Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

This is my problem I'll try not to be too long. At the end of my hubby's 40th b-day party my bil decided to lite a joint while sitting on my deck with another coulple. I told him (I promise nicely!) 'please don't lite that here' he looked at me filcked his bic and lit up then smoked it at the bottom of the deck stairs. The husband of the other couple made a comment about the joint being so small 'I don't know why your bothering'. I got REALLY REALLY upset. Now my hubby was...well...drunk and wouldn't have noticed a raccoon sitting on his lap, so I know he didn't see. I told him the next day and all I got from him each time I tried to talk about it was 'I didn't see it' and 'what do you want me to do?'. This is what I got for 3 days, so on the nite of the 3rd day I called my mil since my bil lives in her basement. As a courtesy "heads up" kind of thing. (he's 36 BTW) All I did was tell he what happend and that all I was going to say to him was: "If you can't be here for the time your ride is here without doing that crap then either start taking your own car or don't come at all". Which hopefully would 've been the end of it but with this bil NO WAY. All issues with this bil end up in a fight (usually physical) and screaming and yelling (my mil has told my hubby and I to leave before)(yes we've had problems with this bil in the past). A year ago my bil ( actually both my bil's and a friend of 1) lit up a joint in my mil's garage, my hubby wen out and told them to put that stuff away that he (and I) didn't want it around our children. (boys 11 and 9). So he already knew. My mil wouldn't let me interrupt the crown prince's dinner so I said I'd call back. In the meantime she went off on him, he preceeds to call my house swearing at me asking me 'who the f*** I think I am' then hung up on me. My hubby made me call back and this bil told me 'never call here again'. They wouldn't answer the phone until my hubby called from his cell. (guess they thought it was me). My hubby told my mil that we didn't want this bro around our children anymore and that as long a he's living with her the boys will only be over with one or both of us. (no more sleep overs). She hung up on him both times he told her that. Now he's waffling. See we're supposed to go away in Dec for a weekend and she was going to watch the boys but now I'm saying "no way" as long as that bro is in the house. Today I told my hubby that his mom has 2 choices either stay at our house or have his bro stay at a motel for the weekend from when he gets out of work Fri until after we pick them up on Sun. After the 2nd phone call with his mom he got all nervous we wouldn't have anyone to watch the boys so I asked my mother if she would. No my hubby is siding with my mil saying what she's saying that "I'm keeping her from the boys". She can come anytime to the house without calling just come and the sleepovers can resume when my bil moves out.  Did I fail to mention that when I told my mother what happened she said to me that she noticed my bil smoking a 'really small cigarette and didn't blow out the smoke' this was way before he did it in front of me and at that time not only were my kids there my brother's kids and pregnant wife and my friend's kids were there too. OH and my 11 yr old kept asking why we were mad at his uncle and after trying to be evasive he asked if it was because "he smoked in the cellar" he didn't see him smoke but my son said he smelled funny smoke, "like cigarettes but not really" "it was like cigarettes and burning leaves at the same time". That was followed with 2 days of 'where does uncle get this from? Why does he smoke it? What does it look like? How does he make it into a cigarette to smoke? Am I being too harsh by not allowing my boys to sleep over my mil's house until my bil moves out? (it's been 'soon' for a year). I really really feel strongly about this and I'm really really mad and hurt because my hubby isn't backing me up on this. He's threatened to cancel the weekend which I have said fine to. Then he gets mad because we'll loose our $300 deposit. I'm so mad and hurt as far as I'm concerned it's money well spent! My mother and best friend say 'stick to your guns' and I feel it's the right thing to do. Am I wrong? 

I have found that the only way to deal with my mothe-in-law of thirty years is to never step foot in her house and forbid her to step foot in mine. 

She is a very controlling woman to the point that her sons, aged 71 and 75, become 10 and 14 year-olds in her presence.  My husband (aged 71) has very severe health problems which she refuses to acknowledge and will go out of her way to make worse.  Unfortunately, as the saying goes "only the good die young," this woman will live to 500!