Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws
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January 4, 2006, 2:32 pm PST
 Quote From: swblyb2 My hushand and I are on our 2nd marriage. We both had very rough divorces. My husbands ex is still giving him a very tough time as far as seeing the kids. She takes him to court all the time. His mother has the wedding pictures from his 1st wedding and he wants her to get rid of them, he said it is from a very bad part of his life. His mother will not get rid of them she would prefer to keep the pictures then to talk to her son. He will not cave about this. Just wonder ehat everyone thinks It's highly likely that if he talked to his mother about it, she wants the pictures because they are very nice ones of HIM. She may not care about the the other person in them at all. If this is the case, there are many options nowadays for cropping old pictures. She can have some nice ones of her son, and give the originals back to your husband so he can use them for target practice or whatever. Another reason I can see for her wanting to keep them is for the kids. I have my wedding pictures from my first marriage to give to my son from that marriage, if he ever wants them. I want him to know that there was a time when we cared about each other, that we weren't always angry and hating each other. I think it's important for kids to know that. As long as she doesn't have them out for display, I think your husband should try to be graceful enough to let her keep them. In time it may not be so painful to him. |
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January 4, 2006, 2:53 pm PST
Quote From: bamshang Sorry this is long. I am desperate. I am this close to spending a fortune on counseling, so I'll try this first. I have a problem regarding my MIL and her dependence upon my DH and me. It started before we had even met, when MIL was literally stranded after a terrible divorce from FIL. She moved in with DH and lived with him for 3 years before we even met. He has the utmost respect for her; she's a very nice lady, and deserves respect. However, she is not capable of surviving on her own, or, she has made the decision, with the blessing of my pre-marriage DH, that she won't ever have to survive on her own. The reasons for her inability to function in society stem from many reasons, but her view is that, since she spent her life from 24 years old on staying home playing with her children, she never gained any real-world work experience. So, now she does not work, and DH has been supporting her. Before we were engaged, DH had to move out of his house because it was being sold. MIL volunteered all her money from the divorce (down to the last red cent) as a down payment on a house, which they found together and purchased and moved into. This was the house that they were living in at the time that we got engaged. The plan is that we will eventually buy a house in the same neighborhood, which is fine with me. However, she is locked into a really bad real estate deal (which is what happens when you buy a house with virtually no real down payment) and we have to all put forth great effort just to pay the mortgage, which is here for 30 years. I am not happy living in this house, mostly because it's a very old house, and will require a lot of work for it to be halfway decent, and also because it's too small for a child to really enjoy. Not to mention, there's no storage. Anyway, the problem is that this was all arranged before I came into the picture, and so I was expected to be okay with the current situation. Admittedly, I didn't really rock the boat too much in the beginning. However, now, 2 years into the marriage and the situation, I'm very tired of it! I love my DH with all my heart, and cannot imagine what my life would be like without him. He does, for the most part, put me first with everything, and he is sensitive to my needs. He has pledged to do everything in his power to make all my dreams come true. The problem is that I'm worried that the only way that we will be able to afford to have a nice house with room for all of our (future) children will involve cutting MIL loose. We cannot shoulder her debt on top of what we need. She would probably end up a ward of the state or something, which just won't happen if DH can help it. I don't want to ask him to choose me or her, but I'm so sick of this living situation. At what point do I put up and shut up, since this has been the living arrangement since I met my DH, and at what point do I get to say, "When you get married, things have to change,"??? This has been the only source of argument in my marriage. We have argued a few times, mostly because my DH doesn't know what to do. I've been writing a 7-page explanation of the boundaries I need, and why I want to live separately from her. If talking about it seems to go nowhere, would it be better to just give him what I've written? Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening. Please respond! From what you write it sounds like you owe more on the house than you can sell it for at the moment, correct? There's no easy way around this. I'm sorry you weren't on hand when your husband chose the house with his mother, but that's the decision he made. To make the situation better you need to make a plan, and stick with it until things DO get better. To be able to sell the house without incurring debt means you have to pay down the mortgage, or make improvements to make it more valuable. Both of these courses of action take money. You don't say whether you have a child yet, just that the house is too small for one. If both you and your husband work, maybe a second job for either or both of you will help to put money into the house. I hear your impatience with the MIL loud and clear. I'm sure she could find some sort of way to earn some money also, but don't forget that your husband would not have even this house if not for her contributing to buying it. Don't overlook the fact that she deserves to live there as much as you do. Owning a house allows you to take bigger deductions from taxes, use the extra to put back into the house, in order to shorten the time you have to live in it. I'm sorry I have no better options to give you, but it seems like most people have to learn real estate the hard way. I, too, spent way too much for a house that I was "trapped" in for awhile. If you stand by your plan, and have a date set for moving out, it makes the time in between better. |
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January 4, 2006, 3:16 pm PST
Quote From: cleopatra1 I have a huge problem. One I never would have imagined happening. It is a nightmare for me. How do I start....from the beginning.....several months back my daughter had called my daughter in law concerning an upsetting family matter. My daughter in law decided she did not want to discuss the matter with her and told her that in a very offensive manner. This upset my daughter as she was expecting someone to share feeling with and was taken aback by the response she got. My daughter and I are very close and after that conversation she called me and was very upset and crying because of the response she had gotten. Of course it upset me that there was yet another problem going on in our family. It was very depressing and upsetting to me which will make me become quiet . I had to think and decided that while the situation was bad , the problem was with the two of them and not with me ....I did not want to take sides and jepopardize my relationship with my daughter-in-law. In the meanwhile, my daughter in law asked me if I was upset with her and had told her no but that I was just upset about family problems in general.....Somehow my daughter in law decided that I must be upset with her(I was not) and kept talking about it with my son....My son finally called me and asked me if I was upset with his wife ......I confessed that I had been upset but not directly at her.....and that I had made the decision not to interfer or take sides because I did not want to jeopardize my relationship with her" He got very upset with me and said I should have told her.....that "it" was very important to her......I again said there was nothing to talk about and I was not upset with her......Next thing I know, my daugher in law is totally angry with me (Fuming) So, she says she wants to talk about it and I called her by phone.....I was totally blown away by her anger and the way she talked to me.....I explained (again) that the situation was between her and my daughter and I was not taking sides.....I am trying to explain but she is unrelenting......she calls me a gossip? I asked her to tell me what that is. and I say we were not gossiping....still she is fired up......by then I am getting totally angry at her....I say I think you are being rude and disrespectful to me....she replies....that she thinkgs I am being rude and disrespectful to her.....??? I say I do not understand and I do not understand her. She replies she does not understand me....I am still in shock at this whole conversation......then she something to the effect "well have we gotten all the talked out now?? I am furious at this point....she is now evidently finished venting and thinks everything should now be back to normal.....I am in total disbelief that she is serious. We have always had a good relationship in the past , I have never seen this side of her and I am completely blown away by her anger. She is about 30 and I am 61. Evedently, this how she and her mother talk with each other and also with my son......I send my son a note and tell him I am apalled by all of this, do not understand and think she has been rude and disrespectful to me over something I do not think deserves a second glance. Now my son is angry with me. I see her(my daughter in law) every am briefly and connot even stand the sight of her. I am angry and hurt , do not understand and think she owes me an apology. Now my son is angry and I have not seen my grandaugher for 3 months. I have tried to explain my side but to no avail..... You're daughter-in-law went ballistic because your daughter talked with you about a matter that she had no time or compassion to talk with her (your daughter) about. Believe me, I'm not asking for details here, but it must have been something that involved your daughter-in-law, and she did not like the idea of your daughter telling you about it. By her actions I would say that she is pretty ashamed that you know, and doesn't like feeling that way, so she's taking it out on you. Sound like a fair assumption? The fact that your son is taking her side sounds like he's also involved and not proud of himself, or the fact that you know about it either. Are they both being this hateful to your daughter also? After all, she's the one who told you about it. By what you write that your DIL says when she is arguing with you, she is using her over-the-top anger to distract you from the real issue, whatever it is that they didn't want you to know. Since they are forcing an opinion from you, and making you miserable even though you are trying to remain neutral, maybe you should just voice your true opinion. They are acting like you have condemned them anyway, so if they deserve it, let it be known. It can't be any worse than what they are doing now, can it? If they won't let you remain neutral, don't. |
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January 4, 2006, 3:23 pm PST
Quote From: ritehere From what you write it sounds like you owe more on the house than you can sell it for at the moment, correct? There's no easy way around this. I'm sorry you weren't on hand when your husband chose the house with his mother, but that's the decision he made. To make the situation better you need to make a plan, and stick with it until things DO get better. To be able to sell the house without incurring debt means you have to pay down the mortgage, or make improvements to make it more valuable. Both of these courses of action take money. You don't say whether you have a child yet, just that the house is too small for one. If both you and your husband work, maybe a second job for either or both of you will help to put money into the house. I hear your impatience with the MIL loud and clear. I'm sure she could find some sort of way to earn some money also, but don't forget that your husband would not have even this house if not for her contributing to buying it. Don't overlook the fact that she deserves to live there as much as you do. Owning a house allows you to take bigger deductions from taxes, use the extra to put back into the house, in order to shorten the time you have to live in it. I'm sorry I have no better options to give you, but it seems like most people have to learn real estate the hard way. I, too, spent way too much for a house that I was "trapped" in for awhile. If you stand by your plan, and have a date set for moving out, it makes the time in between better. I have a whole problem with perfectly capable grown woman using her children for money like that. I would sit down and clearly lay out what your plan of action is for you three. I think she could and should get some sort of job. Hope this helps. Stephanie |
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January 4, 2006, 5:15 pm PST
Quote From: cleopatra1 I have a huge problem. One I never would have imagined happening. It is a nightmare for me. How do I start....from the beginning.....several months back my daughter had called my daughter in law concerning an upsetting family matter. My daughter in law decided she did not want to discuss the matter with her and told her that in a very offensive manner. This upset my daughter as she was expecting someone to share feeling with and was taken aback by the response she got. My daughter and I are very close and after that conversation she called me and was very upset and crying because of the response she had gotten. Of course it upset me that there was yet another problem going on in our family. It was very depressing and upsetting to me which will make me become quiet . I had to think and decided that while the situation was bad , the problem was with the two of them and not with me ....I did not want to take sides and jepopardize my relationship with my daughter-in-law. In the meanwhile, my daughter in law asked me if I was upset with her and had told her no but that I was just upset about family problems in general.....Somehow my daughter in law decided that I must be upset with her(I was not) and kept talking about it with my son....My son finally called me and asked me if I was upset with his wife ......I confessed that I had been upset but not directly at her.....and that I had made the decision not to interfer or take sides because I did not want to jeopardize my relationship with her" He got very upset with me and said I should have told her.....that "it" was very important to her......I again said there was nothing to talk about and I was not upset with her......Next thing I know, my daugher in law is totally angry with me (Fuming) So, she says she wants to talk about it and I called her by phone.....I was totally blown away by her anger and the way she talked to me.....I explained (again) that the situation was between her and my daughter and I was not taking sides.....I am trying to explain but she is unrelenting......she calls me a gossip? I asked her to tell me what that is. and I say we were not gossiping....still she is fired up......by then I am getting totally angry at her....I say I think you are being rude and disrespectful to me....she replies....that she thinkgs I am being rude and disrespectful to her.....??? I say I do not understand and I do not understand her. She replies she does not understand me....I am still in shock at this whole conversation......then she something to the effect "well have we gotten all the talked out now?? I am furious at this point....she is now evidently finished venting and thinks everything should now be back to normal.....I am in total disbelief that she is serious. We have always had a good relationship in the past , I have never seen this side of her and I am completely blown away by her anger. She is about 30 and I am 61. Evedently, this how she and her mother talk with each other and also with my son......I send my son a note and tell him I am apalled by all of this, do not understand and think she has been rude and disrespectful to me over something I do not think deserves a second glance. Now my son is angry with me. I see her(my daughter in law) every am briefly and connot even stand the sight of her. I am angry and hurt , do not understand and think she owes me an apology. Now my son is angry and I have not seen my grandaugher for 3 months. I have tried to explain my side but to no avail..... As Dr Phil would say, would you rather get along, or would you rather be right?? If you are going to wait around for an apology, then you could be waiting for a long time.. and in the meanwhile, your grand child is the one missing out. I can understand that your feelings would be hurt, but isn't it best to be the bigger person, let this blow over, and get on with life? If you allow yourself to simmer and stew about this matter forever, you are giving your DIL power over your life. Is an apology from her so important that it is worth not seeing your grandchild? |
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January 5, 2006, 6:35 am PST
Quote From: ritehere It's highly likely that if he talked to his mother about it, she wants the pictures because they are very nice ones of HIM. She may not care about the the other person in them at all. If this is the case, there are many options nowadays for cropping old pictures. She can have some nice ones of her son, and give the originals back to your husband so he can use them for target practice or whatever. Another reason I can see for her wanting to keep them is for the kids. I have my wedding pictures from my first marriage to give to my son from that marriage, if he ever wants them. I want him to know that there was a time when we cared about each other, that we weren't always angry and hating each other. I think it's important for kids to know that. As long as she doesn't have them out for display, I think your husband should try to be graceful enough to let her keep them. In time it may not be so painful to him. Thank you for the reply. My Mil is a very controlling person. She is only keeping the pictures because my DH wants her to get rid of them. My Dhs ex was very nasty to them in the past but for some reason that is ok with them. Also ex has a very big name($$$) is our community so MIL goes out 30 miles to go to the same grogery store and flower shop just hoping to run into her. Aside from my Dh wanting the pictures gone the truth is I do to. They have no pictures form our wedding and they do not want any. To me that is very hurtful. My DH and I have a great realationship which I am so lucky. One again I appreaciate your input |
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January 5, 2006, 7:10 am PST
Quote From: ritehere From what you write it sounds like you owe more on the house than you can sell it for at the moment, correct? There's no easy way around this. I'm sorry you weren't on hand when your husband chose the house with his mother, but that's the decision he made. To make the situation better you need to make a plan, and stick with it until things DO get better. To be able to sell the house without incurring debt means you have to pay down the mortgage, or make improvements to make it more valuable. Both of these courses of action take money. You don't say whether you have a child yet, just that the house is too small for one. If both you and your husband work, maybe a second job for either or both of you will help to put money into the house. I hear your impatience with the MIL loud and clear. I'm sure she could find some sort of way to earn some money also, but don't forget that your husband would not have even this house if not for her contributing to buying it. Don't overlook the fact that she deserves to live there as much as you do. Owning a house allows you to take bigger deductions from taxes, use the extra to put back into the house, in order to shorten the time you have to live in it. I'm sorry I have no better options to give you, but it seems like most people have to learn real estate the hard way. I, too, spent way too much for a house that I was "trapped" in for awhile. If you stand by your plan, and have a date set for moving out, it makes the time in between better. Yes, the situation is quite complicated. The house wouldn't cost that much if we could just pay it off all at once. It's the financing that is robbing us blind. My husband and I can afford the monthly mortgage ourselves, so I'm going to suggest we borrow money from my mom (who has plenty to go around) and buy a mobile home for MIL that can be on the same property. I think financially we could do it. The problem is breaking the news to my H that this has become unacceptable to me and after years of being together all in one house, I've suddenly changed my mind. It's not sudden, obviously, but he's going to see it as MY problem and that I have to change my "attitude" about it. My argument will be that I'm his wife and his loyalty must lie 100% with me. He will argue that this was the deal from the beginning, and it is unfair for me to now ask for a total change in the way it's set up. My real question to everyone is how to I handle this argument once we have it? I don't know if I would be willing to walk away from our marriage over this, or if I would regret it if I did in fact walk away. I don't know if I'm being selfish and I will always want more than what we have, or if this truly is driving me crazy and a drastic change has to be made. Thanks for listening, I appreciate the support.
:) |
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January 5, 2006, 7:14 am PST
Quote From: 1stbabydue I have a whole problem with perfectly capable grown woman using her children for money like that. I would sit down and clearly lay out what your plan of action is for you three. I think she could and should get some sort of job. Hope this helps. Stephanie Yes, I agree. We need a plan of action. I'm going to present my plan (see my response above) but I'm worried about how to convince my (very stubborn and very loyal) H that making me the priority means giving in to my need to live separately from his mother.
Thanks again! I appreciate all the responses!! |
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January 5, 2006, 7:20 am PST
My MIL has succeeded once again at getting her way and making everyone around her miserable. Every year we go to her house on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, which ever my husband is off. He is a paramedic and usually has to work one or the other and he works 24hr. shifts. This year, though, he was off both days. We were excited because that meant that we wouldn't have to rush to see everyone. We have always had Christmas with my family on Christmas Eve night at our house. That is also when my brother-in-law and his wife do Christmas with her family, so that works great. We don't have to work around 3 different schedules. Well, my MIL lives in a trailer and it is very small and crowded. There are 4 of us and 4 in my brother-in-law's family and 2 more with my MIL and her boyfriend. within that number, there are 3 girls, aged 4, 5, and 9. There is also 1 boy aged 6. They can not go in any other room of the house except the living room, where there is no room. They can't play becuase there is nothing for them to play with and the only thing her boyfriend will put the TV on is football. So, they end up getting in trouble for trying to have fun.
This year I asked my husband if he thought he would be awful to suggest to his mother that we do Christmas at either our house or his brother's house. His brother's wife agreed. My husband thought that was a great idea. He suggested it to his mother and told her that way the kids could still play with their toys from Santa and we could all be together. You would have thought that he had asked her to donate a kidney!! She said that SHE had more presents to carry than anyone and why should SHE have to drag all those presents (most were gift cards, btw) to someone else's house. Then, she wanted us at her house at 11 on Christmas Day. Well, my husband, on his own this time, told her that he had both days off this year and he was not rushing anywhere. If we got there at 11 fine, but that was Christmas morning and he wanted to spend that time with his family.
She got very mad and did not call the house for over a week. She also called my brother's wife, who I am very close to, and told her that she KNEW that I was standing over my husband the whole time telling him he BETTER ask me to have it somewhere else. She also told her that my husband said that he wanted to spend time with the kids, "like we don't see them everyday."
So, we get to her house and not only are all 8 of us there, her boyfriend's daughter, her husband and her 2 small children are there. Total, there were 14 people in this cramped little trailer!!! And we had to open presents!! It was total chaos!! My husband says he has had it with having holidays with her there. There is just not enough room.
The problem is that it is not enough for her to just be with the family on holidays. It has to be about her! She has to be the one to do the cooking so that she can be the one to get the praise. She will not even come to my house for a meal. And very seldom will she come to my borther-in-law's. I don't have a problem with her cooking at my house. I just will not suffer through another holiday in that cramped trailer with everyone yelling at my children because they want to play!! How do I handle this?? I think that my husband will stand behind any decision that I make. He has had it too! |
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January 5, 2006, 8:28 am PST
Quote From: tsalvis My MIL has succeeded once again at getting her way and making everyone around her miserable. Every year we go to her house on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, which ever my husband is off. He is a paramedic and usually has to work one or the other and he works 24hr. shifts. This year, though, he was off both days. We were excited because that meant that we wouldn't have to rush to see everyone. We have always had Christmas with my family on Christmas Eve night at our house. That is also when my brother-in-law and his wife do Christmas with her family, so that works great. We don't have to work around 3 different schedules. Well, my MIL lives in a trailer and it is very small and crowded. There are 4 of us and 4 in my brother-in-law's family and 2 more with my MIL and her boyfriend. within that number, there are 3 girls, aged 4, 5, and 9. There is also 1 boy aged 6. They can not go in any other room of the house except the living room, where there is no room. They can't play becuase there is nothing for them to play with and the only thing her boyfriend will put the TV on is football. So, they end up getting in trouble for trying to have fun.
This year I asked my husband if he thought he would be awful to suggest to his mother that we do Christmas at either our house or his brother's house. His brother's wife agreed. My husband thought that was a great idea. He suggested it to his mother and told her that way the kids could still play with their toys from Santa and we could all be together. You would have thought that he had asked her to donate a kidney!! She said that SHE had more presents to carry than anyone and why should SHE have to drag all those presents (most were gift cards, btw) to someone else's house. Then, she wanted us at her house at 11 on Christmas Day. Well, my husband, on his own this time, told her that he had both days off this year and he was not rushing anywhere. If we got there at 11 fine, but that was Christmas morning and he wanted to spend that time with his family.
She got very mad and did not call the house for over a week. She also called my brother's wife, who I am very close to, and told her that she KNEW that I was standing over my husband the whole time telling him he BETTER ask me to have it somewhere else. She also told her that my husband said that he wanted to spend time with the kids, "like we don't see them everyday."
So, we get to her house and not only are all 8 of us there, her boyfriend's daughter, her husband and her 2 small children are there. Total, there were 14 people in this cramped little trailer!!! And we had to open presents!! It was total chaos!! My husband says he has had it with having holidays with her there. There is just not enough room.
The problem is that it is not enough for her to just be with the family on holidays. It has to be about her! She has to be the one to do the cooking so that she can be the one to get the praise. She will not even come to my house for a meal. And very seldom will she come to my borther-in-law's. I don't have a problem with her cooking at my house. I just will not suffer through another holiday in that cramped trailer with everyone yelling at my children because they want to play!! How do I handle this?? I think that my husband will stand behind any decision that I make. He has had it too! My MIL does the same thing! She has to cook everything and have all of the holidays in thier two room trailer which is falling apart. She won't even baby proof it so the kids are safe! It drives me nuts to go over there! My husband's brother has 9 kids! We have two and my in laws have 3 dogs! I want to tranquilize myself to go over there! I also think it's natural for our MIL's to think thier dear sons would never ever not want to do what thier mother tells them to do. Isn't it mind boggling? Grown men can't think for themselves it's all of our fault! My MIL has a huge hissy fit whenever we go see my family which live 4 hours away! My husbands family live 10 minutes from us. Whenever we invite them over for dinner they always have an excuse. However when she invited us over we are supposed to drop everything and be there for the whole day. Okay onto what I have done as of late and it seems to be working....... My husband and I decided that we couldn't do it anymore. So we decided to have everyone over here. After she complained about what I was cooking, what time we were having it and how she would miss her soap operas... She decided to come. However for New Years she wanted it back at her house with all the kids and everything. We said we were going to stay at home if she insisited we all went there. Well when she found out both of her son's and all of her grand kids were going to be over here she sang a different tune. I might be rambling... Bottom line is pick a plan and stick to it. It's rough at first. Remember her son will never to the one to blame we always will. However when the day comes and you can relax knowing your children aren't hanging themselves with the cords she won't put up, and have more than enough room to be kids. You will feel so much better. If your MIL doesn't want to haul gifts go get them for her... I hope this has helped you. Stephanie |
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