Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

I've never felt so strongly or passionate about a talk show to actually write and complain.  Unfortunately, today's show was a disaster and I felt so sorry for the poor mother-in-law.  Up until today, I really admired Dr. Phil and trusted his judgement...Dr. Phil what happened!  How could you possibly comdemn that poor mother-in-law when it was so ovious she was only being a mother!  And how could you be so mislead by the daughter-in-law when it was so ovious she was setting up her mother-in-law.  Had my son and daughter in law charged trips to Cancun or any other place on my charge card without my permission, I would have them both arrested.  Your final mistake was helping the free loading son by offtering to assist him with finding a job that he probably doesn't really want.  He only wants to free-load off Mom and blame all his problems on her.

Afraid I've got to half agree with jed9999.  If what the monster in law was saying was true, she was upset about a hell of a lot more than just the money.  If I understood her correctly, she was claiming that her son both embezzled funds from her business and used her credit card without her knowledge or permission to finance multiple trips to Cancun, along with God knows what else.  In this (admittedly limited) sense, her obsession with finances wasn't just financial--it was evidence of a serious defect in Pierre's character that resulted in criminal activity.  When you combine that with the fact that his only apparent response to a need for radical change in his life was a phony smile and a lot of rationalization and nervous laughter, and that his mother obviously coddled him in many regards (especially the financial), it becomes apparent that Pierre, and not mommy dearest was the core of the problem.  How the hell did you miss that?

 

Seen in this light, mommy dearest's repeated attacks upon and general animosity towards the women in her son's life makes sense.  He is doing the sorts of things that only a very bad (or, at least, very weak) person would do, and yet he's still "mommy's golden boy."  She needs to blame his behavior on someone, and cannot reconcile it with the idol he's become in her mind, so of course she blames it on the "other woman" who obviously steals his affections and warps his soul.

 

Further, given that golden boy Pierre has some serious character defects, any employer who might be persuaded to hire him is taking a huge risk, and you too may be taking a risk by using your influence to help him into that world.  Other than that, loved the show.

Fiona,

I'm writing to give you a different perspective and support you 100%.  My parents are the most controlling people under the sun.  They use money to create a world of entitlement for my brothers and me.  They criticize our spouses behind their backs and every family event is a "command performance".  I had no idea how sick and twisted my family was (we look so happy and content on the outside, per my mom's insistance) until I got engaged in 2005.  I was the first of my siblings to get engaged, and my mom literally told us how our wedding was going to be, what we were supposed to do, and she didn't care what we had to say about it (she would say "my wedding was my mother's and your wedding is mine").  At the time I was 27 and he was 34.  Things got so bad that they insulted my husband to his face, making fun of the fact that he wanted a small ceremony ("if he really loved you, he wouldn't have a problem saying his vows in front of hundreds of people") and demanding that one of his relatives host a party on the wedding weekend since "their friends had already done so much".    We didn't have a ton of money, but we weren't poor, and I knew I had to stand up for him or we were through.   After 2 months of crying and screaming on the phone with her, I canceled the wedding about 6 months out and we booked a catamaran in St Thomas instead.  We paid for most of it ourselves and in the end my father did pick up a portion of the bill (and to this day he thinks he paid for everything). 

 

Since that day, I have had to realize that my parents (who live 1 hr away) were not a healthy part of our lives and we had to keep our distance.   That means not allowing them to pay for ANYTHING.  It has always been their sick way of controlling my brothers and me, and I had to make an individual decision for it to stop.  My brothers still "drink the kool-aid" as we say in my house, meaning they take money, gifts, expensive trips from my parents in return for showing up whereever they are supposed to be and doing what they are told.  Sadly, they are 31 and 26, far too old to be doing this.  They are both newlyweds and it is just starting to effect their relationships, whereas my husband and I are on nearly 3 yrs of this. 

 

Unfortunately, there is anther issue that fuels the fire in my family and that is my mother's alcohol abuse.  She has been a functional alcoholic my entire life, and now my younger brother lives the same life.  Just this week, my husband and I have had to make a decision to cut my family out of our lives because they create problems with us to distract from my brother's drunk driving accidents or my mom's arguements with people when she's been "over-served".   I have been the surrogate mother in my family since I can remember because my mother has the maturity level of an 18 yr old, and the family will freak out when they realize that this most recent incident (I'll spare you the details) where she has gone after my husband - who had nothing to do with a situation - is the last straw and we are disconnecting contact with them until she decides to be sober, which may never happen. 

 

My best advice to anyone reading this that experiences anything like this is to find a therapist -- and by this I mean a REAL doctor, these types of situations are too advanced for a counselor, I've tried -- and let that person be your beacon to navigate the nearly -impossible task of breaking ties to save your marraige.  I may sound strong in this email - or I may not :) - but what I'm going through is SO HARD and I would give anything for a magic wand to change the situation but I know that my doctor is the best "magic wand" I've got to create positive change. 

 

To close, my favorite saying that my doctor says to me is "the truth is liberating" and it is so true.  Stop playing games with your twisted in-laws and demand that your spouse recognize what is going on and put your first.  And get a doctor to work with you, it will change everything for the better. 

 

Katie

It must be so painful to see your daughter go through this! As a mother, the knowledge that someone who claims to love your daughter is actually hurting her makes the “mother bear” come out, and of course, you want to protect her. (And your precious, innocent grandchild.)
My advice to you is to be supportive but be careful with the words that you use with your daughter. My advice comes from personal experience; I was in an abusive relationship, my mother knew it, she saw with her own eyes and heard the things that were said/done. My mom was supportive of me, but at the same time, she said really ‘mean’ things about my husband and it actually made me feel sorry for him. Unbelievable, I know. When she said negative things, I would think of the positives; because the negative where so obvious, it made me reach into my memory and create positive things anywhere that I could possibly try. Looking back on it all now, I realize that I probably even made up most of those positive things that I said about him, because I became so defensive of him. I know that my reaction was very disappointing to my mother, and it made her become even more aggressive in her campaign to ‘save’ me. She began to do the best thing possible; she backed off; she allowed me to come to her, allowed me to just vent as she listened without saying a word, (before that she would take over for me when I was complaining!) and she would say, over and over, ‘I love you honey, please come home, I want the best for you. You deserve to be happy and healthy..” I always knew I could call, I knew that she would be there with open arms without judgment towards me. The judgment was what I feared the most, I did not want my mother saying something like, “how stupid can you be? Of course he is cheating on you! Duh! …” Although my mother never said anything like that, I feared that she would, mainly because those were things that I said to myself.
I know that it is difficult to stand by helplessly, but as long as you continue to support her with positive words of encouragement, you are doing the best thing you can do. I wish you and your family the best.

Febuary 14th 1995 the death of a Very loved Father in staten island ny.

There was a Mother {vicky} the youngest son Nick {NYPD} and his wife Geri and there 2 sons living with our parents .Never living any where else since ther marrige at 18 years old due to a baby on the way.Another brother {Frank} keyspan gas cpmpany in ny with wife Joe ann who lived down the block renting an apartment with 2 little girls..My sister Roseann with her husband and 2 kids who also lived down the block.They owned ther home.her husband Billy worked for DOT Of NY.My self a daughter Theresa with Husband and 2 children lived in Florida,husband John was in USAF.Another Brother Joseph with wife and 2 boys {wife Sue} he was retired from Bayside fuel oil,they lived in Long island they owned ther home.To get started with this i want to tell you that Nic was the only biological son of My Dad and Mom .The other 4 were from another father who we donot know or care about.We were with him longer then our baby brother NIC.so we all grew up together.we were a very very close family.we celebrated every holiday ,birthday ,anniverseries,in a family this large it was evry month something.also every sunday we would get together for the Italian Macaroni dinner.Although i lived in florida we came up to ny every chance we had .At least 6x a year for 3 years and then when my Dad died we moved back to NYC and my husband got out of the service after 16 years and then went back in .why you asked?Because we were all besides our self we wanted to be there for our Mother,My mother took my Dads death very Bad.My brother who still lived at home was going to need finacial help now .my Dad had no insurance on there home  ,They paid for 13 years all alone .No one paid rent .if i stood there i gave 100 a week for food ,Well now Frank was asked to moved in to the basement and help with the bills .he gave 600 a month and his tax check.Nic lived on the first floor .this was a 2 family house .Nic moved upstairs with mom and rented the first floor out for 900.-1200- a month.Now the morgage was 2000.00 a month so we have lets say 1600.00 of it a least covered. all nic had to come up with was 400.00-500.00 a month .plus gas ,electric cable food .all pre existing bills from Dad my mom paid with his retirement and the VA Loan she took out .I had to come in to take her to SS office to get her an income.we did it .Now Roseann and I and my brothers helped out . My brother Joseph was not in the picture yet we hardly ever seen him.But now he wants to help Mom .He does.he has a heart of gold but really no money. we all decide to ask my grandparents to moved in and give my mom and brother Nic 100,000.00 dollars so that they can catch up on the morgaged and other bills.they move in and  Now the problems happen and all hell breaks loose in my family.my mom needs emergency heart surgery and my sweet sister is in a very bad car accident all this in 2 months 12/2000.My mom gets better but my sister is in a coma and has a broken neck.for 1 year we didnt know if she would lived or die .her husband billy becomes a drunk and drug addict losses his income and i take the hit with this familyi dont leave herside and my mom tends to the children .after 2 years my family starts feeling it and the money is  crazy. i pay for all her needs in the hosiptal .My sisters mother in law pays for the home {so she though}Her son was using it for drugs  9/12/05 my brother in law kills himself he hangs him self in the same home as his children and his sick wife with sever brain injury wereThe other brother Joseph decides he will copy this why did they both do this because my Brothers NIC AND FRANK AND THERE WIVES STOPPED TALKING TO THEM and they were beside them selves i.My brothers NIC AND FRANK and there wives take a back seat.they start with they want to sell the house .My mom cant she just took all her parents money and they are getting to old to live alone .my brothers NIC and HIS WIFE GERI and frank dont care they want them out and my mom to move with them into there home it will be under there name only . my mom says no way she is not selling . My Brother NIC steaks the home from her claiming her insane with a friend who was a Judge in nyc..I am the one who gets My sister and the kids SS and my mom turns on me and tells one brother i was going to take roseanns checks . WOW . The brothers throw me out of the family and belive me i didnt need my sisters money and i love my sister and my mom is a very sick in the head woman, her sons just needed an excuse to get me out of the picture so they can take her home from her and they did.they go to court and guess what he NIC has to pay only my grandparents back what they gave he gets the house him and his wife and they kick my mom and grandparents out the week of Christmas.They stole the house and put it up for sale they made over 500.000.00 on it not a penny to my mom . weel to end this forever battle my mom moves to nj so does frank so does nic they do not speak to my mom the bitches of sister in laws dont want to bother with her and i forgot they disowned me too and my family , they disowned my sister and her kids too . now DR Phill what do you think is going on here . by the way the brother Frank is a liar and truble maker who repeats things and NIC is a pathlogial lLIARvery bad . Frank has decived his in lawas with his age and his family history and his other marriges and NIC has always cheated on his wife please e mail me what you think   liveranit@aol.com

WOW sounds like my brother .we all have one of these in the family and belive me .They do tear the family apart and enjoy it. that person gets to talk about the other because they dont speak to each other WATCH OUT FOR HIM

do not talk about anything you dont want repeated and put on a show when they are around

Hi everyone I was recently married to my wonderful husband and all of a sudden his mom grew talons.  The first argument we had about our wedding was because he has a brother who lives with his parents along with his child and our wedding was child free mainly because we partied a lot and it just wasn't a child friendly place. When we asked his mom not to bring the baby to the wedding she said that she was going to because "she's an important member of the family so she should be at the wedding." How much will a 3 year old remember of a wedding. Anyway when she said that we told her that since the child acts out badly we really didn't want her at the wedding. I mean if we're going to make an exception and allow her to come we'd at least expect her to be well-behaved and this child is not. So we argued about it for days and she threatened to not come to the wedding at all, etc. And when we started talking to other people in the family about the situation she got angry saying that we never told her there would be no other children and she thought we were trying to exclude the baby and that's the only reason she said she was going to either bring her without our permission or just not show. So that was resolved and she arranged with the baby's mother to have her for the weekend.

The second fight revolving around our wedding happened the Tuesday before our Saturday wedding. She called asking if we had invited his great-uncle, her mom's brother and I said no. To control the cost of our wedding we only invited parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins to the ceremony because we had a sit-down dinner immediately following the ceremony that we were paying for per head but we invited anyone and everyone to come to the reception following. She asked if she could invite him and I flat out said "No, I'm sorry but we've already paid for everything and we don't want to add anyone else to the guestlist, but you can tell him to come to the reception." And I explained to her about the costs. Well the next day she calls and tells my husband that she invited him anyway and I was so angry. It wasn't about inviting one person but my grandmother and grandfather have living siblings with spouses that amount to an additional 20 people that  we would need have to invite and it would be totally unfair to invite his great-uncle and ignore mine. Mainly because I visit with my great-aunts and uncles often and he doesn't even speak to this great-uncle that his mom invited. His mother told me that I was being a selfish control freak by not wanting him at the wedding and she never heard me say directly not to invite him. She also told me not to tell my family that his great uncle was there and not to invite my great-aunts and uncles if we didn't want to spend the money. Which I thought was completely unfair because what makes his family any more important than mine. So eventually it turned into a giant blowout and she didn't speak to me at the wedding even though his dad did. When I hugged his dad he said congrats and hugged me back when I tried to give his mom a hug she twisted away from me.

I think family is really important and one day we'll have kids and I want them to know their grandparents. When I met my husband I thought it was so strange that he doesn't speak to his family. Within two weeks of meeting him he wanted to spend all his time at my grandparents house whom I lived with at the time. He crashed on their living room couch almost everynight and slowly all of his clothes ended up in my closet and then his tv... and then his video games... and I never really understood why he never wanted to go home to his parents house. So I made him start visitng them every Sunday and I had to drag him by his hair. I work nights one Sunday a month and when I'm at work he doesn't visit. Since the wedding we haven't visited and neither of us have spoken to his mother, but we have spoken to other members of his family. I just want to know if I should still try to bridge the gap between my husband and his family or since he has no interest to should I just let it be. Because we visit with my family all the time and they treat him like any other person in the family so we're not lacking in family love, but I don't want to look back one day and realize that we've complete lost touch with his family. Any advice?

Oh, I am way past caring what this person says or whatever. Everything is 180 degrees from the truth. Problem is I care about my parents and there is nothing much to do about the outrageous behavior and its effect on them, except comfort them in the face of it all. It's all so stupid. All over NOTHING, but this person's jealousy and paranoia.
Thanks for the reply. I hope Dr. Phil will do some show on it someday, though. I do not think these people can be helped and it really is best to just get away from them if you can. It would be interesting to see what his advice would be for dealing with people with NPD.