Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Hi fourlilmonkeys,

 

To answer your question...YES.  His father physically threatened me once, which almost caused a divorce, since my husband did nothing, and even tried to defend him.  Since then we have come a long way, and he knows better, but that is how sick his father has made this family, and how manipulated my husband was by him.  His mother uses me to vent about both her husband and daughter, but does nothing to change her situation.  The daughter is always calling for advice, but never takes it (I finally told her that I was done giving it), they are constantly lying and creating drama for attention, either through "breakdowns" or illnesses.  They whine about eveyone pitching in to help her raise her child, when it's just due to laziness.  His father is constantly derogatory towards women, and tries to control every situation, and is just flat inappropriate in public.

 

We started a business, and now they are doing the same type of business.  So we can't escape them!  It's as if every aspect of our lives have to involve them.  And when I am around them, I feel emotionally ill.  At this point I need to stay away or I will end up going off on all of them!  I've rolled my eyes and have bit my tongue for almost 9 years, and I am FED UP!

 

I appreciate your advice...but it is way beyond annoyance.

What you're doing sounds reasonable.   If you do not want to listen to his mother repeatedly complain about her husband  daughter, then do nothing about it; then when she starts on it, immediately excuse yourself from the conversation/situation.  Same for his sister.  If you're annoyed that she asks for advice but never takes it, don't give her advice.  If it's too stressful to listen to problems w/o offering advice, then don't talk to her about her problems anymore.   You don't have to be their audience. 

If you go around and you feel like your head is going to explode listening to them talk amongst themselves (even if they aren't talkng to you directly), then go to the bathroom, take a walk around the house to look at family portraits, step outside for fresh air, go to kitchen to get a drink.   Sing a song in your head, LOL! 

Keep some conversation topics in your head so that you still have the chance to interact, and also re-direct if that will work.  SIL likes to watch Survivor?  Talk about that.  FIL has a pit bull?  Talk about that.

I hear that you're fed up.  And your FIL physically threatening you is inexcusable.   2 generations of chemical dependancy, obviously there's major dysfunction in this family.    But hopefully you can manage it by distancing yourself, extracting yourself from the drama, without totally cutting off contact.   I hope you can find some relief.

The chaos and drama that surround your in-laws DOES affect your life; isn’t it amazing that your husband can’t/won’t see that? It sounds like you are handling the situation as best as you can. Keeping yourself removed is the only way to keep your sanity. I know how you are feeling; you care about your husband & his feelings, and seeing his family negatively impact him hurts you. Good luck to you and hopefully you can start reading that book soon!

The library is getting it for me from a satelite library, and I am so ready!

 

Thank you so much for your advice and encouragement.  And I do love and care about my husbands feelings and don't want to see them continually contaminate him with their toxic behavior, but you're right, I do need to keep myself healthy and free of the negativity.  Hopefully he can learn to accept it.

 

I do worry sometimes whether we can survive if he can't/won't remove or distance himself from it.  But I only have control over my actions, and need to keep that in mind.

 

Thank you again.

Thank you...and this is really good advice.  I have been doing some of that for the last nine years, but you know how sometimes you just get so fed up that you fear that you might just go off?  I am close, and other than physically removing myself from them, nothing has seemed to be helping.  Just when I think that they are finally getting on track, and she (SIL) is getting her life together, everything falls to pieces, and they are back at square one or worse.  It is a constant roller coaster.  She is now talking about trying to get on disability because she can't make enough money to pay for daycare and live.  That is really hard to do when YOU DONT HAVE A JOB!!!!  And now my FIL wants my MIL and him to sell their house and get a place with a basement for my SIL and her child to live.  How does that help anyone?  Other than encourage the codependancy?  So how does this affect us?  We are then subject to all of them complaining about each other???  Usually we try to be supportive or gently suggest things...Well no more!  I am no longer holding my tongue.  And I will let my husband know that either I distance myself or I will be, as politely and diplomatically as I can, telling them all exactly what I think and that I will no longer listen to it. 

 

We will see what happens, but I do feel like for my own health that I need to do this.  Hopefully my husband can learn to accept it, otherwise we may have to reevaluate our marriage.  Which is sad that it may come to that, but I am seriously over all of this!

 

I have toxic family memebers of my own...And that is precisely why I have no contact with them, and would never ask or expect him to endure it.

 

Thank you again for your help...I do appreciate it!

I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years.  I have 3 grown children from a previous marriage.  I have had some minor problems in the past with my MIL and SIL.  My husband has one sister who is married with one daughter.  My problems in the past with my MIL and SIL is that they didn't treat my children like they were part of the family.  For that matter, my MIL doesn't  treat me like I think she should either.  The most recent problems started when my husband was in a horrific car accident about a year ago. The problems started while he was in the hospital.  She convinced the nurses while I was out of the room that my husband was allergic to a medication because he was itching.  MOST people suffer this side effect, itching, from this medication.  Yet he was prescribed that medication for pain in pill form!!  Now I am trying to get this wrong information off his medical record.  I might should add that my husband and I both have a college education and neither of my inlaws don't.  So while my husband was critically ill in the hospital, my MIL would not leave the room when my husband had to use a bedpan or use the bedside commode.  She would go to the door and look out the window, but wouldn't leave the room!!  This really aggravated me but I didn't say anything.  I was thinking, C'MON LADY, give the man his dignity.  ( My husband is 44).  Then when he finally got home, she wanted to come see him every single weekend.  She lives 2 hours away.  Meanwhile, my son was in military training about and hour and 45 minutes drive away from my house.  My son was home some weekends, but not every weekend.  So here I was dealing with my critically injured husband, my house is in total disarray, my living room is a hospital room and I am doing the best that I can do.  I spent at least and hour to an hour and a half each day cleaning his pins from the external fixator not to mention everything else I am doing for him.  I had to watch his every move to make sure he wasn't getting an infection, or having any other medical problems.   My problem is that my inlaws would come on the weekends AND ALMOST ALWAYS would expect me to cook them a meal!!   Like I didn't have enough to do.  I slept on the couch ( which was in my breakfast room) for the first 3 months my husband was home.  I spent every moment in the hospital with him.  My MIL would come occasionaly to the hospital so I could come home and get clean clothes and tend to some things. BUT I ALWAYS FELT RUSHED!!!  Then after he was home from the hospital, one week I told her that the upcoming weekend would not be a good weekend to come down because I had massages scheduled at my house on Sunday.  My girlfriend is a MT and she was coming to give me a massage and she was bringing a PT with her for learning purposes and then she was going to give the PT a massage, so I didn't need a houseful of people while this was going on.   SHE CAME ANYWAY!!!!    I had to call and cancel the massages.  I cooked a meal and went to my bedroom when they got here and locked myself in there.  I wanted no part of them.  Then one weekend, she called an announced that she was on her way. I was P ***ed!  My husband had to call her and tell her to turn around and not come.  I just needed a break from having constant people in the house and my MIL didn't get it!   Then when my sister came from CA, she came and screwed up our plans that weekend also.  MY POINT IS, THIS LADY DOESN"T GET IT.  She supposedly said that she would help any way she could, but the truth is, the four things I asked for, SHE DIDN"T give me.  The first being, the night this happened, I asked her to take my dog home.  NO!  She didn't do it.  Then I asked her not to come down on two different weekends and she didn't do that either.  She came anyway.  Then I asked her to pick up my mother for me on her way here and she didn't do that either.  I was purely frustrated with her lack of cosideration of me. I know she is his mother, but he is my husband and  I WAS HIS TOTAL CAREGIVER!  I was the one who cleaned his pins everyday and took him to all of his dr.'s appointment and took total care of him.  But obviously she didn't consider that.  She wanted what she wanted and that was that.  Many times we would be up several times during the night or not get to sleep until 3 in the morning and she would call at 8 or 8:30 in the morning and wake us up!  She gets up at the crack of dawn and expects everyone else around her to do the same.  So I finally had to take the phone off the hook so we could get some rest.  I told his sister not to call before 12, but she didn't get it either and she would call early too.  His sister is a hairstylist and works out of her home, so when she had  break, no matter what time it was , she would call.  NOT CARING IN THE LEAST WHAT TIME OF DAY IT WAS.  She knew that we didn't get a lot of sleep during the night and I would be up getting his medication for him during the night, but it didn't matter to her.  So after some time and my husband was feeling better, we would make small trips out of town with his family, i.e. camping and to visit the property that my MIL bought.  It was on one of those trips that I discovered that my MIL was talking smack about me to the family behind my back.  HOW DARE SHE!  She said that I was making it all about me ( like I had to time to think about myself) and that was her son and I wasn't going to keep her away from him.  For crying out loud, I wasn't trying to keep him from anybody, I NEED A FREAKING BREAK!  Every time they came, I felt like I had to clean and cook.  I was so overwhelmed from everything else, so this added stress didn't help me.   I was handling everything, the insurance companies, the household issues, etc.  Never once did she ask me what I needed help with directly.   I would have said, hire somebody to come help me clean.  But no.  ( I should also add that her mother had passed a few months earlier and inherited quite a chunk of change.)  I know how these people talk about others behind their backs, so I certainly didn't need my MIL in my house and then talking smack about me behind my back.  So after the incident that took place at her home out of town, that was the last time I spoke to her.  It caused a fight between my husband and myself and I took an overdose ( but not enough to harm myself) because I just couldnt deal with this anymore.  I had told my husband that I didn't want to go down there, he made me go.  Then I told him several times while I was there that I wanted to leave and he wouldn't let me.  So I was in a place wher I didn't want to be and I felt that was my only way out.  They took me to the ER,  the ER Drs. talked to me and then let me go.  They knew I hadn't taken enough to hurt myself.  HECK, I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIS MOTHER!   Yes, I realize  that was stupid, but I've been in bad places before and I  SO DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE AGAIN.  Now my husband knows, that when I say no, I mean NO.  So I haven't had any contact with my MIL since then.  Prior to this happening, I used to call her everyday and now I don't speak to her at all.  My husband talks to her almost daily and she acts as if nothing ever happened.  There was a birthday party held during the summer for my husband's grandmother and I wasn't going to go because my MIL was going to be there, but my husband wanted me to go and said I shouldn't punish the others that love me and want to see me, so I went.  Then his family reunion was this past weekend.  I wasn't planning on going.  I thought it was clear to my husband that I didn't want to go .  I spent all day on Saturday baking a cake and cupcakes and decorating and that evening my husband asked me about going.  I told him no, I wasn't planning on going and when he asked why, I told him because there were issues that were not resolved.  The next morning he came to me with tears in his eyes and asked me to go to the reunion with him.  How could I say no?  I told him I would go but only for him.  I took one Xanax and went, then spent last evening with stomach pain, cramps and sitting ont he toilet most of the night.  So now the next big holiday is Thanksgiving.  THIS IS THE HOLIDAY THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TO MY MIL.  I obviously haven't gottten my point across to his mother yet OR SHE IS CLUELESS, I just dont' know.  But because today is my husband/s birthday, tomorrow I plan to tell my husband that I AM NOT PLANNING ON GOING TO HIS MOTHER'S FOR THANKSGIVING.  I know this will cause a rift and it puts him in the middle, but why do I have to be subjected to this?  I have give and give and give and now it's time for me to put my foot down.  I hate to put my husband in the middle of this, because he loves us both, but I am tired of his mother manipulating him and every opportunity she gets.    I have to go back and say that Saturday when my husband came to me and asked me to go to the reunion,  he said that his mom did try to apologize to me THE NIGHT I WAS TAKEN TO THE ER AND WAS HEAVILY MEDICATED AND DONT REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT THAT NIGHT.    Sorry, but that does not count as an apology to me.   I don't remember anything of the sort.  He says she doesn't know that I don't remember any of it.  ????????  Please help me out on this one Dr. Phil fans.  I am not prepared to give in to my manipulative mother in law any more.  I have had enogh.  I also want to add that my husband is doing better and finally went back to work, four work days shy of being out of work a full year.  He still has problems with his left ankle/foot/leg, but at least he still has it, he is still here and is able to work again.  Our lives are changed forever.  I have discussed these issues at length with my girlfriends and my sister and they all agree with me.  Your help with this matter is appreciated!!!

When push comes to shove you give in and as Dr Phil says you teach people how to treat you.  If people invite themselves to your house despite being told it's not convienient then why make it comfortable for them?  Give up cleaning, cooking and breaking appointments for unwelcome guests.  If people are family enough to turn up whenever they like then they are family enough to take you as they find you.  In retrospect is there any real reason other than your pride in being seen to do things properly why your in-laws couldn't have put up with a less than spotless house, gone shopping for their own food, cooked it themselves and stayed in the bedroom or kitchen while the massages were going on?  It's far from the same situation but when I moved recently my sister invited herself and her family to view the new house while the furniture was still in storage and we were still sorting out all sorts of other things.  She was told we were camping in the house with 5 folding chairs and plastic mugs so if she wanted to sit down or have her tea in a china mug she needed to bring her camping chairs and crockery.  She came equiped and with a picnic and sorted her curiousity.  Whilst I wasn't assertive enough to tell her her visit was inconvienient and I'd rather not entertain her for at least another month I didn't resent the intrusion because I didn't rush around spending money or getting our household goods out of storage early in order to entertain her properly.  

 

As an outsider it seems to me that a lot of this is a long build up of frustration between people who have different ideas of family boundaries which has come to a head due to the amount of time spent together.  It's entirely possible that given a break you might be able to play happy families to a limited extent in future.  For this reason I wouldn't burn any boats.  Just make alternative arrangements for Thanksgiving in a hotel if you can afford it and go EVEN IF YOUR HUSBAND CHOOSES TO HAVE THANKSGIVING ELSEWHERE.  If you can't afford staying away declare Thanksgiving is the only time you will have between now and Christmas to sort out the backlog of tasks that accumulated in the house during your husband's convalesence.  Say you are cleaning the house that day and get up and get on with it EVEN IF YOUR HUSBAND DRIVES OFF TO HIS MOTHER'S FOR DINNER WITHOUT YOU.  If your husband goes ahead and invites his mother to your house in spite of your wishes stay in bed all day or go for a long walk with a picnic.  If you want an excuse just say you've had a difficult year and you want a Thanksgiving that meets all your needs without compromise this time.  (As you've 3 grown children I expect it's been some time since that happened.)

 

 

My father-in-law had been arguing with my mother in law for a few days and as a result would not play with my daughter. He had just got home, walked in the room, completely ignoring all of us and my mother-in-law asked him to play with my daughter and he said 'no' and went upstairs, without even looking at us. I'm not sure how to handle it from here. I don't want him to think that that kind of behavior is acceptable. I want to protect my daughter from that kind of emotional abuse. My husband thinks we should just not go over there if they are fighting, but I feel like he should address it.

I might have some sympathy for your father in law if I knew what had been going on with your MIL before he got home.  Was she putting you in the middle of their problems?  Was asking your FIL to play with your child a clumsy way of getting him to toe a particular line and start behaving as she dictated?

 

I ask because my reaction to a husband I'd argued with coming home in the middle of a visit would have been far more concilitory.  "Hello.  Let me get you a cup of tea while you catch up with the family."