Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Dear gradmabear, 

In response to the reply to my original quote.  In no way have I ever kept my husband from his parents.  Through these last 8 months I have encouraged him to call his father when he has mentioned it.  My issue is based on what was said to me and my not being ready to see them yet let alone have them in my home! 

There is a BIG difference between a few slights or insults and what has happened.  I have let the slights and insults go over for 5 years in the interest of family harmony.  The last straw was when I was called the devil, told that they were going to sue me for custody of my son as they felt I was not a good parent (I don't parent like them), they were going to kidnap my son and leave the country, my husband was only married to me because he felt obligated as he was returning to school, my husband would have left me if we did not have my son.  Needless to say my husband has no intentions of leaving me.  Then.......they go on to say that my husband is dead to them.  They no longer have a son or grandson.  They also say that as long as I am in the picture they will continue to have nothing to do with my husband. 

Now, we have seen them twice since my post.  They act as if nothing has happened.  I will say to you.  I have a very thick shell to put up with these kinds of insults for 5 years.  Again, I have no need to control my husband's reactions.  I just want my son to understand that it is never okay to speak to someone this way and that I have every right to be comfortable in my own home. 

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years.  In the time that we were planning our wedding, his family gave us nothing but problems.  From the wording of the invitation, to the color of the flowers everything was a major obstacle..  I tried to include the mil in the planning, and she would say that's wonderful to my face, but behind my back she would change her tune.  She would then call her two daughters and complain to them, and they in turn would call my husband and complain to him.  We had so many arguments about how he refused to "take care of the situation" that our wedding came into serious jeopardy.  Two days before the wedding I had a huge argument with his sisters.  I told them I was tired of them starting trouble and to keep there mouths shut until after the wedding.  I haven't spoken to them since.  The last time I spoke to my mil was two weeks after the wedding when we returned from our honeymoon.  After all, how dare I tell her precious daughters to butt out of my wedding.  Oh, before I forget, she has not spoken to either daughter in the past 6 months because she is "mad at them".  So much for familial love.   

Since our wedding, every Christmas card that my mil sends to the house is addressed to my husband only.  No mention of me on the envelope or in the card.  While my husband is annoyed by this, he refuses to say anything.  So last Christmas I saw her card in the mailbox and opened it (I usually don't bother).  In it was a little note expressing her displeasure in me as her d-i-l.  She also enclosed $10 with the promise of more money if he would just divorce me.  I was so livid I couldn't even see straight.  I shredded the card and never said a word to my husband.  Now a year later I am in possession of another card.  I haven't opened it, but again it is only addressed to my husband.  What should I do?  Hand it over?  She writes him letters all the time (she lives in another country) and it makes me wonder what she writes in those letters.  Why does my husband feel this is acceptable behavior from this woman?  She has terrorized her other daughter-in-law to the point where she doesn't allow her to see the kids.  My husband moved to the US to get away from her, he even left home at 15 to escape her.  She is controlling, child beating, b**ch, and yet he doesn't want to upset her which he feels would happen if he told her to stop her behavior.   

My  fear is having children.  I will never ever let this women alone with my child or my husband and child.  I would not be able to trust him.  She would bad-mouth me in front of my child while my husband sits there and says nothing.  He thinks because she would be their grandmother she gets automatic rights to them.  I think she has to earn her way into our family.  She's going to have to go through me, and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever let her see my child outside of my presence.   

I come from a very happy loving extended family.  Everyone gets along, there are no problems.  There is love and support for everyone.  His family is the exact opposite.  There is always someone not speaking to someone else.  Competition "to be the best" in their mothers eyes is also a problem.  My husband and I went to Europe recently and had to keep it a secret from his family.  When we got back and told his one brother the only thing he could say was "pity you couldn't have been here for mothers birthday".  He didn't speak to her for 10 years, but if my husband had been there for his mothers birthday his brother would have looked like a hero to his mother.  He could have told everyone that he got my husband there for her birthday.  Never mind me.  I guess I was just supposed to sit around waiting for my husband.   

So I guess my main question goes back to the card and future children.  What am I going to do?   

Diana 

My husband has worked with his father in his fathers bussiness ever since he was a teen. He is now in his 30's. We have children. We have been married for almost 7 years now and for the last 6 years, we have never received a tax refund. My husbands gross pay is 600.00/week. His father holds out 100.00/week for child support that my husband owes and 100.00/week for taxes. His bring home pay is 400.00/week. His father claims him as a partner in his bussiness (even though he really isnt). He does this for tax purposes only. His father holds these taxes out of my husbands check but we never get a refund. The tax accountant said that my husbands refund is being rolled over to pay his social security that he owes. (now keep in mind his father holds this money out of my husbands check). So therefore we are not entitled to a refund, we have to pay! my husband told his father last year that he had better send in his taxes so we can get a refund for this year. But guess what? We have to pay again! (actually, we just dont get a refund). Shouldnt his father have to pay us our refund himself since he held the money out of his check? My husband is not a partner with his dad in his dads bussiness. My husband has never received any profits of the money made. His dad does this for his own tax purposes! I feel we are being cheated out of our refund by his father. This year my husband is doing his own bussiness and he has his own employees that he has to pay. He is no longer working for his dad. BUT...his dad is planning on claiming my husband again NEXT year as his partner. He cant do this! My husband is scared to say anything to his dad for some reason. But I am tired of it. We are entitled to unearned income due to the kids, but dont get it because of his father claiming my husband as his partner when he really isnt! How can I get my husband to "open" his eyes as to what is going on, before I decide to leave him because of it? His parents dont have anything to do with us.  They are such control freaks over my husband. They use my husband to their own gain. How can I stop this?

Harobe, glad to see you back! The inlaws came down about 3 weeks ago but did not get out of the truck. They had to get something from my husband. Our kids were walking right in front of the truck and my mil said hey to my son but my son just looked at her and kept on walking. Our daughter was right next to my son and she didnt even say anything to her. I was outside too and the kids were walking to me but mil acted as though she didnt see me, she just kept her head down. It has been 10 months since they spoke to me or even seen the kids. I am tired of them. I am tired and angry especially about the income tax refund! These people dont care about us.