Message Boards

Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Number of Replies: 2467
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:41 am
Author : dataimport
Love them, tolerate them, or despise them? Dealing with the in-laws can be stressful to a marriage. Share your stories and coping strategies.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 13, 2009, 1:18 pm CDT

NO MORE GUILT!

I haven't been on here for awhile but just had to report...

 

Things have been going well for DH and I, with a little set back here and there.  But still going to counseling and still trying.

 

But I admit that I was starting to feel a little bad about not really speaking to my MIL, unless I see her.  Although when I do see her, I am always pleasant and talkative with her.

 

But just as I was starting to feel this way, I was told by a mutual family friend about a recent conversation she had had with my MIL, and all those feelings disappeared.

 

This friend and my MIL both work together and the friend said that one day she had stated to my MIL that she thought that I was the best thing that ever happened to my DH.  And my MIL got angry...she said that I never come around anymore and that they do everything as a family, and that I knew that when I married him.

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

All I have to say about this is that sooner or later people end up showing their true colors.  All this time my MIL has done nothing but try to make me feel as if she knew and understood how I felt and that she was even trying to help with implementing appropriate boundaries.  But by this staement, I can see that she does not.  None of them even comprehend what the word "boundaries" mean.

 

The great thing about this is that I am now free.  Free from feeling bad about cutting off my relationship with all of them and including her in with the toxic state that my FIL and SIL also reside in.  And I now also have just another example of their warped and enmeshed way of thinking.  For her sake, I hope that she does not confront me...

 

 

 
August 5, 2009, 8:42 am CDT

All of the sudden not talking after going to x's house?!?

Well ours is a little different lol..My fiance and I are due to be married on 10-10-10. He is finishing up his divorce and both of our lives have changed dramatically. His ex didnt take care of things or keep up her end in parenting or the relationship and neither did mine in any capacity (i wont go into specifics, or it would  be a book and off topic ;D). Now, as a result of us being together all 4 of our kids have a wonderfull home life now. Now before when he was with his x, his mother hated her and she hated his mother for over 10 years. All they did was badmouth eachother (in front of the children no less) and put eachother down nasty as anything you could imagine, putting David in a horrible in the middle predicament. Now I do eveything his mother complained about her about (basics, cleaning the house, caring for the kids, cooking,etc). Now his parents came over for thanksgiving and Stephies b-day party..went over to his X's house ONCE to see the kids there and never came back?!?!?!  I though we all got along fine but now they refuse to come over, call, no b-day parties..we have them and invite EVERONE in their families and they refuse to come to the cookouts and make the kids split parties for no reason. His parents and grandparents will only visit the children at their mothers house ( she only takes them by her choice only 8 days a mnth..I feel this is robbing their time with their mother, though the kids have told us their mother calls and asks them too.) despite the fact that we have an open door policy to all family members. I dont get it..all I can think of is his X had t lie to them and lie t them something BAD, they hated eachother all thoose years and now all of the sudden they are best buddies? Am I missing something? This is so hard on the kids, and all we can really tel lthem is its thier choice, we keep reaching out and they refuse to be bothered with us and we dont evenknow WHY..any thoughts or advice woudl help...I am at a loss to try and make this better for the kids....

 

~Chrissie

 
August 6, 2009, 12:47 pm CDT

Leave this to your fiance

Quote From: mrsquick

Well ours is a little different lol..My fiance and I are due to be married on 10-10-10. He is finishing up his divorce and both of our lives have changed dramatically. His ex didnt take care of things or keep up her end in parenting or the relationship and neither did mine in any capacity (i wont go into specifics, or it would  be a book and off topic ;D). Now, as a result of us being together all 4 of our kids have a wonderfull home life now. Now before when he was with his x, his mother hated her and she hated his mother for over 10 years. All they did was badmouth eachother (in front of the children no less) and put eachother down nasty as anything you could imagine, putting David in a horrible in the middle predicament. Now I do eveything his mother complained about her about (basics, cleaning the house, caring for the kids, cooking,etc). Now his parents came over for thanksgiving and Stephies b-day party..went over to his X's house ONCE to see the kids there and never came back?!?!?!  I though we all got along fine but now they refuse to come over, call, no b-day parties..we have them and invite EVERONE in their families and they refuse to come to the cookouts and make the kids split parties for no reason. His parents and grandparents will only visit the children at their mothers house ( she only takes them by her choice only 8 days a mnth..I feel this is robbing their time with their mother, though the kids have told us their mother calls and asks them too.) despite the fact that we have an open door policy to all family members. I dont get it..all I can think of is his X had t lie to them and lie t them something BAD, they hated eachother all thoose years and now all of the sudden they are best buddies? Am I missing something? This is so hard on the kids, and all we can really tel lthem is its thier choice, we keep reaching out and they refuse to be bothered with us and we dont evenknow WHY..any thoughts or advice woudl help...I am at a loss to try and make this better for the kids....

 

Chrissie

I don't understand what you mean by split parties but basically you and your fiance need not take his parents' wishes into account when you organise the children's parties.  Give the parties you wish to have.  I suggest your fiance asks once, without you present, for the reason why they no longer want to come to your house.  If they've been misinformed he can set them straight.  If the reason does not stand up to scrutiny or they won't enlighten him he just needs to say he hopes to see them in the future because the children would like it and leave before an argument starts.

 

My best suggestion is that it's actually the open door policy causing a problem.  Are you entertaining someone they have argued with and do they think you should side with them and stop seeing whoever they are not on speaking terms with?  

 
August 10, 2009, 1:06 pm CDT

I can really relate

Quote From: freyler

Hey everybody,

I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together.

My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go.

On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more.

They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them!

this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along.  THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years.

I was only letting them see my son,  because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him.

Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this.

This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines.

Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems.

Fiona

Hey there,

 I really feel for you.  I am in a very similar situation.  My in-laws are very controlling as well.  Doesn't it make you feel horrible?  I cannot stand it.  I have written the show asking for Dr.Phils help.  I am at such a loss.  I try to make things work too,but I have got to the point where I am not going to be stepped all over like a rug so I stood up for myself.  Now, the in-laws will not speak to me or include me or my children in anything.  My husband is able to attend and go to their house though.  He is supportive and everything, but just like your partner, they hold his job over his head because he works in the family business.  I wish you all the best.  Let me know if you have any suggestions.  Shelly

 
August 26, 2009, 8:25 am CDT

lost really need help

Hey everyone I really need some advice, I like most of you have am having a hard time with my mother in law her name is Lisa. I think I should tell you a little about my past first. five years ago I lost my boyfriend in a car accident and found out I was pregnent the same day! Well that was Lisa only child I lived with her and her husband until my son was aboutsix months. Ok so know I can tell you the problems I am faceing. She is very very controlling and knows how to make me feel bad, she knows that I dont like conflict and that I like to make everyone happy. I called her last week to tell her that since my son is in school he will go over on Sundays and he can stay the day instead of spending the night on friday, well she turned it all around and was telling me that I was keeping him from her and that he is all she has why would I do that! I tried to explain to her that I would like to spend time with him too, I ended up giving in to her as usual and he is going to stay the night every saturday!! Another of my many many problems with her is that my son four years old at the time came home from her house talking about how will he die and when is he going to die and that when he goes to the hospital he could die, I was sick to my stomach how would she think that was ok to say to a child. I had a talk with her and again she tried to make it seem like he should know about all of that. she was also, taking him to the cemetery when she had him and having him talk to the head stone like it was his dad I put a stop to that!! The man I am married to now we have been together since before my son was one and hereally wants to call him dad and we say that is fine, but he tells his grandma and she says no your dad is in heaven corey is not your dad. He is so lost and I dont know how to bring that topic up to Lisa that will really upset her!!!  I am so  lost on what to do I could really use some advice. thank you sorry this is so long:)

 
August 27, 2009, 8:21 pm CDT

AT my witts end!!!

How do you deal with an overbearing, chauvinistic, bully of a brother-in law????

My husband and I have been together fo 11 years, married for the last 5 of those 11. In the 11 years I have had to deal with every member of his family in one way or another. He is the 3rd boy in a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister. Chauvinistic brother -in-law is the oldest.

 First, my husband let his youngest brother(early 20's) move in with us for a few months, 6 months after we first got together. I didn't say much because I liked the little brother.

 Then we move out of state for my husbands' employment( I wasn't working) and we live with the oldest brother(mid 40's at the time) for a few months until we get a place of our own. It didn't end well.

  A year after we move, the sister (middle child-mid 30's) calls my my future hubby to ask him for a large amount of money.....she's done this with all the brothers for years, oldest brother is the only one that ever gave her money. My future hubby said "no" where sister called older brother and told on my hubby. Older brother procedes to call my fiance, makes him go for a ride with him, and rips him a new one, blaming everything on ME saying that I was greedy. We ended up paying all the sister's over due utility bills and sending her $150.00 cash...all totaling over$500.00. She told everyone we had only sent her $50.00 and ended up leaving her husband(who was a really good guy). Relationship with oldest brother was strained and they didn't talk to each other.....which of course was "my fault". ayear later my fiance was laid off from his job and we moved to another state. The brothers started talking again. We both worked for the same company doing construction and when the job ended we moved to another state.

  We lived in a motel for 4 months until we got our house set up. I still don't work, my husband doesn't want me to so on his days off we can spend time together. We have both been married before so a long time ago we agreed not to make the same mistakes we made in our first marriages, so we decided not to do anything without each other. It works fine for us.

 About 4 months after we got our house set up, he invited a guy that worked with us to stay with us while he tried to get a job. That didn't end well, I had to clean up a mess in the bathroom and bedroom he used....but that's another story. This has a point in my conclusion though.

 About a year after we moved here, oldest brother-in law asked my hubby to send him a copy of his check stub . They had been having conversations about how much money they were each making in the same work industry. I thought it was a wierd thing to ask but my hubby didn't and blacked out all the personal info, made a copy and sent it to him. Two weeks after that was sent, the BIL showed up where we lived for a job interview and 2 months later moved to where we lived. NOW THE FUN STARTS!!!! BIL and his girlfriend at the time(there is bad history between me and a member of her family ) move in with us until they get their own place. YES, it's the same brother we lived with when WE moved to their state. When we lived with them, my hubby paid them rent, we helped with thr grocery bill and I took turns cooking and helped with the cleaning. When they lived with us....NOTHING. She stayed back in her room while the guys were at work, then they would go to town to eat by themselves when BIL got home and helping out with bills--FORGET THAT!! After a few months, it didn't end well where they proced to call me a "controlling, gold digging CUN* with OCD(just because I like a clean house).See, my hubby and I have worked our butts off to develop a nice yard and have a nice house with nice things in it. I once heard DR. Phil say about his wife Robin that "he makes the living and she makes the living worth while" That's how I see our marriage. Now, I have helped with ALL the yard stuff,developing and maintaining, and they continually  give me NO credit. I have my house decorated very tastefully and they see this as being a gold digger because I don't work so my hubbys money(I consider it both our money) is what buys it all. BIL tells my hubby that it's HIS money because he's the man of the house and I shouldn't be able to spend any of it. Making matters worse, my hubby bought me a new Cadillac (which I didn't want-he did) so now I'm REALLY a gold digger.

 Now, in May of this year my hubby moves in his other brother ( in his late 40's) to help him while he gets a job here. Now I'm all for helping a family member out, but THIS IS ENOUGH!!! This is the 3rd family member of his and 4th person he has invited into our home. And guess who gets to clean up after all these people...Shampoo carpets and repaint rooms-ME!!!!!

 Now, this brother lived here for 2 months and out of the 8 weeks he was here, he worked a full time, temporary job for 6 weeks.Plenty of time to save up money to get his own place right? NOPE! So I try to sit him down to get a time frame on hoe much longer he was going to be here and he blowas a fuse and refuses to leave until he talks to my hubby. Now my hubby and I had been fighting over this for a few weeks because I want my privacy back and there was too much wierd stuff happening while my hubby was at work. I needed my space back. Hubby didn't see what my problem was and had no problem with brother staying as long as he needed to. So this brothe calls older chauvinistic brother who proceeds to call my hubby and tells him that "he has no balls and his wife is a gold digging CUN* and he needs to pack her bags and kick her to the curb" My hubby's response---NOTHING. Most men would have said"She's my wife and it's her house too and if she's not comfortable then it's time for him to find somewhere else" But then my hubby listens to his oldest bro tell him to "go buy a gun and shoot yourself". This is the bully part. This is how the guy talks to everybody and nobody has EVER told him anything back because they're all afraid of him.

 So other brother proceeds to call my hubby and tell him that I did this and I did that and he never did anything to me, and as the man of the house my hubby can let whoever he wants live here...OK, I never said he did anything to ME, it was just getting too uncomfortable for me to be here all day with my hubby's brother(who by the way, I dated back in high school 20 some years ago) but that's neither here nor there. So my hubby makes no effort to defend me or how I felt and agrees that there was no reason for me to say anything. The reason, he hadn't talked to this brother for 12 years and started talking to him a few years ago. Even though they have never been a close family they (in their adult lives) want to "bond" and be brothers again. So my hubby is afraid of the oldest brother and doesn't want to rock the boat with this brother, but at the expense of his wife! They have let their feelings about me known to my husband and he makes no effort to defend me. I'm ready to leave because I've been fighting with him over his family for 11 years and it's not getting any better. I love him dearly and I know he loves me but I'm TIRED and I just want to live MY LIFE!!!!

 

 
August 27, 2009, 8:35 pm CDT

Second part of story.........

Quote From: mylife1352

How do you deal with an overbearing, chauvinistic, bully of a brother-in law????

My husband and I have been together fo 11 years, married for the last 5 of those 11. In the 11 years I have had to deal with every member of his family in one way or another. He is the 3rd boy in a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister. Chauvinistic brother -in-law is the oldest.

 First, my husband let his youngest brother(early 20's) move in with us for a few months, 6 months after we first got together. I didn't say much because I liked the little brother.

 Then we move out of state for my husbands' employment( I wasn't working) and we live with the oldest brother(mid 40's at the time) for a few months until we get a place of our own. It didn't end well.

  A year after we move, the sister (middle child-mid 30's) calls my my future hubby to ask him for a large amount of money.....she's done this with all the brothers for years, oldest brother is the only one that ever gave her money. My future hubby said "no" where sister called older brother and told on my hubby. Older brother procedes to call my fiance, makes him go for a ride with him, and rips him a new one, blaming everything on ME saying that I was greedy. We ended up paying all the sister's over due utility bills and sending her $150.00 cash...all totaling over$500.00. She told everyone we had only sent her $50.00 and ended up leaving her husband(who was a really good guy). Relationship with oldest brother was strained and they didn't talk to each other.....which of course was "my fault". ayear later my fiance was laid off from his job and we moved to another state. The brothers started talking again. We both worked for the same company doing construction and when the job ended we moved to another state.

  We lived in a motel for 4 months until we got our house set up. I still don't work, my husband doesn't want me to so on his days off we can spend time together. We have both been married before so a long time ago we agreed not to make the same mistakes we made in our first marriages, so we decided not to do anything without each other. It works fine for us.

 About 4 months after we got our house set up, he invited a guy that worked with us to stay with us while he tried to get a job. That didn't end well, I had to clean up a mess in the bathroom and bedroom he used....but that's another story. This has a point in my conclusion though.

 About a year after we moved here, oldest brother-in law asked my hubby to send him a copy of his check stub . They had been having conversations about how much money they were each making in the same work industry. I thought it was a wierd thing to ask but my hubby didn't and blacked out all the personal info, made a copy and sent it to him. Two weeks after that was sent, the BIL showed up where we lived for a job interview and 2 months later moved to where we lived. NOW THE FUN STARTS!!!! BIL and his girlfriend at the time(there is bad history between me and a member of her family ) move in with us until they get their own place. YES, it's the same brother we lived with when WE moved to their state. When we lived with them, my hubby paid them rent, we helped with thr grocery bill and I took turns cooking and helped with the cleaning. When they lived with us....NOTHING. She stayed back in her room while the guys were at work, then they would go to town to eat by themselves when BIL got home and helping out with bills--FORGET THAT!! After a few months, it didn't end well where they proced to call me a "controlling, gold digging CUN* with OCD(just because I like a clean house).See, my hubby and I have worked our butts off to develop a nice yard and have a nice house with nice things in it. I once heard DR. Phil say about his wife Robin that "he makes the living and she makes the living worth while" That's how I see our marriage. Now, I have helped with ALL the yard stuff,developing and maintaining, and they continually  give me NO credit. I have my house decorated very tastefully and they see this as being a gold digger because I don't work so my hubbys money(I consider it both our money) is what buys it all. BIL tells my hubby that it's HIS money because he's the man of the house and I shouldn't be able to spend any of it. Making matters worse, my hubby bought me a new Cadillac (which I didn't want-he did) so now I'm REALLY a gold digger.

 Now, in May of this year my hubby moves in his other brother ( in his late 40's) to help him while he gets a job here. Now I'm all for helping a family member out, but THIS IS ENOUGH!!! This is the 3rd family member of his and 4th person he has invited into our home. And guess who gets to clean up after all these people...Shampoo carpets and repaint rooms-ME!!!!!

 Now, this brother lived here for 2 months and out of the 8 weeks he was here, he worked a full time, temporary job for 6 weeks.Plenty of time to save up money to get his own place right? NOPE! So I try to sit him down to get a time frame on hoe much longer he was going to be here and he blowas a fuse and refuses to leave until he talks to my hubby. Now my hubby and I had been fighting over this for a few weeks because I want my privacy back and there was too much wierd stuff happening while my hubby was at work. I needed my space back. Hubby didn't see what my problem was and had no problem with brother staying as long as he needed to. So this brothe calls older chauvinistic brother who proceeds to call my hubby and tells him that "he has no balls and his wife is a gold digging CUN* and he needs to pack her bags and kick her to the curb" My hubby's response---NOTHING. Most men would have said"She's my wife and it's her house too and if she's not comfortable then it's time for him to find somewhere else" But then my hubby listens to his oldest bro tell him to "go buy a gun and shoot yourself". This is the bully part. This is how the guy talks to everybody and nobody has EVER told him anything back because they're all afraid of him.

 So other brother proceeds to call my hubby and tell him that I did this and I did that and he never did anything to me, and as the man of the house my hubby can let whoever he wants live here...OK, I never said he did anything to ME, it was just getting too uncomfortable for me to be here all day with my hubby's brother(who by the way, I dated back in high school 20 some years ago) but that's neither here nor there. So my hubby makes no effort to defend me or how I felt and agrees that there was no reason for me to say anything. The reason, he hadn't talked to this brother for 12 years and started talking to him a few years ago. Even though they have never been a close family they (in their adult lives) want to "bond" and be brothers again. So my hubby is afraid of the oldest brother and doesn't want to rock the boat with this brother, but at the expense of his wife! They have let their feelings about me known to my husband and he makes no effort to defend me. I'm ready to leave because I've been fighting with him over his family for 11 years and it's not getting any better. I love him dearly and I know he loves me but I'm TIRED and I just want to live MY LIFE!!!!

 

My point is that this is the 4th person and 3rd family member my hubby has invited into our home. I'm the one who has to be home with them all day, cook for them and clean up after them. And NONE of them, including this recent brother has helped us out in any way shape or form...not even offering to take out the trash much less help with any bills or yard work!!!  I resent my hubby for doing this to me time after time. Is it any wonder that after a few months I lose patience???!!!
 
First | Prev | 242 | 243 | 244 | 245 | 246 | 247 | Next Page | Last Page