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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Number of Replies: 2467
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:41 am
Author : dataimport
Love them, tolerate them, or despise them? Dealing with the in-laws can be stressful to a marriage. Share your stories and coping strategies.

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January 13, 2009, 10:11 am CST

Hi Ms

Quote From: ms_sunhine

 

I can only imagine how you must feel, but you are handling it like a trooper! I know you must feel that he has gotten his way again, but it is still your choice. The fact that you chose to go with him to the bike meeting shows your willingness to compromise, even though you didn't really want to go. I give you a lot of credit (and hugs!) in doing this because you could have went to the festival instead. Is there any way for you to go to the meeting and still go to the festival, either before or after, or even go to the meeting one day and the festival the next day, or vice versa? It would be so nice for you if you could do both. I know it is an important event for your husband, and if you could do both, you might feel better about going to the meeting. If none of the above is possible, maybe you can get away the weekend before or after if there is an event that you would like, and maybe your husband can go with you, or make it something you both can do together.

 

In going to the meeting, if you can, try to have a good time. Enjoy yourself as much as you can for you. Make it a requirement to have some fun! LOL! Let him know that next time an important event for him comes up, and he doesn't let you know the details in ample time, that if you have made other plans, then that is what you will do. You sacrificed an event that was important to you to be there for him on his special day. I hope he realizes this and appreciates that you will be there for him.

 

I hope everything works out well for you that weekend. And Happy Birthday for tomorrow!! I wanted to tell you that as I won't be on here tomorrow. Hope you have a peaceful and enjoyable day, and have some fun!! LOL!

 

Keep smiling, be neutral, stay strong, and love yourself above all others!! :)

 

 

 

Thank you for the birthday wishes...that was very sweet!  How are things with you?  Sometimes I feel like I get so wrapped up in my own stuff and forget to ask.

 

I hope that he realizes that I am compromising too, and appreciates it.  We are not able to attend both since the club get together is an all weekend event in a town quite aways from where the Strawberry Festival is.  But I will be going next year, and I will be informing him of that.  And I am going to the Horse Show on May 1st.  I guess one good thing about me going to the club function that weekend is that it gives me the opportunity to bag out on other, less important club events.  And he cannot claim that I am not compromising.  I will most likely go to one or two more, but not if they conflict with my plans to do something else that I've wanted to do for some time.  I do want to show him support, and be there for him, but he has to start being there for me too! 

 

Today is much like any other day, nothing special planned.  But tomorrow I am getting my hair and nails done!  Then Saturday evening, after he gets home from his club meeting (I'm sticking to my guns on not going to that one!), we will have a nice dinner and a movie.  Sunday, I will be spending the day with my best friend shopping!  So should be fun!

 

I am still trying to stay neutral...and smiling!  You too sweet friend!

 

A

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
January 14, 2009, 6:26 am CST

It's Here!

Welp, my husband goes to his counseling appointment today at 9:30am, and why is my stomach all in knotts?  I really don't know what to expect from this, and I can already tell you what the conversation afterward will be.  I will ask him how it went and he will say "fine".  He will not freely give information, and I will end up asking him if he thought it was helpful at all and whether he intends to go back.  His response will be, " we'll see".  I guess I should not project so much, but I know him too well.  And I guess I will just have to accept whatever information he wants to share, or doesn't.  I'm sure that when I go see the counselor, although she can't discuss specifics, can possibly give me a better idea of how she thought it went.

 

I mentioned to him yesterday that next year I will be attending the Strawberry Festival instead of the annual club get together, and that he was not able to go with me, then I understood.  He stated that he could not say yes or no at this point, but that we would see.  I'm sure that after becoming president, he will have more resposibilities with the club, and an obligation to be there.  But that really is not my concern.

 

Hope all of you are well, and I will continue to keep you posted on my on going saga!  LOL

 

Keep smiling, stay strong and NEUTRAL, and love yourself!

 

A

 
January 15, 2009, 11:26 am CST

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: anarchya

Welp, my husband goes to his counseling appointment today at 9:30am, and why is my stomach all in knotts?  I really don't know what to expect from this, and I can already tell you what the conversation afterward will be.  I will ask him how it went and he will say "fine".  He will not freely give information, and I will end up asking him if he thought it was helpful at all and whether he intends to go back.  His response will be, " we'll see".  I guess I should not project so much, but I know him too well.  And I guess I will just have to accept whatever information he wants to share, or doesn't.  I'm sure that when I go see the counselor, although she can't discuss specifics, can possibly give me a better idea of how she thought it went.

 

I mentioned to him yesterday that next year I will be attending the Strawberry Festival instead of the annual club get together, and that he was not able to go with me, then I understood.  He stated that he could not say yes or no at this point, but that we would see.  I'm sure that after becoming president, he will have more resposibilities with the club, and an obligation to be there.  But that really is not my concern.

 

Hope all of you are well, and I will continue to keep you posted on my on going saga!  LOL

 

Keep smiling, stay strong and NEUTRAL, and love yourself!

 

A

 

I hope things went well with your husband and he went with an open mind. Maybe he was able to have some insight into his family's dynamics and hopefully change his behavior with them. It kinda trickles down, doesn't it? The husbands need to change their behavior with their toxic family, and we, the wives, have to change our behavior with our husbands, as well as the toxic in-laws. And it should be so simple!

 

My situation usually stays about the same. My Mil still tries to manipulate things, but since I don't see her very often nor talk to her unless I see her, she usually does her things through my husband. So much drama!! The last few times I've seen my MIL, she brings up her pervert of a son's name, and I start talking about something else. Now, my husband is around when she does this, and never says a word to her about it. He knows I don't want to hear about his brother. Why would I? Yet, he does nothing to discourage his mother from talking about him in my own home! She has plenty of time to tell my husband about his brother's business, but she takes the opportunity to do so in my home. Just an excuse to aggravate me.

 

And AMEN to the husbands needing to start being there for their wives! I've started some spring cleaning after the holidays and am trying to get rid of the junk that we don't need, and my husband has yet to help me, even though I have been on his case for months about the spare room, which is filled with junk. So, I told him that I was going to start in there, and if he couldn't find something, too bad. He has had plenty of time to sort things out in there. Actually, I wanted it done before the holidays, but apparently, that didn't matter. So, I have gone on my own to junk-proof my home!

 

Hope everything went well at the counseling appointment and that your husband was able to talk to you about it. In the meantime, keep smiling, stay strong, be neutral, and love yourself. :)

 
January 15, 2009, 4:08 pm CST

Thanks Ms

Quote From: ms_sunhine

 

I hope things went well with your husband and he went with an open mind. Maybe he was able to have some insight into his family's dynamics and hopefully change his behavior with them. It kinda trickles down, doesn't it? The husbands need to change their behavior with their toxic family, and we, the wives, have to change our behavior with our husbands, as well as the toxic in-laws. And it should be so simple!

 

My situation usually stays about the same. My Mil still tries to manipulate things, but since I don't see her very often nor talk to her unless I see her, she usually does her things through my husband. So much drama!! The last few times I've seen my MIL, she brings up her pervert of a son's name, and I start talking about something else. Now, my husband is around when she does this, and never says a word to her about it. He knows I don't want to hear about his brother. Why would I? Yet, he does nothing to discourage his mother from talking about him in my own home! She has plenty of time to tell my husband about his brother's business, but she takes the opportunity to do so in my home. Just an excuse to aggravate me.

 

And AMEN to the husbands needing to start being there for their wives! I've started some spring cleaning after the holidays and am trying to get rid of the junk that we don't need, and my husband has yet to help me, even though I have been on his case for months about the spare room, which is filled with junk. So, I told him that I was going to start in there, and if he couldn't find something, too bad. He has had plenty of time to sort things out in there. Actually, I wanted it done before the holidays, but apparently, that didn't matter. So, I have gone on my own to junk-proof my home!

 

Hope everything went well at the counseling appointment and that your husband was able to talk to you about it. In the meantime, keep smiling, stay strong, be neutral, and love yourself. :)

Things did go well, and he even set up another appt for the 26th...I told him I was proud of him, and last night we talked for two hours about things, and it really sounds like he was honest with the counselor.  I talked to her today and made my appt for Feb 2nd, and she mentioned that they had a really good talk.  I was pleased.  He still seems be holding on to his childhood...His dad did not get sober until he was 15, and then he finally had the childhood that he had always wanted, and has not been able to let go of it.  He will be 33 next month, and the counselor told him that he has more than ample "childhood" time with his family.  He still seems to think that I can change my "feelings" about his dad, but I just flat out told him last night that I do not like the man.  I can tolerate him when I have to, but only for my husbands sake.  But it makes things even harder for me when my husband can't enforce good boundaries with him, and that turns into anger and resentment towards my husband.  I hope he is finally understanding.  And I have things to work on too, and plan to continue working on those issues.  Tonight is Al Anon, so that will be good.

 

I'm glad that you've figured out a way to deal with your MIL, it's a pity she just won't give up the ghost, and realize that she's no longer getting to you.  But I am very proud of you for standing your ground.  I can honestly say that you are my mentor!  Not sure if you wanted to be, but you are!  LOL  You have helped me so much these past few months, and I am forever grateful.

 

I still don't trust him, and it will take a lot of time to get to where we need to be, but if things continue on this road, and we continue to try, then we shoudl be able to.

 

Oh!  I admitted to him last night too, that I actually applied for jobs online and found a place to live in order to move on.  I felt a bit guilty so it felt good to tell him, and he understood.  He reacted better than I thougth he would so that's good.

 

Take care and have a great day!  Keep smiling, stay strong, be neutral, and love yourself!

 
January 15, 2009, 7:32 pm CST

Thank you A

Quote From: anarchya

Things did go well, and he even set up another appt for the 26th...I told him I was proud of him, and last night we talked for two hours about things, and it really sounds like he was honest with the counselor.  I talked to her today and made my appt for Feb 2nd, and she mentioned that they had a really good talk.  I was pleased.  He still seems be holding on to his childhood...His dad did not get sober until he was 15, and then he finally had the childhood that he had always wanted, and has not been able to let go of it.  He will be 33 next month, and the counselor told him that he has more than ample "childhood" time with his family.  He still seems to think that I can change my "feelings" about his dad, but I just flat out told him last night that I do not like the man.  I can tolerate him when I have to, but only for my husbands sake.  But it makes things even harder for me when my husband can't enforce good boundaries with him, and that turns into anger and resentment towards my husband.  I hope he is finally understanding.  And I have things to work on too, and plan to continue working on those issues.  Tonight is Al Anon, so that will be good.

 

I'm glad that you've figured out a way to deal with your MIL, it's a pity she just won't give up the ghost, and realize that she's no longer getting to you.  But I am very proud of you for standing your ground.  I can honestly say that you are my mentor!  Not sure if you wanted to be, but you are!  LOL  You have helped me so much these past few months, and I am forever grateful.

 

I still don't trust him, and it will take a lot of time to get to where we need to be, but if things continue on this road, and we continue to try, then we shoudl be able to.

 

Oh!  I admitted to him last night too, that I actually applied for jobs online and found a place to live in order to move on.  I felt a bit guilty so it felt good to tell him, and he understood.  He reacted better than I thougth he would so that's good.

 

Take care and have a great day!  Keep smiling, stay strong, be neutral, and love yourself!

 

Thank you for your story, and thank you for allowing me in your life. I am so glad that I could be of help. I decided that I was going to make going through all this chaos count for something, and if I could be of help to anyone else, then I would. Something good had to come of it!! LOL! And thank you for helping me too. Helping you helps me also, and you have given insights to things that I hadn't thought of.

 

 

It gives me a warm feeling to see how far you and your husband have come. It is so great that he went to the counselor and talked with you about it. And is going back again!! That is the greatest news yet!! And you ought to be so proud of yourself as well!! You have had to endure a lot and had to change your reactions and responses, which is not easy, and have come through all that a more self-assured and confidant woman! It is great to see it all come together, and I have high hopes for the both of you. Good for you for standing your ground and not accepting less. Good for you for showing your husband how much you had been trying, and willing to compromise. It's a really good start, and that's all you can do.

 

 

I have to run now, but will be back Sunday evening.

 

Keep smiling, stay strong, be neutral, and love yourself!!!  :)

 
January 16, 2009, 2:29 pm CST

I dont understand

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR GOING ON 5 YEARS AND MARRIED FOR 3 YEARS. WE ARE BOTH 23 AND WE HAVE 2 KIDS OUR SON IS 4 AND OUR DAUGHTER IS 18MONTHS. THE WHOLE TIME WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER I FEEL LIKE HIS MOM FEELS LIKE SHE AND HIS YOUNGER BROTHER SHOULD BE PUT FIRST. SHE CALLS ALL THE TIME AND WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING AND WHERE HE IS. I MEAN IT IS BAD ENOUGH THEY WORK TOGETHER ON THE PIPELINE AND HE TRAVELS WITH HER BUT DAMN THATS MY HUSBAND AND OUR FAMILY COMES FIRST AND SHE IS THREATNED BY THAT. SHE ALWAYS SAYS THATS HER BABY BOY BUT I THINK ITS TIME FOR HER TOLET GO AND BUTT OUT. SHE IS ALWAYS FISHING FOR INFO THAT IS GOING ON WITH US AND WHEN WE GET INTO AN ARGUEMENT SHE IS THE FIRST IN THE MIDDLE AND BAD MOUTHING ME BOUT HOW I AM WRONG EVEN IF I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. IT IS NERVE RACKING. WHAT DO I DO?
 
January 19, 2009, 7:53 am CST

Weatherall

Quote From: weatherall06

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR GOING ON 5 YEARS AND MARRIED FOR 3 YEARS. WE ARE BOTH 23 AND WE HAVE 2 KIDS OUR SON IS 4 AND OUR DAUGHTER IS 18MONTHS. THE WHOLE TIME WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER I FEEL LIKE HIS MOM FEELS LIKE SHE AND HIS YOUNGER BROTHER SHOULD BE PUT FIRST. SHE CALLS ALL THE TIME AND WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING AND WHERE HE IS. I MEAN IT IS BAD ENOUGH THEY WORK TOGETHER ON THE PIPELINE AND HE TRAVELS WITH HER BUT DAMN THATS MY HUSBAND AND OUR FAMILY COMES FIRST AND SHE IS THREATNED BY THAT. SHE ALWAYS SAYS THATS HER BABY BOY BUT I THINK ITS TIME FOR HER TOLET GO AND BUTT OUT. SHE IS ALWAYS FISHING FOR INFO THAT IS GOING ON WITH US AND WHEN WE GET INTO AN ARGUEMENT SHE IS THE FIRST IN THE MIDDLE AND BAD MOUTHING ME BOUT HOW I AM WRONG EVEN IF I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. IT IS NERVE RACKING. WHAT DO I DO?

Well, I've got a bit of experience in this area...And I have to advise you to maybe start with sitting your husband down and letting him know how you feel in a non comfrontational way.  Not sure if you've talked to him before, but it is really important for him know exactly how you feel, and that you need a bit of space and privacy when it comes to his mother/family.  Try to stay positive and neutral while dicussing the issue...This can be difficult, but it is really important not to come across as if you are "attacking" him or his mother.  It is his responsibility to have proper boundaries with his mom, and that you feel safe and protected with your marriage.  Hopefully he responds like a healthy adult, and agrees to do better at enforcing those boundaries.  Some people just never learn where they begin and their parents end, and sometimes don't even realize that it is damaging to their adult relationships now.

 

Good luck, and remember that we are all here for you.

 

Keep smiling, stay strong and NEUTRAL, and love yourself!

 

A

 
January 20, 2009, 11:46 am CST

Why?

Why won't men talk?  Why is it so hard to just tell someone what you feel or what you're thinking?  Gawd, this pisses me off!  LOL  It likes pulling teeth sometimes!

 

Last night my husband and I are cuddling on the couch, and out of nowhere, out of the thin blue air, he says..."So where was the apartment at in Oregon that you were looking at?"  I was caught a bit off guard but answered that it was in Portland, and then asked why?  Of course, he just says he was wondering...I asked if he was thinking about moving (knowing full well that the answer would be HELL NO), and he says..." Not to Oregon!"  He was being really quiet and a bit detached all day, so I asked if something was wrong?  Of course, he says no...What the heck?  I dont know if he was pouting because I spent all day shopping with my friend on Sunday or what.  I just let him feel whatever it is that he is feeling anymore, and I don't let it affect me.  I've started to notice that he likes to say things sometimes just to see how I will react or even almost putting me down, and I'm not going to let him.  My standard response now is going to be something like this..."I think that what you said was inappropriate and even a bit hurtful, if that was not your intention, then I will give you an opportunity to rephrase it, but I will not let you try and make me feel bad"....! 

 

Anyway, just had to blow off a bit of steam...Thanks for listening!

 

A

 
January 20, 2009, 1:04 pm CST

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: anarchya

Why won't men talk?  Why is it so hard to just tell someone what you feel or what you're thinking?  Gawd, this pisses me off!  LOL  It likes pulling teeth sometimes!

 

Last night my husband and I are cuddling on the couch, and out of nowhere, out of the thin blue air, he says..."So where was the apartment at in Oregon that you were looking at?"  I was caught a bit off guard but answered that it was in Portland, and then asked why?  Of course, he just says he was wondering...I asked if he was thinking about moving (knowing full well that the answer would be HELL NO), and he says..." Not to Oregon!"  He was being really quiet and a bit detached all day, so I asked if something was wrong?  Of course, he says no...What the heck?  I dont know if he was pouting because I spent all day shopping with my friend on Sunday or what.  I just let him feel whatever it is that he is feeling anymore, and I don't let it affect me.  I've started to notice that he likes to say things sometimes just to see how I will react or even almost putting me down, and I'm not going to let him.  My standard response now is going to be something like this..."I think that what you said was inappropriate and even a bit hurtful, if that was not your intention, then I will give you an opportunity to rephrase it, but I will not let you try and make me feel bad"....! 

 

Anyway, just had to blow off a bit of steam...Thanks for listening!

 

A

 

 

I know what you mean!! LOL! My husband does the same thing, kind of setting you up for a fall, which I call a set-up. There seems to be a good bit of them, depending on the circumstance, and what he wants to achieve. It's something he learned from his mother growing up, as she does it as well! It gets right tiring and emotionally draining, so I just tell my husband to just say what he's got to say or don't say anything!!

 

Your husband was probably surprised by you making plans if anything happened, and realized how serious you were about all of this. It probably has been on his mind, and that's why it seemed out of the blue for you. It is the best thing, if he's going to pout (mine does as well), to just not respond and carry on. Then hopefully he will learn that that is not the way to get your attention. It's something that my husband has learned as well from his mother, and it is infuriating that a grown man can still pout and think it's going to work!! My husband should realize by now that I am not his mother and that kind of manipulation does not work with me! And yet, he still does it as it's probably what he grew up with and probably the only way he knows how to relate to people. No matter that other people do not behave this way. To him, his family's way is right!!

 

You've got the right approach to these manipulations, and it's so heartwarming to see you implement them in your daily life. I'm still pulling for you guys!

 

Keep smiling, stay strong, be neutral, and love yourself!!

 
January 21, 2009, 9:27 am CST

A

Quote From: anarchya

Well, I've got a bit of experience in this area...And I have to advise you to maybe start with sitting your husband down and letting him know how you feel in a non comfrontational way.  Not sure if you've talked to him before, but it is really important for him know exactly how you feel, and that you need a bit of space and privacy when it comes to his mother/family.  Try to stay positive and neutral while dicussing the issue...This can be difficult, but it is really important not to come across as if you are "attacking" him or his mother.  It is his responsibility to have proper boundaries with his mom, and that you feel safe and protected with your marriage.  Hopefully he responds like a healthy adult, and agrees to do better at enforcing those boundaries.  Some people just never learn where they begin and their parents end, and sometimes don't even realize that it is damaging to their adult relationships now.

 

Good luck, and remember that we are all here for you.

 

Keep smiling, stay strong and NEUTRAL, and love yourself!

 

A

I have tried sitting him down and speaking with him bout it and he always takes it the wrong way. He thinks that I hate his mom and his family and thats not true. I love his family but they always act as if they should still come first in his life and I dont feel that way. I mean we are married and have 2 kids of our own. His mom always tries to put him on a guilt trip saying he doesnt spend enough time with his little brother who is now 14 and that isnt fair to him but I dont see how that is more important than his 4 year old sone and 18 month old daughter. SHe is just nosey when it comes to whats going on with us. I mean if we are having an arguement she is always trying to put herself in it and out her 2 sense in. But she is always rude to me and blames me for everything that goes wrong in our marriage and tells me thats her baby abd shes looking out for him. I mean to say I am not perfect but I dont do everything wrong we both have faults but its like she digs to find me in the wrong. They work 10+ hours a day together and ride to work together and what not so they are always together and I dont know if that plays a part in it or what???? He knows how I feel and he doesnt try to give into his mother I just think he does it unconsciously sometimes and doesnt see it. I just hate feeling like an outsider in my own marriage when we are around his family. I just feel like when we are all together they have a secret that I dont know.

 

Thanks....

 
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