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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Number of Replies: 2467
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:41 am
Author : dataimport
Love them, tolerate them, or despise them? Dealing with the in-laws can be stressful to a marriage. Share your stories and coping strategies.

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August 20, 2005, 6:17 am CDT

I Forgot

Quote From: jenoc99

Go to the party and teach yourself how to relax in this situation, because its not going to clear up by you dissapearing. You've got to show a united front, you and your husband together, to these relatives-- they will either come around with time. I know it is difficult to be somewhere knowing that there are people there who dislike you, but if you do happen to be near them, just smile, say "hi", and keep walking. By not doing that, you are proving them right...and thats what they want more then anything, to be right. As Dr. Phil says, sometimes the need to be right clouds people's judgement, and it sounds like that is whats happening. You admit that nasty things were said, but you were very hurt and emotional, and you felt wronged. There isn't anything you can do to take back the past, all you can do is move forward, and not give these people the power to control the way you feel, even at a family function. I wish you the best!

I forgot about the "being right" thing!  So now it will make me feel better to go and know that I am not going to let them "be right".  I hate to be sort of vindictive, but I just got a new, really good job yesterday, my husband (who had a major back operation last month) got a really good prognosis on his recovery (the doctor said that in a year's time he could probably go back to full-time employment), and we will be getting fairly substantial settlement money in a few months from insurance for my husband's on the job injury, so I will have some really positive things to talk about and that will probably irk my SIL that things on really, really back on the right track for us.  She will probably think that we don't deserve all of the good things that are happening to us because of how bad we both were in the past.  My my.  I will take a nerve pill before I go, or have a couple of beers while I am there.  In my younger days, I didn't used to be so chicken of situations like this.  I would have been brazen, without a nerve pill or a few beers.  

   

What would really be good would be if I had a few family functions at my house and put them in the situation that they have put me in.  

   

I feel so coniving thinking about doing things like that.  

 
August 20, 2005, 5:29 pm CDT

annoying in laws.....

Quote From: shsea1

I forgot about the "being right" thing!  So now it will make me feel better to go and know that I am not going to let them "be right".  I hate to be sort of vindictive, but I just got a new, really good job yesterday, my husband (who had a major back operation last month) got a really good prognosis on his recovery (the doctor said that in a year's time he could probably go back to full-time employment), and we will be getting fairly substantial settlement money in a few months from insurance for my husband's on the job injury, so I will have some really positive things to talk about and that will probably irk my SIL that things on really, really back on the right track for us.  She will probably think that we don't deserve all of the good things that are happening to us because of how bad we both were in the past.  My my.  I will take a nerve pill before I go, or have a couple of beers while I am there.  In my younger days, I didn't used to be so chicken of situations like this.  I would have been brazen, without a nerve pill or a few beers.  

   

What would really be good would be if I had a few family functions at my house and put them in the situation that they have put me in.  

   

I feel so coniving thinking about doing things like that.  

Thats right, you go girl! There is nothing wrong with feeling a bit 'chicken' about the gatherings with his family, you have reasons to be aprehensive. I do want to point out one other thing that Dr. Phil would have something to say about, 

You say:  

"so I will have some really positive things to talk about and that will probably irk my SIL that things on really, really back on the right track for us.  She will probably think that we don't deserve all of the good things that are happening to us because of how bad we both were in the past." 

Dr. Phil would say that you will never know what another person is thinking in their head, you might thing you know,  you might even feel very positive that you think you know, but you don't really actually know and you never will unless that person says it outloud. So remind yourself when you are spreading your good news that if these people can't do or say something nice, thats just because they are jelous! Its sad and sick that relatives cant be happy for your bright future, but its their deep-rooted jelousy that won't allow them to be glad for others. It doesn't matter if you've done or said bad/wrong things in the past, what matters is what you are doing right now. When you can forgive yourself and move forward, good things happen, I suspect thats whats happening to you now. 

 
August 21, 2005, 10:37 am CDT

Husband and Brother cut relationship

My husband and I have had problems with his brother and his sister-in-law since the beginning of our relationship.  Last night my husband actually had to break off his relationship with his brother.  The reason for this break is complicated.  Basically, his brother's wife had been nasty to me since we meet.  I in turn was stupid and childish.  I have apologized to his wife for my behavior.  She in turn has never apologized.  Instead we get excuses or my husbands brother defending her and saying that she didn't do anything hurtful.     

My husband and his brother haven't spoken for over a year.  So about 3 weeks a go I sat down and wrote an email out of my husbands box and had him come and read it and he did.  He liked it and he sent it.  No response.  It was the wrong email address.  He emailed him again not knowing this and reamed him. My husband apologized for his mistake when he called.  But, in order for them to have a relationship his brothers terms were really messed up.  He said that he doesn't want to expose his wife to any situations where there is conflic involved.  She is taken out of the loop becasue he is protecting her.  So she never has to apologize for any actions or take any responsibility.  When my husband said that we don't want that we want more then a close relationship.  His brother told him that he doesn't want more then that and he's find not having my husband in his life.  I wrote him and his wife a letter with everything I've always wanted to say to them.  I don't know if it was the best thing to do.  I know you can't change people.  But what should I do.  I don't know if I can cope with not doing anything.  I sat by for almost1 1/2 years and did nothing.     

Any help ,advice, comments would be appreciated. I'm having a really hard time seeing my husband hurt like this.      

 
August 24, 2005, 7:45 am CDT

Get on with your own lives

Quote From: fiscal29

My husband and I have had problems with his brother and his sister-in-law since the beginning of our relationship.  Last night my husband actually had to break off his relationship with his brother.  The reason for this break is complicated.  Basically, his brother's wife had been nasty to me since we meet.  I in turn was stupid and childish.  I have apologized to his wife for my behavior.  She in turn has never apologized.  Instead we get excuses or my husbands brother defending her and saying that she didn't do anything hurtful.     

My husband and his brother haven't spoken for over a year.  So about 3 weeks a go I sat down and wrote an email out of my husbands box and had him come and read it and he did.  He liked it and he sent it.  No response.  It was the wrong email address.  He emailed him again not knowing this and reamed him. My husband apologized for his mistake when he called.  But, in order for them to have a relationship his brothers terms were really messed up.  He said that he doesn't want to expose his wife to any situations where there is conflic involved.  She is taken out of the loop becasue he is protecting her.  So she never has to apologize for any actions or take any responsibility.  When my husband said that we don't want that we want more then a close relationship.  His brother told him that he doesn't want more then that and he's find not having my husband in his life.  I wrote him and his wife a letter with everything I've always wanted to say to them.  I don't know if it was the best thing to do.  I know you can't change people.  But what should I do.  I don't know if I can cope with not doing anything.  I sat by for almost1 1/2 years and did nothing.     

Any help ,advice, comments would be appreciated. I'm having a really hard time seeing my husband hurt like this.      

I understand how situations can get to this point; I have had similar experiences with my own family, except I wouldn't contact them if they had told me they did not want contact.  Time seems to mellow out everyones' frustrations, I think, because the urgency of what the situations were tend to not be there.  May I suggest that you go about doing your life; you've said whatever was on your mind; it's up to the BIL & SIL to decide what they are going to do. If the SIL doesn't want to be involved, that's okay; she misses out on what could be a positive relationship with her BIL & SIL (you & your husband). In the meantime, let the brothers work out their own relationship; it's not up to you.  Also, I am sure that if this woman your BIL is married to IS as nasty as you say, then he will eventually figure it out, and will more than likely let your husband know. I agree with Dr Phil when he says that we should put up fences for our family; you & your husband need to do this so that your marriage survives. Your husband needs to take care of what is hurting him; if that means he talks to his brother by himself, then that is what he needs to do; your SIL does NOT have to be, nor should be, involved in that; it's between the two brothers. I hope this has helped you! STAY POSITIVE!!!
 
August 24, 2005, 10:35 pm CDT

Holiday Problems... Early..

My husband and I have been together for 4 years actually almost 5 I guess. Anyway. My inlaws are very fake and I feel so upset about so many things but mostly I am trying to figure out holiday stuff early this year. I will have to talk to my husband about this stuff soon as MY IN LAWS love to start pushing me into this stuff way early. First of all, My family is not in the same state as me. My mother and father have passed away, so sharing holidays with them is not the problem for my in laws. My problem is, I know these people do NOT like me. They have talked behind my back and said very awful things. I do not understand why because They have never even got to know me. They have never taken the time. They are assuming what they think and who I am instead of doing the time to really try and like me.  My husband has two brothers and one sister. She was spoiled while growing up and is very proud of this. She actually brags about being a spoiled Bi*** , her words, NOT MINE. before I came in the picture my husband and his brothers spent a lot of time at their sisters house due to the fact that they were single guys and they had no real reason to stay home alone and cook for themselves when they could go there and eat and hang out. She became use to this and liked being CENTER Of attention. knowing all her brothers business and eliminating women that these men would be dating by saying, yeah, but I wouldn't date her because of this or that. Of course my husband and his brothers do not understand that is what she was doing. Well, now with me and my husband together we have 3 kids, a home and a life of our own, Of course he isn't hanging out with his sister. This is not a problem usually. UNTIL THE HOLIDAYS.For Thanksgiving we will be EXPECTED To be there. my problem with that is I am not talked to while there, the guys sit in the living room watching sports, the mom is cooking with the daughter, I will ask, can I help and I am told no, We got it. I don't watch sports so, no need to to the living room. so I sit there doing nothing usually pretty mad the whole time that I am even there. For christmas Me and my husband talked and decided that we would do Christmas at home. My husband told his family, " look we are just going to stay at home for Christmas because (MY WIFE) is use to having a christmas dinner instead of Christmas Breakfast. Well, So, They all come to my house. So, I am not really enjoying my children then that day either and being with my family because I am cleaning, cooking for 20 some people and making sure everything is ok. Now first of all, when I spoke to my husband about having a FAMILY dinner at home for Christmas I was saying, Him, me and our children. NOT The whole family. He did understand that and yet has not changed this situation. MY BIGGEST problem with all this... I probably sound like a terrible person, what kind of person does not want to be with family at the holidays. Well, Here it is, First off, Growing up it was just me and my mom, I would always dream of having a family of my own and spending everyday and dream A LOT about holidays and traditions that would be set for my husband, me and my children. Now here I am cleaning up , cooking or at a house where people can't stand me and as soon as I leave that house or they leave my they are bad mouthing me... I KNOW that for a fact. My feelings are, I can't call these people during the year when there is a problem, happiness or anything huge happening in my life. I don't get calls to go shopping, or to share the kids together, or time spent with them just for fun. They are never there during anything in my life or my kids but they want to spend the hoidays with us? Why? It's just a show to me.  I use to think well, Maybe they don't think I am good enough for their brother/son/grandson. But... Now the other brother is dating a doctor that is VERY successful, gorgeous and yet they hate her. They hate her because she has family and on holidays they go to her family's house. I just feel if  you are family you are family all year long, NOT just the holidays.. and Yes these same things happen for Easter, birthdays and EVEN halloween. It's crazy! Pleas tell me what you would suggest I do to talk to my husband about this and get it through to him about my feelings on this. I understand it's still his family. HOWEVER, I look at my immediate family as my children and my husband. Brothers and sisters grow up, have a family of their own and move on. OR ONE WOULD THINK!  I have no problem with his parents stopping by and seeing the children or having dinner, But I do not feel I should have to invite the sisters and brothers also..,. I do not feel I should have to their house for Thanksgiving if I want my family at home. Am I over reacting. Also Please keep in mind there is SOOOOOOOOO much more to this story. but it would be way too long. Thanks for listening.  

   

   

 
August 25, 2005, 6:53 am CDT

Oh dear - life isn't exactly as you want it!

Quote From: kmlett

My husband and I have been together for 4 years actually almost 5 I guess. Anyway. My inlaws are very fake and I feel so upset about so many things but mostly I am trying to figure out holiday stuff early this year. I will have to talk to my husband about this stuff soon as MY IN LAWS love to start pushing me into this stuff way early. First of all, My family is not in the same state as me. My mother and father have passed away, so sharing holidays with them is not the problem for my in laws. My problem is, I know these people do NOT like me. They have talked behind my back and said very awful things. I do not understand why because They have never even got to know me. They have never taken the time. They are assuming what they think and who I am instead of doing the time to really try and like me.  My husband has two brothers and one sister. She was spoiled while growing up and is very proud of this. She actually brags about being a spoiled Bi*** , her words, NOT MINE. before I came in the picture my husband and his brothers spent a lot of time at their sisters house due to the fact that they were single guys and they had no real reason to stay home alone and cook for themselves when they could go there and eat and hang out. She became use to this and liked being CENTER Of attention. knowing all her brothers business and eliminating women that these men would be dating by saying, yeah, but I wouldn't date her because of this or that. Of course my husband and his brothers do not understand that is what she was doing. Well, now with me and my husband together we have 3 kids, a home and a life of our own, Of course he isn't hanging out with his sister. This is not a problem usually. UNTIL THE HOLIDAYS.For Thanksgiving we will be EXPECTED To be there. my problem with that is I am not talked to while there, the guys sit in the living room watching sports, the mom is cooking with the daughter, I will ask, can I help and I am told no, We got it. I don't watch sports so, no need to to the living room. so I sit there doing nothing usually pretty mad the whole time that I am even there. For christmas Me and my husband talked and decided that we would do Christmas at home. My husband told his family, " look we are just going to stay at home for Christmas because (MY WIFE) is use to having a christmas dinner instead of Christmas Breakfast. Well, So, They all come to my house. So, I am not really enjoying my children then that day either and being with my family because I am cleaning, cooking for 20 some people and making sure everything is ok. Now first of all, when I spoke to my husband about having a FAMILY dinner at home for Christmas I was saying, Him, me and our children. NOT The whole family. He did understand that and yet has not changed this situation. MY BIGGEST problem with all this... I probably sound like a terrible person, what kind of person does not want to be with family at the holidays. Well, Here it is, First off, Growing up it was just me and my mom, I would always dream of having a family of my own and spending everyday and dream A LOT about holidays and traditions that would be set for my husband, me and my children. Now here I am cleaning up , cooking or at a house where people can't stand me and as soon as I leave that house or they leave my they are bad mouthing me... I KNOW that for a fact. My feelings are, I can't call these people during the year when there is a problem, happiness or anything huge happening in my life. I don't get calls to go shopping, or to share the kids together, or time spent with them just for fun. They are never there during anything in my life or my kids but they want to spend the hoidays with us? Why? It's just a show to me.  I use to think well, Maybe they don't think I am good enough for their brother/son/grandson. But... Now the other brother is dating a doctor that is VERY successful, gorgeous and yet they hate her. They hate her because she has family and on holidays they go to her family's house. I just feel if  you are family you are family all year long, NOT just the holidays.. and Yes these same things happen for Easter, birthdays and EVEN halloween. It's crazy! Pleas tell me what you would suggest I do to talk to my husband about this and get it through to him about my feelings on this. I understand it's still his family. HOWEVER, I look at my immediate family as my children and my husband. Brothers and sisters grow up, have a family of their own and move on. OR ONE WOULD THINK!  I have no problem with his parents stopping by and seeing the children or having dinner, But I do not feel I should have to invite the sisters and brothers also..,. I do not feel I should have to their house for Thanksgiving if I want my family at home. Am I over reacting. Also Please keep in mind there is SOOOOOOOOO much more to this story. but it would be way too long. Thanks for listening.  

   

   

Plan nuclear and extended family days.  At the moment you are asking your husband to give up company at home and company outside the home during the holidays.  It's too much given that he doesn't see much of his family during the year. 

  

  

 
August 25, 2005, 7:36 am CDT

RE:Oh dear - life isn't exactly as you want it

Maybe I didn't explain it completely right. I don't take his family out of his life all year long. They do. It's their choice to not be a part of his life during the year. That's what makes me upset. His family talks behind his wifes back,(They have even talked bad about him to his friends trying to get them to slam on HIM) they don't ever do anything to have a relationship with him or me all year long, and then EXPECTS us to be there for the holidays. I could understand if things were normal and they had a relationship all year long. But they don't. So, it's not ME, who takes them out of his life. We have close friends and family that are always there all year long. They are there for my husband, my children and me and we are there for them. So, We all share the stuff through the year, the good the bad, the ugly, then at the holidays when you are suppose to spend time with the people you really care about and love at the holidays and celebrate I am with the people who back stab all year long. This isn't normal. And There  is nothing stopping him from going there. I have told him if he wants to go, why can't he go and then come home when he has had enough time with them. I have tried to compermise with them about getting together with them on Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas with our children on Christmas. They said it wouldn't be the same. Well, It's only the same for them. They are not taking into account that they are ruining my holidays. My children don't get time with their mommy on the holidays that's quality. To me my children and my husband and I should be happy together on those days, NOT just him, and NOT just his family. They are not the only consideration here.  

 
August 25, 2005, 10:31 am CDT

Inlaws and holidays.......

Quote From: kmlett

Maybe I didn't explain it completely right. I don't take his family out of his life all year long. They do. It's their choice to not be a part of his life during the year. That's what makes me upset. His family talks behind his wifes back,(They have even talked bad about him to his friends trying to get them to slam on HIM) they don't ever do anything to have a relationship with him or me all year long, and then EXPECTS us to be there for the holidays. I could understand if things were normal and they had a relationship all year long. But they don't. So, it's not ME, who takes them out of his life. We have close friends and family that are always there all year long. They are there for my husband, my children and me and we are there for them. So, We all share the stuff through the year, the good the bad, the ugly, then at the holidays when you are suppose to spend time with the people you really care about and love at the holidays and celebrate I am with the people who back stab all year long. This isn't normal. And There  is nothing stopping him from going there. I have told him if he wants to go, why can't he go and then come home when he has had enough time with them. I have tried to compermise with them about getting together with them on Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas with our children on Christmas. They said it wouldn't be the same. Well, It's only the same for them. They are not taking into account that they are ruining my holidays. My children don't get time with their mommy on the holidays that's quality. To me my children and my husband and I should be happy together on those days, NOT just him, and NOT just his family. They are not the only consideration here.  

You need to give yourself alot of credit, here....this has been going on for nearly five years and you've tried and tried, and now you have accepted that this just isn't going to work..its not that you haven't tried..you have done all that you can do. Its time to have happy holidays with your husband and children, make memories that they will remember when they grow up and have families of their own. Its time to start your own traditions separate from his family. Who cares what they think or say if you aren't there...you are putting your own happiness and the happiness of your kids FIRST from now on. It sounds like your husband understand and acknowledges how his family "is", right? Its not fair that you are expected to endure this treatment year after year. From now on, you need to come up with a plan for your family for the holidays and stick to it. To have your family home on Christmas morning is wonderful, the kids get to open their presents and play with them, and mom and dad get to share in that. If they don't want to do Christmas eve with you guys, then thats their choice, but you don't have to keep tolerating their treatment of you. Encourage your husband to go on without you if he wants to, but be clear that you've had enough. Don't feel badly about this, you've tried!! I wish you the best!
 
August 25, 2005, 2:24 pm CDT

The choice is ...

Quote From: kmlett

Maybe I didn't explain it completely right. I don't take his family out of his life all year long. They do. It's their choice to not be a part of his life during the year. That's what makes me upset. His family talks behind his wifes back,(They have even talked bad about him to his friends trying to get them to slam on HIM) they don't ever do anything to have a relationship with him or me all year long, and then EXPECTS us to be there for the holidays. I could understand if things were normal and they had a relationship all year long. But they don't. So, it's not ME, who takes them out of his life. We have close friends and family that are always there all year long. They are there for my husband, my children and me and we are there for them. So, We all share the stuff through the year, the good the bad, the ugly, then at the holidays when you are suppose to spend time with the people you really care about and love at the holidays and celebrate I am with the people who back stab all year long. This isn't normal. And There  is nothing stopping him from going there. I have told him if he wants to go, why can't he go and then come home when he has had enough time with them. I have tried to compermise with them about getting together with them on Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas with our children on Christmas. They said it wouldn't be the same. Well, It's only the same for them. They are not taking into account that they are ruining my holidays. My children don't get time with their mommy on the holidays that's quality. To me my children and my husband and I should be happy together on those days, NOT just him, and NOT just his family. They are not the only consideration here.  

Believe me if the in-laws are discussing you with friends at 5 years in then you are giving off a very unfriendly vibe.  At 10 years the only person in my family doing this is my sister because she and my brother have a number of friends in common and those friends continually raise the subject of my sister-in-law's manners.   

  

Isn't it just possible the in-laws feel they have to have an excuse to get you to join in with the family and the holidays are the only thing they can think of. 

 
August 25, 2005, 2:56 pm CDT

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Wow that's amazing that you think you know me so well from a message board. LOL Hey you are intilted to you opinion but.. I really don't care what you say because you sound as hateful as them so .... your post matter very little to me.
 
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