Topic : 09/07 Kids Caught in the Middle

I was divorced several years ago. In order to make it final both of us had to attend a mandatory class.

  The class was 5 hours long (which was fine).  They discussed all the reasons why you should not argue in front of your children. (makes all the sense in the world). However, at the end we filled out a questionier on which we could all leave a comment.

I think it should be mandatory to have this class before you get married and have children. It makes the most sense to me. Not sure everyone would follow these suggestions but you can't say you didn't know about it.

The couple getting married should also have to pay a small fee to enable the state in which you live to provide the Instructor.       

Husband and I have been married for 12 years now and Mom is still angry, bitter and resentful and has become a champ at involving the kids. Thank God we have had custody of his middle daughter for 6 years now. She was "sold" to us for $11,000 in the courtroom hallway after her mother and mom's boyfriend repeatedly physically and emotionally abused her. Mom had been ordered to complete anger abatement and was found to be alienating kids from Dad and involving them in parental conflicts, but was never held to any charges. She wanted $, we wanted the kids safe and emotionally sound. Judge left the other 2 with her - young son was bribed with candy to lie to the judge and older daughter was already alienated and bitterly hateful. Mom dropped daughter off at a gas station with 2 black garbage bags full of old clothes and drove off into the sunset. She has used daughter's residence with us as a means to bully us ever since.

Daughter came to us suffering from bi polar disorder, ADHD, parental abuse syndrome, oppositional/defiant disorder, general learning disabilities and lacked basic socialization. She had made several attempts at suicide and was self-mutilating in response to stress. Because she was always a "daddy's girl" she was not allowed to participate in the family activities. She is now 18 and through extensive social counseling and psychiatric treatment we finally got her graduated from high school. Socially she is still maybe 12 or 13, but we're working on it. Counselors and psychiatrists tell us they've never seen a parent this angry and committed to destroying us. Daughter has paid the ultimate price and could write a book with events that would disgust a normal person.

Oldest daughter is completely alienated from Dad and bitterly hates him. Younger Son has been alienated as well, but still questions past events and is not as bitter toward Dad. Neither remember any of the abusive events that they complained to us about for years, and instead recite fictional accounts of their father and I abusing them.

My oldest Children saw their dad in 2004.  Before that he hadn't seen them since 2001 when our 3rd child had just turned 1.   Now my son is 7 he hasn't seen him since.  My 7 year old doesn't even know him.  When my two oldest 15 and 13 saw him in 2004  He came up and gave them a hand shake said hi and walked away.  My brother asked him why haven't you seen the kids.  He said his wife wouldn't allow it,  he married her so he would have a place to stay, and she would put him out if she knew he was over seeing the kids.  He has a daughter he had I think in 1996, and she misses seeing her brothers and sisters.  He has an older daughter, she just turned 18 and he has cut her off.  He didn't even go to her graduation.  She keeps in contact with my kids.  I think it is really pathetic when someone can come along and mess up a relationship between a man and his kids.  She knew when she met him he had kids.  If she couldn't handle it then she should have went on her way.  They were there before her, they are kids.  My children get straight A's in school.  They are active in band.  He is really missing out.  One day he will need them before they need him.  I teach them to keep going and make something of themselves.  Whatever decision you make in the future regarding your relationship with him is up to you.  They are sick of missed birthdays, Christmas, band concerts and even surgeries he didn't even show up for.  My daughter has already received a full scholarship to a University and she is just in the 10th grade.  They see me working hard to support everything they do and take care of their needs.  I am always going to be their positive role model.

 I must say no matter what age, do not let the kids get caught in the middle. My Daughter is 25. My Husband, her Dad, cheated on me after 27 years of being together. He could not talk to her enough as to not be the bad guy, an make it my fault. It's all ok.  I did not go that way, as my daughter called and said, "What did you do to Dad now". I refused to put her in the middle especially since she felt it was my fault. I felt no need to explain, nor involve her. She has heard all her life what her Dad called me, C word, MF, B, you name it, but she seems to forget. I need not remind her either, just to make my point. We need to keep them out of our mess.. though my X did not think so, needed to make me a reason for the season. I wil not talk badly about her Father to her. I refused to talk and she said then she will just have to listen an believe Daddy. O Well!!!!! I will not drag her into this, nor talk to her about why what nor if only. I did not deserve to be treated that way by my Husband nor anyone for that matter, So I got a lawyer and got out. I took care of my family, was the accountant, child bearer, sitter, as all women do w/o pay do for our families. I  raised my Daughter, must say i did a great job, or did I? I thought she respected me, but when divorce was here I thought she would put her Dad in his place, without a word from me, but I will not disrepect her by speaking badly and telling all as to Why nor What Dad did ? So I let it be, when she wants to believe her Dad, I must step aside, let her grow up but what she doesn't see for herself, not I, should put it in her mind. She has a Father an Mother for life, we are only two parents , though separate lives now.  I pray all in good timing she will come around. She parrots her Dad, a mimic, cause she heard it lived with it, left it. I just hope all woman remember to put themselves first, then other's. Cause in the end, I am without, I just hope my Daughter doesn't choose a man like her Dad. But it's her choice to believe him and treat me as she wants. If you love them let them go, hopefully she will come back. A MOM with a child in the middle.

What in the world kind of upbringing does one have to have to be able to JUSTIFY calling your kids nams to "Toughen them up ", I wonder if maybe I was raised wrong, or I'm raising my kids wrong, I mean seriously, I think MOST of us can get through the day without even THINKING those things about others (well, okay I admit when I was working in retail, there were days I was glad that there were no mind readers around).

And then to FORCE a child to cover up for you and lie for you, how much lower can you possibly sink, MOM, YOU broke up her home and family, YOU are the ONE PERSON in this world she should be able to depend on for STABILITY, YOU BLEW IT !

But it is easier for her to resent the interloper, you see he is nothing to her really, she wants her MOTHER, and she dosen't want to betray her father as YOU did, what a wonderful gift you gave her, the ability to lie.

Wait and see I suppose.