Quote From: space007I have been engaged for three months. My fiancé and I have a wonderful relationship and things could not be better between us. I love his family very much and they seemed to have had the same feelings for me. In the beginning when I met his family everything was picture perfect. I ended up moving in with my fiancé and his parents. Everything seemed to have been fine then too. Now I realize it was not the best idea I had come up with yet. The day after I got engaged the problems started.
His parents said that I was controlling and that I was not good for him because I wanted a career. His mother, sister, and brothers’ wife are all stay at home moms. I think since I want to have a career that must mean that I was going to be a bad mother in the future. His family has been saying I am controlling because he supposedly is not around his family as much as he used to be. His brother really was upset with me because he said I was taking his brother from him. The brother also said that I did not appreciate the parents for me living there. I helped clean around the house, I would cook, and I tried to give them money, but they wouldn’t take it. I would buy stuff for the house like toilet paper, toothpaste, and paper towels that we all would use. My fiancé was always around his family since he never had many friends, because the parents always thought that the people it met weren’t good enough to be his friend. When he met me he just focused more on being with me, but we still were with his family every Sunday for family day. Occasionally we would go see my mother or my uncle, but his parents expressed that I was always somewhere else instead of being at their house which is not correct.
I am an engineering student and I study very much for school. I would be in my room studying for at least three hours a night. His parents said that I was being antisocial and made claims of me not wanting to be around the family because of my schoolwork. When in reality I tried to be around the family as much as I could. When midterms came around this semester I knew I would have to study so I decided to stay at my mothers for a week so I would not get accused of being antisocial. Well two days after I left is when the big problem started.
My fiancés’ parents told him that he had to break up with me. They told him that if he stayed with me and married me that they would never come to see us or our kids when we have them. So my fiancé tried to break up with me because his parents told him to and he is twenty-one years old. The parents are extremely controlling so all his life he has done everything they said in fear of them being mad at him. My fiancé and I never had any problems. Everything between us was perfect. I was so happy with how everything was going until this all happened.
The next day my fiancé came to my house to tell me what he had done was wrong. He said that he was going to be with me. Other the other hand his mother was telling him she was proud of him for breaking up with me. They were telling him it was the right thing to do. The mother said that she was so glad to have her son back. My fiancé kept talking to me and kept coming to see me despite his parents’ wishes because he knew what they were doing was wrong. He just felt so torn because his parents have been telling him one thing and the person he wants to marry has been telling him another thing.
His parents kept telling him that I was too strong minded and that I wasn’t feminine enough to be with him. They said that he was stupid and that there was something wrong with him mentally for wanting to be with me. They made him feel guilty about seeing me. They made him feel like he was being disloyal to his family. So a few days later his parents flipped out on him again after spending the weekend with me.
His mother said she cried all weekend because he wasn’t there and that he should be there with them. They told him if he moved out to be with me that he would not be a part of the family anymore. All they having been doing is threatening him. My fiancé told me he felt so bad about this that he thought about committing suicide because either way he can’t win because his parents are making him chose. So he kept talking to me and he has been going to a psychologist. Even his psychologist says that his parents should not be telling him what he should do and that all of this didn’t seem right to her. One night he ended up coming over to talk to me. He told me that he was going to stand up to them and that he and I were going to be together.
I have not talked to him since. That was two nights ago. He says that is sorry and he can not be with me because of his family. He emailed me saying that he loves me but is not allowed to be with me. He also stated that it would hurt too much to talk to me because he wants to be with me and there is nothing he can do about it. I love him so much and he loves me but his parents do not want us to be together. I am not sure exactly why because they haven’t told me. They just say that I tried to break the family up and I have done disrespectful things. When I ask them what I did that was disrespectful they just say that they can’t remember. I just want my fiancé to know that his has a right to do things that he wants and it is not right for his parents to make him feel this way. I want his family to be happy with this, but I do not feel like they have a valid reason for the way they are acting. If I did something really bad I could understand this, but this is not the case.
I feel as if they do not want me with him because I know that they control him. They are afraid that if he is with me that they will lose control of him. Obviously they control him, because he wants to be with the woman he is suppose to marry, but now he can’t because his parents said so. Another way they are controlling him is through finances. His truck is in his parents’ name. He asked them over a month ago if he could sell it so he could buy a car that he would not have to make payments on. His parents said that he wasn’t allowed because it was in their names. His parents need someone in a professional position to tell them what they see from the situation. The parents need someone to tell them what they are doing is wrong or maybe I need someone to tell me that I am wrong. I told my fiancé I would not give up because I love him so much. I still love his family very much as well. I wish we could all go to counseling and work this out. I wish his parents could get help for being controlling and I wish my fiancé could get help on how not to let people control you. I need help as well, because I just want to be the best person I can be.
I am so confused and I dont want to lose my fiance over this.
I am exactly where you are except we married. My mil was just like yours (to be). They still want to control their son, but it is going to take him to stand up to them in order for him to go on with his life, otherwise, he will be miserable for the rest of his life and wont no woman period be allowed in his life because of his mothers control. We have children together which have been ignored by the inlaws for 2 years now. Our 5y/o son has diabetes and no phone call from inlaws concerning his health. I just had a brother in law (on my side of the family) who was murdered and no phone call from inlaws to see if they can watch the kids so we can attend the funeral. I had to depend on my neighbors. When my fil comes down to borrow something from my husband my 5 y/o son is feeling the affects of not being liked by him and wont speak to him and will hide behind my husband. Fil doesnt acknowledge the kids when he is here either. It is pure hell being in a family where you are not wanted. It is also hell for the kids involved. If I didnt love my husband and we didnt have any kids I would have left already. We stay away from the inlaws and go on with our life. Since you dont have any kids with him, even though you love him, you might want to reconsider your thoughts and go on with your life, because inlaws like these, are HELL! WE live right behind our inlaws and it is hard trying to make our marriage work with them acting like they do. My husband feels the same as I do about his parents. I want to move away from them, so oour kids wont have to feel the hurt by them ignoring them. Good luck in your decision. If you choose to stay with him or if he comes back, this is what you have to look forward too.
