Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Thanks for your thoughts, a n other.   Your point about being taught by a spouse is irritating is especially noted (as well as setting myself up as the expert).  On one level, I feel I'm being condescending, but I see an opportunity for us to learn to do better together, for the sake of the tone of the rest of our life together and also for the example we're setting for our kids.  I would love to live in and raise our kids in a home we work toward resolving problems in some fashion.  I see my husband carrying over the 'ignore it and it will eventually go away' approach and the 'my way or the highway' approach.  And trust me, I have my share of emotional manipulations, which I have worked hard to address within myself.  I wish we could get to the point where those approaches are not predominate.

My husband will not read any 'self-help' books, we've discussed that already, not his cup of tea.

Hearing other more objective points of view helps me sort it all out.  Thanks for replying.

"Ignore it and it will go away" happens because the underlying truth is painful.  My husband and I have the in-law arguments whenever I am too upfront about the fact his brother has married a difficult woman who is incapable of compromise.     

The "my way or the highway"  starts up whenever childhood issues are touched upon.  I grew up with a mother who invariably set off late for parties, airports, schools, trains etc.  Consequently I tend to start nagging and get uptight about leaving the house early and lose my temper when people moan because we are too early.

Finally as a breed men tend to live in the moment and see the big picture as opposed to women who look  backwards or plan for the future and get obsessed with trivia. 

I'm sorry I haven't been on here. I only get online maybe a couple of times a week now, and I'm not on there long.

You asked about after reading the book, and going to counseling, what happens? Just remember that all this is for YOU. It is to help YOU deal with all this negative energy. Whether it will change your husband and whether it will change his family, that remains to be seen. Be forewarned, though. They will see you as the enemy now, if they don't already. ANYTHING that goes against the family is seen as the enemy.  I have tried everything, from ignoring things to being outspoken against the injustices (which is pretty much my normal response) to doing things for her, going with the flow, and NOTHING changed. If anything, it got worse, because I had the courage to stand up for myself. I said 'no more" and I meant it. I deserve better than this and decided that I will not tolerate ANY of this anymore. I don't have people like that around me. Why do I have to accept behaviors that I detest just because they are my husband's family? I DON'T! But it is expected of me.

My husband says the same thing to me about ignoring it. He knows deep down inside how things are, but he doesn't want anyone else to know, and he won't verbally admit it. All this turmoil has taken it's toll on our marriage, but to them, it's all my fault. They haven't done anything wrong!! I am the only one who doesn't lie to my husband, or steal from my husband, or play manipulative games with him, yet I am at fault. This has changed my opinion of my husband greatly. I no longer respect him as a man, or a husband, or as a father. He is a momma's boy, and will always be that. She will come first always. It's just the way things have always been, and she is determined that nothing will change that.

My best advice is to give it the best shot you can. Do what YOU need to do to try and have a marriage the way it is suppose to be. My #2 advice is to move farther away! My MIL lives 20 miles away also, and that has not stopped her for 12 years! If you can, move as far away as possible. Then all you have to worry about is limiting the phone calls!! :) Remember, you are your own person and don't let ANYONE treat you with disrespect. As I've told my husband many times -- they don't have to like me, just respect me as his wife. That's all I have ever asked. My #3 advice -- Get the biggest pair of scissors you can find and cut that umbilical cord!! :) Seriously, after you feel you have done all you can do and nothing has changed with your husband, it may be time to find out where you stand with him. Demand that he sets the boundaries from his family. If he won't comply, then you have some thinking to do. I feel that I have wasted enough precious time accepting the limitations of my husband when dealing with his family. I really hate to say that, but that is just the way it is for me. It has gotten to that point where I am truly disgusted with my husband. Like you, I have a lot of anger and resentment.

Good luck to you and your husband. I feel your pain and hurt. I am real passionate about this subject as nobody should have to feel like this just because they chose to love another. Nobody should have to put up with the bs that comes along with it.

Gotta go.

You said it!  I hope you know how much talking about this with someone who actually understands helps! 

We did go to counseling...Yes "we" went.  To my surprise, he actually took the day off from work and asked to go along.  It went well, and basically she said that I need to stand my ground and enforce my boundaries, and tell him exactly what I want without backing down.  And in turn, he needs to accept that I can no longer be around them, and respect my decision.  I need to stop being mean and judgemental when talking about them to him, and he needs to concentrate more on just "us", and doing more things that involve what "we" like to do, not just what he likes, or has always done.  We were both very honest, and so far we are both really trying.  One issue is that from past experience, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It always seems to start out good, and then slowly reverts back to the same ol' crap.  I guess maybe the difference this time is that I am going to stand my ground !!!  I am on the last straw, and even told him that in couseling. 

He also surprised me in that he actually went and talked to a couple of his male friends after the appointment.  He apologized to me for taking me for granted, and said that he realized he had been selfish.  We've even started talking about a trip to my hometown.  After nine years, I may finally get to show him where I grew up. 

I know for me, it is difficult to just try let go of the past sometimes.  I find myself thinking about certain things that have happened or things that have been said, and what my reaction should have been in order to have headed this off sooner.  Shoulda, coulda, woulda huh?

I am hopeful, but cautious.  We both know that if we cant make this work, then we will have to part ways.  No one should live with this unhappiness.

I agree with you in that I also need to try and get past the anger and resentment and looking at him as less of a man.  Not sure how to do that exactly.

Where are you now in your marriage?  Are you still trying?  Are you still hopeful? 

I am so glad that your husband took the initiative to go with you to the counselor. It shows that he is interested in and willing to make some changes. I don't even know him, but I am proud of him. It takes a lot of courage to do something that just may incur the wrath of his family. They will probably have many negative responses about it, but as long as you and he puts forth a united front (like dealing with children!), they will see that maybe they are not as powerful as they think. Of course, if they act with negativity, expect some sabatage. They need things to be the way it has always been. They don't want or will accept change without a fight. It's like the families of drug addicts or alcoholics. Some of them actually sabatage the users efforts to get better in order to keep them where they're at -- addicted. Kinda weird, huh? But I've seen it in my in-laws' family. They don't want anyone to be independant so that things remain the same. They don't want anyone to get ahead or get better or even do better.

So, it is a big step for your husband to do this. As long as you both stand together, you have a chance to break free of this undermining cycle. And no matter what comes up, stand together! I can't emphasize enough how important that is. Stand up together and do things together. Start distancing your lives from theirs. Words are fine, but actions speak louder. If you can, I would limit exposure to them to about once a month. You and your husband need time together to incorporate this into your marriage.

I know what you mean about the past. I too have looked back and asked what if I had done this different? I tried all the different ways to change things, and things still were the same. And they are the same, except for me. I have limited contact with his family by choice. I have more peace of mind that way. My MIL tries to be nice when nothing else gets a reaction, but she does that to "reel me back in". Once I let her do that, it's the same stuff all over again. So, I don't pay attention to that either.

My marriage is still suffering from all of this mainly because my husband refuses to acknowledge that his mother is the way she is. Until HE takes a stand, nothing will change. I have done my part for me, but he has to do his part, and he won't. I just carry on with my life. I quit trying in this area because trying means accepting her behavior. I really don't have any hope where all this is concerned. This is why I am so passionate on this subject. The man, the son has to stand up, or nothing will change.

I am by nature a positive person, so I go on in a positive frame of mind. I am also a realistic person and know that until my husband decides to put some boundaries up and change his relationship with his mother, we will not have the relationship that we should have or could have.  I checked out www.marriagetoday.org and it's a great website for showing the biblical aspect of what marriage should be. Listen to the seminars. I think you would like it. 

It truly lights up my heart to know that your husband has made a stand for his marriage, and that you both are trying to overcome this hurtful part of your marriage. I give him a lot of credit and hope that things work out for the both of you.

Take care and good luck! Write and let me know how things are going.

I have a sister inlaw who has been rude to me from day 1.

If she was nice, it was to benifit herself.

My husband and her come from a divorced family.

Sibling rivilary has been there forever!

She would send me emails telling me what do, who to talk to, how & who to spend my money on.

But yet she never had the balls to speak to me in person, regarding her complaints. Se wrote me a huge email stating the "things" she has done for me and the "things" I have not done for her. Almost like I OWE her. She is such a material girl, it made holidays & birthdays stressful, I had to make sure I got the right gift at the right price(even when we couldn't afford it). Her and my mother inlaw broke me down big time! It always bugs me about what people thing about me & how I look, where it never bothered me before.

My mother in law is fine, when the sister inlaw is not around. But get those two together and look out!

The funny part is, she gets on my case about everything, and yet she is kind to my husband.

How does that make sense?

She will ignore me, and talk to my husband like nothing is wrong.

I have been on my husbands case about this for years!

And he says "to just ignore her, unless she talks to you first."

It made me so sick to my stomach that I would not attend family events.

Now she has 3 little girls, and  the battle begins all over.

We do not get invited to there birthday parties, she wouldn't tell us she was pregnant with her 3rd child.

She has not introduced the 3rd daughter to us, the mother inlaw did.

But now I have been attending family events, where she is at, and I do not talk to her.

I try to get a few words in to my nieces while they are running around and that's the best I can do.

It's working, but it's not fair to the girls.

Sometimes I feel really guilty about not being an "aunt" to them, but my sister in law has

chosen this path.

I don't think I can ever be friends with her, knowing how she has been in the past.

I can't please everyone(the mother inlaw & grandma), but when I do see my nieces, I try my best to talk with them, and it makes me feel better knowing that at least I am making a step in their direction, not my sister inlaws.

The funny thing is, she talks so highly about being a "family person" and how it's so important to her. And yet she totally disrespects her brother. But if it was the other way around, she would feel the same way I do. So far my way is working. It still bothers me, because I know there is no pleasing my sister inlaw. So this is how it has to be. Any pointers on how to make this right?

I am also proud of him...and we see the counselor again next week for a bit of a follow up.  Next Summer will be the real test, though.  Wintertime, other than hunting, is our "down" time since his job keeps him really busy this time of year.  Although we have talked about plans for us to go hunting together, again this is "his" thing, but hopefully this will give him more motivation to show interest in "my" things as well.  And at least we will be doing something "together". 

It feels good to be able to freely say that I dont want to go over to their house, and he has to accept it.  He talked last night about going over there this Saturday so that him and his dad could go site in their rifles.  I told him to let me know so that I could make plans.  For a brief  moment I thought I saw that old glimpse of confusion on why I wasn't going to go with him, and almost in the same instance the realization that I would NOT be tagging along.  It was kinda of comical, but cool, because I felt powerful and in charge of my boundaries!  Yeah!

I realize that I really dont know you, but you sound like a wonderful woman.  And in just the advice you've provided to me on here, I think that you are a strong woman.  You really have no idea how much you've helped me.  And I hope you know that I am here for you...even just to listen.

A

And at this point, I really feel like just throwing in the towel.

So we went to counseling...and my husband was told that he needs to enforce more boundaries with his family and put me first.  I was told not to give in and say no when I feel like my time with him is being compromised.

So Saturday the plan was for him and his dad to get their guns sited in for hunting season til 2pm.  We had plans for about an hour, then he was going with his friend to go scout for elk.  He ended up getting into a fight with his dad becuz his dad still had a gun that needed to be sited in (but forgot the bullets), but my husband didnt have time to help him.  He ended up trying to rearrange his plans with his friend in order to try and help his dad, but my FIL refused.

I tried to just be supportive and tell my husband that I was sorry they got into a fight, and that if he wanted to talk, I would listen.  He said that he didnt understand where his dad was coming from, but felt bad about him being angry and not being able to help him.  I told him that he cant make everyone happy all of the time, and sometimes people just have to get over being mad.  So he proceeds to call his dad and tell him that he could come over Sunday and help him.

I admit that I did not do what I was supposed to, and say no.  But I'm trying not to be so rigid, and Idont want to feel like I am being his keeper, and monitoring what he does and doesnt do.  He should be the one making the decision to not sacrifice our time together, especially just because his dad throws a fit...He had already told him that he only had until 2pm!  So now, once again I feel resentful and angry.  I dont feel respect for him becuz he wont stand up to his dad and say, sorry but this is the deal.  If things dont go your way, throwing a tantrum is not going to make me bend over backwards for you.

So he leaves, and I feel like I dont care!  I actually want him to stay away so that I dont have to act as if everthing is okay.  I dont even want to talk about it becuz its the same conversation everytime.  It's been the same for 9 years!  He says he did what he felt he had to, but no matter what he does anymore someone is questionaing him or telling him that he is wrong...that he is confused, but that I am the most important thing to him.  Yah, I'm confused to, cuz I dont feel like I am.  He thinks what he did was ok becuz we had nothing planned.  But we did!  We had talked about doing some yard work and installing his satellite radio into his new truck...

I tried to talk to him, but it just ends up being the same ol song and dance, and I feel like I should've just kept my mouth shut.  We see the counselor next Thursday, but why do I have to wait to bring stuff up til then.  He is my husband for gods sake!  Arent we in this together?

I just needed to vent...thank you for listening.  Any advice I always welcome.  I'm tired, and I feel like the fight in me is slowly dying out........................................

First of all, sounds like this is a perfect example of some sabataging, maybe? My take on this: His dad knows there's a time limit. He conveniently "forgets" the bullets so that your husband will abandon his plans( which would prove the dad still had control in that your husband would put his needs first) and he would spend that extra time with him. Being that the dad didn't get his way, he threw a tantrum to make your husband feel guilty. Your husband feels guilty and calls to come over the next day. Therefore, the dad has taken more time away from you and your husband. I could be wrong on this, but it sounds exactly like what my MIL does. These kind of parents expect total compliance from their adult children in whatever they ask or demand. Any deviation from their expectation is not accepted and you are subject to their tantrum or silent treatment, or whatever their method to punish is. And that is the bottom line. The dad is punishing your husband for not doing what he wanted when he wanted.

There will be setbacks on your husband's part, because his first response is to do what is expected of him. It's what he's always done and it's what is ingrained in him. This would be the time to show your husband how his dad manipulated him. Until he sees this behavior like we do, he's always going to "not understand where his dad is coming from". If he doesn't see it, let him know that he should keep to his plans when it comes to his dad. Showing his dad that the tantrums will not work will enforce what you are trying to do. Which is to be independent of him.  A normal parent would respect their son's plans and said to just come back when they get a chance!

Whatever you do, don't give up! That's what his dad wants you to do so that things can get back to normal. Stay strong, and realize that this is just a setback, and maybe your husband can learn from this. If you don't talk to your husband about it before you go to the counselor, talk about it when you get there. He needs to know that you don't agree with what happened and why. That this is exactly what you are talking about. He was all set to change his plans to please and accomodate his father. And that it's always like that.

I know it's hard, and frustrating, and incurs anger and resentment. I know you are terribly disappointed and feel let down. Try to not let it get to you that way. Yes, it's going to bother you, but don't let it make you want to give up. If you have to, ask the counselor how you could have handled it. Ask for ways to help your husband put up the boundaries. Expect a fight and expect the sabatage.

I won't get to get back on here until Thursday evening, so please write back and let me know how things went. Good luck!

You are always so wise, and I look forward to your feedback.  Thank you.

His dad is the King of manipulation, so I would not doubt your accessment in that he was doing that here as well.  Even after my husband tried to rearrange his plans with his friend to accommodate his dad, it wasn't good enough or acceptable for his father, so he threw a fit instead.  And ultimately got his way in the end.  My husband does not think that it is a bid deal becuz he and I did not have any concrete plans, but it goes beyond that, and he just chalks it up to him "doing what he thought he had to"...

Is it becuz he thinks that I will always forgive him and get over it?  Becuz it may appear that way, but I am habouring all of this anger, resentment, and disrespect proving that I have not!

I was talking to my best friend about this yesterday.  And how I felt like I always give in, and what I did wrong in the situation.  And afterwards I feel angry, not only at him, but at myself.  I start second guessing myself and tell myself that I am just being too judgemental and that I should just relax and be supportive.  You know, all those things that go thru your mind to talk yourself out of doing what you know is right just to keep the peace and not put more pressure on him than he already feels? I even just think sometimes that his life would be so much easier and happy without me.  I tell myself these things, only to realize deep down that I honestly just dont think it will ever change or get better.  She delicately pointed out that my husband is doing the same thing to me that his father does to him.  Makes me feel guilty for being angry or upset, and manipulates me into going along with what he wants!  Wow, that kinda hit me like a ton of bricks, and she is right!

I did try to talk to him a little last night but it just started to go down the same road it always does.  So I've just decided to wait until we see the counselor.  He says he is confused, and so am I.  You're right, I need to ask the counselor what I could do different.  He has to find out what he needs to do. 

I will let you know how it goes...we see her next Thursday the 30th.

How are things with you?

A