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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Number of Replies: 2467
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:41 am
Author : dataimport
Love them, tolerate them, or despise them? Dealing with the in-laws can be stressful to a marriage. Share your stories and coping strategies.

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August 18, 2005, 7:17 am CDT

Manipulative Mother in law

My mother-in-law was wonderful before my husband and I got married.  We were together 6 years before we go married.  We have been married for 7 years.  After my son was born, she changed.  She even went so far as to give my husband's ex-girlfriend our phone number to ask him out to lunch!!  She will put what she wants for her birthday or Christmas in layaway and tell him to get it out because "he never gets her what she wants".  And she thinks that since she "raised" him (don't get me started on what type of mother she was), he owes her nice things now.  Even if it means canceling our vacations to pay for it.  He cooks for me, my mother and her on Mother's Day and she always cancels and makes him take her out to eat.  We have 2 children and we do okay financially and all of this would not be so bad, if she didn't EXPECT it. 

  

He doesn't give in to her as much as he used to and she does not come to our house.  She lives 2 miles from our house and only sees her grandchildren on holidays and birthdays.  However, my husbands brother and his wife and 2 children share a driveway with us and she goes to their house all the time.  She never calls unless she wants something.   

  

Her birthday is 4 days before our anniversary.  We never get to do anything nice for our anniverday because we are always doing something for her.  My husband always apologizes to me and I feel bad for him because she makes him feel horrible if he doesn't bend over backward for her.   

  

We built a house 2 years ago and the last time she was there she fussed at my husband because our landscaping wasn't finished yet.  I told her that he was doing the best that he could and that I was the one who had to look at it and I wasn't complaining and I would appreciate it if she would complain about it in my house.  If she puts him down in her house, I don't feel like I should say anything to her.  Then it is between her and him.  However, she will not come in my house and put him down.  That is my turf and I won't have it.  He is a wonderful husband and father.  She never says anything about that. 

  

How can I make her stop doing this to him and see that she has a wonderful son (she criticizes everythign he does) that she is losing because of how she is treating him? 

 
August 18, 2005, 8:57 am CDT

any relation?

Quote From: tsalvis

My mother-in-law was wonderful before my husband and I got married.  We were together 6 years before we go married.  We have been married for 7 years.  After my son was born, she changed.  She even went so far as to give my husband's ex-girlfriend our phone number to ask him out to lunch!!  She will put what she wants for her birthday or Christmas in layaway and tell him to get it out because "he never gets her what she wants".  And she thinks that since she "raised" him (don't get me started on what type of mother she was), he owes her nice things now.  Even if it means canceling our vacations to pay for it.  He cooks for me, my mother and her on Mother's Day and she always cancels and makes him take her out to eat.  We have 2 children and we do okay financially and all of this would not be so bad, if she didn't EXPECT it. 

  

He doesn't give in to her as much as he used to and she does not come to our house.  She lives 2 miles from our house and only sees her grandchildren on holidays and birthdays.  However, my husbands brother and his wife and 2 children share a driveway with us and she goes to their house all the time.  She never calls unless she wants something.   

  

Her birthday is 4 days before our anniversary.  We never get to do anything nice for our anniverday because we are always doing something for her.  My husband always apologizes to me and I feel bad for him because she makes him feel horrible if he doesn't bend over backward for her.   

  

We built a house 2 years ago and the last time she was there she fussed at my husband because our landscaping wasn't finished yet.  I told her that he was doing the best that he could and that I was the one who had to look at it and I wasn't complaining and I would appreciate it if she would complain about it in my house.  If she puts him down in her house, I don't feel like I should say anything to her.  Then it is between her and him.  However, she will not come in my house and put him down.  That is my turf and I won't have it.  He is a wonderful husband and father.  She never says anything about that. 

  

How can I make her stop doing this to him and see that she has a wonderful son (she criticizes everythign he does) that she is losing because of how she is treating him? 

GEE! I wonder if your inlaws are related to mine? They sound just alike. Your husband needs to stand up for himself and tell his mom how she makes him feel. If he wants to cook for her on mothers day and she cancels just so he will have to take her out then she just missed out on her mothers day surprise. She should have to wait until next year then. You cant plan your life around your inlaws, you have to plan your life around the family you have. If she doesnt like what you guys buy her, then give her a dollar amount (that you can afford) and that is it and let her buy her own gift, that way you guys arent stuck footing the "high" bill she wanted. My inlaws dont see their grandkids either and we live behind them, but you know what? That is THEIR LOSS not OURS. You cant change her and her behavoir, but you can change how you react towards her. For instance, I dont like my mil, because of her selfish ways and how she does our kids and my husband so the best thing for us to do is to stay away from her until she wises up about all the hurt she has caused. My husband will not talk with his mother because of how she treats all of us and him. Maybe one day she will wake up and realize what she had. Sometimes it takes months of staying away from them before they wake up and realize you guys are human too, but in our case it is going on 2 years and going......and going........
 
August 18, 2005, 10:15 am CDT

TOO MANY IN-LAWS!!!

I have been with my husband since May, 2002; we married in May, 2003. My mother in law attended our wedding, as well as my brother in law & his wife & kids. Some of the things that have happend or been said were prior to us getting married; when my husband told his sister that we were getting married, all she could say was "I thought I'd see you single", no congratulations, no "I'm happy for you". My mother in law was in NY just before our wedding; she, my husband &I and his brother, wife & kids were at the cemitary that our fathers are buried at. My husband & I had gotten there before everyone else & we were "talking" to our fathers about our upcoming wedding; we just wanted to "let them know"; we mentioned this to his mother, and she replied "Well, I think they (both fathers) would say "are you sure?"", I, my husband, and his brother, were shocked that his mom would say this. Anywho, fast forward to now; we have since moved to Arizona; the sister lives here, and the mother has been living here since 2002. My husband wants us all to "just get along", and it's been a year and a half since we've moved down here, and his mom & sister STILL don't know me very well; we have been over to the sisters house several times. Her husband is an alcolholic, so everything that ever gets talked about has to do with him; he seems to have a certain amount of disdain for his wifes family (my husband, mother in law, brother in law, me) On 4th of July weekend, we went over (Yet again!!) and somehow the subject of their wedding came up (they've been married since 2000, 5 yrs now!); the husband made a comment "We had an $18 a plate reception; it's not like we had our wedding in a park with burgers", which is what my husband & I had done for our wedding; their reception was paid for, by the way, by HIS PARENTS & FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW!!! So, my husband & I got upset & left; as we were leaving, his sister asked what was wrong & he told them he didn't appreciate what her husband said; he's been making snide remarks for a while now, we've just been trying to ignore them; my mother in law & her both said that he didn't mean it, what he said. Well, we finally got talking again (on the phone); my sister in law says I should call her & come see her; last year & this year I have been home most every day in the summers because I work as a teacher assistant. Throughout this time, especially during my first year living here, I NEVER heard from either my MIL or SIL; they would talk to me through my husband. Last week, I did what my husband suggested: I called my SIL; she was getting ready to "go shopping" with her mom (my MIL); said she'd call me back; it's a week later, still NO CALL!!! My MIL called Sunday; said (to my husband) that her & my SIL would be calling me this week to go out to lunch; theres a hitch, though; its not to "get to know me", the whole thing is being planned because some friends of my BIL are in town & they want to take them out to lunch.  It seems as if the only person in my husbands family who actually accepts me is his brother; no one else has even welcomed me into the family; unless I count my deceased FIL's brother & sister, my husbands uncle & aunt, and their spouses. Whats REALLY weird about the whole thing is that MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER was best friends with MY HUSBANDS GRANDMOTHER, HIS FATHER'S MOM!!! How do I cope with the situation? It's as if I don't exist any other time to my MIL or SIL until they want my husband over to THEIR  houses; they don't come over to ours; many excuses given; ie: we live too far; we live on the 3rd floor, etc.  Can anyone give me some suggestions, coping strategies? I sure would appreciate any and all!  

 
August 18, 2005, 2:38 pm CDT

Problems with SIL and FIL

Here I go again.  I hope this posts this time.  

   

My husband and I have been married for 26 years and have one 26 year old son.  From the day we met I always had an excellent relationship with all of my in-laws and were very close to them.  We all always got together for all the brothers and sisters birthdays and all of our nieces and nephews birthdays, which amounted to about twice a month.  We went on vacations together, shopping sometimes, etc.  

   

A few years ago my husband was injured on the job and was prescribed oxycontin from "pain management" doctors.  After being on them for a year or so he got strung out on them and got very nasty.  It got to the point that I had to get an ex-parte to get him out of the house. Hence, he moved up with his parents who are only a few miles away.  After he tried to get off of oxycontin, he started smoking crack.  Even his parents had trouble with him living with them and acting out.  We were separated for a few months.  His brother convinced him to go into a month treatment program, in which I was paying the insurance for, but none of my in-laws would tell me where he was.  I needed money from him for the mortgage payment.  So, I cancelled his health insurance.  

   

He got out of treatment and moved back into the house and still more of the same; sneaking around smoking crack and once he even took my car on a weekday night and the cops found him OD'd on heroin with my car in the middle of the street.  (He go his Explorer repoed because the cops said it was used in illegal drug activities).    

   

It seemed to me like his family was turning on me in this crisis situation.  His mother even said to me that the house was more his than mine because he worked overtime.  Even though I have had a full-time job ever since we had been married.  

   

The he got a bogus ex-parte order against me, so cleaned the house out and moved.  A few months later he was calling me and telling me to come back.  So I did.  His father said if I moved back into that house he would disown my husband.  My son graduated from college during the midist of all of this and I sent out announcements.  My MIL had the balls to send it back to me!  

   

A lot of hateful things went on and I said some really nasty, common things to them.  

   

Unfortunately we ended up losing our house and we moved to OBX.  After we were there about six months my MIL came around and starting talking to me again.  She feels that we should forget everything that happened and move on.  Everyone else in the family except the older SIL and the FIL feel that way.  

   

Things have been going relatively fine since we moved back to MD, but there are family functions that I have attended in which my SIL and FIL do not speak to me.  Totally ignore me and it makes me uncomfortable.  My BIL's wife says I should just attend and let them act that way, but I can't enjoy myself when I feel like I have to be constantly aware of not being near my SIL and FIL.  A birthday party for my niece is this weekend and I don't want to go.  My husband will want me to go with him.  

   

What do I do?  Should my husband confront the SIL and FIL and tell them or what.  My FIL has already been confronted by my husband, and he says it will take time for him to get over the things I said to him, and in the meantime he ignores me.  

 
August 18, 2005, 2:59 pm CDT

Sensitivity

Quote From: kandyland2

I have been with my husband since May, 2002; we married in May, 2003. My mother in law attended our wedding, as well as my brother in law & his wife & kids. Some of the things that have happend or been said were prior to us getting married; when my husband told his sister that we were getting married, all she could say was "I thought I'd see you single", no congratulations, no "I'm happy for you". My mother in law was in NY just before our wedding; she, my husband &I and his brother, wife & kids were at the cemitary that our fathers are buried at. My husband & I had gotten there before everyone else & we were "talking" to our fathers about our upcoming wedding; we just wanted to "let them know"; we mentioned this to his mother, and she replied "Well, I think they (both fathers) would say "are you sure?"", I, my husband, and his brother, were shocked that his mom would say this. Anywho, fast forward to now; we have since moved to Arizona; the sister lives here, and the mother has been living here since 2002. My husband wants us all to "just get along", and it's been a year and a half since we've moved down here, and his mom & sister STILL don't know me very well; we have been over to the sisters house several times. Her husband is an alcolholic, so everything that ever gets talked about has to do with him; he seems to have a certain amount of disdain for his wifes family (my husband, mother in law, brother in law, me) On 4th of July weekend, we went over (Yet again!!) and somehow the subject of their wedding came up (they've been married since 2000, 5 yrs now!); the husband made a comment "We had an $18 a plate reception; it's not like we had our wedding in a park with burgers", which is what my husband & I had done for our wedding; their reception was paid for, by the way, by HIS PARENTS & FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW!!! So, my husband & I got upset & left; as we were leaving, his sister asked what was wrong & he told them he didn't appreciate what her husband said; he's been making snide remarks for a while now, we've just been trying to ignore them; my mother in law & her both said that he didn't mean it, what he said. Well, we finally got talking again (on the phone); my sister in law says I should call her & come see her; last year & this year I have been home most every day in the summers because I work as a teacher assistant. Throughout this time, especially during my first year living here, I NEVER heard from either my MIL or SIL; they would talk to me through my husband. Last week, I did what my husband suggested: I called my SIL; she was getting ready to "go shopping" with her mom (my MIL); said she'd call me back; it's a week later, still NO CALL!!! My MIL called Sunday; said (to my husband) that her & my SIL would be calling me this week to go out to lunch; theres a hitch, though; its not to "get to know me", the whole thing is being planned because some friends of my BIL are in town & they want to take them out to lunch.  It seems as if the only person in my husbands family who actually accepts me is his brother; no one else has even welcomed me into the family; unless I count my deceased FIL's brother & sister, my husbands uncle & aunt, and their spouses. Whats REALLY weird about the whole thing is that MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER was best friends with MY HUSBANDS GRANDMOTHER, HIS FATHER'S MOM!!! How do I cope with the situation? It's as if I don't exist any other time to my MIL or SIL until they want my husband over to THEIR  houses; they don't come over to ours; many excuses given; ie: we live too far; we live on the 3rd floor, etc.  Can anyone give me some suggestions, coping strategies? I sure would appreciate any and all!  

It seems you are being overly sensitive to the way they treat you and what they say.  So what if she thinks your fathers would say "are you sure?", or that she thought that she would see your husband always single.   

  

I would have had to makde a comment to the alcoholic BIL about the $18 a plate wedding dinner.  So what is he trying to prove by saying that?  Big deal, so he had an $18 a plate wedding dinner, what does that make him and his marriage?  Usually people who have to bring up something like that are jealous of you all for some reason.  Besides the point that it is tactless to mention the price of something. 

  

Are you MIL and SIL really that important to have a relationship with?  What kind of relationship would it be anyway, if you were to have one.   They sound like they aren't really worth the time to get to know.   

  

You have other people in the family who aren't so "weird".  Enjoy them. 

  

  

 
August 19, 2005, 9:43 am CDT

Emotionaly abusive mother in law

Quote From: tsalvis

My mother-in-law was wonderful before my husband and I got married.  We were together 6 years before we go married.  We have been married for 7 years.  After my son was born, she changed.  She even went so far as to give my husband's ex-girlfriend our phone number to ask him out to lunch!!  She will put what she wants for her birthday or Christmas in layaway and tell him to get it out because "he never gets her what she wants".  And she thinks that since she "raised" him (don't get me started on what type of mother she was), he owes her nice things now.  Even if it means canceling our vacations to pay for it.  He cooks for me, my mother and her on Mother's Day and she always cancels and makes him take her out to eat.  We have 2 children and we do okay financially and all of this would not be so bad, if she didn't EXPECT it. 

  

He doesn't give in to her as much as he used to and she does not come to our house.  She lives 2 miles from our house and only sees her grandchildren on holidays and birthdays.  However, my husbands brother and his wife and 2 children share a driveway with us and she goes to their house all the time.  She never calls unless she wants something.   

  

Her birthday is 4 days before our anniversary.  We never get to do anything nice for our anniverday because we are always doing something for her.  My husband always apologizes to me and I feel bad for him because she makes him feel horrible if he doesn't bend over backward for her.   

  

We built a house 2 years ago and the last time she was there she fussed at my husband because our landscaping wasn't finished yet.  I told her that he was doing the best that he could and that I was the one who had to look at it and I wasn't complaining and I would appreciate it if she would complain about it in my house.  If she puts him down in her house, I don't feel like I should say anything to her.  Then it is between her and him.  However, she will not come in my house and put him down.  That is my turf and I won't have it.  He is a wonderful husband and father.  She never says anything about that. 

  

How can I make her stop doing this to him and see that she has a wonderful son (she criticizes everythign he does) that she is losing because of how she is treating him? 

Have you ever asked your husband why he tolerates her treating him like this? I'm curious to know why a grown man will still tolerate his mother's verbal and emotional abuse...only he can do anything about this, and even then, it doesn't  mean she will stop. There isn't anything he can do to change her, he can only change his own reactions to her, such as telling her straight out that he is spending time with his wife on his anniversary, not his mother, and when she talks down to him or complains about him, he needs to speak up and say something, like, "mom, you know its very hurtful that nothing I do pleases you." There is a book that I read called "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward that was so helpful for me, because my MIL was the same as yours, the book is excellent and I highly recomend it to you! Its so hard to sit by and watch the man that you love and respect be treated like dirt by his mother, the person he wants to please and he wants to have be proud of him. Its very sad. She is being emotionaly abusive by witholding compliments, and I suspect that she knows exactly what she is doing, because this makes her feel good about herself to make someone else that she feels she has "power" over feel crappy. Thats why she does it, because he gives her that power. You've got to have a serious talk with your husband, I know you probably have in the past, but this one has to be different, let him know that you acknowledge how he wants to please her, but point out that is something that will never happen, and he has to accept that. Remind  him of what a good person he is and how he doesn't deserve this treatment. I had to remind my husband that he is a great husband, father, and well respected person in our community...it was like he didn't even know that before because his mother's opinion was the only thing flashing in his head like a billboard. I wish you luck!
 
August 19, 2005, 9:54 am CDT

In laws!

Quote From: shsea1

Here I go again.  I hope this posts this time.  

   

My husband and I have been married for 26 years and have one 26 year old son.  From the day we met I always had an excellent relationship with all of my in-laws and were very close to them.  We all always got together for all the brothers and sisters birthdays and all of our nieces and nephews birthdays, which amounted to about twice a month.  We went on vacations together, shopping sometimes, etc.  

   

A few years ago my husband was injured on the job and was prescribed oxycontin from "pain management" doctors.  After being on them for a year or so he got strung out on them and got very nasty.  It got to the point that I had to get an ex-parte to get him out of the house. Hence, he moved up with his parents who are only a few miles away.  After he tried to get off of oxycontin, he started smoking crack.  Even his parents had trouble with him living with them and acting out.  We were separated for a few months.  His brother convinced him to go into a month treatment program, in which I was paying the insurance for, but none of my in-laws would tell me where he was.  I needed money from him for the mortgage payment.  So, I cancelled his health insurance.  

   

He got out of treatment and moved back into the house and still more of the same; sneaking around smoking crack and once he even took my car on a weekday night and the cops found him OD'd on heroin with my car in the middle of the street.  (He go his Explorer repoed because the cops said it was used in illegal drug activities).    

   

It seemed to me like his family was turning on me in this crisis situation.  His mother even said to me that the house was more his than mine because he worked overtime.  Even though I have had a full-time job ever since we had been married.  

   

The he got a bogus ex-parte order against me, so cleaned the house out and moved.  A few months later he was calling me and telling me to come back.  So I did.  His father said if I moved back into that house he would disown my husband.  My son graduated from college during the midist of all of this and I sent out announcements.  My MIL had the balls to send it back to me!  

   

A lot of hateful things went on and I said some really nasty, common things to them.  

   

Unfortunately we ended up losing our house and we moved to OBX.  After we were there about six months my MIL came around and starting talking to me again.  She feels that we should forget everything that happened and move on.  Everyone else in the family except the older SIL and the FIL feel that way.  

   

Things have been going relatively fine since we moved back to MD, but there are family functions that I have attended in which my SIL and FIL do not speak to me.  Totally ignore me and it makes me uncomfortable.  My BIL's wife says I should just attend and let them act that way, but I can't enjoy myself when I feel like I have to be constantly aware of not being near my SIL and FIL.  A birthday party for my niece is this weekend and I don't want to go.  My husband will want me to go with him.  

   

What do I do?  Should my husband confront the SIL and FIL and tell them or what.  My FIL has already been confronted by my husband, and he says it will take time for him to get over the things I said to him, and in the meantime he ignores me.  

Go to the party and teach yourself how to relax in this situation, because its not going to clear up by you dissapearing. You've got to show a united front, you and your husband together, to these relatives-- they will either come around with time. I know it is difficult to be somewhere knowing that there are people there who dislike you, but if you do happen to be near them, just smile, say "hi", and keep walking. By not doing that, you are proving them right...and thats what they want more then anything, to be right. As Dr. Phil says, sometimes the need to be right clouds people's judgement, and it sounds like that is whats happening. You admit that nasty things were said, but you were very hurt and emotional, and you felt wronged. There isn't anything you can do to take back the past, all you can do is move forward, and not give these people the power to control the way you feel, even at a family function. I wish you the best!
 
August 19, 2005, 10:24 am CDT

In law trouble

Quote From: kandyland2

I have been with my husband since May, 2002; we married in May, 2003. My mother in law attended our wedding, as well as my brother in law & his wife & kids. Some of the things that have happend or been said were prior to us getting married; when my husband told his sister that we were getting married, all she could say was "I thought I'd see you single", no congratulations, no "I'm happy for you". My mother in law was in NY just before our wedding; she, my husband &I and his brother, wife & kids were at the cemitary that our fathers are buried at. My husband & I had gotten there before everyone else & we were "talking" to our fathers about our upcoming wedding; we just wanted to "let them know"; we mentioned this to his mother, and she replied "Well, I think they (both fathers) would say "are you sure?"", I, my husband, and his brother, were shocked that his mom would say this. Anywho, fast forward to now; we have since moved to Arizona; the sister lives here, and the mother has been living here since 2002. My husband wants us all to "just get along", and it's been a year and a half since we've moved down here, and his mom & sister STILL don't know me very well; we have been over to the sisters house several times. Her husband is an alcolholic, so everything that ever gets talked about has to do with him; he seems to have a certain amount of disdain for his wifes family (my husband, mother in law, brother in law, me) On 4th of July weekend, we went over (Yet again!!) and somehow the subject of their wedding came up (they've been married since 2000, 5 yrs now!); the husband made a comment "We had an $18 a plate reception; it's not like we had our wedding in a park with burgers", which is what my husband & I had done for our wedding; their reception was paid for, by the way, by HIS PARENTS & FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW!!! So, my husband & I got upset & left; as we were leaving, his sister asked what was wrong & he told them he didn't appreciate what her husband said; he's been making snide remarks for a while now, we've just been trying to ignore them; my mother in law & her both said that he didn't mean it, what he said. Well, we finally got talking again (on the phone); my sister in law says I should call her & come see her; last year & this year I have been home most every day in the summers because I work as a teacher assistant. Throughout this time, especially during my first year living here, I NEVER heard from either my MIL or SIL; they would talk to me through my husband. Last week, I did what my husband suggested: I called my SIL; she was getting ready to "go shopping" with her mom (my MIL); said she'd call me back; it's a week later, still NO CALL!!! My MIL called Sunday; said (to my husband) that her & my SIL would be calling me this week to go out to lunch; theres a hitch, though; its not to "get to know me", the whole thing is being planned because some friends of my BIL are in town & they want to take them out to lunch.  It seems as if the only person in my husbands family who actually accepts me is his brother; no one else has even welcomed me into the family; unless I count my deceased FIL's brother & sister, my husbands uncle & aunt, and their spouses. Whats REALLY weird about the whole thing is that MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER was best friends with MY HUSBANDS GRANDMOTHER, HIS FATHER'S MOM!!! How do I cope with the situation? It's as if I don't exist any other time to my MIL or SIL until they want my husband over to THEIR  houses; they don't come over to ours; many excuses given; ie: we live too far; we live on the 3rd floor, etc.  Can anyone give me some suggestions, coping strategies? I sure would appreciate any and all!  

It sounds like your alcoholic BIL has no class, and his wife and MIL are desperatly trying to cover up his alcohol problem by turning this around onto YOU. Its not true, you did nothing wrong, what he said was innapropriate. He is the one who should be appologizing. But most likely he will continue to hide behind his alcohol and be demeaning. What you and your husband should do is not go there and subject yourself to his verbal abuse. You don't deserve it, and it will frustrate him to not have people to verbaly abuse- he doesn't get his "payoff". 

  

As for not having a relationship, or the kind of relationship you dreamed of, with these in-laws-- you've got to let these things happen with time. Don't be bitter that they aren't reaching out to you more, some people just are not like that. Also, you can't take it personaly. It is better to have small amounts of contact and have it be genuine, then to have alot of it and have it be forced or fake. Relax and enjoy your marriage, don't worry about what the in-laws are doing, or what they aren't doing. You mention there are some relatives that you get along well with, enjoy their company when you can, and let the other relationship develop slowly, over time. There is no rush to "bond" with these people. 

 
August 19, 2005, 12:12 pm CDT

For Your Nieces Sake

Quote From: jenoc99

Go to the party and teach yourself how to relax in this situation, because its not going to clear up by you dissapearing. You've got to show a united front, you and your husband together, to these relatives-- they will either come around with time. I know it is difficult to be somewhere knowing that there are people there who dislike you, but if you do happen to be near them, just smile, say "hi", and keep walking. By not doing that, you are proving them right...and thats what they want more then anything, to be right. As Dr. Phil says, sometimes the need to be right clouds people's judgement, and it sounds like that is whats happening. You admit that nasty things were said, but you were very hurt and emotional, and you felt wronged. There isn't anything you can do to take back the past, all you can do is move forward, and not give these people the power to control the way you feel, even at a family function. I wish you the best!
I believe that you can get to this party for your niece & feel just fine since this is for HER, not your FIL or SIL.  They will be there, yes, but the whole idea of this party is to celebrate your niece's birth-day.  I agree with you that it's up to your husband to deal with his family when it comes to how they treat you; however, if they are still at the point that they do not want to listen or acknowledge that the past is the past, and to move forward, then I would suggest that you and your husband discuss a time limit on how long to be at this party. As long as your niece knows that you two were there FOR HER, that is the only thing that will count. By the way, thanks for your input regarding my situation.
 
August 20, 2005, 5:53 am CDT

Good Idea

Quote From: kandyland2

I believe that you can get to this party for your niece & feel just fine since this is for HER, not your FIL or SIL.  They will be there, yes, but the whole idea of this party is to celebrate your niece's birth-day.  I agree with you that it's up to your husband to deal with his family when it comes to how they treat you; however, if they are still at the point that they do not want to listen or acknowledge that the past is the past, and to move forward, then I would suggest that you and your husband discuss a time limit on how long to be at this party. As long as your niece knows that you two were there FOR HER, that is the only thing that will count. By the way, thanks for your input regarding my situation.
That's a great idea to plan on how long to be at the party.  Shoot, I was hoping someone would say, yeah, just stay away.  Actually what I really was hoping for was that if I stayed away that someone else in the family would say something to them about how they were acting and that their actions were affecting the family (by keeping me away and making my husband unhappy.)
 
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