Topic : 09/04 Violent Kids

i  have never done this messaging thing, but i am compelled to respond to very concerned mother.  i am a mother of five biological children ages from six to twenty, and believe me a mother can sense if there is something wrong with their child.  My eighteen year old son was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome at age three, but i always sensed he had problems, but never realized the extent.  I have read so many parenting books, videos, local hospital seminars,etc.  and my son has had so many labels from the DSM manual we have our  own book.  I believe parents are role models and that is why i always tried to change myself and my ways of relating to him throughout the years.  In my experience, I feel that a redirection technique in parenting has worked best, BUT as with anything it was not always foolproof.  Also, I don't know your whole family history, but i will say that in my situation the  power of the absent parent always gets underestimated by "professionals"  as they look at the primary caregiver (usually the mother) with suspicious eyes!  I feel you need to read and educate yourself on parenting methods, get professional help for your child , and pray, pray, pray.  Because some things are not in our control.  As I told you, I was able to calm my house and have consistency.  I always  spoke clearly and explained everything I could beforehand to my children so there were no upsets or surprises, BUT (again that BUT) it is the child's perception that is what matters.  My son has concrete to abstract problems which complicates communication of all sorts.  I was able to control my family environment to a point, BUT the world doesn't change to accommodate each individual.  I could write a book, and when i find the time i just may, BUT i want you to know i feel for you and your child.  Its not about us, it''s about the afflicted child and wanting the best possible future for them because we love them .  Patience is something you will have to cultivate and pray for guidance is some of the best advice.  I hope you can follow me on this although i know you have to go through it to fully understand.  Please contact me . I would want to hear from you and hope you find some help.  I hope i was some comfort in knowing we are alone as parents and our children are suffering and need help. why i don't know.

mdunbar7@cox.net

I would like to vent one more time on this topic of violent children.  I believe it is a gentic crapshoot  when we conceive a child.  Nature vs. Nurture- I am a strong believer in nature outweighing nurture at this point.  I have five children- two with one father(absent  and makes occassional "re-entrances") and three with my husband.  There is a distinct difference in temperment and behavior. Why?  If I gave a beautiful tiger cub to you and said to raise it in your home, I bet you could for a little while and eventually that same beautiful cub would grow and it would most likely be alittle unmanageable in a home.  Some mental illnesses are just like that and these ignorant people need to walk in our shoes for a week, a day even and get to see!  Some of the best mothers with motherly advice are the ones that never had any children!  I refuse to hang my head anymore because of my child's behavior.  My family has suffered, and my son suffers terribly within himself.  I accept my son no matter what and he knows it, but he also knows that there are good and bad decisions, consequences to behaviors, and things that will not be tolerated.  He is eighteen and after years of watching him suffer, trying to get him help, and years of him abusing our family, he has been put to a treatment facilty to live and hopefully learn.  This came to me after about the second or third punch to my head.  He knocked sense in me.  If we don't force the change in our families who knows how long and how detrimental this abuse will go on.  I always knew I couldn't be the only one going through this type of living.  More people have to stop living in the problem, judging, and blaming one another AND we need to find solutions.  I can be contacted at mdunbar7@cox.net.  I look forward to the response.

Stimulants do not help reading problems. If your grandson has dyslexia, he may be average or even gifted intellectually. Kids with dyslexia often have difficulty stemming from Broca's area of the brain, which processes individual sounds (phonemes) in language. For example, the child may learn that "c" says "kuh" as well as the sounds for short "a" and "t." The reason they can't spell "cat" after learning those sounds is that they have difficulty hearing the individual sounds in "cat."  If you ask them how many sounds they hear in "cat," they may say one instead of three. It's like someone telling you it's 50 miles to your destination, but they don't give you the directions to tell  you how to get there. The fact that you know it's 50 miles away is useless. These kids are lost without a reading map.The good news is that since we learned this information from some brain research done at Yale University, some excellent reading programs have been developed that are successfully helping kids with dyslexia learn to read--if they have a teacher who understands what to do to help them learn what is called "phonological awareness."

Can a kid have a learning disability in reading AND ADHD? Absolutely. However, many people with ADHD do not have a reading or other learning disability and people with a reading disability do not necessarily also have ADHD.

Typically, kids can go off stimulants and back on them without lasting effects, but you should always talk to a physician about this and not rely on anyone's advice about meds on this forum, including mine. Also, no one on this board can tell you whether your grandson has ADHD, or dyslexia for that matter. This requires a professional evaluation. I'm confused about the custody arrangement. Does dad have joint custody and you are providing your grandson't care when dad has custody? If so, it sounds as though dad must step up to the plate and have your grandson assessed when he has custody. How much can be done probably depends on how the custody arrangement is set up.

The reality is that you cannot control your grandson's parents' behavior--only your own. The good news is that studies of kids who are resilient, which means they grow up to be successful well adjusted adults despite difficult or even traumatic life circumstances as children, point to one thing. All these resilient people attributed their success to one influential adult in their lives when they were growing up. That one person can be you, grandma. Concentrate on the love, structure, compassion, and high expectations that you can give your grandson.

A good resource for you is www.addwarehouse.com . You can find lists of symptoms and medication effects in their article section. They also have some good books and other materials that you might want to order. You might also want to check into some of the materials at www.freespirit.com .

I hope this helps some.

.........for caring enough to answer my post and for your expertise in this matter.  Strange, YOU mentioned dyslexia; not me.  Is that because it goes hand in hand with ADD?  I guess some additional homework on my part is required.  I've thought all along that 'my little one' had dyslexia BECAUSE he writes many of his letters and numbers backwards.  I checked with all his teachers since kindergarten and was told he'd outgrow it or it was a slight case.

Custody is shared between Mom and Dad and yes, I do keep my little one during Dad's time because he works 6 days a week.  I'm not making excuses for him (or maybe I am) but his 12 hr a day schedule leaves little time to get involved in all of this - he's only off on Sundays.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), I'm not a custodial grandma who can sit on the sidelines watching the mother make these mistakes and decisions.  I feel she is screwing up her child's life with her actions.  Her latest 'stunt' was to call my son and say "you need to be aware....our son is going to be gay".  Her reasoning"  He doesn't like girls!  Holy Chit, but what 8 yr old does?  8 yr old girls 'have cooties'!!  How does a child not be psychologically damaged when Mom brags about making cute little curls in his hair and putting him in ballerina classes.  This woman needs to be taken away in cuffs.  If this continues, I'm going to need to be taken away in a strait jacket!

Yes, she honestly believes that taking Adderall will improve his reading.  Within 3 days of putting him on it, she told me.......oh wow........he can read.......you just wouldn't believe what this med is doing for him.  BITE ME!  I, on the other hand, have hired someone to work with him on Fridays after school in the hopes that he, like most kids, will "listen" to someone else better than they will listen to a family member with whom they live.

I am terrified that my grandson will eventually exhibit the tendencies of the boys on Dr Phil's show.  He has a temper that matches my own though thankfully, he controls it much better than I.  Just last weekend, he actually hit me (first time) and though I certainly didn't hit back or spank (I'm a non-believer), I sat him down and told him how he'd lose privileges if that ever happened again.  I let him have a friend over for swimming and play and though everything went well the first 3 or 4 hours, he then became a bully to his buddy and once again, we sat down and had a very serious talk.  He's very cognizant of bullies and doesn't want anything to do with them.  I told him that other kids feel the same and if he bullies his pals, he will fall into the category of kids not wanting anything to do with him.  Does this very occasional bad behavior tag him as having ADD?  I don't believe it does because he exhibits it so seldom.........or is this just the beginning?  I don't think so and though I'm extremely protective, I've  enough brains and common sense to call a spade a spade..........with or without professional guidance.  Thus, my concern for 'are there damaging effects" of being on and off Adderall since I refuse to give it to him.

I will definitely check out the resources you mentioned and pray I can come up with some logical answers to this illogical situation.

THANK YOU again........

Hello, I watched this episode Tuesday and noticed that my display on Dish Network dated it back to 2002 (as the original airing). Does anyone know if Dr. Phil has ever done a follow up show with these families to see if things have changed for the better? I don't get to see every show and just wondered if such a show had been done. I apologize if someone has already asked this question...I'm brand new to the boards.

Thanks!

Do you know what I would give to get a satisfactory diagnosis?  I have been trying for many years.  When You have to get up in the middle of the night to hold your child who is screaming, kicking, fighting, and still asleep during it all or when you have to watch your child tell you how your going to die or cries to you that he wants to die. Then you can have a real conversation with me.