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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws
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October 26, 2005, 7:39 pm PDT
 Quote From: karen9845 You poor thing. Is there any chance you can move to another state? We live two states away from my in-laws and it works out great. All MIL drive us nuts let's just face it and ignore them. My MIL wants my daughter to call her MOM. I'm done with her.. I've had enough |
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October 27, 2005, 6:16 am PDT
Quote From: zulutango I am a first time mom of a beautiful 4 month old daughter, and I am already having issues with my MIL. First of all I would like to explain my MIL to get the whole picture. She is divorced and she has one child which is her son. She does not have a lot of family. She has a sister but she is not close to her. Her mom passed away a couple years ago. We are basically all she has for family. She also has a very controlling personality, I have a very passive personality. Weare complete oppisites. Now that I have said that here is my problem, she lives only 15minutes away. There has not been one week that has gone by where she has not seen my daughter since the day she has been born. She sees her twice a week now. When she does see her she makes comments such as "are you grammies girl", "say I love you grammie", "stop crying your giving me a complex", "im goning to give you what ever your little heart desires"(she knows I am very aginst spoiling), "you must get your temper from your irish side"(i am irish). Anyway I could go on and on. I am a very sensitive person, should these things bother me? I know soon my daughter will start to understand her and that's what scares me. This woman is obviously going to be seeing my daughter a alot. She is also semi-retired, she has a lot of time on her hands. She used to dream of traveling, now she says she will not travel because she could not be away from my granddaughter for more than a week. What I need to know is, should I talk to her and if so, how do I dom it without hurting her feelings. Or do I just not let those things get to me because this is normal for grandmas? I just want to do the right thing, any advice would be greatly apreciated. You admit you are a very sensitive person. When I read your post I was reminded of when my oldest daughter, who is now 14, was born and how my MIL acted towards her... it was very simular to your MIL! She did and said those kinds of things, and it bugged me... but I always knew that she had my daughter's best interests in mind, and it sounds like your MIl does, too. She wants to give love to this precious new life, and as long as she isn't being harmful, you shouldn't do or say anything about it. Sure it would be great if your MIL could have firmer boundaries, but she doesn't, and since you are a bit passive, you need to get a thicker skin when it comes to this stuff. What is wrong with her saying "you are a grammy's girl?" its not harmful, this is her only grandchild and forging a strong bond is a healthy thing. People complain when grandparents aren't involved enough, and people complain when they are too involved- my advice is that seeing the child twice a week isn't over-involved.. atleast not at this time. Relax, mom! Your baby is only 4 months old, she can't be spoiled yet... and in the long run, grammy can't spoil her unless you allow her to, but seeing her twice a week isn't the same as being spoiled. As time goes on and your baby gets older, don't let MIL interfere if or when you need to enforce rules with your child. From the very beginning, your MIL needs to know that behavior won't be tolerated. You are doing fine!! |
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October 27, 2005, 8:51 am PDT
Quote From: jenoc99 You admit you are a very sensitive person. When I read your post I was reminded of when my oldest daughter, who is now 14, was born and how my MIL acted towards her... it was very simular to your MIL! She did and said those kinds of things, and it bugged me... but I always knew that she had my daughter's best interests in mind, and it sounds like your MIl does, too. She wants to give love to this precious new life, and as long as she isn't being harmful, you shouldn't do or say anything about it. Sure it would be great if your MIL could have firmer boundaries, but she doesn't, and since you are a bit passive, you need to get a thicker skin when it comes to this stuff. What is wrong with her saying "you are a grammy's girl?" its not harmful, this is her only grandchild and forging a strong bond is a healthy thing. People complain when grandparents aren't involved enough, and people complain when they are too involved- my advice is that seeing the child twice a week isn't over-involved.. atleast not at this time. Relax, mom! Your baby is only 4 months old, she can't be spoiled yet... and in the long run, grammy can't spoil her unless you allow her to, but seeing her twice a week isn't the same as being spoiled. As time goes on and your baby gets older, don't let MIL interfere if or when you need to enforce rules with your child. From the very beginning, your MIL needs to know that behavior won't be tolerated. You are doing fine!! Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate your honesty. |
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October 27, 2005, 5:46 pm PDT
My husband is a wonderful man and treats me great...until the issue involves his parents and then he becomes like a beast. His parents are nice to my face but then they say mean things about me behind my back. My husband tells me the things that they say because the things 'concern' him too. They usually involve everything from my housecleaning skills, to my decisions in how I raise the baby, to how I take care of our dogs, the list could go on forever. I can always tell when they've been talking bad about me again because my husband is treating me like crap and nitpicking everything about what I do. I finally told myself I had had enough and realized that if he wasn't going to stand up for me, I would stand up for myself. Since they were never saying these things to my face I didn't think it was my place to stop it. I told my husband that I would appreciate it from now on if when they start to talk about me he would put an end to it and say if they had a concern or issue with me that they were to bring it up with me. He said it wasn't his place to do that. I told him that until the issue was resolved I didn't want the baby to be left unsupervised around his parents because I couldn't trust what they were saying about me. He thought that was ridiculous. I also told him that I no longer felt comfortable around them because I was tired of the backstabbing so anytime they planned on being at our house I would conveniently be gone. He got really mad at me for all this and started yelling at me (all this is taking place over the phone by the way because he works so many hours and we never get a chance to talk in person). Anyway, when he started yelling I calmly asked him to stop. When he didn't I hung up on him. He called back and told me never to do that again. I told him that if he couldn't talk to me without yelling then I would hang up again. He started yelling again and I hung up again. After the 3rd time of doing this he learned his lesson and quit yelling at me. On two occasions (over a two day period), he invited his parents over without talking to me about it. I took the baby and left the house. He called wondering where I was. I told him when they left I would return home. He told me that our baby was his too and he wanted her home to see his parents. I said as long as I couldn't trust them they couldn't see her. He said that he was the master of the home and his word was final and he was ordering me to come home and it was my place to obey. He told me as far as he was concerned I could return home right then, pack up my stuff and leave. Now mind you, I'm 8 months pregnant with our second child. Well, things blew over and he apologized for all the things he had said, but still he hasn't had a discussion with his parents and I'm worried that all this is going to pop up again. I asked him to go to counselling with me and he refused. He said that I was the one with all the problems, not him, so there was no need for him to go. As long as we have limited contact with his parents, things are great. Once they get involved though things go horribly wrong and he's like a different person. They talk to him, by phone, at least 15 times a day (no lie). They are extremely controlling and possessive of him. they want to be involved in every decision he makes for our family. If he doesn't include them they pout and threaten to cut off all ties with him. So he caves. Meanwhile he's verbally abusive and controlling with me. If I dare voice my opinion regarding their treatment of me he screams and yells at me and tells me I have serious mental problems and need to seek professional help (end of discussion). How can I get past this blockade he's put up? How can I stand up for myself when I know that already he's told me twice to pack up and leave when I go against 'his wishes'? I have no support structure around me. I'm a stay at home mom and live in a city where there's really not a lot for me to get involved in. I don't have friends or family in the area so I'm all on my own in this battle. And I'm losing. When I give in to them they are happy, but I'm miserable. What do I do?
Laura |
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October 27, 2005, 6:46 pm PDT
Quote From: copwife921 My husband is a wonderful man and treats me great...until the issue involves his parents and then he becomes like a beast. His parents are nice to my face but then they say mean things about me behind my back. My husband tells me the things that they say because the things 'concern' him too. They usually involve everything from my housecleaning skills, to my decisions in how I raise the baby, to how I take care of our dogs, the list could go on forever. I can always tell when they've been talking bad about me again because my husband is treating me like crap and nitpicking everything about what I do. I finally told myself I had had enough and realized that if he wasn't going to stand up for me, I would stand up for myself. Since they were never saying these things to my face I didn't think it was my place to stop it. I told my husband that I would appreciate it from now on if when they start to talk about me he would put an end to it and say if they had a concern or issue with me that they were to bring it up with me. He said it wasn't his place to do that. I told him that until the issue was resolved I didn't want the baby to be left unsupervised around his parents because I couldn't trust what they were saying about me. He thought that was ridiculous. I also told him that I no longer felt comfortable around them because I was tired of the backstabbing so anytime they planned on being at our house I would conveniently be gone. He got really mad at me for all this and started yelling at me (all this is taking place over the phone by the way because he works so many hours and we never get a chance to talk in person). Anyway, when he started yelling I calmly asked him to stop. When he didn't I hung up on him. He called back and told me never to do that again. I told him that if he couldn't talk to me without yelling then I would hang up again. He started yelling again and I hung up again. After the 3rd time of doing this he learned his lesson and quit yelling at me. On two occasions (over a two day period), he invited his parents over without talking to me about it. I took the baby and left the house. He called wondering where I was. I told him when they left I would return home. He told me that our baby was his too and he wanted her home to see his parents. I said as long as I couldn't trust them they couldn't see her. He said that he was the master of the home and his word was final and he was ordering me to come home and it was my place to obey. He told me as far as he was concerned I could return home right then, pack up my stuff and leave. Now mind you, I'm 8 months pregnant with our second child. Well, things blew over and he apologized for all the things he had said, but still he hasn't had a discussion with his parents and I'm worried that all this is going to pop up again. I asked him to go to counselling with me and he refused. He said that I was the one with all the problems, not him, so there was no need for him to go. As long as we have limited contact with his parents, things are great. Once they get involved though things go horribly wrong and he's like a different person. They talk to him, by phone, at least 15 times a day (no lie). They are extremely controlling and possessive of him. they want to be involved in every decision he makes for our family. If he doesn't include them they pout and threaten to cut off all ties with him. So he caves. Meanwhile he's verbally abusive and controlling with me. If I dare voice my opinion regarding their treatment of me he screams and yells at me and tells me I have serious mental problems and need to seek professional help (end of discussion). How can I get past this blockade he's put up? How can I stand up for myself when I know that already he's told me twice to pack up and leave when I go against 'his wishes'? I have no support structure around me. I'm a stay at home mom and live in a city where there's really not a lot for me to get involved in. I don't have friends or family in the area so I'm all on my own in this battle. And I'm losing. When I give in to them they are happy, but I'm miserable. What do I do?
Laura I feel for you; your husband is losing it big time; he's controlled by HIS family (it sounds maybe mostly by his mother) and then he, instead of standing his ground with THEM, he takes it out on you! I would suggest that you go to counselling and learn how to cope with this; you MUST take care of yourself, since you have the first child to take care of as well as your unborn baby; the stress you're under cannot be healthy for you. You have to take control over what you can, and not allow yourself to get pulled in to the crap his family dishes out. I hope that you can find some type of counselor in your area; usually there are listings under the county for mental health services. Your husband is abusing you, and, if your other child is around when this is going on, abusing the child too. You cannot wait for him to decide he's had enough of the situation with his family. Right now, you and him have a family & it's vital that both of you take that responsibility seriously and without interferrance from anyone else. I'm praying for you; I hope we can see that things are going better soon for you. |
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October 29, 2005, 2:25 am PDT
Quote From: marasmom I have a sister-in-law that I cannot stomach! My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and we have 2 children. His family lives 4 hours from us and his mother just recently passed away. Now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with his sister and I do not want to-at all. My choice is, either spend it with a woman I despise or spend it without my husband. I would like some feedback, but before anyone jumps on this-here is the history: It all started when our daughter was born 6 years ago. His sister had a fit because she was not named the Godmother. We had never given her any reason to think she would be-she smoked and drinks heavily and not to mention, she has no control over her own kids and she is just a spaz! Then one year, we were visiting for the 4th of July-and had brought our chocolate lab puppy along. She proceeded to get drunk and started making a scene-calling her own mother a bitch and carrying on about how our "viscious attack dog" had "gouged" her daughter. (They were playing and our puppy jumped up and scratched her arm.) We exchanged words that night and didn't speak to each other for 1 1/2 years--fine by me! I finally agreed to bury the hatchet - no apoogies were ever offered. Everyone else had excused her behavior as "that's just the way she is." My mother-in-law became very ill, so we spent last Christmas with his family, anticipating that this would be her last . My SIL starts in-by making a spectacle out of me, in front of a room full of people-most of whom I had never met before (friends of hers). As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to spend the holidays with strangers, now she has to make snide comments about how I am the "queen"-everyone waits on me and I hadn't helped her do anything all day. This woman is a control freak-to the extreme. I had offered to help, but she didn't need it. My husband is always good about helping out and letting me relax. Plus, my daughter was the youngest child there and nobody was playing with her-so I was keeping her entertained. By the end of the night, my husband and her are shouting at the top of their lungs-she is calling me names and complaining about me to him, as if I am not in the room. Every time I try to defend myself, she reads something else into what I am saying. Eventually, I give up and become concerned about my MIL-as we think she had had a minor heart attack earlier in the day. She is becoming increasingly stressed-she fell in the bathroom. I decided to not feed into my SIL-I just take care of my MIL. I am talking to her, calming her down...when my SIL sits down, points her finger in my face-right in front of this frail woman who looks like she is knocking on death's door! I finally put my hand in her face and told her to shut up-I was not going to do this anymore because of her mother. (oh, I forgot to mention that her own mother had called her a bitch earlier and she actually threw a glass at her!) PSYCHO! We had plans to see a movie in the IMAX theater the next day, but instead, we packed up our stuff and left early the next morning. Our children were upstairs listening to the arguing the whole time. What a way for a 9 and 5 year old to spend Christmas! I am sure her kids are used to her ranting and raving, but my kids are not. So, now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with her! This has always been our one holiday that we spend together. We never go anywhere, or do anything with anyone else. We have never spent Thanksgiving with his family, ever. But now, "it's the first one since mom died" so he feels guilted into going . I am torn because I have told my husband how I feel. I don't care if I ever see her again-I cringe at the sound of her voice or the mention of her name. She stresses me out, as do her kids. I want to spend my traditional Thanksgiving in a nice quiet, peaceful environment, with my family, as I always do. Am I a bad wife for not compromising so my husband can be with his family? The thing that makes me the most angry is that this woman never apologizes. Everyone excuses her behavior because she is nuts. She has untreated adult ADHD and is the biggest drama queen you'd ever meet. I want to be with my husband for Thanksgiving and more importantly, for my children to be with their dad. But, in my heart, it just makes me sick to think of spending another holiday with that woman. Peoplel say they understand why I am angry, but is it wrong of me to STAY so angry? I just don't think I have the energy for her, but I don't want to upset my husband. What do I do? if you truly dont want to go to sis in laws for the holiday, (and after what i read, why would you?) stand your ground. that is no environment for your children, husband or yourself. make your traditional holiday meal, and if need be have it with just your children. if your husband decides to go to his sister, it is his choice. be willing to listen when he comes home; he is bound to have some sister horror stories, and be VERY thankful that you dont live close enough to her that you have to have regluar contact. |
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October 29, 2005, 3:27 am PDT
This is my problem I'll try not to be too long. At the end of my hubby's 40th b-day party my bil decided to lite a joint while sitting on my deck with another coulple. I told him (I promise nicely!) 'please don't lite that here' he looked at me filcked his bic and lit up then smoked it at the bottom of the deck stairs. The husband of the other couple made a comment about the joint being so small 'I don't know why your bothering'. I got REALLY REALLY upset. Now my hubby was...well...drunk and wouldn't have noticed a raccoon sitting on his lap, so I know he didn't see. I told him the next day and all I got from him each time I tried to talk about it was 'I didn't see it' and 'what do you want me to do?'. This is what I got for 3 days, so on the nite of the 3rd day I called my mil since my bil lives in her basement. As a courtesy "heads up" kind of thing. (he's 36 BTW) All I did was tell he what happend and that all I was going to say to him was: "If you can't be here for the time your ride is here without doing that crap then either start taking your own car or don't come at all". Which hopefully would 've been the end of it but with this bil NO WAY. All issues with this bil end up in a fight (usually physical) and screaming and yelling (my mil has told my hubby and I to leave before)(yes we've had problems with this bil in the past). A year ago my bil ( actually both my bil's and a friend of 1) lit up a joint in my mil's garage, my hubby wen out and told them to put that stuff away that he (and I) didn't want it around our children. (boys 11 and 9). So he already knew. My mil wouldn't let me interrupt the crown prince's dinner so I said I'd call back. In the meantime she went off on him, he preceeds to call my house swearing at me asking me 'who the I think I am' then hung up on me. My hubby made me call back and this bil told me 'never call here again'. They wouldn't answer the phone until my hubby called from his cell. (guess they thought it was me). My hubby told my mil that we didn't want this bro around our children anymore and that as long a he's living with her the boys will only be over with one or both of us. (no more sleep overs). She hung up on him both times he told her that. Now he's waffling. See we're supposed to go away in Dec for a weekend and she was going to watch the boys but now I'm saying "no way" as long as that bro is in the house. Today I told my hubby that his mom has 2 choices either stay at our house or have his bro stay at a motel for the weekend from when he gets out of work Fri until after we pick them up on Sun. After the 2nd phone call with his mom he got all nervous we wouldn't have anyone to watch the boys so I asked my mother if she would. No my hubby is siding with my mil saying what she's saying that "I'm keeping her from the boys". She can come anytime to the house without calling just come and the sleepovers can resume when my bil moves out. Did I fail to mention that when I told my mother what happened she said to me that she noticed my bil smoking a 'really small cigarette and didn't blow out the smoke' this was way before he did it in front of me and at that time not only were my kids there my brother's kids and pregnant wife and my friend's kids were there too. OH and my 11 yr old kept asking why we were mad at his uncle and after trying to be evasive he asked if it was because "he smoked in the cellar" he didn't see him smoke but my son said he smelled funny smoke, "like cigarettes but not really" "it was like cigarettes and burning leaves at the same time". That was followed with 2 days of 'where does uncle get this from? Why does he smoke it? What does it look like? How does he make it into a cigarette to smoke? Am I being too harsh by not allowing my boys to sleep over my mil's house until my bil moves out? (it's been 'soon' for a year). I really really feel strongly about this and I'm really really mad and hurt because my hubby isn't backing me up on this. He's threatened to cancel the weekend which I have said fine to. Then he gets mad because we'll loose our $300 deposit. I'm so mad and hurt as far as I'm concerned it's money well spent! My mother and best friend say 'stick to your guns' and I feel it's the right thing to do. Am I wrong?
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October 29, 2005, 3:36 am PDT
Quote From: marasmom I have a sister-in-law that I cannot stomach! My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and we have 2 children. His family lives 4 hours from us and his mother just recently passed away. Now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with his sister and I do not want to-at all. My choice is, either spend it with a woman I despise or spend it without my husband. I would like some feedback, but before anyone jumps on this-here is the history: It all started when our daughter was born 6 years ago. His sister had a fit because she was not named the Godmother. We had never given her any reason to think she would be-she smoked and drinks heavily and not to mention, she has no control over her own kids and she is just a spaz! Then one year, we were visiting for the 4th of July-and had brought our chocolate lab puppy along. She proceeded to get drunk and started making a scene-calling her own mother a bitch and carrying on about how our "viscious attack dog" had "gouged" her daughter. (They were playing and our puppy jumped up and scratched her arm.) We exchanged words that night and didn't speak to each other for 1 1/2 years--fine by me! I finally agreed to bury the hatchet - no apoogies were ever offered. Everyone else had excused her behavior as "that's just the way she is." My mother-in-law became very ill, so we spent last Christmas with his family, anticipating that this would be her last . My SIL starts in-by making a spectacle out of me, in front of a room full of people-most of whom I had never met before (friends of hers). As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to spend the holidays with strangers, now she has to make snide comments about how I am the "queen"-everyone waits on me and I hadn't helped her do anything all day. This woman is a control freak-to the extreme. I had offered to help, but she didn't need it. My husband is always good about helping out and letting me relax. Plus, my daughter was the youngest child there and nobody was playing with her-so I was keeping her entertained. By the end of the night, my husband and her are shouting at the top of their lungs-she is calling me names and complaining about me to him, as if I am not in the room. Every time I try to defend myself, she reads something else into what I am saying. Eventually, I give up and become concerned about my MIL-as we think she had had a minor heart attack earlier in the day. She is becoming increasingly stressed-she fell in the bathroom. I decided to not feed into my SIL-I just take care of my MIL. I am talking to her, calming her down...when my SIL sits down, points her finger in my face-right in front of this frail woman who looks like she is knocking on death's door! I finally put my hand in her face and told her to shut up-I was not going to do this anymore because of her mother. (oh, I forgot to mention that her own mother had called her a bitch earlier and she actually threw a glass at her!) PSYCHO! We had plans to see a movie in the IMAX theater the next day, but instead, we packed up our stuff and left early the next morning. Our children were upstairs listening to the arguing the whole time. What a way for a 9 and 5 year old to spend Christmas! I am sure her kids are used to her ranting and raving, but my kids are not. So, now he wants to spend Thanksgiving with her! This has always been our one holiday that we spend together. We never go anywhere, or do anything with anyone else. We have never spent Thanksgiving with his family, ever. But now, "it's the first one since mom died" so he feels guilted into going . I am torn because I have told my husband how I feel. I don't care if I ever see her again-I cringe at the sound of her voice or the mention of her name. She stresses me out, as do her kids. I want to spend my traditional Thanksgiving in a nice quiet, peaceful environment, with my family, as I always do. Am I a bad wife for not compromising so my husband can be with his family? The thing that makes me the most angry is that this woman never apologizes. Everyone excuses her behavior because she is nuts. She has untreated adult ADHD and is the biggest drama queen you'd ever meet. I want to be with my husband for Thanksgiving and more importantly, for my children to be with their dad. But, in my heart, it just makes me sick to think of spending another holiday with that woman. Peoplel say they understand why I am angry, but is it wrong of me to STAY so angry? I just don't think I have the energy for her, but I don't want to upset my husband. What do I do? I say "stick to your guns!!" Your husband should be on your side and want to protect you and his children from the rantings of an obviously unbalanced person. If he insists on going the kids should stay with you (they should be subjected to that) and make the best of it. Then when he comes home with a sister story listen nicely then ask him (nicely) "what lesson have you learned?" Hopefully he'll get it. I wish you well. |
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October 29, 2005, 4:41 am PDT
My Mil always made her attacks on me in the form of snyde, passive aggressive comments, or set me up (sabotage me) into situations to make it lok like I'm out to hurt her. She used to hurt me pretty bad, just about every time I saw her. She would say things that ranged from attacks about my 'dysfunctional family/past' to ways I'm living now. Actually, she would say anything she could about anything under the sun just to get to me. She would say the nastiest things, but of course act like she was talking about her "friend whose daughter has a friend...". I don't think I cared as bad about her as I did about my husbands response to it. He told me I was crazy, that I had family issues and didn't know what it was like for a normal family to be. Or he would listen, as I cried, and hold me and tell me that his mom has issues, always has, and wish she would just stop; but he couldn't stop her because he had to feel sorry for her. He told me all about her past, her jealousy issues, her insecurities. But he also told her about mine. And she used that against me, in the form of snyde shots, when no one else was around. I finally had enough when I started getting the suspicion that she was taking her hate out on my daughter. I got into contact with others in the family, and set them straight on some completely unfounded rumors that she started about me and I quit trying to have a relationship with her. My husband doesn't say anything to me about how I had to reach out to others in his family to help me. Now he says that he doesn't blame me for anything. But he also says I made a big deal out of his mom because she is like this to everyone, but nobody else "has to call her out on it". I wish I didn't have to reach out to other members in his family to have my name cleared. I was assured everyone knew she was full of it. She is the most nastiest and hateful woman I have ever known. My problem is with my husband. I've read the book, "Toxic in-laws" and it describes to a- t - what this woman is and is about.. He knows she is nasty but it is easier for him to feel sorry for her about it then to do anything. I don't feel sorry for her, at all- she is a perfectly capable human being just like the rest of us. I want her to stop creating things about me so that I look so bad ( so that everyone will feel sorry for her), and I want the disrespectful comments to stop. I just assume not have anything to do wilth her- I am fine with that now. I don't even want her to like and accept me anymore. But I have to do this on my own. Does anyone else have a "man" like this? He makes for a hell of a son. I'm not exactly asking him to choose me over her. What I'm asking for is him to back me up. She pretends like she doesn't know what she did, you kinow, acts all choked up, like she's on the verge of tears because I'm so mean, because I cleared my name. And he knows what she did, those thousands of comments. But he won't stand up for me and say he knows. Anybody got some suggestions. Thanks |
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October 29, 2005, 7:47 am PDT
Quote From: smiley0506 My Mil always made her attacks on me in the form of snyde, passive aggressive comments, or set me up (sabotage me) into situations to make it lok like I'm out to hurt her. She used to hurt me pretty bad, just about every time I saw her. She would say things that ranged from attacks about my 'dysfunctional family/past' to ways I'm living now. Actually, she would say anything she could about anything under the sun just to get to me. She would say the nastiest things, but of course act like she was talking about her "friend whose daughter has a friend...". I don't think I cared as bad about her as I did about my husbands response to it. He told me I was crazy, that I had family issues and didn't know what it was like for a normal family to be. Or he would listen, as I cried, and hold me and tell me that his mom has issues, always has, and wish she would just stop; but he couldn't stop her because he had to feel sorry for her. He told me all about her past, her jealousy issues, her insecurities. But he also told her about mine. And she used that against me, in the form of snyde shots, when no one else was around. I finally had enough when I started getting the suspicion that she was taking her hate out on my daughter. I got into contact with others in the family, and set them straight on some completely unfounded rumors that she started about me and I quit trying to have a relationship with her. My husband doesn't say anything to me about how I had to reach out to others in his family to help me. Now he says that he doesn't blame me for anything. But he also says I made a big deal out of his mom because she is like this to everyone, but nobody else "has to call her out on it". I wish I didn't have to reach out to other members in his family to have my name cleared. I was assured everyone knew she was full of it. She is the most nastiest and hateful woman I have ever known. My problem is with my husband. I've read the book, "Toxic in-laws" and it describes to a- t - what this woman is and is about.. He knows she is nasty but it is easier for him to feel sorry for her about it then to do anything. I don't feel sorry for her, at all- she is a perfectly capable human being just like the rest of us. I want her to stop creating things about me so that I look so bad ( so that everyone will feel sorry for her), and I want the disrespectful comments to stop. I just assume not have anything to do wilth her- I am fine with that now. I don't even want her to like and accept me anymore. But I have to do this on my own. Does anyone else have a "man" like this? He makes for a hell of a son. I'm not exactly asking him to choose me over her. What I'm asking for is him to back me up. She pretends like she doesn't know what she did, you kinow, acts all choked up, like she's on the verge of tears because I'm so mean, because I cleared my name. And he knows what she did, those thousands of comments. But he won't stand up for me and say he knows. Anybody got some suggestions. Thanks I'm glad for you that you read "toxic in-laws," I credit that book with changing my life! I used to really allow my in-laws to drag me down and make me depressed. But after reading the book, I had to admit that I was the one allowing them to control my feelings, and that was equal to letting them win, which was the LAST thing I ever wanted to do, and it sounds as though you feel the same way. You want to come out ahead, you want to come out on top, smelling like roses, right? You have the power to do that, whether your husband stands by you or not... of course it would be nice if he did, but it sounds like he isn't. THink about his reasons for being like this: he is afraid of change. This is all he has ever known, and it is a comfort zone. Even though it is a very chaotic comfort zone, its still the only one he has ever known. Sometimes, people get so used to the chaos, that is what they are most comfortable with. ITs very sad. Perhaps your husband and his mother believe that they aren't worthy of having healthy, happy relationships, and this is why they sabotage themselves. Your MIL likes to be the victim, and your husband is more then happy to allow her that role... while he's at it, since he is comfortable with the women in his life being victims, he will allow you to feel like a victim, too. The only thing is that now, he is supposed to be the 'hero' and 'save' you women... but he's not doing that.. and the reason is because somehow, he is getting some kind of payoff. My advice to you is to analyze what kind of payoff he is getting for not standing up for you. They are probably all toxic, dysfunctional payoffs, but I'm sure they are the kind of payoffs that he is very comfortable to have in his life because he has never known life without them. My other advice to you is to go to chapter 10 in 'toxic in-laws' page 189 and read from there. I wish you luck!! |
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