Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Well, I have to agree. You must choose to take matters of education, your son, and your father in to your own hands. It is nice that family would like to provide an education for someone you love...however..sounds like this family used it only as a ploy to keep you controlled.  

 I don't know your family but from what you have expressed it may be only a matter of time before they tell your son all about how you prospered at their expense. Can you risk that?   

Far better to take on the struggle on your own, succeed, and avoid the complications. Not all gifts are as they appear...no matter how tempting the prize. No one should have  to struggle to please these people...it is a false pretense. It will catch up with you eventually. 

 I hope you will sever the dependence as far as the money goes..that can then open up another avenue to the relationship you will have with them. As long as you take from them seems to me they have some say in what direction your life goes....therefore you are in dangerous territory. Change the scenery and go from there. Sounds simple but could prove to be one of the most difficult challenges you will ever face. Your son is more than worth it !! Good Luck!! 

To address the issue of your son going there- my advice is to trust your instincts!! These people have proven to you that they don't care about your feelings or rules as a parent. I don't blame you for not taking him over there much! If I were you, I would also limit the amount of time my son went there. If they complain about your parents seeing him more- then thats your cue to step in with the reasons why they get to see him more often. Its because they are respectful of your rules as a parent, and you don't worry as much when he is with them. Your son deserves the best in life, it is your duty as his mom to protect him from any harm. If the in-laws want to see their grandson, what you should do is invite them over once in awhile for lunch/breakfast- a time of day when there shouldn't be drinking and you will be there to supervise. Make it a new family tradition, its worth a try to give them the chance to stay in his life. If they don't want to make the effort to come to your home, then its obvious that they only have their own best interests in mind. I wish you the best in this coming holiday season!! My advice is to spend as little time as possible with them until others are ready and willing to help in conducting an intervention. You can't do it on your own. 

Yes I agree her behavior is very odd!! 

However she might be doing it just to push buttons... so don't allow her to have that power over you. Of course this is annoying, but you can't give her the power to stir up negative energy in your life, right?  

My advice is to ignore her ring when she's around... she is probably dieing for you to mention something about it~! 

Hi!   

I think it might be helpful to have some family counseling on this one. You and your husband could go. 

  I have a brother-in-law who is an alcoholic and he can only have "supervised" visits with his grandchildren. His daughter started out not letting him see them at all. This caused worsened drinking bouts and more depression, she decided to try and make an effort  by always being present when the children were with him. It seems to be working out pretty well now. 

 I'm just suggesting that you set rules...make them clear...you then have control over leaving when you choose...the child is protected by you...and the nap issue can certainly be worked out.  

The reason I suggest some counseling is that we, most of the time, never find out all the reasons why people drink..in other words..abuse themselves and make others miserable.  

Interventions are possible and some work very well. It must be planned and must be in the best interest of the people involved...then followed to the letter. If a family as a whole is willing to do it then they must stick by all the rules...no contact....depriving the persons of their presence, etc. If the family is willing to take this on ,then, of course, all must do it in order for it to work. Not all families are as committed to it as one might see on television or in the movies. It is very serious business with varied results and complications. It's a great tool and can be one of the best as long as everyone is clear about what steps must be taken and sticking to the agenda.  

You and your husband, then, must decide if you wish to take steps to keep the child away from them on your own..or...the entire family must come together and make a committment. Many times one or two people try to lay down the law to alcoholics, they sometimes find themselves all alone in doing so.  

The matter with your child must be addressed by the two you. If you truly believe that these people love this child.(which doesn't mean because they do that they won't drink, put the child in a car, and place him in danger..that's what alcoholism is) then perhaps letting them see him with supervision could be the first step. You then will be there to ward off any danger, to assess how the child is being affected, and then will be able to take appropriate action. It may be hard to plan these visits, but, as we know, any child is worth that.  

I know that my brother-in-law loves his grandchildren. He is a stubborn, selfish man. But, we have seen a different side of him when he is able to enjoy the kids. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but,  to me, his daughter is to be commended for thinking outside that box...or to say...looking in to the heart. So far it is going well, I'm sure that isn't always the case with everyone. That is why I think counseling is so important.  

You could shorten the length of visits and then perhaps have more visits.  It's possible that they love him, but, they can't sustain several hours with a three-year-old without needing to put him down for a nap, then, a few drinks for them!  PLEASE don't think I am making light of this,because I am not!    My daughter has 3 really good kids....ages 5, 2, and 7 months. I love them with all my heart, but, after a few hours...even I could stand a stiff one!  

As you can see..I keep bringing up the issue here of "love". If you and your husband feel that they don't really care about the child..if it's not important that he sustain a relationship with them..then that's a different story.  

We had a person in our family with a doctorate degree...witty..likeable..loving. Everyone in our family was afraid to do an intervention. After all, he was the brightest and best to come along in many years. I use to tell them all the time..."Yeah, the smartest one in the family is drinking himself to death..what's wrong with that picture?"   

Fear of alienation is a tremendous deterent to the right thing ...and even more so when it involves...family.  

Good Luck to you..I hope this all works out for everyone! 

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years.  My MIL has hated me from the second she saw me and on our first meeting was highly insulting about me to my girlfriend.  She has been rude and controlling throughout and has continued to make nasty comments about me and my family which my girlfriend did not challenge opting to 'ignore it' and deny to me that her mother disliked me. 

Our relationship has had some problems, some of it stemming from the treatment I have got from her family.  By my own admission I haven't been perfect  and no one is but the problems we have had have been mainly about my girlfriends domestic violence, lies, and infidelity.  Whenever there has been a problem, my MIL has blamed me entirely, calling me names and urging my girlfriend to leave me because I'm the problem.  My girlfriend hasn't made that any better by lying to her family about the real cause of the problems so she didn't have to tell them what she had done wrong. 

I love my girlfriend very much but her entire family are now against me.  They call me names, blame me entirely for the problems, accuse me of all sorts of things that are just not true.  My girlfriend has tried to talk to them about the situation but they refuse to listen and claim it is me 'controlling her', 'telling her to say it', and 'making her believe everything is her fault'.  They are so full of hate for me, they have gone so far to condone the abuse and infidelity saying it is understandable and justified to cheat or abuse me.  I can't believe that anyone would say that behaviour like that is right.   

We are working on the problems and things are improving but I feel that with them making matters worse and her family all living in the same town as us, it is reaching a point where they need to be told to keep out of our lives.  Am I being unfair?  My girlfriend agrees that they are totally unreasonable and unfair to me, she admits poisoning them against me but the situation now is they do not believe her when she tells them that she has not been honest with them.  We would both like to go forward and get engaged but with so much hate for me and their refusal to accept me or my innocence in most of this, I feel like it has to be an us or them situation.  Any advice? 

This is a common problem that people have! I've seen atleast two couples on dr. phil with this very same issue. What has happened is that your girlfriend was seeking comfort and validation from her family, in the process of seeking that, she told them bad things about you, and now the two of you are together but her family is "poisoned" against you. 

I recall what Dr. Phil's advice was to the couples who were in the same situation as you: First you and your girlfriend need to make a pact, a resolution of sorts with one another, that when you have problems in your relationship, that her family doesn't need to know anything about it. If she needs to talk to someone about her troubles, she should seek out a friend, or even better- discuss the issue with YOU. The two of you need to be willing to rise above your past troubles and start a fresh phase in your relationship.  She doesn't need to keep asking them to forget the things she said in the past, what needs to happen is to just "let go.." because she has already asked them to forget about that stuff, but they think thats you being manipulative. You need to change your tactics, because thats not working! Yes, it would be nice if her family could do the same... but they can't. They can't do it because they have been told terrible things about you, and those things just don't go away... the only thing that is going to help your situation is TIME. With time, you can prove to her family that you are a kind and loving mate to her. When your girlfriend talks to her family, she should talk about whats going good in life, and she should ask them questions about them to keep the topic off of you. 

You are not being unfair. Think about it this way; her family probably loves her and wants the best for her, but they have been told that you are not good to her, so they are protective of her. You need to prove them wrong. I wish you the best!!