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October 23, 2005, 9:00 am PDT
Anger, frustration, resentment...........
Quote From: marasmomI have a sister-in-law that I cannot stomach! My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and we have 2 children. His family lives 4 hours from us and his mother just recently passed away. Now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with his sister and I do not want to-at all. My choice is, either spend it with a woman I despise or spend it without my husband. I would like some feedback, but before anyone jumps on this-here is the history: It all started when our daughter was born 6 years ago. His sister had a fit because she was not named the Godmother. We had never given her any reason to think she would be-she smoked and drinks heavily and not to mention, she has no control over her own kids and she is just a spaz! Then one year, we were visiting for the 4th of July-and had brought our chocolate lab puppy along. She proceeded to get drunk and started making a scene-calling her own mother a bitch and carrying on about how our "viscious attack dog" had "gouged" her daughter. (They were playing and our puppy jumped up and scratched her arm.) We exchanged words that night and didn't speak to each other for 1 1/2 years--fine by me! I finally agreed to bury the hatchet - no apoogies were ever offered. Everyone else had excused her behavior as "that's just the way she is." My mother-in-law became very ill, so we spent last Christmas with his family, anticipating that this would be her last . My SIL starts in-by making a spectacle out of me, in front of a room full of people-most of whom I had never met before (friends of hers). As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to spend the holidays with strangers, now she has to make snide comments about how I am the "queen"-everyone waits on me and I hadn't helped her do anything all day. This woman is a control freak-to the extreme. I had offered to help, but she didn't need it. My husband is always good about helping out and letting me relax. Plus, my daughter was the youngest child there and nobody was playing with her-so I was keeping her entertained. By the end of the night, my husband and her are shouting at the top of their lungs-she is calling me names and complaining about me to him, as if I am not in the room. Every time I try to defend myself, she reads something else into what I am saying. Eventually, I give up and become concerned about my MIL-as we think she had had a minor heart attack earlier in the day. She is becoming increasingly stressed-she fell in the bathroom. I decided to not feed into my SIL-I just take care of my MIL. I am talking to her, calming her down...when my SIL sits down, points her finger in my face-right in front of this frail woman who looks like she is knocking on death's door! I finally put my hand in her face and told her to shut up-I was not going to do this anymore because of her mother. (oh, I forgot to mention that her own mother had called her a bitch earlier and she actually threw a glass at her!) PSYCHO! We had plans to see a movie in the IMAX theater the next day, but instead, we packed up our stuff and left early the next morning. Our children were upstairs listening to the arguing the whole time. What a way for a 9 and 5 year old to spend Christmas! I am sure her kids are used to her ranting and raving, but my kids are not. So, now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with her! This has always been our one holiday that we spend together. We never go anywhere, or do anything with anyone else. We have never spent Thanksgiving with his family, ever. But now, "it's the first one since mom died" so he feels guilted into going . I am torn because I have told my husband how I feel. I don't care if I ever see her again-I cringe at the sound of her voice or the mention of her name. She stresses me out, as do her kids. I want to spend my traditional Thanksgiving in a nice quiet, peaceful environment, with my family, as I always do. Am I a bad wife for not compromising so my husband can be with his family? The thing that makes me the most angry is that this woman never apologizes. Everyone excuses her behavior because she is nuts. She has untreated adult ADHD and is the biggest drama queen you'd ever meet. I want to be with my husband for Thanksgiving and more importantly, for my children to be with their dad. But, in my heart, it just makes me sick to think of spending another holiday with that woman. Peoplel say they understand why I am angry, but is it wrong of me to STAY so angry? I just don't think I have the energy for her, but I don't want to upset my husband. What do I do? No, you are not a bad wife for not compromising over Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving should be a pleasant time for you and your family. If your husband chooses to feed into his sister's controling nature, so be it... You need to make peace with his choice if he does decide to go there for the holiday. I know that this makes you feel so many different emotions, mostly angry and sad, however, if he does go there for the holiday, you need to have a smile on your face and say to him, "i really wish that you'd stay here and have a peaceful, calm holiday, but I understand your feeling guilty and you are torn, so we will see you when you get back...." You probably can't imagine saying those words and truly meaning it, but when you let him go and allow him to see for himself that YOU ARE RIGHT. The only way he will find out is if he goes, otherwise, he will always think to himself that he is a crappy brother for abandoning his poor sister after their mother died.. even though you and I know thats not the case, thats how she is presenting it to him and trying to gain his sympathy. You know how she is, but because your husband grew up with this drama queen, he is "used" to this behavior as being "normal" and he feels it is neccessary to give her chance after chance. It is reasonable for you to ask that he defend you if she says anything bad about you, and you should request that he bring you up if she doesn't ask about you and the kids, too. He is a grown man, he shouldn't feel torn between his families, you need to be the bigger person and let this woman show your husband what a big b*tch she truly is, I don't think she will dissapoint you!! He will come home and say, "honey, you were right!!"
I wish you the best!
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