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Topic : 09/07 Kids Caught in the Middle

Number of Replies: 88
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Created on : Friday, August 31, 2007, 10:24:49 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Marriage is too often a war zone with innocent kids trapped on the battlefield. Dr. Phil sounds the alarm on parents who use their children as pawns in their relationships. Vangie had a lover, Dave, for 18 years before she married him last year. There was just one small problem -- Vangie was already married! Her daughter, Danell, was forced to lie and cover up the affair, and now she refuses to accept Dave. Should Danell forget the past and make peace with her mother’s new husband, or does she have the right to resent her stepfather? Then, Denise says Bruce, her husband of 22 years, is such a bully that she left him eight months ago. She says that he badmouths her in front of their kids and tries to pit them against her. Their 14-year-old daughter, Lauren, says he’s called her a pig, a slob and a bitch and has left nasty messages on her cell phone. Bruce says he’s not a bully; he’s just preparing his kids for the real world. What’s behind Bruce’s behavior, and will he and Denise be able to salvage their relationship for the sake of the kids? Talk about the show here.

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September 7, 2007, 1:19 pm CDT

I CONCUR

Quote From: shrimpety

it is interesting that after all that Vangie did, everything she put her kids through that she thinks that somehow now that she married her boyfriend that the slate is wiped clean. she clearly does not get how what she did was abusive and cruel. she seems to be very selfish, self centered and immature using religion as a sheild for accepting responsibility for her bad behaviour. i wouldn't want either the mom or step dad around my kids.

I think Dr. Phil missed the target on the adulterous mother, he got close, but really should have hammered her for constantly mentioning her happiness. Having been put in a similar situation by my father for 15 years, I recognize the same narcisstic responses. It's all about the adulterer's happiness, and when they're happy everything is perfect, regardless of the pain they caused. And their apologies never own up to or recognize the hell they caused their children.  To this day my father 'wonders' why my brother and sister don't have anything to do with him, and because I did not reject him, my siblings kept me at a distance.  I was firm and direct with my father and finally after the death of his former mistress/wife he's coming around primarily because he's lonely and getting up in years. 

I remind him and would this couple too, that forgiveness does not eliminate consequences. 

 
September 7, 2007, 1:25 pm CDT

kids caught in the middle

Quote From: depot25

 

                      When I see things like this it just makes me so sad, and angry!!  How do these parents think?   Who gave them the right to put themselves frist?  I am remarried to a wonderful man, but my ex is still a big part of our childrens lives.  Does he drive me crazy of course!!!  If he didn't we would still be together!!! Do I personally respect him NO, but he Is the father to our two boys who love him.  I respect that!!!  Yes there are days that we have DISCUSSIONS when the children are not around, if we start to yell we stop and one of us will walk away and we will contiune when we both have cooled off.  NEVER IN THE CHILDRENS  EAR SHOT!!!!! 

      How does Dr. Phill do this?  I watch the show and find myself yelling at the T.V.  As parents we are given a ture gift!!!!  no matter what we do our children love us whole hearted.  I had to go through alot of pain and anger, but the worst was when my children would ask why is daddy gone and they would cry (he had an affair and left when my second child was a week old) was I angry yes, but the children don't need that adult stress.  We did alot of hugging and loving and reassuring it was not thier fault we as mommy and daddy let you down and we are sorry.  The mos important thing my parents taught me was always acknowlege the emotion!!!  I would tell my children Mommy and Daddy love you very much IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  I know your sad.


All adults going through this-stop thinking of yourself.  This is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.  GET HELP  it's out there.  Don't even make facial expressions when the children are speaking about your ex the children are always watching and listening.  They need to know they are loved and safe. 

GOD BLESS YOU DR. PHILL I DON'T THINK I COULD DEAL WITH SOME OF YOUR QUEST WITHOUT JUST GIVING THE A V8 SMACK RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD.
Danielle needs to grow up...people are not perfect...everyone, including parents have the right to be happy, and can be forgiven for past mistakes...The daughter is acting like a child...sorry dr phil i disagree with you...i speak from personal experience...
 
September 7, 2007, 1:47 pm CDT

Hmmm

Quote From: housewife52

I have to say that I cannot believe that a married woman carried on an affair for 18 years under her husband's nose and he didn't know about it. I SAID this is neither here nor there!
I admit it's a bit tough to fathom, assuming that the cuckolded husband had half a brain (regardless of Danelle's secrecy). Unless, of course, he was in a River in Egypt for all that time!
 
September 7, 2007, 1:48 pm CDT

Long term affect on the child

I'm 51 and have spent a lifetime with a mother who was married and had long term affairs. She brought me into her secret when I was just 9 years old. I didn't even understand sex at that age. She treated me like her best friend and confided in me, had me meet her boyfriends, join them for lunch, and I was aware that her friend came by the house each evening (while my step dad was at work). He'd cruise the neighborhood and then stop at the driveway where she would meet him and they would talk for a long time. She would lie and go away for weekends with him, but she told me the truth about where she was. That's way too much for a 9 year old to handle.

I learned NOTHING from my mother about being a wife and mother. Nothing about what a good marriage really was. It's been a struggle for me to be a good wife. Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband now (2nd marriage for both of us) and we've been together for 27 years. I have learned so much from him and his family, and I am forever grateful.

I remain very angry with my mother. But she is now nearly 80 and has dementia problems. For the last 10 years I have considered getting this off my chest and telling her how much anger and rage I carry from those early childhood years. To let her know how screwed up I was. She honestly believes that she was a good mother and that we are very close. I have decided that it's too late now. What good would it do to upset her.

I never have known another person who was raised this way. I felt a real connection to the daughter on this morning's program. Thank you for airing this show and this subject.
 
September 7, 2007, 1:48 pm CDT

I can totally relate to Denise's situation..

I have three children (my son by previous relationship, two daughters by my fiance), and they are very important to me. I have been with my fiance for 9 years and I cannot recall any times that were great or just content. If things do not go his way then he just blows up at me or the children.

His job consumes his time from 7am till 7pm, so his time spent with the kids is limited. He has very poor disciplining skills, he either shouts at them or grabs my son (11 y.o) by the back of his neck or his upper arm and leads him to his room. Leaving finger imprints and at times I do not know who to believe what happened. My son tells me one thing and fiance says another, So I declared that No One grabs or puts any hands on anyone and the problem was solved. Well my fiance was not having that, So it causes conflict. I suggested that he get online and find better ways of disciplining a 11,8,6 y.o He tells me to do it for him, I said No' he needs to realize that he has a problem. My 6 y.o went to school and told her teacher what happened, they questioned my son and when they got home and told me that I was a little relieved. I told them not to lie about the situation. I told my fiance and he was quite nervous, I said 'Why so Nervous?, since you claim that you did not hurt anyone you should not feel guilty." He said that what we do in the home does not leave the home. After many attempts to leave him and his problems, I am in a financial bind and cannot rely on my family because they cannot afford me and 3 kids to stay with them. So I have to get a 2nd part time job and save as much as I can. I too, like Denise, must pack up and go without him knowing just to avoid the drama. Dr. Phil, if you read this post- please help my fiance to be a better father, my kids deserve it.

 
September 7, 2007, 1:54 pm CDT

I concur x2

Quote From: westover2

I think Dr. Phil missed the target on the adulterous mother, he got close, but really should have hammered her for constantly mentioning her happiness. Having been put in a similar situation by my father for 15 years, I recognize the same narcisstic responses. It's all about the adulterer's happiness, and when they're happy everything is perfect, regardless of the pain they caused. And their apologies never own up to or recognize the hell they caused their children.  To this day my father 'wonders' why my brother and sister don't have anything to do with him, and because I did not reject him, my siblings kept me at a distance.  I was firm and direct with my father and finally after the death of his former mistress/wife he's coming around primarily because he's lonely and getting up in years. 

I remind him and would this couple too, that forgiveness does not eliminate consequences. 

I, too, got the impression that from Vangie's standpoint, it was all about her, her, her, never mind the anguish she caused her CHILD by having her LIE to the (presumably only) father figure in her life, not just once, but multiple times over many years. If the marriage was sooo awful, she should have "cut bait" YEARS earlier!

 

I was w/the Doc -- if Vangie would BACK OFF pushing the new man onto Danelle & her family for a while, daughter might come around. It may take longer than Vangie would like, and help from a good therapist for a while, but there is hope.

 
September 7, 2007, 2:13 pm CDT

You didn't ask the right questions?

   I watched your latest show about kids caught in the middle. The Dad in this show appeared to be closing in on 60 yrs old and defiantly grew up in a different time. I am not defending him at all, as I am quite like him myself having three teenage boys. But my boys know some thing about me that I don't think this man made clear to his children.

1. I am a human being, I make mistakes and am genuinely sorry when I do, to the point of lying awake at night feeling guilty for some bad behavior.

2. I love each of my children more than I love myself.

3. I would go to jail to defend them against something they are accused of that I know they didn't do.

4.I would kill if I had to to keep them from harm.

5. I would lay down my life to keep them safe.

My kids all know these things, so when we get mad and lose control and behave poorly;  we apologize, we hug, sometimes we cry, and we always move on.

Mark 9:24

 
September 7, 2007, 2:29 pm CDT

09/07 Kids Caught in the Middle

Quote From: mpur1021240

   I watched your latest show about kids caught in the middle. The Dad in this show appeared to be closing in on 60 yrs old and defiantly grew up in a different time. I am not defending him at all, as I am quite like him myself having three teenage boys. But my boys know some thing about me that I don't think this man made clear to his children.

1. I am a human being, I make mistakes and am genuinely sorry when I do, to the point of lying awake at night feeling guilty for some bad behavior.

2. I love each of my children more than I love myself.

3. I would go to jail to defend them against something they are accused of that I know they didn't do.

4.I would kill if I had to to keep them from harm.

5. I would lay down my life to keep them safe.

My kids all know these things, so when we get mad and lose control and behave poorly;  we apologize, we hug, sometimes we cry, and we always move on.

Mark 9:24

oops, wrong board
 
September 7, 2007, 2:53 pm CDT

09/07 Kids Caught in the Middle

Denise you move on, find a real man!...

 

You can not  teach the old dog a new trick.

 
September 7, 2007, 3:16 pm CDT

When will it stop

I was with my husband for 23 years.  When I met him he was married but had girlfriends.  From the very beginning he was obsessed with me.  Everytime I tried to get away from him he would fake trying to commit suicide over and over. 

When any of his kids (his one daughter) who was 11 talked against us - he held a knife to her throat.

I told him about a guy I had dated that he knew and he got me down and choked me.  He also thought I had gone out with another friend of his (I hadn't) the guy was black.  He called me a * * * for 23 years.  When we needed groceries he asked why we didn't have any, I would get ready to go and he would ask why I had to go, was I going to flirt.  When I would get home he would accuse me of flirting with the guys who would take my groceries to car. 

He tried to seperate me from my family because my family did not like him. 

My father lent us 38,000 because he couldn't run his business correctly, he tried to steal money and a house from my mother  - now he says that they are the problem, that they shouldn't be upset. 

He once beat his son so bad (this son is dead due to how his mother and father constantly pulled at him) that social services came.  He had threatened people with a gun and got out of it.  He whipped our son so bad it cut his legs open because the belt flipped and the silver conches cut him.

These are just a drop in the bucket of how I was abused.  How he is alienting my children.  I have no way to fight him because I gave up my part in our business that I worked myself to the point of heirniated disc and poor health.  I gave up the house when I ran.  I

I have someone else now but he has threatened to kill him. 

I can't get on with my life and I am scared to death of what he is doing to my children.  We have joint custody but they are primary with him because I had no where to go and no money.  I tried to let them continue with their church and not have them change schools because they do have good grades.

My oldest is 23, he saw most of the abuse, but is mad at me - I was always strong and could take it - then I couldn't and he blames me for this.  My second son is 18 and is mad at everything.  My daughter is 12.  She has breasts, she is on her period and she has to sleep with him every night.  He scared her so badly when she was six that someone was going to steal her that she has been unable to sleep by herself.  She never even plays in the yard because of being scared.  There are things that men can't help physically when they sleep.  She should not be sleeping with him because of this. 

My husband is a liar and a con and he plays this game very well.  I can't get any help.  I can prove every single thing that has ever happened.  I am still a victim and now my kids are.

Where do I go???

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

Melanie Smothers

 
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