Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

I see your point about "special" grandchildren.  I agree that if grandparents spend more time, they're obviously going to be more familiar, comfortable, etc.  Also I think a lot of mothers feel more comfortable w/ their daughters' children.  

But, my MIL is actually the one who pointed out the favortism when, after Sally was born, she told me "your kids are cute, but Sally is really special."  And "You don't need to bring your kids to visit, I have all I need right here [referring to Sally]".   And she's repeatedly said she was glad she finally has a "real" grandchild (she has said this in front of my kids).  She has also in front of my kids said that Sally was smarter than them because she's a girl.  She also removed our kids' pictures from her house  All of these comments were out of the blue, it's not like I was sitting around comparing the kids w/ her.  And, yes, she is helping to raise her daughters' kids, but no reason to throw your other grandkids away like they're trash!!!! 

I know it's hard to fathom, because it is unbelievable that a grandmother could be so insensitive to say the least, mean to say the worst, apparently out of the blue.  (before this I had never had a problem w/ my MIL  we talked on phone alot, I thought she loved our kids, heck for 6 yrs before having kids no problems w/ her)  Looking back there were signs (she was kinda pushy but never mean-spirited about it, just her nature), but I was naive about what my MIL was capable of, although her own kids had talked about how mean she was if you got on her bad side, so to speak.    But if the person refuses to acknowledge that there's any problem, how can you work toward a solution??  Obviously, they don't want a solution, they just want the problem.   Shoot, another tangent.....

You make a good and valid point but I wanted to speak up for all the DILs out there (I'm one of them)  that have been put in a bad spot where they have to choose between keeping those family ties going and deciding what they can expose their own young children to (also, I no longer wish to hear how much more she prefers Sally over my kids, she can find a new audience for that.)

 

 

I've found all Susan Forward's books easy and enjoyable to read as well as informative. 

 

Back to your situation.  I wouldn't worry about leaving the in-laws alone with your kids.  At 20, 15 and 12 their loyalty to you will withstand a few negative remarks from Granny for at lease a week or so.  They are also old enough and knowledgeable enough to see the underlying unpleasantness in a series of nasty remarks about someone who isn't present - no passing it off as teasing and not meant to be taken that way.  

 

Assuming trashing the house means leaving washing up, not making the beds and scattering objects around why not pay a cleaning agency for a one off visit after they've gone or insist the children and your husband put the house back to the way you left it?  

 

As for speaking your mind to quote Dr Phil "Peace at any price is no peace at all."  If you do speak your mind the relationship will change and very possibly not for the better.  If you don't speak your mind the relationship will continue with you stressed for weeks prior to a visit and in tears seeking sanctuary from your friends during a visit. 

 

My relationship with my FIL is far from brilliant (MIL died in 2000) but it has survived me speaking my mind about my BIL and his wife and effectively throwing him out of my house when I felt he sided with them.  It survived because in essence we are both reasonable people who want to get along.  In contrast my relationship with my BIL and his wife hasn't survived my plain speaking, but then she married with no intention of making much effort to get along with her husband's extended family and he likes a quiet life so will support anything she says and does that upsets others.    

 

If you do take the plain speaking route it will cause rows with your husband while you work out the consequences with his family and find a compromise that you both can accept.  What would be worse for you - putting up with the situation as it is or knowingly taking actions that will upset your husband and cause arguments?

 Hi,

 

After much thought, I decided not to go. I have been through this up-and-down relationship enough over the last 12 years, and realized this was just another attempt to reel me back in by being nice. It's a shame when someone being nice is the rarity instead of the norm. I had made up my mind a year ago this month to have as little contact with her as possible. I have been doing real well with this and distanced myself emotionally from her. I'm sure she senses the change, thus "being nice" was the next step for her. I have fallen for it time and time again, and then would be mad at myself for doing so, because I knew what the outcome would be. So, this time I stuck to my "program" . Needless to say, my DH was upset with me, which I knew he would be. I didn't give him any explanation. I thought that if I was going to the cook out or any other family function with him to support him and be by his side, then he can show me some support by taking up for our marriage. It's bad enough when you have to deal with these kind of in-laws, but DH not standing up for his wife makes it worse. I feel like I deal with this by myself. Which I have learned to do, only they don't like it, because they can't control me. I really wish that it could be different, but it will never change because she won't ever change. It took me a good while to realize that.

 

Hope everything is going well for you. Thanks.

Well, I know there's some stress even w/ making the decision not to go...but you made that decision thoughtfully.  At this point, there's stress w/ that side of the family no matter what, right? 

My husband is not unduly attached to his mother (I read in another post you said your husband talks to his mom several times a day, etc).   However, he still has not / will not stand up to her.  His reasoning is, she won't change her behavior and it will just get the entire family up in arms.  He's right, really, but it sure does leave the wife in a lonely, lonely spot dealing w/ them, huh?  To my husband's credit, he hardly sees his parents anymore and no longer pressures me to visit.  And last time we visited he stayed right by my side the whole time.

And I'm sure it goes against your nature to keep your guard up w/ someone who's apparently being nice..but after a while, you learn from being burned so many times.  Actually, after a while you'd be a sucker to keep setting yourself up as a punching bag.

You're right, you gotta deal w/ reality, even when it sucks!  The sad reality is, your (and my) MIL want to be estranged from us.  My MIL made it clear to me she doesn't want me & my kids around anymore (although she won't admit to anyone else she's said this).  Very hurtful without any explanation nor chance to make things right, but it's reality.  If only they would just cut the cord completely, it would be so much easier, but that's not their purpose now is it!?  LOL

 

 

Hi doridoridori,

 

Hope things are going well for you. I haven't seen a post from you in awhile. I hope that means that things are going the way you want them to. Please write soon and let me know how you are.

 

Take care.

My mother-in-law is driving me insane!!!! My husband is one of four boys and his mother can not let go of her sons, she still thinks that they should jump everytime she calls even though three out of four boys are married and the other is engaged to be married. If her boys don't jump she pulls the woe is me cry, you would think Ok she needs help but her husband is still alive and well living in the same house as her!!!!  I feel like she tries to pit the wives against each other and is stuck in the 1960's where women were the sole caregivers of children and house hold duties, she feels because her sons are talented in other ways they should not have to cook, clean or help car for the kids(she has said these exact words). She has siad "I would have never asked my husband to drive the kids anywhere" when I expalined that this was 2008 and bothe men and women work and need to split the household duties and child care she said that her sons work so hard they need a break, I teach high school special ed and need a break too. Luckily my husband does not have the same views as his mother but the constant nagging about her son having to cook or do laundry is starting to get to me. She keeps asking when my husband and I are going to have kids I can't imagine having a child around her especially when she is asked to watch her other grand kids she complains.  We only live 10 minutes from my in-laws and its way too close, she has no boundries and will stop by at anytime, walk in without knocking, more than once she has walked in while my husband and I were in the middle of having sex(AAAAAAHHHHHHH). At this point I can't even talk to her without getting angry. Does anyone else have a mother-in-law like this and if so how do you cope.

My MIL and SIL'shave had our ups and downs and I am just over it.....I need to vent.

My SIL slept with my husbands best friend and my friends partner while staying the weekend at their house. For that reason, his best friend wasnt at our wedding, because we had to invite the stupid sister. She has also stolen money from me, started a huge argument because there were no photos of her in my house.... then in the same sentence wanted to know why i didnt want to go to coffee with her!!! She repeatedly tells people that "I stole my husband off her". She came dressed like  a hooker to our wedding (dress cut down to her bellybutton), apparenly paid $400 for it and didnt even give us a gift.  She decided to invite an ex boyfriend (after seating plans were done) who spewed all through the toilets!!!!!!Now the OTHER SIL who lives 1000km away. She is just a sour cow. ewwww she is grose. She didnt congratulate us at the wedding,the only thing she said was "My family are having photos outside......your invited" with the most sour look on her face. I am constantly hearing that I am not right for my husband, meanwhile the man my MIL married used to sleep with hookers and came into the relationship with nothing. We have leant them thousands of dollars before because they didnt pay their rent for 2 months. This is the crap i get in return. I have done nothing to these deadbeats and it just goes to show that everyone is different,,,,,especially them!!!

Where do I begin? My story is painful, well to me anyway. My son of 32 has taken up with an 18yr old girl. Their relationship started when he broke up with his then fiancee who had a myriad of problems, drug abuse, depression, paranoia, a 3yr old child (not his) whom he basically brought up. After standing by her all that time (2+ yrs), he was mentally and physically exhaused. He came home. About 2 weeks later, he met his current girlfriend. Their first date, New years eve, she got drunk, collapsed in a drunken heap. Consequently, she couldn't get up to go to work next day, didn't ph, wouldn't let him ph, lost her  job. No money. He brought her home to stay with us. I welcomed her into my home with my sick husband who has Alzheimers. 2 months later, my husband then went into a rest home in another city to be closer to his kids and grandkids. My son and his girlfriend never paid me any rent or food money. I paid his back rent $700. (In the past I've paid out thousands to get him out the s***). They then decided to collect her dog from another city. I'm not a dog person. Could I help them (money for fares etc). I'm kind, but now know I'm weak. The girlfriend had to find another job, got one in another city. My son decided to follow her, got a job,  and wanted me to come too, so I wouldn't be alone. What a good son and future DIL! I paid for all the removing to another city, the rent, bond, etc close to $3000 as they had nothing and no money. All was sweetness and light but at times, some friction between her and me. Nice rented house. Next chapter. Her friend (also 18 yrs) she had once worked with was living (a week only) with a familiy where the man was supposedly a paedafile. Son and DIL asked if she could stay with us until she found a flat. Ok, would be for a short time, we would cope. Ha! ha! She paid no rent, didnt lift a finger, then brought her boyfriend to stay. He brought his dog. Then they brought their own bed! He had no job. I saw red! In the meantime, my poor cats were stressed out to the max. Through all this, I've been going through bankrupcy, my husband moving to a rest home. The Dr has put me on a sickness benefit with stress, depression and burnout. At 60 yrs of age, no job, not much hope of getting one. I'm at my wits end. The other couple and dog have finally gone after a month. Not on good terms with me. They never opened their windows or door during their stay and the ceiling is covered with mould. (its winter). My bedroom is so cold there is ice on the windows every morning. My son and his girlfriend say they can't afford to buy wood, so we rely on my gas heater, which I can't afford to buy gas for so they do. I thought we were making a home in this new city, but my son says its a 'flatting' situation, where we all pay a third of everything. The girlfriend is always swearing, the F word, the C word. All the time. Her language is littered with it. I don't like it, but have to put up with it. She has no respect for me as an older person. I have nowhere else to go. My son is waiting to hear from 2 jobs, one with a house, and I believe they want to take that one and want to be on their own. My son said, well, you have the bond from this place, you can use that on a nice place for you. At first, I was doing all the cooking, cleaning etc.An unpaid housekeeper. When I said I wasn't doing that anymore (when the others were here) the girlfriend said, well, you're home all day. I F****** go to work and shouldn't have to use my days off to do it! She often says the house is a pigsty, but it's their mess, their dog. I'm not good at conflict. Never know what to say. I'm sad my son has taken up with such a loud mouthed  girl. I see no future for him. He is besotted with her and she rules the roost. At 18! We don't talk now. I can't. I stay in my room as much as I can. I cry a lot. My son says, Mum, you have to get a life. Do something. I can't. I feel helpless, useless and so alone. I know no-one here. I Can't afford counselling. And I'm frightend of getting sick. I hope someone can help with advice for me. I would be very grateful.

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years now. We have a one year old  little girl and another baby on the way in Dec. My husband is a US marine and those of you who are a military spouse or are in the military know we don't get paid a whole lot!! So somtimes its very difficult to keep your head above water! Well my husbandand I were doing really bad for the first year and a half of our marraige.(financially) Then my husband re-enlisted and got a pretty generous amount of re-enlistment money! This got us completely out of debt and we were able to buy the nice TV and car and go on the vacations we wanted to. We FINALLY had a sense of financial security. Well that was until recently!! His mother called and asked him for money! Sh knows we were trying to buy a house and that what money we had was going towards our new home. She also  knew that we are expecting our 2nd child. My husband and I are 21 and 23!! His mom is not elderly she is just now turning 40 yrs old!! She is fully capable of working and yet....... she runs to her son the second things are "hard" for her!! This woman has had problems with drugs, she has not been there for ME when I begged her for her help!! But still I am nice to her and act like nothing is wrong for my husbands sake!! Now she called and asked for this  money claiming that shehad rent due and no food in the house and that she ws gonna be kicked out of her place and this and that!! so naturally we feel bad and even though we don't have the  money my husband feels obligated to help!! About a week ago Im talking to her on the phone and she tells me that right after we sent her that money her new Boyfriend asked her to move into a house with him that was owned by family and no rent was needed!! Now I am really upset because that means she didn't need that money for what she said she needed it for!! She even said that she was scared to tell my husband about this!! I ahvn't said a word because I don't want to be set up by  her!! Shes done it in the past!! I dont want to be the bad guy in any of this! I know Im not but I  know thats what she'll make me look like  if I  tell him!! 

 

Then yesterday he gets a call and now its his father asking for 1200$. I didn't know what to say to  my husband! His father has been very generous throughout our marraige and we appreciated  that but Im beginning to feel like it's just a way to make us feel guilty  whenever he needs moneybecause he doesn't have a job! his story is that he needs the money because he hasn't gotten the job confirmation yet on a construction site and gave too much money to his parents my husbands grand parents because they are elderly and need  the money!! I understand helping your family is important when you can but WE CAN'T!!!! We have a small child and another on the way and I am just so sad about all of this because I know that my husband is just torn and he feels responsible for his parents and he feels guilty!! I can't be happy at all because I know if I say somthing Im  screwed if I don't then I just keep feeling like this!!So basically damned if I do and damned if I don't!! I just cry and cry and cry because I am so stressed from being pregnant and from being used by my in-laws and from knowing that there is nothing I can do for my husband on this issue!!!

 

I just wish his parents would understand that we are the childen and we have our own family that we need to take care of!! That they are not immediate family anymore. That they don't come first anymore!! I know this,my family gets that, why can't his family?? I'm just sad andhave no one to talk to!! I'm also back to worrying about how much I spend at the grocery store!! Because people keep asking for handouts and because we have have just enough money saved for an emergency and just enough money to scrape by every month!! I don't know maybe I am crazy for feeling this way but I came from a family that doesn't do this  kind of stuff!! I know that my parents would NEVER ask me for money because they know that we don't have it!! They would ask me to watch my siblings or get on a plane for a family emergency. They know that Im here to talk and listen to them but they would never put this kind of stress on me like his family has done to him!!

 

There have been several times that his mom has said mean or nasty things to me that hurt in times when I was reaching out for help because I thought that she was the only  other person who could really reach my husband. Just to find out that everything I would say she would twist and turn around when she talked to my husband!! But when I would confront her  on the issues she would deny them!! 

 

I am just at a loss Im stuck and I have no one to turn to! I want things to be different!! I want to want to visit his family for the holidays!! I wanted to be excited about them visiting us  or us visiting them!! I just don't know how to anymore!! It feels like things are just hopeless for that kind of a relationship with them!! More his mother than anyone else!!   

MY MIL was talking about me to my husbands family basically about how she can't stand me. My husband and I had heard from his family different bits and pieces but carried on having a breakfast to get the family together. At the breakfast my MIL didn't say hi to me and didn't talked to me. She was rude and upon leaving walked right by me. My husband went outside to see what was wrong and she said all these things (like I changed him, I didnt look at her the right way etc) and how she was so upset and sped off. So my husband and I drive up to see her and confront her and she tells us that she is hurting and that she "wanted to hurt me" right in front of my husband. when I asked what I did to her - she couldn't come up with anything other than things lilke - you didn't say hi to me like you did everyone else etc - stuff that is completly made up. She completly direspected me and my husband said how it was wrong and should of never occurred. To makes matters worse my husbands whole family was aware my MIL wanted a fight basically at the breakfest. My MIL talked about things that occurred in our house when she visited  on there way up to NJ which is where they stay at my brother in laws house for 6 mths. These were private mattersand told the rest of my husbands family. I do not trust her and she told me that if we had not come to see her she would of never talked to me again. The only reason I made the effort is becuase of my husband and becuase I want her to have a relationship with her grandchildren. We live four states away but this past summer I decided to stay at my parents beach house which is 30 minutes from them. They will not come to see the kids and complain they have no relationship with our kids....but won't drive to see them except when its convient for them to stop on their way up. They want us to go to them and she blames me for not driving the kids to see them when its very hard with my two kids to transport them (they are 3 and 1) and much easier for them to stop by. Anyway, i was crying and kept on asking her what did I ever do to her and she said "lets just forget the whole thing" and just like that wants it to be over. No sorry or anything - worse part is my husband says - thats just the way she is and to move past it. I wouldn't talk to her again becuase she has said so many things which she has no business in....but now in addition to talking to her I have to make believe it didn't happen. My husband I didn't go to a family party of his becuase I would of be left with the kids and it was only his family which don't like me. So we didn't go. Now my sister in law is having a party for my MIL and wasnts to know ASAP if we'll go. I don't trust any of them especially if my husband is not there.  So if my husabnd gets off I will go with the kids - but if not I don't feel comfortsblr because of what she pulled. I need advice on how to deal with her.