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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Number of Replies: 2654
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:41 am
Author : dataimport
Love them, tolerate them, or despise them? Dealing with the in-laws can be stressful to a marriage. Share your stories and coping strategies.

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chillin'
March 15, 2006, 8:05 am PST

Alright!

Quote From: harobe

You are correct... he is a BIG boy.  So isn't it ironic that women tell other women what their husbands need to tell their mothers and grandmothers?   :)    

 I got a chuckle out of that one. Some men DO seem to be perpetual children when it comes to their mothers and grandmothers. Reminds me of "Everybody Loves Raymond."
 
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March 16, 2006, 8:51 am PST

Grandmother-in-law's health issues

Quote From: miasays

 OK, long story, so I'm going to get right to it. My husband and I live with his 78 year old grandmother who is an invalid. He has lived here  since he began college, as her home is closer to the university. He heatlh declined rapidly while he was in school. So, in August his father (her only child) put her into a nursing home, then decided that wasn't working, so they put her into a rehab hospital. I moved in in October, to be closer to work and my husband while finanlizing wedding planning (we got married in december). She moved back home in November, after his father claimed that she was totally fine and able to do all for herself. We intended on moving out right after the wedding(we have the money), but we have both been insanely busy with work, and he is taking his last class before graduation. Plus there doesn't seem to be any  2 bedroom apartments available in this god forsaken town until April.  So that's when we're moving. Anyway, his grandmother is a very demanding person who thinks everyone owes her for anything she has done for them. My husband goes to the store for her at least 4 times a week, and we both clean the house and take care of everything here.  His parents are very involved with the church, and that takes precedent over everything, including the grandmother. My FIL told my husband many months ago that he would pay for his cap and gown. So he calls him to tell his dad that it has be paid for by wednesday and his father NOW says "Oh, guess you haven't saved any money for that". I nearly lost it. It's 25 dollars! Then my husband tells him that his grandmother needs a lot of things from the store and he couldn't continue to go 4 or 5 times a week, that she needed to make a list (he told her that and she has not spoken to him since). His father basically scolded him for that and told him that his shoulder hurt and couldn't go get her food, because he HAD to go to a church function Saturday night and just didn't feel up to it. These people are nice on the outside, but very judgemental and uncaring about the grandmother. My MIL doesn't come over here, they never take the grandmother out of the house (not since January) and they treat her like a complete burden.  She is NOT well enough to live on her own. After we move out, my husband has no intentions of coming here everyday to do everything for her. He knows that his parents need to realize the work he has put in. They rarely say thank you. This is putting a huge strain on my husband who is trying to work and finish school. I do everything I possibly can to help him and his grandmother, but nothing ever seems to be enough. I really don't know what to do anymore. My FIL doesn't want to admit that his mothers health is declining. She hasn't been to the doctor since she came home. He claimed that he would have home health come in the house everyday, but instead it's just someone once a week to bathe her. She fell Saturday night while I was here alone with her, and when my husband told his dad, he didn't seem to be concerned with it. Suprise Suprise. I know this is all jumbled, but bless you if you read the whole thing. I need help!
Has his grandmother always been very hard to please like this? It sounds like you and your husband are being kind and compassionate towards her, and I know that this is taking alot of time, energy, and probably alot of the "newness" of your marriage is being sacrificed because of her needs and wants. I am assuming that your FIL knows of your plans to move in April? Considering that fact, does he have plans for his mother that you know of? When you move out, this is your husband's father's issue. Of course all of the help that you can offer will be great for your grandmother in law, but right now, your FIL is using you both as 'sitters' and it sounds, by the way you describe it, that your FIL isn't dealing with the real issues. This woman needs and deserves home health care every day! Not just a person who comes to bathe her once a week. Your husband should tell his father in a calm, even manner that when you both move out, you are willing to help out, but you can't do what you have been doing any longer, period. Also, if he (the FIL) can't or won't make arrangements for home health care, then perhaps he (your husband) can do it. I'm guessing that this woman will be back in a nursing home. Again, I know this is draining and you and your husband are doing all that you can, I know that having no support from other family members and not even recognition is frustrating, but you've both got to know in your hearts that you are doing your best, even if its never good enough, you really are. Be kind to yourselves, too- you deserve to start your lives with one another the day you move out!
 
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March 16, 2006, 9:00 am PST

Sil's secret

Quote From: fraggle

  

  I am tired of keeping her secret. She confided in me last year a secret and told me not to tell my husband. I knew then I should have told her then dont tell me if I cant tell him. But I didnt . She caught me totally off guard when she says" I have had 2 abortions in the last 6 months"  She didnt tell her husband (he thought they were trying but not trying, kinda like if it happens great...) Had her mom pay for them so he wouldnt know. I feel bad for him. My husband and his brother are very close and I have to see them and her(we no longer speak) every day. I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldnt tell, but I needed to tell someone. Thanks 

Why aren't you and your SIL speaking any longer? 

The first thing I thought of when I read your post was a young woman I used to know many, many years ago who would say things like your SIL has said to you, but she wasn't telling the truth, (I learned later!) she was saying those things for attention, and/or to 'stir' up some chaos that didn't need to be stirred up. Maybe this is what your SIL is doing?? For example, think about this: if you tell your husband, and your husband tells his brother, and his brother confronts his wife, and then she says YOU are a liar and that you are just starting trouble... guess what? that means she has now alienated these two brothers and it will appear that you are to blame. You don't want that to happen, because then she will "win." Is she the controlling, manipulative type of person? I would bet that she told you that 'secret' to start a bunch of crap- I haven't a doubt, because 'normal' people do not tell important people(people who could change their lives)  their deep dark secrets like that, they just don't!  

So my advice is to dismiss her 'confession' to you as a lie to get her husband and your husband to not be so close, because their closeness is probably bugging the heck out of her, she wants her husband all to herself, she doesn't want to share him with anyone, and it sounds like she will do this at any expense.  

 
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chillin'
March 16, 2006, 9:44 am PST

Good point,

Quote From: jenoc99

Why aren't you and your SIL speaking any longer? 

The first thing I thought of when I read your post was a young woman I used to know many, many years ago who would say things like your SIL has said to you, but she wasn't telling the truth, (I learned later!) she was saying those things for attention, and/or to 'stir' up some chaos that didn't need to be stirred up. Maybe this is what your SIL is doing?? For example, think about this: if you tell your husband, and your husband tells his brother, and his brother confronts his wife, and then she says YOU are a liar and that you are just starting trouble... guess what? that means she has now alienated these two brothers and it will appear that you are to blame. You don't want that to happen, because then she will "win." Is she the controlling, manipulative type of person? I would bet that she told you that 'secret' to start a bunch of crap- I haven't a doubt, because 'normal' people do not tell important people(people who could change their lives)  their deep dark secrets like that, they just don't!  

So my advice is to dismiss her 'confession' to you as a lie to get her husband and your husband to not be so close, because their closeness is probably bugging the heck out of her, she wants her husband all to herself, she doesn't want to share him with anyone, and it sounds like she will do this at any expense.  

I hadn't thought about that angle. It makes alot of sense, I once knew someone like that too.
 
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March 16, 2006, 2:09 pm PST

controlling father-in-law

My father-in-law is a control freak and knows everything.  I'm not sure how to deal with this issue. I feel that he is putting a terrible strain on my marriage. I have been married for almost 7 years, and every year it gets worse.  We live close to him, which doesn't help matters any. It was fine at the beginning of our marriage. He and his wife, who has since passed away, travelled and were gone most of the time. He is now remarried and is constantly interfering with our business.   He asks inappropriate questions about our finances and has told us numerous times that I should continue to work rather than quit to take care of the kids and the home. He says women that do not work spend their husband's money.  He interferes with situations involving the kids.  Basically, he has an opinion about every subject and is always right. I have also caught him in several lies, one which involved my husband and was very hurtful to him.  He refused to believe his dad would make up a story. No one in my family can stand to be around him, and his new wife is constantly embarassed because of his inappropriate comments and rudeness toward her family and friends. I need help coping with this stressful issue in my life. 

 
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March 17, 2006, 8:48 am PST

How does hubby feel about it?

Quote From: heej76

My father-in-law is a control freak and knows everything.  I'm not sure how to deal with this issue. I feel that he is putting a terrible strain on my marriage. I have been married for almost 7 years, and every year it gets worse.  We live close to him, which doesn't help matters any. It was fine at the beginning of our marriage. He and his wife, who has since passed away, travelled and were gone most of the time. He is now remarried and is constantly interfering with our business.   He asks inappropriate questions about our finances and has told us numerous times that I should continue to work rather than quit to take care of the kids and the home. He says women that do not work spend their husband's money.  He interferes with situations involving the kids.  Basically, he has an opinion about every subject and is always right. I have also caught him in several lies, one which involved my husband and was very hurtful to him.  He refused to believe his dad would make up a story. No one in my family can stand to be around him, and his new wife is constantly embarassed because of his inappropriate comments and rudeness toward her family and friends. I need help coping with this stressful issue in my life. 

 How does your husband feel about his father's comments and interfering? When FIL is being nosy, bossy, and manipulating, how does your husband react? I know we are all brought up to respect our elders, but what if they don't deserve respect?
 Whenever possible, ignore his inappropriate questions. If he continues, make a comment like "I'm not going to discuss this with you." If he gets upset, calmly state that you're sorry he's reacting this way, maybe you should leave now. Or if he's at your house, say that maybe it's time for him to leave.
People continue to get away with this kind of behavior because they are allowed to. You don't need to be confrontational with him, just take yourself out of his vicinity. He will either get it or he won't. But you need your husband on board with this as it would be difficult to leave if he didn't want to "make waves."
I know how difficult this can be, my FIL used to be this way, especially after he'd been drinking. My husband and the rest of the family were so used to placating him and catering to him, it was a shock to them when I reacted differently. They all began to adopt my attitude and after awhile the old man began to see the light. He stopped drinking and became more personable. Being accepted and acceptable around his family was more important than being the big cheese. He always retained a certain bossiness, but he learned to tone it down.
 
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March 19, 2006, 3:48 pm PST

Father-in-law

my father-in-law lives with us. he drives me nuts. i have to stay in another part of the house to get away from him. My husband watches tv with him. I can't be in the same room with him, for we get into an arguement. and now meal times are getting that way. i left the table tonight in tears.  i try not to let him steal my joy, but he sure has a way of doing it.  

I feel so much resentment towards him.  He's diabetic and very picky about his food. he wants loads of meat and starches. and criticizes the vegetables i fix. I try to tell him what the doctor says and he says "that's you talking". So I just have quit trying to take care of him. other than washing his clothes, and fixing meals. I just stay away from him.  

If I were like I was 10 or 15 years ago, I'd left them both. But, I love my husband, and love my home.  

Thanks for the message board, gives me a vent time.  

 
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March 20, 2006, 9:14 am PST

Hi daffy

Quote From: daffy50

my father-in-law lives with us. he drives me nuts. i have to stay in another part of the house to get away from him. My husband watches tv with him. I can't be in the same room with him, for we get into an arguement. and now meal times are getting that way. i left the table tonight in tears.  i try not to let him steal my joy, but he sure has a way of doing it.  

I feel so much resentment towards him.  He's diabetic and very picky about his food. he wants loads of meat and starches. and criticizes the vegetables i fix. I try to tell him what the doctor says and he says "that's you talking". So I just have quit trying to take care of him. other than washing his clothes, and fixing meals. I just stay away from him.  

If I were like I was 10 or 15 years ago, I'd left them both. But, I love my husband, and love my home.  

Thanks for the message board, gives me a vent time.  

This must be so frustrating!! I really don't have any advice for you....I just wanted to let you know that you have found a safe place to vent your frustrations and maybe you will recieve some good advice. Actually I do have some advice-- I read a book called "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward, and it changed my life forever. It was so helpfull and insightful, and I recommend it for you. Your situation is a tough one, because this annoying man is living with you- and there doesn't sound like there is any escape. But, reading this book could help give you some guidance as to how to change your behaviors, so that in turn, hopefully his behaviors will change, too. Its all about boundaries!  

 

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March 20, 2006, 6:30 pm PST

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: daffy50

my father-in-law lives with us. he drives me nuts. i have to stay in another part of the house to get away from him. My husband watches tv with him. I can't be in the same room with him, for we get into an arguement. and now meal times are getting that way. i left the table tonight in tears.  i try not to let him steal my joy, but he sure has a way of doing it.  

I feel so much resentment towards him.  He's diabetic and very picky about his food. he wants loads of meat and starches. and criticizes the vegetables i fix. I try to tell him what the doctor says and he says "that's you talking". So I just have quit trying to take care of him. other than washing his clothes, and fixing meals. I just stay away from him.  

If I were like I was 10 or 15 years ago, I'd left them both. But, I love my husband, and love my home.  

Thanks for the message board, gives me a vent time.  

I am in such a similar situation except its my mother in law.  She is over-critical and spiteful.  She is on a special diet of gluten-free, wheat - free, dairy-free, no red meat or pork, no potatoes, cabbage, onion, and heaps more.  She comes to stay with us and never offers money for food, we are a single income family ( i am a stay at home mum), with a mortgage and two children.  She has more money than anyone we know but wont buy her own stuff.  She complains if I don't have the right bread, milk, tea, etc for her.  She treats my husband like a baby and me like a maid.  She disciplines my children ( which I don't think is right, thats my job) and tells me I'm not a good mother.  I let the kids get away with two much and that I am lazy for not having a 9-5 job.  My husband wont defend me or our family and lets her walk all over him.  I too have thought about leaving but I love him and my home.  I am the same when she is here, I tried to avoid her.  I end up sneaking around my house just to avoid the criticism.  It ridiculous because its my house.  I know what you are going through.  Feel free to vent at any time.   

 
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March 20, 2006, 6:57 pm PST

He's a big boy.

Quote From: daffy50

my father-in-law lives with us. he drives me nuts. i have to stay in another part of the house to get away from him. My husband watches tv with him. I can't be in the same room with him, for we get into an arguement. and now meal times are getting that way. i left the table tonight in tears.  i try not to let him steal my joy, but he sure has a way of doing it.  

I feel so much resentment towards him.  He's diabetic and very picky about his food. he wants loads of meat and starches. and criticizes the vegetables i fix. I try to tell him what the doctor says and he says "that's you talking". So I just have quit trying to take care of him. other than washing his clothes, and fixing meals. I just stay away from him.  

If I were like I was 10 or 15 years ago, I'd left them both. But, I love my husband, and love my home.  

Thanks for the message board, gives me a vent time.  

 It sounds like your FIL is the type that's going to criticize you whatever you do, so just let him ruin his health. It's like being overweight yourself, but having to fix food for a whole family. You fix the food for everybody, but since you are overweight, you limit your portions and don't eat all of the foods on the table. If he hasn't come to terms with his eating, you can't do it for him. Let his doctor deal with his health problems and you don't worry about it anymore.
Also, I would let your husband know that you need some support on this because it's getting to you. Maybe a night eating out once in awhile without the FIL or something?















 
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