.

horrible women like that ruin hundreds of marriages by trying to hang on to the son.

My ex MIL is actually worse than her, caused the death of my daughter, the divorce (by telling my husband I must have been sleeping with every man on the ship) calling me up and telling me I better start having more sex with her son! Would walk in to the house at all times of the day or night.. but I blame my ex too... he never stood up to her.

Agreed.  It seems to me not enough probing into what the childs mother was doing to

create a negative atmosphere.  I did think the husband could not dare say much.

The DaughterN Law is definately being cruel.  The mother in law in a bad situation in life,

leaned more toward her grandchildren, what a good place to lean?  What is the childrens Mothers thinking when they act so cruel using children as thier means to be so?

Men: you should always remember the one woman who really loves you throughout life no matter what,

is your Mother.  Women, you should always remember that the relationship a man has with his Mom is

an indicator and large influence on what kind of husband he will be.  That all makes your childrens lives

better or worse.  Family is family, you cannot always choose to control what you do not own and not pay a high price eventually. 

grandparents know that teh way life is now days, you may have to kiss butt to have your Grandchildren because so many think they are property.

So much talk about who is right or wrong envolving adults picking at each other til they get some kind of compliance over the other.  I am talking about the usual families not the abusive ones, far too much is called abuse when it is family disfunction that needs addressed.  I am not speaking on the absurd parent talking about her childs sex relations either.

All children should be given the right to choose the relationships of the family members unless there is clear or suspected abuse.  Children are human beings, not pets or property.  People do miss what they never had, let one not have one of thier parents and bet they miss it all thier lives.

Children do have right to love and know thier Grandparents and Grandparents should not have to conform to an in laws mentality, just respect boundaries and rules set for the children.  A missing Grandparent is a missing parent for thier lives.  I so wonder what kind fo Parents and Grandparents many have when they do not try harder for peace in them relationships?  I miss my Grandparents and loved having them in my life and they by no means was perfect.  I miss never knowing my Fathers parents, they died before I had the chance. 

Children need more love than one set of parents can give and parents need to acknowledge that children have rights to thier own relationships.  After divorce the same kind of mentality follows many just like they showed in the marriage.  First the grandparents then the non-custodial parent.  That is a terrible example for any parent to allow.

Certainly there is lines none should cross.  Abusive grandparents or parents need restrictions.

Overly loving Grandparents is a childs best friend for much of childhood.

Parents love their children forever, do not divorce and love another, that all parents must keep in mind

All women have heard to see how the man treats his mother to know how he will treat them, well also know that hsi mother is more like you than you realize.  He chose you based on his mothers example in life and that speaks of her like you?

Children have every right to choose to love people in the family units, regardless of adults malfunctions and bad relations.  Just keep adult mental crap out of it and give children more rights before we all have those children with problems to deal with as adults?

Children are humans, not pets, not property!

I know with the first couple they told the MIl she COULD see the child.