Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

I  could write the book on controlling inlaws.  I, too, have been dealing with this situation for a long time- about 20 years actually.  It started from when I first met my hubby and went from bad to worse to flat out impossible.

Not to make light of this difficult situation, but your one consolation is that they are not living close to you.  Mine are in the same town and have even stalked my honey and I in the past.  (Long story involving a camping trip, a tent and an unplanned visit on their part!  UGGGGHHH!)  Anyway, I have often wondered if we should just leave town, but then we would be leaving behind all our other family and friends.

But as to these constant threats about cutting off the tuition money, what if they do?  Again, I am not being flip.  Consider what this would mean.  Is there some way you could pull this off without their financial assistance?  Yes, it would mean sacrifices, but what young family isn't struggling to make ends meet in one way or another?  Of course having your little one would make you more cautious in this regard, but you also have to think about your own self-esteem and what your values are.  To me, my own self worth is more valuable than money and I would turn down a whole bunch of it if having the dollars compromised that.  Money can't buy happiness, love or companionship. 

Also, though, and I know this may earn me a lot of angry replies but I still say this, it is a parent's financial obligation to educate their child.  Period.  And I only say this in the case where the parents are able to do so, not if it would mean financial hardship of course, but you say the inlaws are well-heeled money wise.  In this day and age an education isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.  How dare his parents hold this over his head in this manner?  To me that isn't love.  That's trying to hold your grown children emotional hostages while you run their lives, which is totally inappropriate.  Not to mention that they are putting a huge wedge between the two of you.  It's that old "divide and conquer" strategy, I believe.

Let me qualify this though- if your partner was skipping off all his classes, earning D's or majoring in the party lifestyle and just plain bombing out, I would say his folks are justified in threatening to cut him off.  But if he is being responsible and not taking their financial support for granted, then their attitude seems untoward.  Perhaps they are a really enmeshed family and your partner "escaped" to Down Under for just that reason???

About the inlaws lack of acceptance- it is not their place to accept you or not.  Their son CHOSE YOU for his partner.  They either accept that, or they do not have a place in your lives.  Your husband needs to have this understood and should no matter what the consequences.  I am not saying to be right at all costs, but I just feel that as Dr. Phil is always reminding us on his shows, it is a partner's responsibility to make sure that their family treats the partner with respect.  They may not be close friends, but they do have to be civil.  Your hubby can do this in small ways that do not necessarily rock the boat or he can just flat out confront them with it and hope for the best. 

Either way, this will continue to be an issue between the two of you and your child will be dragged into it as well- kids can always sense tension in the household, make no mistake.  I wish my husband had dealt with it at an earlier stage instead of taking the ignoring it approach.  This has now resulted in a total split with the family, with almost no one on his side remaining neutral.  Finally, after a few years, he and the kids are able to visit occasionally with his kin, but the relationship will never be what it was.

So Fiona, really search your heart and make sure you tell your honey all you are feeling.  Both of you have to make a decision about what is best to do and it shouldn't be based on his fear of his controlling parents.  You are grown-ups with your own family unit now and cannot successfully live your lives on someone else's terms.  Sooner or later, the piper must be paid.  It's up to you when.

Good luck.

SB

sorry everyone, this is a bit long..... 

i've been with my boyfriend for three years.  during that time, we've done nothing but help his family. for example, we helped his baby sister move---or more to the point, we moved her things for her.  we'd taken several loads of furniture and such to the new house when my boyfriend called to see where she & her husband were.....they were at a restaurant having dinner while we busted our butts for them.  we also paid for his middle sister to see a lawyer when her husband was cheating on her----only to watch her go back to him a few weeks later.  i've given his family haircuts & highlights for free, rebuilt his mother's computer several times, lent furniture to the baby sister (who later refused to give it back), etc, etc.  after all the things we have done for his family, you would think they'd be appreciative of us & include us in family gatherings.  WRONG! 

get this---my boss's little girl goes to the same school as my boyfriend's niece.  last fall there were 2 plays at the school that both girls were involved in.  did my boyfriend's sister call to tell us about the school program?  no way.  i heard about it from my boss. 

even better:  the week before christmas i had gone out to shop for my boyfriend's family.  while i was out i called him & asked him to call his mother to find out what his dad would like for christmas.  i finished up my shopping & headed home.  after i brought everything in, i was about to show my boyfriend what i'd gotten for his family.  turns out he'd just gotten off the phone with his grandmother, who told him that his mom, dad, and sisters had drawn names for christmas and left us out.  so there i was, just spent 3 hours and hundreds of dollars on christmas presents for my "in-laws" and they not only left us out of the christmas gift exchange but didn't even have the decency to tell us about it!  needless to say i was very upset.  i was crying so hard i couldn't catch my breath.  my boyfriend called his mom to ask why she hadn't told him about this.  she said she didn't know i was out buying presents for his family, that she thought i was just buying for my family.  HELLO!!  he had called his mom to ask what we should buy his dad for christmas, yet she didn't know i was out shopping for them???  yeah right.  that night we went over to his grandmother's house to talk about everything.  i swear she is the only one in that entire family who loves us.  she is a very wise woman & said that if they (his mom & family) don't want to include us then we should just forget about them.  we took her advice & returned all of his family's presents the next day.  well, lo and behold, on christmas eve my boyfriend's mom called 3 or 4 times, mainly to find out if we were coming over or not.  it was too little and too late.   i remember my boyfriend asking me why his mom would wait until christmas eve to call and try to make amends with us.  it didn't seem sincere at all.  anyway, we'd already made plans to spend christmas with my sister (someone who actually wanted us around) and were heading out of town.  i guess that ticked off my boyfriend's mom because she hasn't called him much since that whole mess.  also, i sent his mom & his 2 sisters christmas cards, but they didn't send any to us.  i guess that it a really petty thing to complain about but you know, it hurt that they couldn't take 5 minutes & at least send us a christmas card. 

the christmas debacle would have to be the crappiest stunt his family has pulled, but it's not the only one.  there are too many to recount here. 

the point is, my boyfriend feels used and abandoned by his family.  it breaks my heart to know that his own flesh & blood would treat him like this.  my parents & sisters care more about him and show him more support than his own family does.  heck, my 6-year-old nephew calls my boyfriend more than his mother, step-father, or sisters do!  i have never, ever heard his step-father tell him that he loves him, and i think i've only heard his mom tell him that once.  his sisters only called him when they needed something, like help moving or to borrow money.  my boyfriend says that it doesn't bother him, that they've treated him like this for as long as he can remember & that he's used to it now.  i want to believe that, but i can't.  there are times when the anger & hurt in his eyes is unmistakeable.   

any ideas on what to do?  and would we be over-reacting if we kept contact w/ his family down to a bare minimum? 

sorry everyone, this is a bit long..... 

i've been with my boyfriend for three years.  during that time, we've done nothing but help his family. for example, we helped his baby sister move---or more to the point, we moved her things for her.  we'd taken several loads of furniture and such to the new house when my boyfriend called to see where she & her husband were.....they were at a restaurant having dinner while we busted our butts for them.  we also paid for his middle sister to see a lawyer when her husband was cheating on her----only to watch her go back to him a few weeks later.  i've given his family haircuts & highlights for free, rebuilt his mother's computer several times, lent furniture to the baby sister (who later refused to give it back), etc, etc.  after all the things we have done for his family, you would think they'd be appreciative of us & include us in family gatherings.  WRONG! 

get this---my boss's little girl goes to the same school as my boyfriend's niece.  last fall there were 2 plays at the school that both girls were involved in.  did my boyfriend's sister call to tell us about the school program?  no way.  i heard about it from my boss. 

even better:  the week before christmas i had gone out to shop for my boyfriend's family.  while i was out i called him & asked him to call his mother to find out what his dad would like for christmas.  i finished up my shopping & headed home.  after i brought everything in, i was about to show my boyfriend what i'd gotten for his family.  turns out he'd just gotten off the phone with his grandmother, who told him that his mom, dad, and sisters had drawn names for christmas and left us out.  so there i was, just spent 3 hours and hundreds of dollars on christmas presents for my "in-laws" and they not only left us out of the christmas gift exchange but didn't even have the decency to tell us about it!  needless to say i was very upset.  i was crying so hard i couldn't catch my breath.  my boyfriend called his mom to ask why she hadn't told him about this.  she said she didn't know i was out buying presents for his family, that she thought i was just buying for my family.  HELLO!!  he had called his mom to ask what we should buy his dad for christmas, yet she didn't know i was out shopping for them???  yeah right.  that night we went over to his grandmother's house to talk about everything.  i swear she is the only one in that entire family who loves us.  she is a very wise woman & said that if they (his mom & family) don't want to include us then we should just forget about them.  we took her advice & returned all of his family's presents the next day.  well, lo and behold, on christmas eve my boyfriend's mom called 3 or 4 times, mainly to find out if we were coming over or not.  it was too little and too late.   i remember my boyfriend asking me why his mom would wait until christmas eve to call and try to make amends with us.  it didn't seem sincere at all.  anyway, we'd already made plans to spend christmas with my sister (someone who actually wanted us around) and were heading out of town.  i guess that ticked off my boyfriend's mom because she hasn't called him much since that whole mess.  also, i sent his mom & his 2 sisters christmas cards, but they didn't send any to us.  i guess that it a really petty thing to complain about but you know, it hurt that they couldn't take 5 minutes & at least send us a christmas card. 

the christmas debacle would have to be the crappiest stunt his family has pulled, but it's not the only one.  there are too many to recount here. 

the point is, my boyfriend feels used and abandoned by his family.  it breaks my heart to know that his own flesh & blood would treat him like this.  my parents & sisters care more about him and show him more support than his own family does.  heck, my 6-year-old nephew calls my boyfriend more than his mother, step-father, or sisters do!  i have never, ever heard his step-father tell him that he loves him, and i think i've only heard his mom tell him that once.  his sisters only called him when they needed something, like help moving or to borrow money.  my boyfriend says that it doesn't bother him, that they've treated him like this for as long as he can remember & that he's used to it now.  i want to believe that, but i can't.  there are times when the anger & hurt in his eyes is unmistakeable.   

any ideas on what to do?  and would we be over-reacting if we kept contact w/ his family down to a bare minimum? 

Some are! Go figure. We've been married almost 24 years and it's been very difficult at times. They are nuts. We  or I made the mistake of not setting boundaries early on. Their expectations of us visiting on every Sun., that the world revolved around them etc...was constant. Your husband needs to step up...that's the only thing we used to argue about. He has to go to bat for you. My husband was used also...he's never seen it, and most likely never will. Set up your own home, with your rules and expectations and don't let them interfere. Your husband sounds like a nice man, it's a shame they use him. Maybe in time he'll figure it out. How do they use him? I think your family 'screws' you over the most because they know you the best and what you're hot buttons are. Time to disengage and don't give them the power. Try reading 'Toxic Parents' its good.