Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Have you ever been to visit with your fiance's family at their home?  Do you know what his cultural expectations are?  Do you know the cost of items that his parents need to survive on a daily basis?  Are they just getting by with his funds or would they be able to cut back a little?   It's very possible that he comes from a culture where it is expected that the children will provide for the parents once they are financially able to do so.  This may be very true as you said that his mother spent her entire retirement fund on his college education.  Do you know what his family will expect from you after you are married?  after you have children?   My SIL is from Chile.  When her family comes to visit, she is expected to take care of every need that they have (food, transportation, etc.).  However, the same is done when she and my brother go to visit her family.  Her parents are still young and working, but they do support both of her grandmothers.  My brother is fully aware of the fact that they may one day have to send money home to support her parents.  At this time there is no amount, but they do realize this will be an expectation.   Maybe instead of looking at just the amount that he sends home, look at the total that he spends in a year.  Are there some items purchased when they are here that really aren't necessary?  When they come, do they expect to eat out for every meal?  Maybe some could be cooked at home.  Not that this is a solution, but perhaps is some expense could be cut from the visit, this would allow more to be sent home.   Again, this may be a cultural expectation so I would try to determine this before setting up a different amount.

You say that you started shopping for the baby very early.  Was it too early?  Could this have somehow offended her?  We told my parents and my in-laws when I was 10 weeks pregnant (mother's day present to them).  We asked that they not tell anyone or start buying anything until we were ready for them to do so.  We explained our reasoning was because my mother had a miscarriage at 20 weeks.  We also told them it was because a few months prior a pregnancy test came back positive, but things happened before I was able to make it to the doctor.  My MIL purchased a crib and changing table for her house the very next week.  Needless to say I was very upset.  Perhaps something similar, though not as drastic, happened and neither your son or DIL voiced it to you. 

  

Without seeing the baby, I would still try to be a part of its life.  We have not spoken to my in-laws (for very many reasons) in nearly 9 months.  However, my husband and I agree that they are my sons grandparents and should therefor have a relationship with him if they so desire.  I send holiday cards to my grandparents and my husbands.  I have now added my in-laws to the list and send them from my son.  I would just send little random cards to your grandbaby to let the baby (and the parents) know you are thinking of it.  Maybe even start a little journal.  I gave a journal to both my mom and MIL when my son was born so that they could write thoughts in it and give it to him when he graduated from high school (or whenever they felt it was appropriate).  I would not put in any negatives about your son and DIL, just how much you love the baby and think of it. 

  

As far as seeing/watching the baby, I would limit asking to once a week.  Remember too that the holidays are quickly approaching.  I'm assuming she recently returned to work, so your DIL is probably under a lot of stress, maybe even guilt, that she has to leave her baby. 

  

I would just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. 

This is for the other grandmother that is having same problem I am.  Seeing our grandchild. 

  

How old are your son and dil? When was your grandbaby born? I see you are saying 3 months old and my 1st grandbaby was born September 11, 2005.  Did you and your dil get along before baby?  I am just curious.  I am another grandma with same problem.  I think we have replied to each other before just in the last couple of days.  I don't want to be pushy, everyone keeps on asking if her mother is pushy .  yes i think she is,but i don't want to be like that.  I want my son and his family to be happy so i do not stick my nose in their business, but what do you do when you want a relationship with the grandbaby so much.  I want them to make their own decisions.  I would take some good advice right now on how to handle the situation you and I are in.  

  

I am going to give you my email address so we can talk about this matter if you would like.  Maybe we can come up with a solutions without stirring up trouble with dil and son. 

  

njsaint@pemcoinc.net  

My mother-in-law told me my brother-in-law wants to break up with his fiance.  The wedding is in Feburary '06.  She has already sent out save the date cards, bought a dress, reserved the hall yada, yada...She is also a close friend of mine.  Do I tell her?  By the way, he has also told my husband [his brother] and I this.  We told him to tell his fiance.  He hasn't told her anything. 

I'm so sorry to hear that.  Do you get along with her family?  I just don't see why she has to have separate time with her family and not include you.  I would talk to your son and just explain you really want to see your grandchild for the holidays.  Maybe he could talk to his wife.   I don't have the perfect relationship with my mil, but I do let her see her grandchild whenever she wants to.  She often stops by and watches them for me so I can have time for myself to read, nap, or workout.  Maybe try to offer helping her out like this.

Me and my husband had to severe ties with his family about 2 years ago.  In the beginning I liked his family alot and got along well with everyone, even though I noticed right away that his mother liked to be in control of everything, including the conversations we had.   Non of her quirks bothered me for quite some time.  When our oldest daughter who is now 3 was born is when the trouble began but I knew it was coming when I was about 5 months pregnant.   My MIL started to get upset because she wanted us to be up at their house every single weekend and even sometimes during the week; her expectations regarding the amount of time we spent with them were not reasonable.   She started to resent me for that and blamed me for everything.  When we got married I had asked my MIL if her and my FIL would like to watch our daughter on our wedding night and she happily accepted.   I had always been open to letting her spend time with Noelle, but another thing is that she would back out of it alot (at the last minute) when she knew that me and my husband had something important planned.   On our wedding night she backed out of watching our daughter (who was 6 months at the time) at the last minute, coming to our hotel room and informing us that she was not going to watch Noelle and then started telling me that my own mother had told her that she was going to watch her.  I knew instantly she was lying to us.  So did my husband.  The day after we got married, she told my husband that "you always get to do what you want, now its my turn"    She also admitted to him that she lied about my mom, but then got angry at my husband and recanted her admission.    

  

She started telling me at one point how her and her daughter were taking baths together when her daughter was still 15 years old!!!   I started to notice how she was really perverted also when it came to sex and that scared me.   At one point after me and my husband were married my MIL had tried several times to give my husband the phone number of a woman who had wanted him for a long time, and when my husband kept telling her "no" and told her to throw the number away, she became mad and got off the phone without even saying goodbye to him.  She would constantly bad mouth me to my husband behind my back, and make remarks that were unkind.   Even when my husband asked her to stop, she wouldn't.    When she spoke to me she would always take an incredibly disrespectful tone of voice towards me and would make derogatory comments about things that she knew were important to me.  She is very selfish.   My MIL has even accused me of cheating on my husband and so has my sister in law.   My SIL is just as bad if not worse than my MIL.   I feel that in my situation what it boils down to is that my MIL doesn't like anyone that she cannot bully or manipulate.  I saw her do it with my husband so many times before we cut ties with them.   I have received letters from her in the mail asking to go to counseling only she wont go to a "nuetral" counselor as I have suggested.  She will only go to her own counselor whom she has seen for years.   I am not willing to set myself up.  Me and my husband feel that his mother is not mentally stable and we definately do not want her around our 2 daughters.   My husband also had repressed memories this last August of his mother molesting him as a young boy.  This is something I had sensed before but I never said anything because I didn't want to put thoughts in his head if they were untrue and I knew that if it was true they would eventually come out when he was ready.  And they did.  I used to have alot of guilt about cutting ties and some people would use to tell me that it wasn't fair to our children.  I am a firm believer that your not obligated to someone just because of marital ties or blood relatives.  My entire husband's family is very toxic and they know my MIL lies about things and what she has done but they all sweep it under the rug and choose to protect her.   Thanks for reading. 

Hey, I can completely understand where you're at; my SIL & at times MIL don't want to acknowledge that I am here, in my husbands life. He's tried to "get along, keep the peace, etc", then, just recently, they really crossed the line; he called after his mother (My MIL) was out of the hospital (she was at his sister's house, which, BY THE WAY, is where WE dropped her off the day she got out of the hospital!) ; when they got on the phone, they chewed him out because his brother "was so Upset" over hearing that mom's in the hospital, that your wife shouldn't be telling anyone about anything, blah, blah, blah.  Anyhow, I have been with my husband since May, 2002; We were married in May, 2003; my SIL HAS YET to acknowledge my birthday, the fact that I AM a mother (she said, at one point, when she was whining to my husband about "how hard it is to take care of A BABY" that me having had the EXPERIENCE of raising 3 KIDS, mostly by myself, DOESN'T COUNT!) We aren't exactly making any efforts lately to keep in touch with either of them; he's so tired of his sister's disrespecting me for what appears to be no reason at all, and of his mom just going right along with it all, and not staying out of it. YOUR HUSBAND needs to let them know that IF THEY DISRESPECT YOU, THEY ARE DISRESPECTING HIM, and that if they CANNOT treat you with dignity and decently, then they will have to EXPECT that he will not tolerate it, and that they can EXPECT that he will NOT be the one to "keep the boat on smooth waters"; it's really about time he rocked that boat clear out of the water with them and let them know that you are his family now, and that they will have to ACCEPT THAT and move forward. Wish you the best of luck!

  I am stressed I have 3 sons 23,18,15 yrs of age. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer this year, which she need to have a lung removed. My husbands grandmother has cancer of the liver and pancreas,and my mother in law has a bad heart. OK well that is just the start. My oldest son got married in Oct 2004. This year at the beginning of Sept he was involved in a very serious vehicle accident which his best friend died. he suffered abdominal injuries, brain injury, broken back and ribs. He was in a coma for 2 weeks and in the ICU unit for 3 weeks during that time he went through 6 surgeries. Up till this time I have always thought i had a good relationship with my DIL. Just to let you know we live 4 hours away from my son and DIL. They moved in with her mother and step father, on a ranch ,a few months before the accident so she could work with the horses. She never really gave my son much of a choice she told him that if he wanted to be with her he had to go as well. He thought it would be better for them to make their own way in the world but it was his wife and he will do what ever it takes to make her happy, and that they could save money for a ranch of their own. while my son is in the hospital his wife acted as if she was 16 yrs old, were staying at the hospital during his critical times. She was treating it as a large slumber party. I was surprised but i thought It was her way of dealing with it OK. She then said that I should remember that she had full say of what happens to my son and that she had the power to stop me and all of our family from seeing him. I quickly told her she would have a fight on her hands if she tried, we both kind of laughed and it was dropped. She then told me that before the accident she was thinking of divorcing him because he refused to quite hanging out with his friends.  Many of my sisters, brothers,nieces,nephews as well as my parents came to see my son and to be there for me , my husband and our 2 other sons. My DIL got very upset that they were all there she said it was because she didn't like that many people around. That was OK our family just stayed away and stayed on a different floor that where she was with my son. So she wouldn't feel so over whelmed by our very large family, only  1 or 2 of us would go up at a time. Once our son was out of the woods our family went home. My husband ,2 sons and I talked and we decided that it would be best for me to stay there and he would return home with the boys. My DIL thought that it was great that I was able to stay I stayed at my mother in laws place which was close to the hospital. Once my son was out of the coma his wife stated climbing in bed with him while he was still in ICU. The nurses stated to comment that they went sure who the patient was. After 3 weeks in ICU my son was transfered to a trauma unit. His first day on the new ward was when my DIL told him about his friend that died in the accident . She never liked his friend or any of his other friends for that fact. The Dr's told us not to tell him anything about his friend or the accident until they tell us it was OK, due to the brain injury and there was damage done to his heart which effected his heart rate as well as his blood pressure. They wanted to make sure that it was stable enough for him to handle the news. She disregarded what the Dr's said and told him any how because she felt he had to just deal with it and get it done and over with. This is when I really started to see the real her. During that time she when back to work, for her parents on the ranch. I also noticed the she was spending a lot of money daily on herself Now that my son is unable to work and they only have her pay as well as his EI benefits money was tight. I said that they will really have to watch their finances for a while and her comment was well she deserved it because she has gone through a lot because he got in this accident, she said this in front of my son. That was when he started to feel guilty about the accident.  After 1 month in the hospital they transfered my son to a rehab. hospital on the brain injury ward. She started not coming to see him as much telling him that it was to far for her to drive and that she had to see her friends and she made the comment that if he didn't get into the accident then her would be there to keep her company and she would have to take the time to see other friends. Not once did she come to go to any of his therapy's. She came about 4 to 5 evenings a week and while she was there all she would do was climb into his bed and watch movies. Once again the Dr's said that he couldn't stay in his room and watch movies that much and that they wanted him to socialize more with others. She disregarded this once again and told everyone that she didn't want to go near those other people because they were sick. Mean while I was there for my son during the day and all of the therapies, the nurses commented to me that his wife was making them uncomfortable. I told them there was nothing I could do with her I was only the MIL. During his time at the rehab. hospital not once did her mother and step father whom they live with come to see him. Although her father and step mother came about 3 to 4 times a week. They stated to make comments about her attitude and the immature way she was acting. When my son first got into the rehab hosp they told us that he needed his own clothes well it took her 4 days to bring them in she said she kept forgetting. I had to go out and buy him new stuff and not once did she ever say thanks. My son was unable to go to the bathroom himself and needed some help with the portable urinal. She refused to help him she said that it was a mothers job and that she was not a mother and that me or a nurse could do it. Once my son started to get better I left for 2 weeks to be with my mother during her surgery. When I came back I thought that she would take over more but NO WAY. Not once would she do his laundry or help him in any way. By this time he was feeling very bad for putting her through this and he would do what ever it took to make her happy. He was finally awarded with a weekend pass so he could go home with her, Which she pushed for. On Fri. Afternoon she was busy with her friends and the horses so she couldn't pick him up until that evening so I told her that I would Take him to his grandmothers place and she could pick him up there she was fine with that. She later phoned to say that she would be later because she had to pick up some friends and that they we all going to go out to a movie. HMMMMM I asked If they were planning on having dinner before the movie she said no. I then thought i had better fix dinner for my son so he could at least eat first. The next day my son called us and told us that his wife was going out on a pub crawl with her friends and so if he could hang out with me. I said OK and she brought him over to me and said she would pick him up later, she picked him up at 1:30 am. I then took that time to have a chat with my son to see what he thought about her behavior, he said that it was OK because she needs a life too. Because of the brain injury my son can get very emotional and temper mental. Whenever he talk about family that visited or when I would say good night to him he would cry> She would tell him he had to suck it up and act like a man. He also suffers from short term memory loss. He then started to make comments about him being a married man and that he didn't need his mother there all the time. Now to tell you when she was there with him I always left and went home for a rest and to get my own things done. I asked him if he wanted me to go Back to our home because I could and I reminded him that he still has 2 brothers that would  be grateful for me to be home. He started to cry and he said that no he wanted me there. A few weeks later my son was doing very well and he was going to get to go home. He was very excited. He had to go to other appointment first with the surgeons that did his surgery's she wouldn't go with him so her step mother and her father took him when they commented to her she said that he could have gone on his own. The hospital would not let him go alone because it was in a different part of the city and don't forget he has short term memory loss. I don't know what to do I know that he is now stuck out on the farm her and her mother and step father has made it SO uncomfortable for anyone to go there and visit him. They are busy outside working during the day so he is inside alone she has a list of chores for him to do such as her laundry , making her lunch,which he was told he should not be cooking due to his memory loss. His Dr's have warned us that once he goes home he has a higher risk of going into depression. I have still remained to have daily contact with him he phones me collect when no one is around and I call him back. She also wanted to get ride of his dog (which he has loved for a long time )while he was still in a coma so my sister took it home to look after it until he can have it back he wants his dog back but she said he can't. because if it comes back it has to be tied up in the Field with the horses and he is not aloud to be around the horses because his reaction time is not fast enough to get out of the way. I do not know what to do I tried to talk to the social worker at the hospital the only advice that they could give me is keep thing smooth and do what I can to keep the contact with my son. She also tried to talk with my DIL but she said she know what is best for him. If anyone has any advice or has gone or going  through this please let me know. My mother now has to have chemotherapy they found more cancer, my husbands grandmother they gave her 4 months and my MIL is having a hard time with all this as her heart condition is getting worse. I am the only female in the immediate family so she is leaning on me a lot. 

Hi, 

  

I have a question that may seem trivial compared to some of the other posts.  Every Christmas my fiancee spend 15 days with his parents at their home.  I was raised in a home that it is considered rude to impose oneself for that length of time.  Of course, my relatives all lived close to one another.  My fiance's parents live about 8 hours away in a cramped house with 8 people staying there.  Then they invite friends over for drinking every night.  They are from Slovakia, and often converse in Slovak.  I feel left out.  I wouldn't mind staying for even a week, but it gets so long.  They try to get me to go skiing, which I am terrified of.  Then we have to bring our german shepherd, and they have a german shepherd.  I am so homesick, but  I can't go home until my immigration papers are completed in CAnada.  I am a USA citizen. 

  

Am I being too sensitive?  I value my alone time, and it's impossible to get a way to read a book without being "unsociable"  Help! 

I'm not big on my FIL (I'm not married yet)  He is Slovak and very loud and gregarious.   He tells jokes that are far from funny.  He harasses me about exercising and being overweight.  He tells me what to eat, and that I dress like a slob.  He's the one wearing the diamond Rolex and gold chains and bracelets.  He complains about the food I make, he's too hungry to wait, etc.  He complains that I won't help his son butcher a deer (NO WAY!)  I'm not friendly enough.  My fiancee won't stand up to his dad and tell him to lay off the exercise harassment.  He makes me feel like crap.  When he visits he takes over the whole house, including our bedroom, and refuses to let anyone in the kitchen.  I have to run to the store constantly to buy "health" foods for him.  We took him out to eat at a very nice restaurant, and he complained to the wait staff how terrible it was.  I was so embarrassed.  He yelled at me for leaving the camper door by accident and letting the flies in.  he called me a stupid cow.  BF did nothing.  MIL is the sweetest woman on earth.  I don't know if this relationship is worth it.  I know that if we ever decide to go to US for xmas, he will throw a fit because he is used to  his family catering to him.  Get this.  He even has 40 year old candy on the xmas tree because it reminds him of when he immigrated from czechoslovakia to Canada.  gross.