Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

she will still find a way to do it.  You can only be as proactive as possible to limite her chances and limit the damage.

Oh, yes, my MIL still manages to insult me;  shame she seems SO deterimined to do so.

Only time this year we've been at her house, she brought out sidewalk chalk for my kids and told them to draw on her porches all they wanted (she says this in front of whole group).  I warned "4 little kids, that's going to be  lot of drawing if you tell them to do all they want."   "oh, it will clean up!"

So hours later, when we're gathering up to leave I ask where my niece is (MIL's "special" grandchild), and MIL says "she went to clean some of this up" and she looks around at my kids' drawings, frowning!  (this neice is 2 yrs old, I don't think she was really sent to clean up the porches!  But MIL implied by her body language that the poor dear had to go clean up after my kids).  I mean, I do have my kids clean up toys when they leave but it didn't dawn on me to wash the porches off  :(

So my MIL saw a little way to make me feel bad about my kids (because I expressed concern that they'd make too big a mess), and she used that as ammunition to get a jab in right before we left!   She knows insulting my kids/my parenting is what upsets me the most, so that's what she goes for. 

Sorry to go off on a tangent...LOL     But, you're right, if she's determined to insult you, she'll jump on every chance and work to create chances.   

 

Hi,

 

You know. it is a shame that these MILs are so determined to cause strife wherever they can find it. Is that their job in life - to look for oportunities to cause trouble? I have too much to do to worry about causing trouble for someone else. It's not my style anyway. I do find that MILs like this don't have a life other than making their adult children their priority. They haven't let go of their children yet. My MIL calls my DH every day at least 2-5 times a day, and vice versa. She calls him more than I do! ( I wonder how many times would be considered normal for a mother to call her son or vice versa? ) She knows where he's at and what he's doing every day. She encourages this emotional dependence on her, and manipulates to reinforce this dependence and that is a sore spot with me. I see it all the time. She reels her own son in when she feels he's "getting too far from her"! It is so pathetic.

 

I see her working through DH too as when he talks to me, I can tell if what he's saying has come from her or not. And of course it's all negative. I try to counteract with something positive, if for nothing else, for me.

 

I just keep on going with what I have to do and enjoy myself while I'm doing it. It's good to hear stories from other women in the same predicament, so I don't mind if you go on another tangent! LOL! It seems with the MIL, there's ALWAYS another episode! LOL!

 

Take care and thanks for writing. Hearing other women's stories keeps me objective about my own!

My daughter in law speaks to her mother on the phone much more then 5 times a day and no one thinks this is a controlling aspect of the mother... just that they are close.  It is funny how men who give extra attention to their mothers isn't cutting the apron string but when women are that close to their mothers it is a wonderful relationship.  If a man is close to his mother and shows respect and love to her, doesn't that mean she was a good mother and he will also show attention to his wife like that?  They are more sensitive to the needs of women. 

 

Some mother in laws are pushy, so are some wives.  All relationships have the good and bad parts, it is up to everyone to try to make it more good then bad.  If you pay more attention to the good and remember that tomorrow, the bad parts might not matter, it would be much easier to have good relationships with the extended family.  Also remember that there are always two sides to each story. 

 

About grandparents having "special" grandchildren.  I am sure they love all their grandchildren but there are some that they know better then the rest.  My parents are very close to my brother's kids because they pretty much raised them.  My kids are loved very much by my parents and it shows when they are around them.  My in laws are very close to my children, but we lived close to them for 10 years.  My sister in law always complained that my kids were the 'favorite" and it caused insecurities with her daughter.  It isn't that my in laws loved my children more, they just knew them better and my kids also showed them a lot of love and attention.  Instead of pointing out that there is favorites, bring your children around grandma and grandpa as much as possible to let them get to know your children as well as those who are always over at grandmas.  Sometimes it is just the way you look at things that makes the difference.

I think I'm a pretty easy-going person with a lot of friends and family. People say I can get along with anyone and everyone so . . . after 21 years of marriage, I am wondering what to do with my in-laws. A few examples are: the day of our wedding, my MIL told my husband that I had the potential of getting fat (I'm still 5'4" and 130 lbs. so I wouldn't consider myself some sort of weight project . . . still). When we told them of our new pregnancy at the ripe old age of 21, my MIL said, "well, you know our cow had a baby last year" and proceeded to ignore the real subject - new baby. Over the years, it's become apparent that they don't like me, they seem to say these "subtle" but insulting things on every occasion, and his oldest sister is just as bad, if not worse. She sent me a long letter about birth control when she heard of our first child (my first pregnancy). She recently asked my husband, "is there someplace in the world your wife doesn't want to go so we can go on vacation?" I'm usually not referred to by name and they often say these little things that are making me more and more angry as time goes on. Their last visit with us was horrible; I tried to be their tour guide, cook and hostess, and they went back to their hometown and complained that they weren't shown what they really wanted to see, etc. I now see the postcards to my kids that say, "we're planning a visit soon, maybe this summer, etc." with no indication that anyone is going to talk with me first. They do a lot of assuming; their first visit to our first home was my wake-up call. They walked into our small apartment, put their suitcase on our bed and then just got in later (our bed). I was five months pregnant. Anyway, they are sending my kids notes about their planned religious expedition with them (to a place that holds our religion in almost contempt) and, of course, nobody is asking me. I did tell my kids and my husband that I will put my foot down with contrary religious experiences. This does not even take into account the 50th anniversary party his siblings have decided to throw, and probably expect 25% contribution from us, without asking us for any input. They will plan it, decide on the budget, expect us to be there and expect a check. So many assumptions. So tired of them. My husband avoids rocking his entire family boat (of course), but it's getting out of hand. He'd rather make up a lame excuse to avoid the family reunions than face the issues or defend our beliefs or my ability to choose. What, if anything, can be done? They are so not worth problems with my husband, but I cannot stand the thought of seeing them. Where do I draw the line in my sand at? I know for sure they won't be taking my kids on the religious expedition they are planning, with me as the tour guide, I'm sure. My line is drawn for sure at that point. Any advice appreciated. I could start sending them the same types of correspondence they send to my family, sweet but filled with hidden "mean" meaning. They would, after all, never dream that it was an insult to compare my prenancy to a cow's. They spoke so highly of their cow and in such a nice manner.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for responding. I know what you are saying as I have tried everything I could in the last 12 years ( and more than once ) to make this a better relationship. I get no encouragement that things would be any different. I am tired that the responsibility of making things better is on my shoulders. I am tired of ignoring the behavior of a controlling woman who treats her son like a surrogate companion. I have no problem with close. I think it's great when a parent can be close to their adult children. But there is a line drawn even there, and she crosses that line daily. She knows no boundaries. All I have ever asked for is respect as her son's wife. She doesn't even have to like me, just respect me as I have always respected her, no matter what she has done.

 

As far as mothers talking to their daughters many times a day being controlling . . . mothers can be just as controlling to their daughters as to their sons. It depends on whether the mother is a controlling and manipulative woman or if she just likes to talk alot. Cutting the apron string isn't about closeness. . . it's about dependence . . . when the adult son or daughter is unusually dependent on their parent.

 

The women on this board, as well as myself, who have long experienced the disrespect, the verbal abuse, the mean-spiritedness of a woman we call our MIL, would not say we are upset because our DH are close to their mothers.  We are upset that this is happening in the first place, and the fact that it is accepted and allowed to continue only adds to the problem. It is very devalueing and degrading as a woman and a wife to go through this from a mother who doesn't know how to be socially nice.

 

As far as what you wrote about "If a man is close to his mother and shows respect and love to her, doesn't that mean she was a good mother and he will also show attention to his wife like that?" . . .In a normal family, I would say yes. But I have seen the other side of the coin where the man is showing such love and respect because he's still trying to win the love from his mother he never got as a child.

 

I have never seen or been in a situation like this before, and if anyone would have told me about mothers like this, I would have thought they were crazy! So I understand that you may not have come in contact with women such as these, and how lucky for you! You sound like a loving and respectful mother and MIL, and I hope your DIL appreciates this.

 

Thanks for writing and sharing.

 

Do not bother stooping to that level! Instead, it is time to get honest. Because this is your husband’s family, he is the one who should be dealing with them. It is not unreasonable to expect him to stand up for you! He should be doing that, and he can do that in a manner that won’t “rock the boat.” One thing that needs to be done ASAP is addressing this religious expedition. If your husband refuses to call them and simply tell them that your children are not going, then you have to decide what to do. It would be best if your husband agreed with you, even if he is not “willing” to make the phone call. My advice is to send them a letter. A very nice, short, honest letter that says, very simply and obviously, that you appreciate the offer to take your children, however, you and your husband do not think it is appropriate for your children at this time. That is all you need to say. You do not need to go into all the reasons.
How old are your children? Are they looking forward to this religious trip, or do they not care about it? Also, how is their relationship with the in-laws; are they close?
As for this party, again, your husband has to speak up! If there is going to be an issue with giving 25% towards it, then someone has to let them know. They will assume that you will write a check; you know that because it is a very well established pattern. It sounds like it is time to break that pattern! I highly urge you to read the book, “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward. I credit that book with helping me to change my dysfunctional relationship with my in-laws; and I know if it helped me, it can help anyone! I wish you the best!

Very good advice. I am going to find the book and also build up the emotional stamina to confront my husband and my in-laws. For 21 years, I have remained quiet and tried to be polite, even when I'm screaming inside. I figured this was the higher road and also the way to avoid confrontation (which I avoid like the plague). Even a note to them will bring consequences.

 

My big and next question is: do I say something about them not staying here next visit? That last time, I left my house crying a couple of times, went to a friend's house and returned later, trying to hide my frustration. As I have hit my 40's, I seem to be gaining more strength and feel somewhat strongly about not being kicked out of my own house and/or beaten down within. My stomach is in knots the entire time they're here, and I have thought that maybe leaving for their visit would be best; however, then I have to worry about my kids and the house and, and, and. Many of the previous posts sum up quite a few of the actions that take place around here when they're here (mostly disrespectful and rude things), so what is the correct answer? Leave, let people trash my house and expose my kids to comments about me? We have a big house, but it seems as if it isn't quite big enough to house myself and my in-laws at the same time. We do have a spare room. And, my kids are 20, 15 and 12. I did tell the 20-year old he is old enough to go to religious field trips w/them, if he wants. He's in college full-time and working and has no interest in spending hours doing something he really doesn't have time for nor the desire to do. He has all he can do to get to his own church on Sundays and keep up w/everything else.

 

So, do I let them stay here and bite my tongue and actions AGAIN ????? We don't drink, otherwise that would be the time I'd be thinking about that advice. However, if I did, I'm sure things would change quickly! I might speak my mind! All of it! I already know how they would react to even a simple, non-confrontational letter. And, I'm likely to receive consequences like the plague from his older sister. She might actually use my name. I know (from her prior communication) that she believes I trapped her single brother with a future much different than what we created - (three children, happy life). She herself is still single and no children in her mid to upper 40's. My husband has told me she has always been jealous (or something). I don't know if I believe that, but I think she's "off" for inviting him on vacations without his family (specifically, without his family). If I invited my brother to go somewhere that his wife didn't want to go to so we could vacation together, he'd treat me like I had three heads for a while. He might laugh, but he'd certainly think it odd. We have invited him AND HIS WIFE together many places - isn't that the normal route? I would not think I would be considered "short term" and "temporary" after 21 years; however, I've leared very much about how to treat my future daughters-in-law and son-in-law. I'll never treat them as anything  but long-term and with absolute respect. I like and love them already :-) I will bend over backward to be a good mother-in-law since I will be one, and isn't life too short? I believe my parents have been good in-laws for the marjority of our marriage; sometimes I joke w/my husband and ask him to call them b/c they love him more anyway. They have grown to love him. A few bumps in the beginning, but all smooth sailing now. I've at least learned from this mess what to do when I'm in that same position.

Wow... I can't understand how someone can say they are religious and yet treat a family member like they are you.  God, at least, can see what they are doing and they will have to answer for it someday. 

 

As far as the family coming to visit, find out when and make plans to be out of town that week.  Don't mention it to them since they didn't let you know they were coming, how would you have known to be home right?  If you don't go out of town, make sure your husband mentions that they need to make motel reservations and let them rent a car.  No sense in being in a position which they can treat you badly.  If they want to see your husband and children, let them meet in a restaurant and let them pay for the meal, hubby can pay for your children and him.  I would stay away from them totally.  You shouldn't have to put up with that from strangers let alone someone in the family!

It surprises me how many people don't get along with their mother in laws or mothers for that matter.  My kids gave me trouble through the teen years but now they are all grown up and realize how I was looking out for them. 

 

Sounds like you and some others on here have mother in laws that are bullies.  If they are, the only way to stop a bully is to stand up for yourself with them.  Stand tall, say your piece and don't let her turn it around on you.  Hubby should stand up for you also. 

 

My mother in law told my mother once when I was pregnant with my third child that she didn't think we had any business having another child with a marriage in the shape of ours.  This shocked me cuz I thought we had a good marriage.  I went to her and asked her about it and it turned out that my oldest son who was 5 at the time would say things like "are you always mad at grandpa like my mom is my dad?"  and "my dad doesn't love my mom".  I was stunned and didn't know where he got that idea until one day I was picking up the livingroom and caught myself saying "your dad makes me so mad, he never picks up his hats!"  then later I would tease my husband saying "if you loved me you would do dishes"  of course he wouldn't do dishes, I knew he wouldn't, but my oldest hearing this thought I really was mad at daddy and that daddy didn't love me because he didn't do the dishes. 

 

For some reason your mother in law feels she has the right to treat her son's wife badly.  Stand up to her and tell her you will not be around her, nor your children, if she doesn't start treating you with respect.  Tell her that you cannot trust her causing your children heartaches with the horrible things she says about you  or have your husband tell her this.  Have him point out how much it hurts him that she treats his wife like that.  If she doesn't change, stay away from her, no reason to be around someone who treats you like that.

It sounds like you are sick of all of this drama; isn’t it time for those “consequences” that your in-laws will release upon you? I think that it is. Believe me, ANYTHING that you do that does not go along with them 100% is going to bring consequences anyway; so why not get it all out there? I urge you to gather up your strength and do this for your well-being and peace of mind.
As for them being at your home; I can’t imagine the torture that this is for you! Could they stay somewhere else, or would they have to stay at a hotel? If your husband is on board with you, then BOTH of you need to tell them that they can’t stay there. Your husband has another choice; he could speak up and simply ask them to be respectful to his wife while they are under his roof. Of course, that might make them leave- but I’d rather have them leave then continue to be rude. It really isn’t too much to ask that they be respectful towards you while they are in your home! It is such a basic human request. It is very sad that you’ve tolerated this for 21 years; what would be even sadder is if you tolerated it for even one more year. Again, “toxic in-laws” by Susan Forward is excellent. It is full of ‘relatable’ stories/examples of real life examples of situations and how to handle them differently. I began applying advice from that book to my relationship with my in-laws, little by little, and it has made a huge difference. My husband thought that he would be disowned, but instead he has a more grown up relationship with his family. (with the exception of his older sister; his relationship has always been rocky with her, similar to your sister in law; she will never be pleased unless her brother is single and unhappy like she is. We have no communication with her at all; we used to bother to try, but now we don’t and life is better!)
Can you imagine having this go on for the rest of your life?