Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

This past May, after going back to school after my 3rd child was born, my father-in-law was watching my kids for a short 2 hour period before my mother-in-law could come to help him.  I was at my first night at school since the baby was born.  I have a son who was at the time 3 1/2 yrs, and a daughter who was 22 months at the time.  During the 2 hours my father-in-law watched the kids alone, he molested my 22 month old daughter in front of her older brother.  My son is the reason I found out.  While changing her diaper, I found small yellow pieces of crayon wax on her labia and coming out from her vagina.  After calling my husband and asking if he had seen her playing with crayons, my son told me, "Bumpa **** colored on her butt."  I asked him what he meant, and he responded with, "Bumpa used the yellow crayon and colored on her butt and inside her butt."  I was frantic, called my husband and told him.  He immediately defended his dad and said that our son was mistaken.  I know that if he had not witnessed this that there is no way he could just make up a story like this.  I called our pediatrician and talked to the nurse.  She mistakingly told me to wipe everything off her body because it would hurt her.  I did, and then immediately packed up all 3 kids and brought her to Children's Hospital for an exam.  The exam did not come up with anything, mainly because I wiped off her genitals to keep her front being hurt any further.  My father-in-law was questioned that night for 2 hours, and denied everything.  He volunteered to take a voice stress test, similar to a polygraph, and the test showed there was deception in his voice.  He was questioned again, and then changed his story a bit and said that my son was the one who did it possibly when he was not looking.  Story continued to change, and he said there were no crayons in the house at all.  Again, the story changed, and he said that maybe when he was changing her diaper that a crayon was underneath her that he did not know about and as he wiped her that he may have accidentally touched her bottom with a crayon.  Then it changed again and he said that he may have picked up the crayon as he was laying her on the floor to change her, and as he took down her pants the crayon rubbed against her bottom.  The last time he was questioned, he stated that he now remembers taking the crayon and tracing on her butt and around her vagina, but never inserted the crayon, to make her laugh.   

Now, we all know that this man is a lying sack of $@*#, however, my husband's entire family is supporting this pervert!  They believe him that he never inserted the crayon, and that he did not do this for "sexual gratification."  In my eyes there is only one reason to do this to a child, and that is for power, control, and sexual gratification.  My father-in-law is in the middle of court proceedings for the charge of 1st degree sexual assault of a child under 13.  He faces 60 years in prison, which we know he will never get, but the possibility is still there.  He is refusing to plead guilty to anything, and is now trying to go for the ultimate guilty man's explanation of"insane".  Because he is unwilling to be a man and admit what he did and take responsibility for what he did to my daughter, my son, who is now 4, will have to testify in court as to what he saw, because he is the only witness to this.  My son is acting out and showing bad behavior with me because his grandma told him that mommy is wrong and now bumpa will have to go to jail because mommy got grandpa in trouble.  I have stopped all contact with her, and and receive hell for it almost everyday.  My husband is torn, rightfully so, but I am extremely upset because in the meantime, I have been dealing and coping with this on my own for the past 7 months.  My husband and I have been married for 5 years and love each other very much, but I am beginning to resent him and hate his entire family.  I am very confused and stressed out as to how to deal with this.  I want the support of my husband because he is my best friend and he needs to be supporting and protecting his new family, not his dad!  Does anybody have any advice for me?  Thanks for your help and time in advance!!!! 

I am very sorry for the pain you and your family has had to endure becuase of this. Here's what  I have to say about this issue. Your Husbands father was the adult he knew what he was doing when he did it. Your Children were the innocent ones. As for you coping with this on your own I believe you need to see someone about this, the guilt you are most likely feeling is unfounded a on your part. You had no idea this was going to happen and you didn't put your children in his care on purpose.  As for your in-laws they are in denial and you need to just wash your hands of dealing with them. If she's harrassing you in any way call the police. It's sad that a grown man isn't going to take responsibility for his actions. Call you D.A. who's handling the case and he may be able to help you with the sentencing or victims therapy.  

  Finally if this had happened in my marriage I would sit down with my husband and explain to him that your children had no chance to stop this from happening to them. That you have choosen in thier bext intrests to remove them from the toxic element. If he wishes to be in contact with his family he is free to do so. That you would never make him choose. However you have a duty to protect your children and you know it's not right for them to be around them, when they are getting manipulated against you and the truth.  

 I hope this has helped and I am truly sorry for your family's pain.  

Best of Luck. 

Stephanie  

I have a few suggestions for you. First, yes there is a way to handle this without causing a split, and that is to just forget about what your son in-law might or might not think about you! You might never know if he likes you or doesn't like you, but in the big picture of life, how important is that? Sure, it would be great to know if he liked you... and it would be wonderful if he said thank you once in awhile... but its been 5 years now and he hasn't done it yet. Since you aren't interested in confrontation, the other option is letting it go. Sometimes we have to be like "teflon"... just let things roll off you, don't let what your son in-law may or may not think of you get to you. Its not healthy for you to wonder and/or worry if this guy likes you or not, and you shouldn't have to work hard to get him to like you, either. As a grandmother, your job is to love your grandchildren unconditionaly, and to love your daughter and support her unconditionaly, also. Take comfort in the fact that the grandchildren will grow up knowing you well and having a strong, healthy and happy relationship with you. There isn't anything you can say or do to know if he likes you unless he is willing to come right out with an answer, and thats not likely, so just live each day like he does like you, you will come out smelling like a rose!! 

I'm a 24year old single mother of a 3year old baby girl. the problem i have is with her father mother. for the past 3years i have been like a daughter, and a friend to her and it wasn't to recently that i realize that she was just using me to get and do what she wanted to do. i have allow her and her 17year old daughter to live with me on three diffrent occasions and all she done is turn her back on me. i have always been there for her even when her family and two kisd turned their back on her. excepting her for what she was and did. when i first met her i didn't know the history between her and her kids, but later found out her mother had to raise them due to her drug habit and need for men. she later went to rehab and was clean for seven years but later return to her old tricks.it wasn't to the last time i allowed her to stay in my home even though her son which is my daughter father told me not to that she could hurt me the way she did. this drug head after all i have done for her had the nerves to go to the police and tell them she was gang rape in my apartment and i gave my three year old liquior and she past out. that was the straw that broke the camel back the way i feel i could just break that trick jaw she could have cost me everything all because she want to fry her brain. i knew she was a little off but never in a million years would i have thought she would do something to try and hurt my baby after she knows i'm the only family my baby has. i just think the bitch is jelous of me she wish she could have been the mother to her kids that i am to my daughter. but i still pray for the whole family and wish them all the best of luck because that will be the last time they see her.if you have any other opions on what i should do about this situation please feel free to respond 

Thank you so much, Stephanie!  It is so nice to get the support of an adult on this issue.  I have been very active in the trial process.  I testified in the preliminary hearing and had to endure this pervert staring at me, trying to intimidate me to the best of his ability with no success.  One good thing that has come out of this is that we have moved an hour away from them and are now living near my family who has been a huge support.  As for my husband, the topic of his dad is completely off limits for us to talk about together.  If I ever bring up something about his dad an immediate argument insues.  We are unable to talk about what his dad did in any way.  I know that it is a hard thing for my husband to accept.  He never thought of his dad as a molesting pervert, but he needs to protect his children and wife from not only his dad, but also the rest of his family who are blaming ME for what happened.  They wanted the family to deal with what happened, and not get the authorities involved.  To me, that is how cycles begin, and there is more of a chance for one of my kids to also become a predator.  I refuse to let that happen.  My father-in-law needs to take responsibility for his actions.  His lawyer has him fooled into thinking that he will not be convicted if he takes this to trial in front of a jury.  There isn't a jury that would find him not guilty after hearing the testimony and reading his statements to the police.  He needs to act like a man for the first time in his life and confess to what he did.  One of my husbands biggest arguments to this is that his dad is not a "sexual" person.  His parents have been married for 33 years.  They have not had sex since his brother was conceived.  His brother is now 26 years old!  Granted, sex is not the number 1 thing in a marriage, but it has to be somewhere besides last on their priorities.  To me that is not healthy at all.  I don't care who you are, animal instincts will eventually take over.  We were created as sexual beings and need to in some way have that satisfied, just not with an innocent child!  Why not get a prostitute or rent a movie, but don't have your way with a baby girl or boy!!!!! 

I just got engaged last saturday. But before I asked my g/f if she would marry me and talked to her parents. Now im caucasian and she is vietnamese. Her dad's side of the family has a few white guys in it while her moms side of the family has no mixing of race in it. 

I asked her dad first and he seemed ok with it but wanted to sit down and talk with his wife and me at the same time.Ultimately she said I could under the following conditions. 

1. No marriage until college is done 

2. No moving out until college is done. 

I was fine with that. So the morning after I proposed to my g/f we were downstairs eating and her mother saw that she had on the ring. Her mom started raising her voice to my g/f saying stuff like. 

I dont want you to wear the ring to work, to school, or to any family functions. I was like what the hell????????.   Her mom tries to be very decietful by trying to make other family members think everything between cathy and I is proper. Well it isnt. I sleep over at her house in her room on the weekends and her parents are ok with it. Im sure they know that her daughter and I are sexually active. To me her mom is trying to play God by trying to control our lives. We (g/f and I) feel it would be beneficial for us to move in together before getting married so we can have the responsibility of taking care of something like that first instead of (what her mom wants us to do) get married then buy a house. We live in California and its alerady expensive enough just to live here. I dont think getting a house right off the bat is the best way to go. 

Also, they are Catholic. I am Christian. Her mom thinks she is hardcore Catholic but she doesnt follow any of the rules of the Catholic Church accept go to church on Saturday. 

She doesnt confess,she doesnt take communion. Her husband wasnt even Catholic when they got married and still isnt Catholic but goes to Catholic church with her. And yet she says we cant get married unless im Catholic. AHHHH!!!!!!!!   this lady has no clue about anything. 

So, what I did was talk to her younger sister(her moms younger sister) to see if she can knock some sense into her. 

If anyone has any suggestions ide appreciate it. Im at the point of telling her mom off. 

This sounds exactly like my family. My mom is an outsider in the family and my dad doesn't stick up for her. They've been married for 24 years and it's only been in the last couple that my mom has gained any sought of foothold in the family circle. My grandmother is the "ringleader" and she does it with all her daughter-in-laws, not just my mom.  

I hope it doesn't take that long for it to improve for you, obviously your boyfriend isn't about to stand up for you in a hurry. Two years ago my mom cracked and she told her mother-in-law, very, very bluntly, about what she was feeling and the way the family treated her, and ever since things have started to improve. If trying to be friends doesn't work, maybe try to be blunt and tell them, calmly and respectfully, EXACTLY how you feel. Tell them you feel rejected by the family, tell them you feel ignored and ask why that is so. Maybe they simply haven't seen this from your point of view, and if they do they will become much more human. It worked for my mom, my grandmother has never been so apologetic in her life.  Maybe she's completely naive to your side of the story and completely unselfaware of herself.  

Yes I agree with you and we are all sexual beings in one way or another. I have a real hard time with the whole "keep it in the family" idea. So you keep it in the family so he can do it again to someone else.... I don't think so. It sounds like his lawyer has lost his marbles. I would have to think any jury who would have to sit and endure this painful part of you and your child's life you not be as easy on him as he and his lawyer think. Always remember juistice will prevail. It may not be the sentence he deserves but it will be with him for the rest of his life. More importantly your kids will remember you stood up for them. As for your husband I would give him time. I know this isn't what you want to do. He will come around on his own. I have learned how different we as females think vs. our husbands. When something comes up that's huge to deal with they go into the hibernating bear mode; when they are ready with a conclusion they emerge thier old selves and deal with the issue at hand. Just keep your strength up. Your head held high and know you are doing the right thing for your children. 

Stephanie