Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

I just got engaged last saturday. But before I asked my g/f if she would marry me and talked to her parents. Now im caucasian and she is vietnamese. Her dad's side of the family has a few white guys in it while her moms side of the family has no mixing of race in it. 

I asked her dad first and he seemed ok with it but wanted to sit down and talk with his wife and me at the same time.Ultimately she said I could under the following conditions. 

1. No marriage until college is done 

2. No moving out until college is done. 

I was fine with that. So the morning after I proposed to my g/f we were downstairs eating and her mother saw that she had on the ring. Her mom started raising her voice to my g/f saying stuff like. 

I dont want you to wear the ring to work, to school, or to any family functions. I was like what the hell????????.   Her mom tries to be very decietful by trying to make other family members think everything between cathy and I is proper. Well it isnt. I sleep over at her house in her room on the weekends and her parents are ok with it. Im sure they know that her daughter and I are sexually active. To me her mom is trying to play God by trying to control our lives. We (g/f and I) feel it would be beneficial for us to move in together before getting married so we can have the responsibility of taking care of something like that first instead of (what her mom wants us to do) get married then buy a house. We live in California and its alerady expensive enough just to live here. I dont think getting a house right off the bat is the best way to go. 

Also, they are Catholic. I am Christian. Her mom thinks she is hardcore Catholic but she doesnt follow any of the rules of the Catholic Church accept go to church on Saturday. 

She doesnt confess,she doesnt take communion. Her husband wasnt even Catholic when they got married and still isnt Catholic but goes to Catholic church with her. And yet she says we cant get married unless im Catholic. AHHHH!!!!!!!!   this lady has no clue about anything. 

So, what I did was talk to her younger sister(her moms younger sister) to see if she can knock some sense into her. 

If anyone has any suggestions ide appreciate it. Im at the point of telling her mom off. 

This is my first attempt at this message board - so hope it works! 

My husband, John passed away last April after 14 months of marriage. Each of us had been married before - my first husband died 1995 - the same year John was divorced. We both felt so lucky to find each other and begin ours lives again. John ahd a great sense of humor - a loveable smart ---. I admired his strength - both physical and mental - he had been in a wheelchair for 22 years after a car accident. My parents have passed away and I have no siblings and no children. It was exciting to join John's family -his mother and two sisters and their families. 

A few days after John died his mother offered to help clean out his things and told me when her husband died she threw away everything but his bathrobe. Almost every time we spoke after that she would offer and I finally told her that I probably wouldn't tackle cleaning out till summer vacation. 

The first week on June - vacation- she called early one morning, asking what I had planned for the day. I told her a friend was coming over to help me plant some flowers. She said "I'm going to act like you mother and I'm coming over today to clean out John's closet." I couldn't believe it - I told her that it was a very personnel decision about when to do that and I did not want that. She continued that it would be easier for her to do it than me and she felt it was the best thing to do. I said it was not her place to decide and that it was nobody's business if or when I ever cleaned out the closet. 

That was the last time I heard from anyone in the family. John's birthday was August 9 and although I knew his mom would not call I thought his sisters might. A few days later - at a mutual friends encouragement I wrote her a letter and sent it along with a photo of Johns I had found. I said that I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be to lose a child and no matter what his age John was still her first born son. I also said that I know he loves us both and that he would want us to help each other thru this and that would be the best tribute we could give him. 

A few days later she called thanking me for the card and said "I apologize, I was only trying to help" For some reason it didn't make me feel any better. I don't know if too much time passed or if I wrote it just to share my feelings or what?  

About two weeks later she called and left messages asking about school - and I never called back. I think I was afraid that she would "start again" and I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Early in November she left a message asking if she could come over sometime and pick up her tools - she had lived here while John was getting his Masters and we set a time. She and her daughter and grand daughter came over and while she went thru the garage taking her things the three of us talked. I hadn't seen/talked to my sister-in-law since the conversation with  her mother in June. She asked how I was doing and school and if I was doing better than this summer.  And she wanted me to be sure and call her if I decided to sell John's van - John was a paraplegic and so is her husband - to be sure and call. Also she wanted me to let her know if I would be selling his wheelchairs. 

That was the last time we spoke - I know the phone works both ways - but I'm wondering if I want to continue this relationship - I realize now that John was the buffer between his mom and myself and I know that I will not let her treat me the way she treats others. 

YIKES - what a lot of junk - if you possibly read this whole mess and have any ideas please let me know.     

Oh my goodness! 

It sounds like your feelings/wishes are being absolutely ignored. Your husband isn't addressing your needs regarding his parents, and his parents pretend, once a year, that they can just start all over again with you.. that is unacceptable.  

The sad part is, you can't do anything. You have tried; you've asked your husband to address your needs, but he is refusing. Ask yourself, why is he refusing? Why won't he put his wife first? Is there something he fears regarding the "loss" of his parents? Why is he so willing to sacrifice the respect that you deserve? Those are very important questions to think over honestly. There could be very serious reasons why he won't, or can't, ask them to respect you, perhaps psychological "stuff" leftover from childhood or something of that nature. Still, whatever it is, its not an excuse. It could be a reason, but not an excuse, for his behavior.  

Is alcohol a factor? Had he had a bit too much to drink, got to thinking about the relationship he wished he had with his parents, and then went ahead and made plans to get together... not even thinking about your feelings?  

It sounds like your husband is being very unfair to you. He has the power to confront his parents and ask that they respect his wife, and he isn't using that power. He is actually using your son as bait to get his parents to love HIM... and never points out that you are his wife, worthy of some respect. I recommend the book "toxic in-laws" by susan forward, it really helped me alot. I wish you all the best!! 

I just got engaged last saturday. But before I asked my g/f if she would marry me and talked to her parents. Now im caucasian and she is vietnamese. Her dad's side of the family has a few white guys in it while her moms side of the family has no mixing of race in it. 

I asked her dad first and he seemed ok with it but wanted to sit down and talk with his wife and me at the same time.Ultimately she said I could under the following conditions. 

1. No marriage until college is done 

2. No moving out until college is done. 

I was fine with that. So the morning after I proposed to my g/f we were downstairs eating and her mother saw that she had on the ring. Her mom started raising her voice to my g/f saying stuff like. 

I dont want you to wear the ring to work, to school, or to any family functions. I was like what the hell????????.   Her mom tries to be very decietful by trying to make other family members think everything between cathy and I is proper. Well it isnt. I sleep over at her house in her room on the weekends and her parents are ok with it. Im sure they know that her daughter and I are sexually active. To me her mom is trying to play God by trying to control our lives. We (g/f and I) feel it would be beneficial for us to move in together before getting married so we can have the responsibility of taking care of something like that first instead of (what her mom wants us to do) get married then buy a house. We live in California and its alerady expensive enough just to live here. I dont think getting a house right off the bat is the best way to go. 

Also, they are Catholic. I am Christian. Her mom thinks she is hardcore Catholic but she doesnt follow any of the rules of the Catholic Church accept go to church on Saturday. 

She doesnt confess,she doesnt take communion. Her husband wasnt even Catholic when they got married and still isnt Catholic but goes to Catholic church with her. And yet she says we cant get married unless im Catholic. AHHHH!!!!!!!!   this lady has no clue about anything. 

So, what I did was talk to her younger sister(her moms younger sister) to see if she can knock some sense into her. 

If anyone has any suggestions ide appreciate it. Im at the point of telling her mom off. 

Does anyone really have the RIGHT to keep parents from seeing their son/daughter or grandchildren?  Why can't we ignore a few slights or insults in the interest of family harmony and unity?  Everyone in the world is not going to respect us, but I think we can be more like blocks of ice and just let some comments slide.  It is not a good thing to keep sons or daughters from seeing their parents, even if you do not like them.  For the few times a year you see them, what would it hurt to just ignore their insults?   

I can see it causing strains in your own marriage if one feels deprived of his own family - - just to keep you happy.  How about going to counseling with your husband and his parents to try to work past the hurt feelings, or maybe go to counseling yourself first to get a thicker shell. Or, you might even try working on your own self-esteem issues, so their comments won't hurt to your core.  Do you feel the need to control your husband's reactions to his parents for some reason? 

I have been married to my wonderful husband for 36 years.  We have two grown children and three grandchildren.  Our life together hasn't always been easy, but we have worked through some major issues and, fortunately, come out on top. 

From day one, my fil decided that he didn't like me.  My husband was married, briefly, before I met him and my fil was very fond of the ex.  That she cheated on him and was the one who left and filed for divorce was of no consequence to my fil.   

For decades, I have tried to love and please my in-laws, but I have FINALLY come to the conclusion that this is a lost cause.   

My fil is, and always was, a very controlling and verbally abusive man.  His idea of  'encouraging' his four boys to find success was to pit them against one another.  Whoever was on top (made the most money, had the biggest house) was the hero and the other three paled in comparison.  The end result of this competition is that my husband and his brothers do not have a loving relationship.  The sad thing is that none of the brothers was ever able to stand up to their dad or recognize what he was doing to them.  Even sadder they are, for the most part, estranged emotionally from their father who now, at the end of his life, wants his 'boys' to rally around him.   

The man claims to be a devout Christian and now tells anyone who will listen that the members of his church care more about him than his own family.  Of course, the church folks have no idea what sort of father he has been to his sons.  Unfortunately, we have to deal with the fall-out from his claims. 

My mil has been a doormat for this man.  She has been the one who has tried to hold the family together.  Out of their love and respect for her, my husband and his brothers pay lip-service to their father and go through the motions of being good sons. 

This past weekend, after another blistering attack from my fil, I announced to my husband that I would NOT be going back to my in-laws house.  I cannot stand by and watch my fil hurt and disrespect my husband, to say nothing of my own feelings.  My husband will not stand up to his dad.  That is a given.  He never has and he never will.   

I know that the man is old and sick.  I just don't feel that his age and infirmity should give him a pass for bad behavior.  Of course, I won't confront him with my feelings.  I just won't be a witness to this kind of treatment anymore.  Does that make me a bad person?