Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

My fiancee and I have been engaged for a year. We have set a wedding date in September of 2010 which makes our engagement approximately 3 years in length. It's not that we wanted a longer engagement it's just that at the moment it is more practical for us. He just graduated from college and I have graduated from a 4 year university program and have one more year left. We planned the wedding so that we could both finish school and allow ourselves time to work and save up money and are both 100% happy with they way things have progressed. However, my father-in-law is completely unsupportive. Everytime talk of our wedding comes up he makes some sort of snide remark about how he's not invited or how marriage is for "idiots." My fiancees parents were never formally married, but have been together for over 25 years. At a recent family memebers wedding, my father-in-law complained through the entire ceremony about how long it was; how ridiculous it was; how the minister was terrible; how the dj needed to learn how to play music; how there were other things he could be doing and so on. At one point he left myself, my fiancee, my mother-in-law and my youngest sister-in-law at the reception hall with his parents and sibblings and went home to have a nap and make some phone calls. It was HIS nephew getting married. He also constantly brings up the idea that two years (keeping in mind our wedding is two years from this September) is a long time and alot can happen so we should just forget about getting married and just be happy together the way we are. I realize that is his opinion and that it was a personal choice he and my mother-in-law made. I have never judged them because of it because as far as I'm concerned times have changed and life is all about personal choice. He chose not to get married; his son is chosing to get married; both are respective personal choices. My biggest issue is his negativity towards marriage and I'm sick of him behaving like it's not happening. My biggest concern is that when it comes down to it; he will be entirely negative on my wedding day and I do not think it is fair to myself or his son. He has not been asked to contribute to the wedding because he and my mother-in-law are not in a position to help out financially; all we have asked is that they pay for their clothing and provide us with a guest list of people they would like to be there to celebrate with us. Is it too much to hope he may come around in 2 years time? My fiancee has made it very clear that if he continues on with his behaviour and embarasses either his family or himself there will be consequences and that his negative behaviour is not appreciated. Its embarassing to all of us and in my opinion selfish and uncalled for. Any thoughts??

I agree w/ this advice.  At this point he's rude and annoying but I don't think he's crossed the line into being *really* inappropriate or mean-spirited. 

I also agree it's good to get a handle on this now, as this behavior is likely to become more pronounced as he ages. Just keep the steam out of his sails.  As YOU get older (and your own "maybe I should keep this thought to myself" filter fades, LOL),  maybe you'll be able to come back w/ some real smart zingers on him, which he might actaully get a kick out of (although that runs the risk of him doing it more for the attention).

Things haven't gone well from the beginning - and the culmination was our wedding last Sat. 

Backround: My husband and I got together probably 2.5 years ago.  His cousin is my roommate/best friend in college.  Let the family problems start. 

All seemed somewhat well until we starting planning our wedding.  Him from a huge family, my family tiny.  He had always wanted a big, catholic wedding and I agreed because that would make him happy.  After looking around he asked his parents for help with the wedding because a substantial portion of the guests were his family and friends, and we agreed to have it in their home town - where 95% of his relatives live.  We live in a different state. 

This extremely hurt and upset my mother.  Needless to say, she had renounced the catholic religion 30 years ago and was upset we weren't going to get married in our home town.

We started planning but then things started going wrong.  He understood their gift to be monetary with no strings but instead there were demands about wine, photography, and guests even though the inlaws were paying for less than 1/3 of the cost of the wedding.  When things got to be too much - we said screw it - we'll get married in Vegas and ask our immediate family and friends to come. 

This hurt because I had wanted a wedding where I could invite my friends/work asociates - but because of what was going on - that wasn't going to be feasable.  I had given up location/religion, and now I had to give up the guests I wanted too.

In the mean time - his parents touted to the family that we had wanted a small wedding with no family members there - not true.  This created problems - especially for my "maid of honor" who remember is his cousin. 

We had planned our wedding - despite his parrents very negative reaction and had invited equal number of family members from each side.  His mother, brother and father chose to become abusive to him. 

To make matters worse, my "maid of honor" was getting married 3 weeks after our wedding.  Planning a huge wedding 3 weeks after when our wedding was.  Things were going so badly with their family - I didn't attend her shower becuase I thought things would get worse.  Apparently they were horrible - she was seen as some sort of part of our "wedding fiasco" and felt uncomfortable the whole time. 

A week later she hosted a bridal shower for me with my boss.  Everything went great that night.  Two days later she called me and told me that she would not be coming to the wedding because we were putting her in the middle.  Yes, understnd that this is a copout.  Eitherway...  this meant that her, her fiance, and her parents wouldn't be coming to the wedding.  (Her parents lived close to the new location of the wedding.)

Two days prior to the wedding - my husband was called repeatedly by his father saying that his mother was in bed and needed to talk to him.  Basically she said she was sorry for everything and blah blah blah.  To me - a move because she realized that she had caused her invited family members to come. 

Despite that - they showed up at the wedding.  They were cordial and whatever.  Personally - I didn't think I really needed to talk to people that had caused me so much distress in the last two weeks.  During the middle of the dinner we paid for his mother brought over a gift and forced me to open it.  A weak attempt at saying how excited they were to have a daughter in law.  But no apology. 

At the reception - our family and friends sat on opposite sides of the room.  I talked to my friends and family, him his.  I know he was trying to compensate - but it was extremely hurtful that my new husband didn't talk to me the entire night.

Little did he know what they had written in the card.  Taking deductions for deposits for the wedding (which they stated the wrong amounts) and an expenditure that had happend before we had even met. 

So....  what is the advice?  My husband is so depressed.  I think I would do a better job of understanding if I wasn't so involved in the situtation.  It makes me extremely angry - not just for myself, but for him. 

Oh, for goodness sakes, what is WRONG with people!!!!!!??????  Why do grown, past-middle-aged adults feel the need to make everything about them and ruin others' happy events just to satisfy some sick need for attention and chaos?   I understand that it gives them a sense of control, to keep other people off balance while they stay on balance (see, you're caught off guard by their behavior, but they plan it in advance so they have the upper hand), then it is easier for them to manipulate the situation....the ball becomes in their court.  But it's sick that so many older parents can't get over themselves enough to let the focus be on the happy couple, the new parents, etc....

My best, quickest advice is to be forever proactive around them so they do not succeed at getting you off balance.   Be aware all of the time.  Plan in advance.  Consider the event, situation, and location when you will be around them.  You will soon learn when/where/how they will most likely act up.  In advance, have canned responses ready if something weird happens.  A response that is non-reactive, a get-away plan, exit strategy, etc.  Be VERY careful what you discuss in front of ALL of his family members, do not give them any ammunition or let them know your weaknesses lest they will use it to hurt you later.

Your  MIL and the gift, she pressured you to open it right then...this is classic....superficially it seems like a nice gesture, but she pressures you to open it right then, and she has written something to upset you on the card.  You have your hopes up / guard down (expecting something nice)  and she zings you.  You are off-balance and she feels she has upper-hand because she's not off balance, she's satisfied.  That's why she wanted you to open it right then, so you would get the zing to upset you DURING your big event, not later when it would've been much less satifying to your MIL.  Classic, classic nasty in-law behavior. 

I'm sorry for both you and your husband.  Especially your husband, because it's HIS family doing it and I know he feels powerless to change it.  It actually sounds like you're off to  good start, as you have not been a push-over.  Just accept the reality and limits of situation and act accordingly.  The crap will probably really hit the fan when you have kids.