Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws
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September 1, 2008, 7:16 am PDT
 Wow, where do I start. My inlaws have been nothing but a joke to me. First off they told all of my husbands family that I only married him for his money. Boy I have yet to see that money over 15 years later. The other thing is when me and my husband started to have children we found out that his dad was not his real dad. When we asked his mother refused to tell us who this man was. We only wanted to know for our children's sake as far as family passed diseases and etc. Over 15 years later, she has not told us who it is. My kids, since my children have been born they really have had nothing to do with them. We moved 30 min away from them and they still did not have anything to do so we moved away. His dad had a reallybad stroke so we moved closer and that still did not happen. We thought after his dad passed that it would get better and no. His mother can come up to BJ's which is around the corner from my home but she cannot come and see the kids. The past 3 years they have gotten their Christmas gifts in March or April. What a joke. My husbands aunt and sister have only seen one of my children. The other thing is when my son was born, they made a big deal about him because he had their last name. My husbands aunt sent some things for my son but I sent them back to her. She never acknowledged my 2nd daughter so why try to make a big deal about my son. His mom did the same thing, she made this huge picture book and went all out. She never did it for my daughters. She never calls on their birthdays. Yes she sends them a card but my children think she is dead. They asked me about a year ago if their grandmother had died. I told them no. They wanted to know why she has nothing to do with them. Just upset me. My mother has been awesome and loves and spends time with my children. She wants them every weekend, she just is there for them as well as me and my husband. My husband feels the way that I do. He never really received any kind of affection from his family. He has just now brought down te barriers. My family are very involved and we get together on holidays and birthdays, we hug one another and just show affection. His family never did that. After 15 years together he is getting better but they really messed him up and he says that too. He says the only family he has is my family because his mom his mom really is not here for him. I am not sure what to do about her at all. How do me and my husband tell her we would be better off without her crappy cheap dollar store gifts for the kids? How do we tell her my husband really wants to know who his father is? How do we tell her that we are better off without her in our lives? |
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September 9, 2008, 2:29 pm PDT
I'm going to make this as Short as possible because its almost a year long story.
my boyfriend an i have a 6 month old little girl and i have a 6 year old from a previous marriage. last September, when i was 2 months pregnant my boyfriend and i got in a fight and he went out with a friend. he didn't come home.
at this point his mother and my relationship was OK. she wasn't impressed that i was pregnant but had no problem borrowing money from me, asking me to bring milk for her young twin daughters at midnight and whatever else she needed.
i was worried that my boyfriend didn't come home at first thinking that something had happened to him. he wouldn't answer my text messages or calls in it was 5am. by about 730 i didn't know what to do so i sent his mother a message asking if she had heard from him or if she could help me find him.
we finally tracked him down and he told me he didn't come home because he was mad at me and before he did he was going to his mothers because she was worried about him. i just want to add that this women has never been very nice to him and at the family gatherings i used to go to, she would spend the time making fun of him. when he was 16 he was on house arrest. she kicked him out the day it before it ended then called the police on him. shes his mother though and he loves her.
i told him to go to his mothers and have a coffee then he needed to come home because we needed to talk. i was so upset and had been crying for about 6 hours and i was 2 months pregnant so i was also angry he would put that kind of stress on me intentionally.
two hours later i finally called his phone and i could here his mother in the background telling him to "leave the bitch". when he hung up on me i sent his mother a message just letting her know that i loved her son and she needs to remember that her grandchild is now involved and she should want her to come from a broken home, because i wasn't OK with that. she then replied with "the best thing that could possibly happen is if you were to loose the baby". i was angry and said "problem solved, to you she mine as well be dead because you will never be around her".
Fast forward to march of this year. i spent a few lonely holidays by myself because i wasn't allowed there for dinner and that was perfectly OK with me. i also spent alot of sleepless nights fighting about my lack of relationship with my boyfriends mother because i wasn't willing to apologize. i don't think i needed to. a week before my scheduled c-section, i sucked it up and said that i wouldn't make a scene if she wanted to come to the hospital to see the baby. she did, and we were civil. i then told my boyfriend that i was willing to have his mother involved in our daughters life however in order for me to be comfortable with it, i needed to be there for the first little bit. i mean, she said my daughter would be better off dead. you cant expect me to want to hand her my daughter and not be there to keep an eye out.
a week or so after we brought my daughter home from the hospital, she wanted my boyfriend to bring the baby by. i said no problem, lets go. he called her to tell her we were all on our way and she told him to forget it. i was not allowed in her house or near her daughters. i explained to my boyfriend that thats her decision but I'm our baby's mother and i do not feel comfortable her being there without me there to keep an eye out. i just cant hand my daughter over to someone who hates me so much.
six months later and its still the same. she stopped asking to see the baby because she knows the answer. sure, as long as I'm there. by this time i feel Ive made the right decision. this women hates me so much she cant even be in the same room with me just to see her grandchild. its causing major issues between my boyfriend and i and he thinks i should just suck it up and deal with it and let him take our daughter to his mothers without me. Ive tried to tell him that if she cant get past this and be in the same room with me for her son and granddaughter sake, one day our baby will crawl up on her daddy's lap before they leave for thanksgiving dinner at grandmas and shes gonna ask, "daddy, why cant mommy come?" I'm trying to avoid that question ever being asked. if i give in and hand my child over to someone who hates me that much, shes never going to get over it and be able to be in the same room as me and i will spend alot of holidays watching my child walk out the door with her daddy going to someones house who hates me. i guess my question is, is this a battle over who can be more stubborn or am i doing the right thing. i sick of fighting about this. please any suggestions would be great. |
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September 9, 2008, 4:25 pm PDT
Quote From: dhanki I'm going to make this as Short as possible because its almost a year long story.
my boyfriend an i have a 6 month old little girl and i have a 6 year old from a previous marriage. last September, when i was 2 months pregnant my boyfriend and i got in a fight and he went out with a friend. he didn't come home.
at this point his mother and my relationship was OK. she wasn't impressed that i was pregnant but had no problem borrowing money from me, asking me to bring milk for her young twin daughters at midnight and whatever else she needed.
i was worried that my boyfriend didn't come home at first thinking that something had happened to him. he wouldn't answer my text messages or calls in it was 5am. by about 730 i didn't know what to do so i sent his mother a message asking if she had heard from him or if she could help me find him.
we finally tracked him down and he told me he didn't come home because he was mad at me and before he did he was going to his mothers because she was worried about him. i just want to add that this women has never been very nice to him and at the family gatherings i used to go to, she would spend the time making fun of him. when he was 16 he was on house arrest. she kicked him out the day it before it ended then called the police on him. shes his mother though and he loves her.
i told him to go to his mothers and have a coffee then he needed to come home because we needed to talk. i was so upset and had been crying for about 6 hours and i was 2 months pregnant so i was also angry he would put that kind of stress on me intentionally.
two hours later i finally called his phone and i could here his mother in the background telling him to "leave the bitch". when he hung up on me i sent his mother a message just letting her know that i loved her son and she needs to remember that her grandchild is now involved and she should want her to come from a broken home, because i wasn't OK with that. she then replied with "the best thing that could possibly happen is if you were to loose the baby". i was angry and said "problem solved, to you she mine as well be dead because you will never be around her".
Fast forward to march of this year. i spent a few lonely holidays by myself because i wasn't allowed there for dinner and that was perfectly OK with me. i also spent alot of sleepless nights fighting about my lack of relationship with my boyfriends mother because i wasn't willing to apologize. i don't think i needed to. a week before my scheduled c-section, i sucked it up and said that i wouldn't make a scene if she wanted to come to the hospital to see the baby. she did, and we were civil. i then told my boyfriend that i was willing to have his mother involved in our daughters life however in order for me to be comfortable with it, i needed to be there for the first little bit. i mean, she said my daughter would be better off dead. you cant expect me to want to hand her my daughter and not be there to keep an eye out.
a week or so after we brought my daughter home from the hospital, she wanted my boyfriend to bring the baby by. i said no problem, lets go. he called her to tell her we were all on our way and she told him to forget it. i was not allowed in her house or near her daughters. i explained to my boyfriend that thats her decision but I'm our baby's mother and i do not feel comfortable her being there without me there to keep an eye out. i just cant hand my daughter over to someone who hates me so much.
six months later and its still the same. she stopped asking to see the baby because she knows the answer. sure, as long as I'm there. by this time i feel Ive made the right decision. this women hates me so much she cant even be in the same room with me just to see her grandchild. its causing major issues between my boyfriend and i and he thinks i should just suck it up and deal with it and let him take our daughter to his mothers without me. Ive tried to tell him that if she cant get past this and be in the same room with me for her son and granddaughter sake, one day our baby will crawl up on her daddy's lap before they leave for thanksgiving dinner at grandmas and shes gonna ask, "daddy, why cant mommy come?" I'm trying to avoid that question ever being asked. if i give in and hand my child over to someone who hates me that much, shes never going to get over it and be able to be in the same room as me and i will spend alot of holidays watching my child walk out the door with her daddy going to someones house who hates me. i guess my question is, is this a battle over who can be more stubborn or am i doing the right thing. i sick of fighting about this. please any suggestions would be great. I agree w/ you. My MIL hasn't even said anything that severe, and I would not want my husband to take our children to her house without me. Luckily, he has never asked to, nor would he. He would not let his mother split our family up like that. (And I also would not go somewhere where my husband was not welcome.) It's unfortunate your boyfriend doesn't see it that way. That makes it all the more difficult on you. My best advice is put it out of your mind as best as possible. I know it's sooo stressful and it's hard to have such problems w/ family when you just want to get along. And I also know it often leaves you questioning your own perceptions, because the kids of mothers like this make soooo many excuses for their mistreatment. They're used to it, they had to live w/ it growing up and had to find a way to cope. As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is best predictor of future behavior. Unless you've cursed your MIL out on a past visit & that's why you're no longer welcome there...then I find it odd she would stalemate on this, to me that's a BIG red flag....she wants nothing to do with her grandchild if you're involved in any way??? Yes, that sounds as odd to me as it does to you.
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September 10, 2008, 9:12 am PDT
Not sure where to start, so here it goes...
My husbands family is so toxic that I am ready to tell him that I can no longer have anything to do with them. The problem is that he is so close to them that this will most definately cause issues between us, and I'm really not sure how to approach him with this.
Let me start by saying that we've been married for almost eight years, and the immeshment issues between him, his 29 year old sister (with the maturity of a 12 yr old), and his parents have been prevelant since the beginning. He has worked really hard at establishing better boundaries, but they are so sick that for me, no amount of distance is enough. Up until now, I have beared their presence for his sake.
Both my husband and his father are recovering addicts, and they both attend 12 step meetings twice a week together (which I find odd in itself). His father is an extremely controlling and overbearing person that tries to intimidate and manipulate everyone around him. I am not impressed, nor phased by his persona, thus we have an unspoken understanding in that we do not like each other, but mask it for my husbands sake. His mother is a passive woman that never really stands up for herself, who I really love, but have no respect for. Who allows her daughter and husband to treat her like an evil stepchild. My husbands sister (who is single and has a toddler) is so co dependent on her father that she cannot conduct day to day life without his approval or direction. She has moved in and out of her parents home too many times to even count, and must enlist her father in every aspect. She just recently had a "breakdown", and was admitted to a crisis center under "suicide watch". Supposedly her counselor told her to quit her job because it was too stressful (I don't buy it since she lies about everything). So she just didn't call in so they would fire her in order for her to claim unemployment, before finding a new job, and now has no way to pay her bills or support her child, and will no doubtedly end up moving back in with mommy and daddy. She is so emotionally immature that everywhere she goes she creates drama from nothing, she says inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and I honestly can't even have a conversation with her becuz it's like talking to a mentally challenged person, or to a child. She uses illness to get attention and has also used this tactic with getting attention for her child.
She is now attending the 12 step meetings right along with my husband and father inlaw! I find this oddly strange and, once again, extremely inappropriate.
The problem is that anytime I try to talk to my husband about things, he either gets defensive or abruptly ends the conversation and refuses to talk about it. I understand that it's his family, but if it were mine, I would limit my association, as well as try to spare him from having to endure them.
At this point, I want to tell him that I cannot associate with them at all. But how do I do that and not cause huge issues between us? Am I being to unreasonable here? I feel sick at the thought of even having to spend the day with them....
Any advice would be more than appreciated. Thank you |
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September 10, 2008, 9:24 am PDT
Quote From: anarchya Not sure where to start, so here it goes...
My husbands family is so toxic that I am ready to tell him that I can no longer have anything to do with them. The problem is that he is so close to them that this will most definately cause issues between us, and I'm really not sure how to approach him with this.
Let me start by saying that we've been married for almost eight years, and the immeshment issues between him, his 29 year old sister (with the maturity of a 12 yr old), and his parents have been prevelant since the beginning. He has worked really hard at establishing better boundaries, but they are so sick that for me, no amount of distance is enough. Up until now, I have beared their presence for his sake.
Both my husband and his father are recovering addicts, and they both attend 12 step meetings twice a week together (which I find odd in itself). His father is an extremely controlling and overbearing person that tries to intimidate and manipulate everyone around him. I am not impressed, nor phased by his persona, thus we have an unspoken understanding in that we do not like each other, but mask it for my husbands sake. His mother is a passive woman that never really stands up for herself, who I really love, but have no respect for. Who allows her daughter and husband to treat her like an evil stepchild. My husbands sister (who is single and has a toddler) is so co dependent on her father that she cannot conduct day to day life without his approval or direction. She has moved in and out of her parents home too many times to even count, and must enlist her father in every aspect. She just recently had a "breakdown", and was admitted to a crisis center under "suicide watch". Supposedly her counselor told her to quit her job because it was too stressful (I don't buy it since she lies about everything). So she just didn't call in so they would fire her in order for her to claim unemployment, before finding a new job, and now has no way to pay her bills or support her child, and will no doubtedly end up moving back in with mommy and daddy. She is so emotionally immature that everywhere she goes she creates drama from nothing, she says inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and I honestly can't even have a conversation with her becuz it's like talking to a mentally challenged person, or to a child. She uses illness to get attention and has also used this tactic with getting attention for her child.
She is now attending the 12 step meetings right along with my husband and father inlaw! I find this oddly strange and, once again, extremely inappropriate.
The problem is that anytime I try to talk to my husband about things, he either gets defensive or abruptly ends the conversation and refuses to talk about it. I understand that it's his family, but if it were mine, I would limit my association, as well as try to spare him from having to endure them.
At this point, I want to tell him that I cannot associate with them at all. But how do I do that and not cause huge issues between us? Am I being to unreasonable here? I feel sick at the thought of even having to spend the day with them....
Any advice would be more than appreciated. Thank you At this point have they done anything actually mean-spirited to you, or really inappropriate?? Honestly, from what I've read at this point it sounds more like you're annoyed by their behavior (and maybe rightfully so). But if that's all it is, you find them annoying, but they aren't actually mean to you, roll your eyes, suck it up and spend at least some time around them for the sake of family harmony. Ignore the things you find annoying; don't get involved in or comment on any drama. Smile to yourself about your own drama-free life when they start talking about theirs. I can see your concern about your husband, and his exposure to them and how enmeshment might affect his own coping in recovery, etc. But at this point, it does not sound like his FIL is impeading his recovery (at least they're attending meetings together versus his dad trying to get him to go drinking). Your bigger focus in this might be on how your own husband learned to cope in the world & how that might impact your family, especially children if you have them. Hope this is useful in some way. |
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September 10, 2008, 9:30 am PDT
Quote From: fourlilmonkeys I agree w/ you. My MIL hasn't even said anything that severe, and I would not want my husband to take our children to her house without me. Luckily, he has never asked to, nor would he. He would not let his mother split our family up like that. (And I also would not go somewhere where my husband was not welcome.) It's unfortunate your boyfriend doesn't see it that way. That makes it all the more difficult on you. My best advice is put it out of your mind as best as possible. I know it's sooo stressful and it's hard to have such problems w/ family when you just want to get along. And I also know it often leaves you questioning your own perceptions, because the kids of mothers like this make soooo many excuses for their mistreatment. They're used to it, they had to live w/ it growing up and had to find a way to cope. As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is best predictor of future behavior. Unless you've cursed your MIL out on a past visit & that's why you're no longer welcome there...then I find it odd she would stalemate on this, to me that's a BIG red flag....she wants nothing to do with her grandchild if you're involved in any way??? Yes, that sounds as odd to me as it does to you.
You have made the right decision. And it is your boyfriends responsibilty to set her straight. He needs to be behind you 100%...If not, then trust me from experience, it will be an issue forever between you. If she cannot accept the mother of his child, then it is on her whether or not she can get over her issues with you for the sake of her grandchild. If not, then you are right, that is her decision, and she knows what the consequences of that decision are. I don't agree necessarily with the previous person that responded, in puttin git out of your mind. Ignoring it won't make it go away. You need to address it and resolve it now, or chances are it will only get worse. Take it from someone that has been through in law issues, that backing down is never the answer.
Good Luck! |
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September 10, 2008, 10:10 am PDT
Quote From: anarchya Not sure where to start, so here it goes...
My husbands family is so toxic that I am ready to tell him that I can no longer have anything to do with them. The problem is that he is so close to them that this will most definately cause issues between us, and I'm really not sure how to approach him with this.
Let me start by saying that we've been married for almost eight years, and the immeshment issues between him, his 29 year old sister (with the maturity of a 12 yr old), and his parents have been prevelant since the beginning. He has worked really hard at establishing better boundaries, but they are so sick that for me, no amount of distance is enough. Up until now, I have beared their presence for his sake.
Both my husband and his father are recovering addicts, and they both attend 12 step meetings twice a week together (which I find odd in itself). His father is an extremely controlling and overbearing person that tries to intimidate and manipulate everyone around him. I am not impressed, nor phased by his persona, thus we have an unspoken understanding in that we do not like each other, but mask it for my husbands sake. His mother is a passive woman that never really stands up for herself, who I really love, but have no respect for. Who allows her daughter and husband to treat her like an evil stepchild. My husbands sister (who is single and has a toddler) is so co dependent on her father that she cannot conduct day to day life without his approval or direction. She has moved in and out of her parents home too many times to even count, and must enlist her father in every aspect. She just recently had a "breakdown", and was admitted to a crisis center under "suicide watch". Supposedly her counselor told her to quit her job because it was too stressful (I don't buy it since she lies about everything). So she just didn't call in so they would fire her in order for her to claim unemployment, before finding a new job, and now has no way to pay her bills or support her child, and will no doubtedly end up moving back in with mommy and daddy. She is so emotionally immature that everywhere she goes she creates drama from nothing, she says inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and I honestly can't even have a conversation with her becuz it's like talking to a mentally challenged person, or to a child. She uses illness to get attention and has also used this tactic with getting attention for her child.
She is now attending the 12 step meetings right along with my husband and father inlaw! I find this oddly strange and, once again, extremely inappropriate.
The problem is that anytime I try to talk to my husband about things, he either gets defensive or abruptly ends the conversation and refuses to talk about it. I understand that it's his family, but if it were mine, I would limit my association, as well as try to spare him from having to endure them.
At this point, I want to tell him that I cannot associate with them at all. But how do I do that and not cause huge issues between us? Am I being to unreasonable here? I feel sick at the thought of even having to spend the day with them....
Any advice would be more than appreciated. Thank you Your in-laws sound toxic and dysfunctional, to say the very least! The first thing that I highly recommend to you is to read the book, “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward. I credit that book with helping me to change my life and the relationship that I had with my in-laws. It will also help you understand better why your husband tolerates his toxic family, even when it causes issues in his marriage. Because they are his family, and he has been raised around this dysfunctional dynamic his whole life, that is his “normal.” When you suggest distancing from them, he most likely feels uncomfortable about that, because although they have their faults; they are still the only family he has ever known; ‘warts and all,’ as the saying goes. Your husband needs to learn how to raise his sense of self worth/self esteem, so that he can have the courage to distance himself from his family; so that he has the courage to not care what they may or may not say about him. Do you think that will ever happen? One tiny little baby step that he could do to begin building up his sense of self worth is to go to those meetings on his own, or, find meetings somewhere else. He will discover that sobriety doesn’t have to be overwhelming or chaotic, and hopefully, that will feel like a relief to him. Unfortunately, he might actually “enjoy” the chaos and drama that his family brings into his life, and he might not know what to do without it. He has to learn to get outside of his comfort zone, to expand his world. Again, do you think that will ever happen? Are you afraid that, if he felt that he had to choose, he would choose his family over you? My advice to you is to never ask him to choose. But, you can still let him know that although he enjoys spending time with his family, you do not enjoy it at all, and you would rather do other things if he has plans to hang out with them. Approach him in a way that lets him know this isn’t going to be an argument or a fight; you are simply stating how you feel and what you’ve decided, this way, there is no reason for him to become defensive. You aren’t asking him anything, you are just stating how you feel. When you tell him this, it is important that you not say specific negative things about his family; again, they are his ‘normal,’ so when you insult them, he feels as though you are insulting him. (So sick, isn’t it?) You are just presenting him with your decision. An example of what to say might be something like, “I love you very much and appreciate all that you do for us. (this is so important because everyone likes to hear that they are appreciated, and he will be less likely to respond in a defensive manner) I want us to live a long, happy and healthy life together, and I know that you want that, too. I’ve been thinking, and I just want to let you know that I don’t want to argue or fight about this, I just want to tell you, that when you hang out at your family’s home, I’m going to do “xyz” instead…” This way, you are complementing him, you are validating him as a husband, and then you are letting him know how you feel. I hope that this works out for you!! Again, I encourage you to read that book! Best wishes. |
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September 10, 2008, 10:25 am PDT
Quote From: anarchya You have made the right decision. And it is your boyfriends responsibilty to set her straight. He needs to be behind you 100%...If not, then trust me from experience, it will be an issue forever between you. If she cannot accept the mother of his child, then it is on her whether or not she can get over her issues with you for the sake of her grandchild. If not, then you are right, that is her decision, and she knows what the consequences of that decision are. I don't agree necessarily with the previous person that responded, in puttin git out of your mind. Ignoring it won't make it go away. You need to address it and resolve it now, or chances are it will only get worse. Take it from someone that has been through in law issues, that backing down is never the answer.
Good Luck! But sometimes worrying about something that you have little control over just causes extra, unnecessary stress. Not so much ignore it, but try not to obsess over fixing it especially after you've repeatedly tried to address it. My advice is to still address it by managing what YOU can manage. Not stressing over it has been hard for me, and something I continue to work on. But over time it's just too much of an energy-drain to worry about people who frankly are happy with their own behavior. Just wanted to clarify that I wasn't saying to ignore a bad situation especially when there is meanness (and children) involved. |
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September 10, 2008, 10:30 am PDT
Quote From: dhanki I'm going to make this as Short as possible because its almost a year long story.
my boyfriend an i have a 6 month old little girl and i have a 6 year old from a previous marriage. last September, when i was 2 months pregnant my boyfriend and i got in a fight and he went out with a friend. he didn't come home.
at this point his mother and my relationship was OK. she wasn't impressed that i was pregnant but had no problem borrowing money from me, asking me to bring milk for her young twin daughters at midnight and whatever else she needed.
i was worried that my boyfriend didn't come home at first thinking that something had happened to him. he wouldn't answer my text messages or calls in it was 5am. by about 730 i didn't know what to do so i sent his mother a message asking if she had heard from him or if she could help me find him.
we finally tracked him down and he told me he didn't come home because he was mad at me and before he did he was going to his mothers because she was worried about him. i just want to add that this women has never been very nice to him and at the family gatherings i used to go to, she would spend the time making fun of him. when he was 16 he was on house arrest. she kicked him out the day it before it ended then called the police on him. shes his mother though and he loves her.
i told him to go to his mothers and have a coffee then he needed to come home because we needed to talk. i was so upset and had been crying for about 6 hours and i was 2 months pregnant so i was also angry he would put that kind of stress on me intentionally.
two hours later i finally called his phone and i could here his mother in the background telling him to "leave the bitch". when he hung up on me i sent his mother a message just letting her know that i loved her son and she needs to remember that her grandchild is now involved and she should want her to come from a broken home, because i wasn't OK with that. she then replied with "the best thing that could possibly happen is if you were to loose the baby". i was angry and said "problem solved, to you she mine as well be dead because you will never be around her".
Fast forward to march of this year. i spent a few lonely holidays by myself because i wasn't allowed there for dinner and that was perfectly OK with me. i also spent alot of sleepless nights fighting about my lack of relationship with my boyfriends mother because i wasn't willing to apologize. i don't think i needed to. a week before my scheduled c-section, i sucked it up and said that i wouldn't make a scene if she wanted to come to the hospital to see the baby. she did, and we were civil. i then told my boyfriend that i was willing to have his mother involved in our daughters life however in order for me to be comfortable with it, i needed to be there for the first little bit. i mean, she said my daughter would be better off dead. you cant expect me to want to hand her my daughter and not be there to keep an eye out.
a week or so after we brought my daughter home from the hospital, she wanted my boyfriend to bring the baby by. i said no problem, lets go. he called her to tell her we were all on our way and she told him to forget it. i was not allowed in her house or near her daughters. i explained to my boyfriend that thats her decision but I'm our baby's mother and i do not feel comfortable her being there without me there to keep an eye out. i just cant hand my daughter over to someone who hates me so much.
six months later and its still the same. she stopped asking to see the baby because she knows the answer. sure, as long as I'm there. by this time i feel Ive made the right decision. this women hates me so much she cant even be in the same room with me just to see her grandchild. its causing major issues between my boyfriend and i and he thinks i should just suck it up and deal with it and let him take our daughter to his mothers without me. Ive tried to tell him that if she cant get past this and be in the same room with me for her son and granddaughter sake, one day our baby will crawl up on her daddy's lap before they leave for thanksgiving dinner at grandmas and shes gonna ask, "daddy, why cant mommy come?" I'm trying to avoid that question ever being asked. if i give in and hand my child over to someone who hates me that much, shes never going to get over it and be able to be in the same room as me and i will spend alot of holidays watching my child walk out the door with her daddy going to someones house who hates me. i guess my question is, is this a battle over who can be more stubborn or am i doing the right thing. i sick of fighting about this. please any suggestions would be great. No, isn’t a battle over who can be more stubborn. That has become a symptom of a much bigger problem. The bigger problem, as you know, is that his mother wants full control over her boy, and she resents that now, with you in the picture, she doesn’t have that. So, she is trying to punish you. In the process, she is being emotionally abusive to her son by even putting him in this position. When you allowed her to come to the hospital & see the baby, that should have been where the truce happened. Instead, she is holding onto her anger/hatred towards you. I know why she is holding onto it; because it is comfortable for her. She is so insecure of herself and so unreasonably jealous that her son has ‘another woman’ besides her in his life, that she would probably cut off her own nose right now just to spite her face. She enjoys holding a grudge; that is her comfort zone- having anger, hatred, negativity and dysfunction- those are all comfortable emotions for her. Meanwhile, you and I would be more comfortable with forgiveness, kindness, and at the least, the common respect that you would extend to a stranger. Because your boyfriend was raised by this woman, he is used to her emotional/psychological games, and this has become the family’s “normal” to him. He wants YOU to change, he wants YOU to accept his mother, because that is what he did way back when he was just a child, when he was probably dependant upon her for a lot, and he learned quickly that to keep the peace with mom, you allow her to be spiteful and mean, then you forgive her and move on. Please know that you are doing the right thing. I know that you feel torn, but you are not being unreasonable at all. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable for spending holidays with her instead of you; choosing his momma over his girlfriend and his child. He should be standing up to her; he should be asserting himself as a full grown man now; not her child who can be manipulated by her. It doesn’t mean he has to cut her out of his life; he can still have a relationship with her- but he can be doing it in a way that is healthier to himself, and to his new family. You said that you are sick of fighting over this; do you mean that you fight about this with your boyfriend? My advice to you is to make a decision and then, stick to the decision; you have a couple of choices: 1) ‘suck it up’ and go be his mother’s puppet, or 2) tell your boyfriend that you understand this is his mother, but that you deserve more respect then she extends to you; that you want to have a long, happy and healthy relationship with him, to raise your precious baby in a happy, positive household together, and that you will have to simply agree to disagree in regards to his mother. Let him know that from this day forward, you don’t want to argue about the issue of his mother anymore, that your goal in life is to lead a healthy life, to provide a stable home with him for your child, and that you can accept him visiting his mom, etc., but that you can’t take her into your heart until you feel she will reciprocate a healthy relationship with you & your child. Then, put it behind you. Only say that if you mean it- if you say that you won’t argue about her any longer, then you’ve got to be prepared to really mean it. You might find that it is actually quite liberating; in fact, I hope that you do! I wish you the very best. |
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September 10, 2008, 12:00 pm PDT
Quote From: jaimie1974 Your in-laws sound toxic and dysfunctional, to say the very least! The first thing that I highly recommend to you is to read the book, Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. I credit that book with helping me to change my life and the relationship that I had with my in-laws. It will also help you understand better why your husband tolerates his toxic family, even when it causes issues in his marriage. Because they are his family, and he has been raised around this dysfunctional dynamic his whole life, that is his normal. When you suggest distancing from them, he most likely feels uncomfortable about that, because although they have their faults; they are still the only family he has ever known; warts and all, as the saying goes. Your husband needs to learn how to raise his sense of self worth/self esteem, so that he can have the courage to distance himself from his family; so that he has the courage to not care what they may or may not say about him. Do you think that will ever happen? One tiny little baby step that he could do to begin building up his sense of self worth is to go to those meetings on his own, or, find meetings somewhere else. He will discover that sobriety doesnt have to be overwhelming or chaotic, and hopefully, that will feel like a relief to him. Unfortunately, he might actually enjoy the chaos and drama that his family brings into his life, and he might not know what to do without it. He has to learn to get outside of his comfort zone, to expand his world. Again, do you think that will ever happen? Are you afraid that, if he felt that he had to choose, he would choose his family over you? My advice to you is to never ask him to choose. But, you can still let him know that although he enjoys spending time with his family, you do not enjoy it at all, and you would rather do other things if he has plans to hang out with them. Approach him in a way that lets him know this isnt going to be an argument or a fight; you are simply stating how you feel and what youve decided, this way, there is no reason for him to become defensive. You arent asking him anything, you are just stating how you feel. When you tell him this, it is important that you not say specific negative things about his family; again, they are his normal, so when you insult them, he feels as though you are insulting him. (So sick, isnt it?) You are just presenting him with your decision. An example of what to say might be something like, I love you very much and appreciate all that you do for us. (this is so important because everyone likes to hear that they are appreciated, and he will be less likely to respond in a defensive manner) I want us to live a long, happy and healthy life together, and I know that you want that, too. Ive been thinking, and I just want to let you know that I dont want to argue or fight about this, I just want to tell you, that when you hang out at your familys home, Im going to do xyz instead This way, you are complementing him, you are validating him as a husband, and then you are letting him know how you feel. I hope that this works out for you!! Again, I encourage you to read that book! Best wishes. Hi Jaime1974,
Thank you so much for this reply, and I appreciate your reply. I have been told before to read "Toxic Inlaws", so I guess I'd better start taking the advice.
In answer to your questions, I don't think that he will ever distance himself from them. He has tried really hard in the past to set better boundaries, but their drama comes in waves, and each time the sickness seems to get worse. Just being around them and the way they interact with each other makes me feel ill, and I am normally biting my tongue so that I do not contribute to the madness.
I know that my husband loves me and wants to do the right thing by me/us, but you are right, it is hard for him. I in fact did tell him this morning that I need to distance myself from them, and that I would never ask him to choose but I can't be around it. I assured him that I loved him and it was nothing that he did, but it is important for me to be honest with him, and that I appreciate that I can always talk to him. He seems a little hurt and maybe confused since he always seems to think he needs to be in the middle. I don't really think that I am scared that he would choose them over me after eight years, but he doesn't think that their problems affect us, and that we should just "be there to listen", but that is where it stops, but it's not that easy for me. Everyone around them tip toe around the issue (no doubt becuz my father in law intimidates them???), and says nothing. They all lie and embellish eveything to create drama.
Anyway...I'm sure he and I will be talking more tonight about the issue. And your advice will be in the back of my mind the whole time. I am calling the library right now to check on the book.
Thank you so much! |
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