Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

My daughter married a man seventeen years ago.  His family and him live in Valparaiso, Indiana.  He is domineering and I think he has abused my daughtger terribly.  I used to send packages to my grandkids every year because I knew he would take the money if I sent it to her. Now I have stopped that because I don't think the kids would get it and they are teenagers now.   There has been no contact on her part and I don't think that is the way she wants it.  He speaks and everyone jumps.  He has not worked I know of for a long time.  He is on medical disability.  I stopped by their house unexpectedly and no one was home.  I kept trying to call her but they would not answer the phone.  Finally, on my last try she called me back.  That was 7 years ago.  The only pictures I have of them is the pictures I took of them when I was there.  He never said more than 10 words to me the whole time I was there.  I gave my granddaughter my e-mail address and she started writing to me but then it stopped.  All he wants of my daughter is to be a baby factory.  She had a little girl 4 or 5 years ago.  I am not sure.  They never contact me.  I believe my oldest grandson graduated from high school this year but nothing.  I called every year on Mothers Day and Christmas but I never got to talk to them.  Now I don't have their phone number because he probably changed it.  I am not sure if they are still living at the same house.  I probably won't even know when she dies as their will be no contact.  I cry most of the time because of what she married and how he is so domineering.  I have 5 grandchildren by her and I have never even seen the last one.  It breaks my heart and I cry a lot but that is all I can do.  I called the high school and they won't give me any information which I know they are only doing their job and protecting the kids.  I don't know what to do.  I am sure they will be the first ones to find out if I have died and if they get any money.  It is sad.  She married someone worthless and there is nothing I can do about it and the kids suffer.  I threatened one time that I would go to court to see my grandchildren but then there would be a lot of hostility and the grandkids would think bad things of me worse than they probably do already.  It is so sad.  I would love just to be able to hold my daughter and my grandkids.  But it is too late now.  I am too far away and money is so bad.  It is heartbreaking though.  

 

Hi,

 

It will probably get more ridiculous as they don't get their way. You are doing good standing your ground, and you should give yourself a pat on the back for that! I know it's hard when you're torn between being a part of the in-law family and protecting yourself from them. Being part of the in-law family that knows no boundaries, no respect, no loving atmosphere, no show of affection is not where I want to be again. I am a compassionate and affectionate person and it goes against my nature to be like this with family, but it is too much negative stuff all the time. I don't surround myself with friends like this, so why should I accept their behavior just because they're family? I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride, up and down. One minute she's being nice, (to reel me back in) and the next minute it's back to the same old stunts. My emotions and feelings went through the ringer during these times as it was up and down all the time!  If it was just little stuff and they showed respect and didn't do all the things they do, it might be different. But my MIL and some other members of the family go way over the boundaries to the extreme. Right now, she's trying to get a response from me through other family members because a holiday, July 4th, is coming up. This happens every holiday, as she tries to start an argument between my DH and I. I expected it and know more stunts will be coming. So, keep your guard up this week! :)

 

Write soon and let me know how you are doing. Take care!

 

 

 

 

Thanks I do think I have done well. I just have to stand strong and that is what I am doing and I know this is just the begging because it has been a while so I know they will continue. I will not be broken. I have very bad feeling for all of them and that is that. I dont want to be around them and I wont be. If my husbands wants it then have fun.. I am all set. I made it threw so I feel good about it. I just said they just dont get it do they.. not going to happen not this time. Not ever again.. I just think it is funny. It is always on there terms and on there time.. they can kiss my you know what.. Not going to happen. I have my Godson wich is my sister in laws son here. He slept over so I know either she will be calling or what ever to get him today. I am going to call my husband and go threw him. I dont want anything to do with them and that for me is conversations of any kind. my mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say say nothing. Well I have nothing to say to them.. I talk here because I have to get it out.. In a healthy way sort of way.. Ya know. Well thanks and I will let you know how it all goes.. Take Care and Good luck with your situation.. Stay Strong.. I hope to be there some day.. talk soon. 

I dont really know what to say to this but wanted to say I am sorry for your situation and I hope that someday you will hear from your daughter and her children before it is to late.. Stay strong and God Bless.

I can really relate to so many of the posts here.  I live with my mother in law.  She is 91 years old and is the most meanspirited person I have every known.  My husband, son and myself have lived with her for almost 5 years.  She was falling a lot so my husband thought it would be good to move in.  The first 3 years where hell.  She was verbally abusive to the whole family, but moreso towards me.  She literally disrespected me from  the day  I first moved in.  She would pit my son against me by lying about me.  I have spent nearly 20 years in and out of therapy because of being abused as a child by 2 foster families, both foster familes were related to each other.  The foster family were truly dysfunctional.  I only realized that  as I healed in therapy.  There was emotional, physical and sexual abuse and I was a victim of their hate. 

Now I am in a home where that abuse is triggered on a regular basis.  She is not physically abusive but is verbally abusive.  I have confronted her numerous times after I got stronger but she will be fine for a while and then goes back to her same behavior if she is not getting her way, silent treatment, playing mind games and then denying that there is anything wrong.  Anyone who is aware of the games people play, like meanspirted in laws, knows what I am talking about.  I have come to a place where I have nothing more to give.  I am a loving and a caring person, compassionate and empathetic.  I am that way because of my past.  I am also very sensitive to any kind of abuse, but I do not apologize for being sensitive.  I almost wonder if my mother in law preys on my vunerability, since many times I went to her, talked to her about her behavior, but not once did she own her behavior or say she was sorry.  I will not let her age be an excuse for being so damn mean to me.  Yes, I am angry.  If I deserved her abuse because of my behavior that would be one thing, but my behavior has never been about putting her down, only standing up for myself.  Her behavior has worked with her son and others.  It does not work with me.  By not confronting her I am enabling her to repeat the behavior as tho it is okay.  It is not okay!!!!!!!!!!  My husband does not stand up to her because he is not as sensitive to what she does.  He gets over it, I do not.

I have worked real hard to become whole after 20 years in and out of therapy.  I find it sooooooooooo frustrating that I live with this woman.  The rest of her nieces and nephews and their children all think she is a sweet aunt and so loving.  We see a different picture.  I could blame her behavior on dementia, but as I said she is not this way with other people just the people who are there to take care of her, her son, daughter in law and grandson.  I truly am beginning to hate being around her.  I do retreat to the basement and try real hard not to be around her that often, only when necessary.  If I did not live here and only visited, I could excuse myself.  It is a lot harder when on a daily basis I come home from work and have to sit at the same table and be congenial.  Any advice would be appreciated.  I am at my wits end.  It is as tho she is an emotional vampire and sucking the life out of me. I have become a strong person in this journey, but she is THE ONLY PERSON that for some reason takes my power away and I am working hard that she not do that.

Dr. Phil,

 

Majority of the time I agree with you, but today I empathize with the mother-in-law.  The deep pain that she was expressing results when a mother has loved her daughter, been devoted to caring for her daughter, and wants the best for her; and her behavior is usually more aggressive than subdued when there isn't a father there to threaten the son-in-law into treating his daughter right.  Sometimes when young people fall in love they lose all perspective to other people's feelings, and never seem to give a vicarious thought to their parent's feelings (and in this case erratic behaviour as well).  Some men don't give as much respect to his mother-in-law if she's a single mother, but if a man is there they both get more respect.  But the daughter is mainly the one to establish that respect.  When a mother has single-handedly raised, nurtured, and taken care of her children, she feels like her child owes her some devotion too.  And although she may not particularily like the individual that her daughter has chosen as a mate, if her daughter will talk to her mother about the things that she know is bothering her (instead of being so secretive and one-sided about their issues) then she can allay a lot of her disapproving feelings about her mate.  She has to transition her into accepting this stranger.  It's called honoring your mother.  It's a very deep pain when you have done your very best for your children - and always want the best for them, and they seem to care nothing about your feelings.  As long as my mother was never abusive or negligent to me or my children, regardless of the rift between her and my spouse, I would never keep my child away from their grandmother; and especially not for two years.  That mother endured deep emotional pain.  Maybe couples should have pre-marital counseling, with the mother and father-in-laws included in the counseling, especially for those with short term engagements, so they can get to know each other better, and express their reasonable expectations.

 

Lovebreeze

 

 

Hi,

 

In my opinion, it is your husband's job to put an end to this verbal abuse now. He may look the other way or get over it, but he should never allow his mother to verbally abuse his wife and son. He shouldn't be so willing to take the abuse himself. It is not your duty to stop her from this behavior. It is your duty to protect yourself and your son if DH doesn't. You need to talk to DH about this and find out why he is letting his mother verbally abuse his family, and what he can do about it. ( Since she's so nice to everyone else, let them take care of her. ) Think about everything you need to let him know about in a calm, respectful way, and let him know how you and your son feel about it. And let him know that this must be taken care of immediately. This has been going on for 5 years, and like you say, after you had talked to her, she would be fine for a while and then go back to the same behavior. I understand that real well, and all it does is put you on an emotional roller coaster. Let  your DH know that you don't deserve this, and neither does your son. That you are here to help take care of his mother, and you expect to be treated with at least respect and kindness. And if this doesn't happen, then maybe HE should take care of her since none of this bothers him!

 

You will have to get your power back by distancing yourself emotionally from her. I understand that you live with her, therefore you deal with her on a daily basis, and what a sacrifice for you! I'm sure you've probably tried everything to make things better. And I'm sure she takes advantage of that. Don't let her. Just go about your business and don't respond to anything, no matter what. If she wants to act up, leave the room. Who's going to listen to her then? Not you!  Is she an invalid, or does she get around on her own? Does she need constant monitoring, and if so, who does that?

 

It upsets me when I hear about a man who cannot or will not stand up to his mother ( or other family members ) for his wife and/or children. What is wrong with these men that they can't say "Mom, that's enough" when she starts her antics, and then go from there. I don't understand why they can't ot won't.

 

Write back and let me know how you are doing. Please take care of YOU!

 

Hi everybody,

 

I would like to hear opinions on what I should do. I had promised myself that I was through with my MIL and a couple of other family members. I have kept my distance for the last year, especially since Mother's Day. She can tell she doesn't bother me anymore and has tried several "antics" to get a response from me.

 

My DH told me today that there is a cook-out Sunday at her house. She is leaving the time up to us. She also wants to know what I want as far as food goes. She, in my opinion, is being real nice so that I would go so that she can have "her audience". ( "Family" members are a different kind of audience ). I had almost thought about going, taking my camera, thinking maybe this time, things would be fun and somewhat normal. This is what always happens. She's nice, I think things will be better, and then the bottom falls out. It never fails. So, I've pretty much made up my mind not to go. I haven't told DH yet. If I go, I have to deal with the MIL and all that negative energy. If I don't go, it will cause an argument between me and DH.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Thanks.

 

 

I think if you go, you ABSOLUTELY need to do it w/ the understanding that your guard still needs to be up.

If you go, have no expectations (except more of the same because you know that's what you're going to get)...if you go it will be to see other family members or as a show of support for your husband. 

By this point, it sounds like you know the danger-areas, when/where/how your MIL will cause problems, so keep proactive.  Have responses (and escape route! LOL) planned so you aren't caught off guard.  I avoid talking privately w/ my MIL because she always pops off when nobody else can hear her.  And I keep to "safe" topics when I'm conversing w/ her in group setting.

Don't get roped back in/ let your guard down/ or get your expectations up & you'll be fine!  LOL! 

If you go, please post back here & tell how it went!

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for responding. You made some very good points, especially the escape route!! LOL! She called yesterday to especially talk to me and not DH ( very rare ) about the cook-out. So I KNOW she wants me there for a reason. She's being too nice ( very unlike her ).

 

 I like to get other ideas as something is brought up I might not have thought of. Or I get a different prespective of things. I do the same as you in not having a private conversation and staying on safe topics. Even then sometimes, she will get in her comment that is meant to bother me and cause problems in our marriage. I have dealt with it, but I haven't liked being put in that position. We'll see.

 

Thanks for your input as it is greatly appreciated. I'll write soon, and good luck with yours!