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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:41 am
Author : dataimport
Love them, tolerate them, or despise them? Dealing with the in-laws can be stressful to a marriage. Share your stories and coping strategies.

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August 5, 2005, 1:11 pm CDT

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: jenoc99

Its wonderful that your husband has made something out of his life, and that you have a good solid marriage and healthy children together. You are living the American dream! It would be nice if his family could be happy for you both instead of being jelous, but unfortunatly, thats the way it goes sometimes, especially with in-laws. My advice to you and your husband is to keep making the decisions that lead you to happiness and stability, and ignore the toxic people in  your life. Toxic people will suck the life right out of you...it sounds like you have devoted alot of time and energy into proving your SIL is cheating...I'm wondering why? Why was that so important to you? Don't you think that all that time and emotional/mental energy could have been better spent on your own personal life, your kids, your job, etc? To truly live the American dream, to truly be happy, you have to learn how to capture the spirit of forgiveness. Right now, you are hanging onto the spirit of revenge with alot of negative energy. This negative energy is going to effect other aspects of your life, too. And for what? For nothing. Doesn't it feel bad to have all these negative feelings toward your SIL and other in-laws?

 

It feels nice to have happiness and to be positive about your surroundings. I know that you probably feel that you can't think of a single nice thing to say about your SIL. So, what would be best for everyone would be to not say anything at all. You say at the ending of your post how your SIL has turned the wheel chair-bound sister against you with lies, and how the 84 year old father is not involved....I have to say this, and you won't want to hear this, but you have played just as big of a part in this as she has. You could have taken the "high road" by brushing off your SIL's email that you received by mistake, after all, as you said, she isn't a happy person, she is miserable and full of jelousy. Instead, you have taken this to a whole other level that it didn't have to go to.

 

There was no need for you and your husband to break into your SIL's email and involve yourself in her personal problems like that. You say that other people tell you that they would have done the same thing, who are those people??!! That was a crazy decision. That was bad. Then stalking her on top of it, another bad choice. Everything you describe sounds over the top. Your actions were intended to do what? What did you want the outcome to be, what were you hoping/wishing/dreaming to be the result of your investigating?

 

You've got to find a way to let this go. You know that you and your SIL will never be close, accept that. There are so many good things in your life, many positive things that need your devotion. It won't be easy to let this whole thing go, its not easy to admit that you fed into it, but the best thing for you to do is forgive yourself for this mistake, and start putting your energy towards something that will have a positive and healthy outcome.

Jen

I do aggree with you that we have spent ALOT of time checking up on her and proveing what we new was true, and that it seems a little on the stalking side as you say, but you do not know the whole story, that would take a book to explain, and what you also don't know is the lies that my SIL has sayed about me and my family, and that I am not the type of person to let that go. IF it is wrong or not, I just couldn't. She has attacked us so badly, the things that she was saying were intended to destroy the one thing I hold most importantly and that was my family. She was trying to destroy her nieces and nephew parents marriage out of jealousy and spite, and yes I took the low road to prove that she is a bad person, that needs help. And I live in a VERY small town population 650, and for some reason small towns work differently and I am very respected in this town, my church and school, and like I have said I didn't do the right things, my neighbors didn't either by listening, but for the most part people always want to listen to the lies, and the hurtful rumors, and when I would try to defend my family, it is like they didn't want to hear it, sometimes people wanted to believe a lie instead of the truth, so I had to prove that she was as many people say Toxic, and a liar, so that my kids could go to school and walk down the streets and not be bugged or talked about in a manner that was brought on by lies, Wrong or Right I would do it again, to protect my family. It would be one thing if what she was saying was true. I was not out to destroy her marriage, I was not the one forceing her to cheat, take the drugs, or lie about so many people. I didn't force her to do a single thing, those are all decisions she made herself, and like it or not, there are many people in this world that do think the same way I do,  I should not have to explain myself and my actions that was not the intention of my message, I still am willing to work it out with her for the sake of family, but now this family knows that they were being told lies and they have told me that they were wrong for believing her and listening and that is what I set out to do was prove that she was trying to destroy what we had going. I am very happy with the outcome, my life since this has been great, my husband and I  have gotten a huge weight off our soulders and members of this famliy now see the truth. And everyone sees her for what she is.  

You asked why was it so important to prove she was cheating, I am sorry but we couldn't sleep at night knowing what she was doing, while he was working so hard to put a roof over her head, and provide for his family, (which the paternity of the child is being questioned because of the type of life she has lead, and if you read my first post you will see I put in there he was told he had a 1% chance of having a child) and a roof over the head of her daughter from a previous marriage, and she was running around, and he loves her so much he wouldn't have believed any of this with out the proof and she has proven what a fantastic liar she is and that this was our only option was to get the proof so that she could not lie her way out of anything and accept the fact of what she had done. 

I didn't devote as much time as you think I did, it takes all of 5 minutes to turn on a computer and print an email and be done. My husband and I own a concrete company and have 3 kids, I am constanly busy with just those 2 things, never mind a 4400 sq. ft. house to clean and laundry, cooking, and everything else that life requires. My family was not neglected one time for anything while we were spending a few minutes here and there chceking up on her, and hardly any converstions about it either till the end.  

And yes I could say some nice things about her and will do that right now, My SIL was a great friend of mine at one time, she is a beautifull person on the outside, and I believe has the oppurtunity to pull her life around, and I would be there if and when she is ready to do that, she and her husband have worked hard for what they have, and she doesn't,  that I know of treat her kids wrong intentionally, but these were her decisions and your right there is nothing that I can do about it. But I don't hate her, nor does my husband. We just don't know how to overcome this, and that was all I was looking for, not an attack on my actions or finger pointing, cause I have said it plenty we did not start this, we just ended it before something really bad happened, like her leave our brother and clean him out, or over doses and dies. You never know. We really thought and will continue to think that we did the right thing, cause otherwise she would still be seeing the guys and running her loose lips and destroying people for fun. And that just doesn't set right with me, or my husband and family. 

  

 
August 6, 2005, 9:14 am CDT

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: renaentx

I do aggree with you that we have spent ALOT of time checking up on her and proveing what we new was true, and that it seems a little on the stalking side as you say, but you do not know the whole story, that would take a book to explain, and what you also don't know is the lies that my SIL has sayed about me and my family, and that I am not the type of person to let that go. IF it is wrong or not, I just couldn't. She has attacked us so badly, the things that she was saying were intended to destroy the one thing I hold most importantly and that was my family. She was trying to destroy her nieces and nephew parents marriage out of jealousy and spite, and yes I took the low road to prove that she is a bad person, that needs help. And I live in a VERY small town population 650, and for some reason small towns work differently and I am very respected in this town, my church and school, and like I have said I didn't do the right things, my neighbors didn't either by listening, but for the most part people always want to listen to the lies, and the hurtful rumors, and when I would try to defend my family, it is like they didn't want to hear it, sometimes people wanted to believe a lie instead of the truth, so I had to prove that she was as many people say Toxic, and a liar, so that my kids could go to school and walk down the streets and not be bugged or talked about in a manner that was brought on by lies, Wrong or Right I would do it again, to protect my family. It would be one thing if what she was saying was true. I was not out to destroy her marriage, I was not the one forceing her to cheat, take the drugs, or lie about so many people. I didn't force her to do a single thing, those are all decisions she made herself, and like it or not, there are many people in this world that do think the same way I do,  I should not have to explain myself and my actions that was not the intention of my message, I still am willing to work it out with her for the sake of family, but now this family knows that they were being told lies and they have told me that they were wrong for believing her and listening and that is what I set out to do was prove that she was trying to destroy what we had going. I am very happy with the outcome, my life since this has been great, my husband and I  have gotten a huge weight off our soulders and members of this famliy now see the truth. And everyone sees her for what she is.  

You asked why was it so important to prove she was cheating, I am sorry but we couldn't sleep at night knowing what she was doing, while he was working so hard to put a roof over her head, and provide for his family, (which the paternity of the child is being questioned because of the type of life she has lead, and if you read my first post you will see I put in there he was told he had a 1% chance of having a child) and a roof over the head of her daughter from a previous marriage, and she was running around, and he loves her so much he wouldn't have believed any of this with out the proof and she has proven what a fantastic liar she is and that this was our only option was to get the proof so that she could not lie her way out of anything and accept the fact of what she had done. 

I didn't devote as much time as you think I did, it takes all of 5 minutes to turn on a computer and print an email and be done. My husband and I own a concrete company and have 3 kids, I am constanly busy with just those 2 things, never mind a 4400 sq. ft. house to clean and laundry, cooking, and everything else that life requires. My family was not neglected one time for anything while we were spending a few minutes here and there chceking up on her, and hardly any converstions about it either till the end.  

And yes I could say some nice things about her and will do that right now, My SIL was a great friend of mine at one time, she is a beautifull person on the outside, and I believe has the oppurtunity to pull her life around, and I would be there if and when she is ready to do that, she and her husband have worked hard for what they have, and she doesn't,  that I know of treat her kids wrong intentionally, but these were her decisions and your right there is nothing that I can do about it. But I don't hate her, nor does my husband. We just don't know how to overcome this, and that was all I was looking for, not an attack on my actions or finger pointing, cause I have said it plenty we did not start this, we just ended it before something really bad happened, like her leave our brother and clean him out, or over doses and dies. You never know. We really thought and will continue to think that we did the right thing, cause otherwise she would still be seeing the guys and running her loose lips and destroying people for fun. And that just doesn't set right with me, or my husband and family. 

  

 In your first post, you wrote regarding your brother in law: "Well he called me back about 3 hours later, livid at me and my husband, he was mad at her as well, but wanted to jump on us for being in her email.  Well i told him that he needed to talk to his borther, my husband about this. So anyways she hates us now, doesn't want to be around us, and is ruining this famliy and I don't know how to handle this, we all have kids." 

 

You didn't say that everything was now fine in your first post, from reading it, what I thought you were saying was that although you and your husband went to great lengths to prove your SIL was cheating, etc., it was for nothing because her husband didn't believe it. You asked how can you get over it in your first post, and my advice to you was to be happy for all that you have and find a way to let it all go. Your response is I shouldn't be questioning your actions/reactions, etc...(which by the way, the questions were rhetorical- just things for you to think about, I didn't mean I wanted to answers) but you are the one who asked for advice on a message board, if you don't like the advice you receive, then don't take it. When you ask for advice, you aren't always going to hear what you want to hear. 

  

You don't have to be friends with these people. It can be difficult when you live in a small town, but things have a way of blowing over, and with time, the person who tells lies and spreads gossip will be figured out, because when she doesn't get the reaction she wants out of you, she will move on to push someone else's buttons, and before you know it she will have dug her own grave, you don't have to help her do it. But like you said, you aren't the type of person to just let things go. 

Jen 

 
August 13, 2005, 5:39 am CDT

You went way too far

Quote From: jenoc99

 In your first post, you wrote regarding your brother in law: "Well he called me back about 3 hours later, livid at me and my husband, he was mad at her as well, but wanted to jump on us for being in her email.  Well i told him that he needed to talk to his borther, my husband about this. So anyways she hates us now, doesn't want to be around us, and is ruining this famliy and I don't know how to handle this, we all have kids." 

 

You didn't say that everything was now fine in your first post, from reading it, what I thought you were saying was that although you and your husband went to great lengths to prove your SIL was cheating, etc., it was for nothing because her husband didn't believe it. You asked how can you get over it in your first post, and my advice to you was to be happy for all that you have and find a way to let it all go. Your response is I shouldn't be questioning your actions/reactions, etc...(which by the way, the questions were rhetorical- just things for you to think about, I didn't mean I wanted to answers) but you are the one who asked for advice on a message board, if you don't like the advice you receive, then don't take it. When you ask for advice, you aren't always going to hear what you want to hear. 

  

You don't have to be friends with these people. It can be difficult when you live in a small town, but things have a way of blowing over, and with time, the person who tells lies and spreads gossip will be figured out, because when she doesn't get the reaction she wants out of you, she will move on to push someone else's buttons, and before you know it she will have dug her own grave, you don't have to help her do it. But like you said, you aren't the type of person to just let things go. 

Jen 

I didn't think people could shock me as much as the post from renaentx.  I think you were right on with you answer to this lady.  I was in shock when I read how far she went to PROVE herself right. 

The first on her reply to you was to say..... 

  

 I do aggree with you that we have spent ALOT of time checking up on her and proveing what we new was true, and that it seems a little on the stalking side as you say, 

  

Then she goes on in the same message to say: 

  

I didn't devote as much time as you think I did, it takes all of 5 minutes to turn on a computer and print an email and be done 

  

Invasion of privacy are she.  That is really going overboard.  To me that should be a criminal offence.  I certainly do NOT think adultery is good.  But what happened was between her HUSBAND and HERSELF and had NOTHING to do with the sister-in-law nor the brother-in-law.  If it bothered her so much why couldn't she talk to her only and tell her if it didn't stop immedietly then she would tell the husbands brother.  It seems to me that she is the reason and cause of all of this heartbreak in her family.  But it wasn't her concern at all.  She sure proved she were right...but it seems to me it didn't matter who she hurt in the process.  I do understand she wanted to protect her brother-in-laws assets.  But doing what she did is just so wrong.  And the only thing that happaned is the family is in tormoil and now the bro-in-law nor the sis-in-law want anything to do with her.(go figure)  Now that to me seems justified.  How would she feel if someone was stealing mail from her and copying it and reading it???  Yea I know.......her response to me would be...I don't care... 

Well this is just my two cents worth.  I have nothing to hide at all.  If my husband wants to invade my privacy and read my emails that's fine...because he is MY husband...plus he doesn't need  to because I generally print them out and leave them around anyway.  And to say she would do it again.  I feel very sad for her.  I really just wanted you to know jen that I totally agree with you on this.  You were right on with your advice and I think you handled what you said very well.  Notice I am writing this to you and not her.  Because I could NOT handle myself as well as you did when she responded to you.   

 
August 16, 2005, 5:22 am CDT

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

where is msg I posted cant find? not sure I like this new set up. 

 
August 16, 2005, 5:36 am CDT

I need advice

I sent a msg last night but it did not take I guess, anyway, I have not posted in awhile my old user name used to be nobody1, anyway the question is sil continues to cuss me out she made a fool of herself at her parents anniv. party she cussed me out for not being in room when her parents cut the cake, heck I did not even want to be at the party I was only there for my h anyway after the party she made up some lie like she always does and mil calls my h and says I ruined the party, she cusses me put in front of 15 people and I get blamed for it? what is wrong with these people? 

My h says to just let it go and that is what he has been doing for 46 years and it does not seem to be working for him or me she does not stop. I want to confront her on this and all of the other times she has done this to us because it needs to stop she had no right to talk to me like that and everyone knows it but everyone just turns the other way and lets her get away with it, and Im sick of it. she has talked to me, my son and my husband like we are dogs and I think it is time to put an 

end to it. What do suggest? Not to mention it well help me get rid of this anger I built up for 18 years. 

 
August 16, 2005, 6:23 am CDT

Hi

Quote From: bunny42

I sent a msg last night but it did not take I guess, anyway, I have not posted in awhile my old user name used to be nobody1, anyway the question is sil continues to cuss me out she made a fool of herself at her parents anniv. party she cussed me out for not being in room when her parents cut the cake, heck I did not even want to be at the party I was only there for my h anyway after the party she made up some lie like she always does and mil calls my h and says I ruined the party, she cusses me put in front of 15 people and I get blamed for it? what is wrong with these people? 

My h says to just let it go and that is what he has been doing for 46 years and it does not seem to be working for him or me she does not stop. I want to confront her on this and all of the other times she has done this to us because it needs to stop she had no right to talk to me like that and everyone knows it but everyone just turns the other way and lets her get away with it, and Im sick of it. she has talked to me, my son and my husband like we are dogs and I think it is time to put an 

end to it. What do suggest? Not to mention it well help me get rid of this anger I built up for 18 years. 

You need to get your anger out. The only way to do this is to confront the problem head on. Do it in a calm but "point noted" manner. No one deserves to be treated like that. Who does this woman think she is? If you allow her to continue to treat you and your family like this, it will never stop. Time to "nip it in the bud" now or one day you will explode and lose your cool on her and you dont need to stoop to her level. One thing that will help you loose some of your anger is by writing everything on paper, that you want to say to her. The more you read it, the better you feel. Then when you get ready to confront her, you will know what to say to her (in a calm manner) and how to say it. I would avoid her until you are ready to straighten her out. If I were cussed out in front of alot of people by my sil or anyone else, I would say to everyone there: "I am sorry that my sil or (whoever) acts like this, so I will leave so all of you can enjoy yourself". That not only lets everyone see how she is, but it also lets them see who the "bigger" person is.
 
August 16, 2005, 4:25 pm CDT

hey thanks :)

Quote From: blueice361

I didn't think people could shock me as much as the post from renaentx.  I think you were right on with you answer to this lady.  I was in shock when I read how far she went to PROVE herself right. 

The first on her reply to you was to say..... 

  

 I do aggree with you that we have spent ALOT of time checking up on her and proveing what we new was true, and that it seems a little on the stalking side as you say, 

  

Then she goes on in the same message to say: 

  

I didn't devote as much time as you think I did, it takes all of 5 minutes to turn on a computer and print an email and be done 

  

Invasion of privacy are she.  That is really going overboard.  To me that should be a criminal offence.  I certainly do NOT think adultery is good.  But what happened was between her HUSBAND and HERSELF and had NOTHING to do with the sister-in-law nor the brother-in-law.  If it bothered her so much why couldn't she talk to her only and tell her if it didn't stop immedietly then she would tell the husbands brother.  It seems to me that she is the reason and cause of all of this heartbreak in her family.  But it wasn't her concern at all.  She sure proved she were right...but it seems to me it didn't matter who she hurt in the process.  I do understand she wanted to protect her brother-in-laws assets.  But doing what she did is just so wrong.  And the only thing that happaned is the family is in tormoil and now the bro-in-law nor the sis-in-law want anything to do with her.(go figure)  Now that to me seems justified.  How would she feel if someone was stealing mail from her and copying it and reading it???  Yea I know.......her response to me would be...I don't care... 

Well this is just my two cents worth.  I have nothing to hide at all.  If my husband wants to invade my privacy and read my emails that's fine...because he is MY husband...plus he doesn't need  to because I generally print them out and leave them around anyway.  And to say she would do it again.  I feel very sad for her.  I really just wanted you to know jen that I totally agree with you on this.  You were right on with your advice and I think you handled what you said very well.  Notice I am writing this to you and not her.  Because I could NOT handle myself as well as you did when she responded to you.   

Hey thanks:) 

I really wonder what Dr. Phil would say if he read her post, and her reply to me...can you imagine what his two cents would have been? Like she said in the end of her last post..she really just has so much to do, after all she has a 4,400 square foot home to clean....hmm..like the size of your home has anything to do with what we're talking about!!?? Anyway, thanks for letting me know you agree with me, and I think you are right regarding breaking into someone else's email being criminal! 

Jen 

 
August 16, 2005, 4:33 pm CDT

anger....

Quote From: bunny42

I sent a msg last night but it did not take I guess, anyway, I have not posted in awhile my old user name used to be nobody1, anyway the question is sil continues to cuss me out she made a fool of herself at her parents anniv. party she cussed me out for not being in room when her parents cut the cake, heck I did not even want to be at the party I was only there for my h anyway after the party she made up some lie like she always does and mil calls my h and says I ruined the party, she cusses me put in front of 15 people and I get blamed for it? what is wrong with these people? 

My h says to just let it go and that is what he has been doing for 46 years and it does not seem to be working for him or me she does not stop. I want to confront her on this and all of the other times she has done this to us because it needs to stop she had no right to talk to me like that and everyone knows it but everyone just turns the other way and lets her get away with it, and Im sick of it. she has talked to me, my son and my husband like we are dogs and I think it is time to put an 

end to it. What do suggest? Not to mention it well help me get rid of this anger I built up for 18 years. 

I agree with the other poster about writing down all that you want and need to say to her, its important that if you are going to finally confront her that you get out everything that you've been storing up for 18 years. Ignoring her behavior hasn't made things better, someone needs to put her in her place. You and your children don't deserve to be treated like dogs from this woman!  

  

Do you think that writing a letter to her would be more effective? I was just thinking that if you confronted her in person or on the phone, she might interupt you and change the subject towards other things, so it might be more effective for you to write a letter. It could be a calm letter, doesn't have to be nasty or anything, you don't want to stoop to her level. You don't even need to bring up the past and give specific examples, you can just let her know that from here on out you need her to show more respect towards you and your children because the way she treats others is wrong. I wish you luck with this...is it possible to just not see them again if she continues to be like this?  

Jen 

 
August 16, 2005, 8:15 pm CDT

jen

Quote From: jenoc99

I agree with the other poster about writing down all that you want and need to say to her, its important that if you are going to finally confront her that you get out everything that you've been storing up for 18 years. Ignoring her behavior hasn't made things better, someone needs to put her in her place. You and your children don't deserve to be treated like dogs from this woman!  

  

Do you think that writing a letter to her would be more effective? I was just thinking that if you confronted her in person or on the phone, she might interupt you and change the subject towards other things, so it might be more effective for you to write a letter. It could be a calm letter, doesn't have to be nasty or anything, you don't want to stoop to her level. You don't even need to bring up the past and give specific examples, you can just let her know that from here on out you need her to show more respect towards you and your children because the way she treats others is wrong. I wish you luck with this...is it possible to just not see them again if she continues to be like this?  

Jen 

That might be a good approach, because your right she would interrupt me and probably end up telling me more stuff Ive done wrong according to her. But I really think my husband should also be involved, he has taken this crap from her for 46 years and I he needs to be part of this, after all he to, has let me take alot of blame and criticism from them and he did nothing to stop it If this is going to be effective it has to be a team effort right? I don't know what to do I cant stay away from them forever and I think just ignoring  it is not going to make it go away but I also know that whatever I say she wont acknowledge it anyway because she is not living in the real world (if you know what I mean). Either way Im in a lose, lose situation right? But I know that if she does that to me again I will blow up and it will not be pretty I can only hold so much in. My h says he will back me whatever my decision and says he will be on phone if I do call. I dont know what do I do? 

 
August 17, 2005, 6:55 pm CDT

Problems with SIL and FIL

I hope I didn't post this twice.
 
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