Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

My MIL is totally manipulative and tells everyone i don't want anything to do with her side of the family.  She has pulled so much crap with my kids, myself and my husband that i am at ropes end.  She is constantly pulling head games and pressures my children.  She does not follow through with my requests even when it has come to my childs safety...for example...i let my kids go on a boat trip with them (reluctantly but husband convinced me to) i repeated numerous times to her that my 8 yr old daughter is to always wear a life jacket in the water or she is not to go in..one hour after i left i find out she was in the lake which is deep and my daughter is NOT a good swimmer WITHOUT a life jacket.  This is the kind of stunts she pulls!  

MY H will never stand up to her....and now its to the point that he tells me that its obvious i don't want to have anything to do with his family (which is exactly what his mother says to everyone else) I told him the only one i have a problem with is his mother, which he still doesn't believe.  Im at my ropes end.    

Latest fiasco...Husbands sister is going to cuba to get married, MIL phoned 6 months ago when it was in planning, called my children when i was home, did not talk to me and said to them  "you should be coming and if you can't come at least your dad should be making the effort" This would cost us over $10,000 for all of us which we can not do.  Now the wedding is 1.5 weeks away, I get a call from MIL giving me the price of hotel room for Husband to stay there...she has guilted my H into going...we are now going into DEBT for him to go...which i think is not financially responsible.  I don't believe anybody should be going into debt and risking thier financial situation to go on a trip.  I told him you should not feel obligated to go...he says i am obligated, there are other people going that are not family...i told him that they can afford it we can't!   

I mean...who in thier right mind would EXPECT a person to dish out over $2500 our of thier own pocket to go to a wedding.  and make it an expectation!!!!!  Especailly a family of four who are already in debt, living paycheck to paycheck!  Im so upset right now...at christmas she was rubbing it into our kids faces that "oh im going on a trip, im so lucky" literrally bragging about it....then saying oh you guys should be coming.  Ive just had it!   

How irritating!  

this must be so frustrating for you, especially because your husband won't stand up to his mother. And now, because he is too much of a coward to say the truth- that your family can't afford this lavish trip, even for one of you to go- your family will be even more in debt and probably will have to go without things for a long time. This is ridiculous- he isn't obligated to go at all! Yes, it sure would be wonderful to go if it was reasonable and affordable. But it isn't.  

About your MIL not putting a life jacket on your 8 year old-- that is just plain stupid!! It sounds like she is willing to risk your child's life and take the chance that she won't drown to prove that she doesn't need a life jacket or something... who knows how that woman thinks. If I were you, and you probably already know this and do this- I would stay away from them all as much as possible. If his family wants to believe you want nothing to do with all of them because you don't want anything to do with the MIl, then you know what? Its their loss. Seriously, it is. They need someone to gossip about, and I bet even if you were 100% perfect you still wouldn't be "good" enough, just because thats how your MIL is.  

I'm just feeling a little down in the dumps. My BIL and his wife are getting a divorce. It's just really hard to swallow, They have two kids under 5 years old. I guess she has been having a affair. I feel awful for their family. I really liked his wife. I don't understand how she could have done something like this. I think she is going to get custody of the kids. I'm not sure is she can afford  to keep the house though.  I am so worried about my BIL. They were together for seven years. It just seems like another divide in my huisbands family. Last year, his dad divorced his step mom. I know he's really upset about it and so am i. I'm worried about our neice and nephew. We both came from broken homes so we know how hard it can be. What a crappy week it's been.  

 Hello I hope someone can give me advice. My husband didn't live with his mother his whole childhood. He only spent some time at her house. While there he, his brother, and one sister were abused by the step-father. It was horrible the things he done to them. MIL didn't do it, but she allowed the step-father to and didn't do anything to stop it. One example at 1 year old the little brother had a black eye. It just gets worse from there for all three of them. The brother now all grown up left and NEVER looked back, he has no relationship with any of them. The sister is still like begging her mother for love and attention, and MIL just talks about the other sister and how perfect she is. Its really sad, because the mil just ignores her. She has a baby girl with cp and mil ignores her too, and she really needs attention. We have 4 children and she ignores them too. But the other sister has 3 children and they too are perfect and that's all she talks about. She shows so much favoritism towards the other sister and her kids, its awful. My kids don't even like her, and that's her own fault. I don't think she even cares. 

She is very loud, controlling, and just plain rude!! We have been married 8 years and she would tell my husband that we are having all the holiday dinners at my house, and birthdays as well, and he would just say okay. So we would have them and they would not help cook anything or help clean up afterwords. They would not lift a finger and I was stuck cleaning, cooking and everything. I finally told my husband I was not doing it anymore!!! Now she makes him and I feel its our fault when we don't have holidays together.I just don't care, we fight about her all the time! In the beginning of our relationship, he didn't want anything to do with her, he said she will never babysit, or be left alone with our kids for any reason. Then after we were married about 5 years she and her husband were divorced, so then she decided she wants to be mother of the year, but just to my husband not his sister, or brother. My husband is okay with it, now he wants her to babysit our kids and do whatever she wants. My kids are scared of her, she's very loud and overbearing. She treats my husband like he is 5 years old now. If he's hot she will rub his forehead with a towel, and wipe his back with cold water. Oh it is terrible and makes me sick, I wouldn't even treat my 5 year old like that. 

Well it is to the point where we almost got a divorce a while back, because he won't stand up to her or defend me to her. She will run me in the ground and my kids and my husband won't say a word. He makes excuses for her, like maybe she's having a bad day. I have never said a rude word to her, I don't even know what I ever did to make her not like me. She told my husband she didn't like me but never gave him a reason why.  Well now my husband and I are trying to work things out, so after all she said about me I told my husband I will never talk to her again. She has not called or come over at all. But she does call my husband or go to see him at work at least once a week, but never asks about the kids. I feel kinda like my husband lives two lives one with her and one with us, am I wrong to feel this way? I know its just a matter of time before our fights will start again because right now its a subject that has been swept under a rug and never talked about, but it will come back out, what should I do???  There are so many more things that's happened in 8 years I just told you a little bit, I would appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks for listening 

thanks so much. you are so right about his coming to terms with his health. I surely cannot do it for him.  

My husband is very understanding and supportive.  If it weren't for that, I'd skip the country.  

It feels good to be able to come here and vent.   

Things just can't always be the way we want them, and I realize that.  Just sometimes, I need to fall on the floor and have a crying, kicking fit. But, I am too old for that.  

thanks again 

You are right, these issues with your MIl will resurface, its only a matter of time. If it is possible, and not while you are fighting,  you need to ask your husband some serious questions, such as, why doesn't he speak up for his wife and children? Is he wanting his mother's love so much, that he will just take whatever he can get (basicaly scraps!) and tolerate her rudeness?  

From my own experience with rude in-laws, I found that they were being bullies and they were pretty much just waiting for me to fight back. They pushed me around and were mean to me because they could! After I read "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward, I made and enforced boundaries with them and my husband backed me 100%. It has to be a mutual effort, otherwise, you are fighting a losing battle. Its such a shame that your husband would allow his mother to have the power to break up your family!! That is so sad!  

I strongly encourage you to seek marriage counceling together as well as apart. You are 8 years into this marriage, and to make it strong enough to last a lifetime, you need to learn how to effectively communicate your needs in constructive ways- both of you do. The best thing for your marriage would be for you to keep away from your MIL asmuch as possible, and don't leave the children with her- not ever~! She sounds like the type of person who would "poison" their minds, and she probably knows that she is scarey to them, and she probably likes that. She likes being intimidating- it makes her feel powerful and better than other people. Don't give her that power over you!! Your husband doesn't deserve to give his mom that power, either, he just doesn't realize it yet. I wish you well!! 

Thank you jenoc99 for your advice, it feels good to hear you understand how I feel. Its weird because its like you know her!! I know I need to talk to my husband about this, but I'm afraid because it seems every time I try to talk to him about it, it just turns into a big argument!! I'm going to try though because its something that we have to deal with before we can move on. 

We did try marriage counceling once before, but neither one of us were into in 100% we were to angry and didn't like her very well. She was kinda weird, I know we need to try someone else and we both have to be into it 100%.  

I want to never talk to my mil again I don't want her in my life. I didn't know if it was okay to feel that way, I feel bad about it, but since she hasn't been around I have felt so much better and we haven't fought in such a long time!! Its  hard for me to understand why he wants to put up with her crap, I hope someday he will see her for what she really is. Our children are his and my whole life, I think that once he sees that after a while and she still don't ask about them he's going to realize she really don't care she just wants to control him.  

Again thatnk you so much!!!!