Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: texina

sorry, here I go again with my post, I forgot some details, they are at the bottom of my post, thank you all for giving me some advice, all opinions, suggestions ideas''ll be welcome,

last talk I had with my husband was this morning.and yes, ity seems that this is not going to change...what a problem:(:(( he is 28, I'm 29)

 my husband family's is affecting our marriage and I dont' know what else to do? they seem to be over me and our life together,they always want to know everything, questions, they've got an intrusive acctitude,lot of things...I don't know where to start...??? I'm crying at this moment today we had a fight again and I'm thinking of getting divorced and leave my husband to live his life with his family instead of "us" as a "couple"...

everything started when I came to this country,I'm not complaining because I left my life, what I mean is that I felt this is real love and now it seems nothing and not enough to go ahead ,I was and I'm very in love with my husband, I decided to leave all my family, my carrer, my life in my country Chile just to marry him and to build our own family with my husband but NOT WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY!!!!!!!! I mean a family starts with 2 people? doesn't it?

it seems that unfortunately I can't deal with this situation anymore...a little bit about me I am an only child raised with love,support and advice from my parents...BUT I learned also to be independient and deal with life and people by myself when it's necesary,  I would say I'm not the prototype of a litte spoiled girl...who get's everything done by others...who everyone helps...who don't know how to take a decision by hersefl...because everyone makes it for her... I learned how to be very independient,and to make and have my limits to live my life and to respect other's people life also...etc, I say this because our problem is more than anything about this kind of situation in our lifes.

when we've got married we decided to live in my father's in law house, we were full of bills..starting with the lawyer to bring me to this country  legally, the plane tickets, some more of my husband's bills and well unfortunately he didnt' save a penny for our life together, he told me about this when I've got in this country.

Well, at first I didn't like to much the idea of living in my father's in law house but well my husband told me it was going to be for a while before we moved out and we could save some money..He told me and his father that he was very happy to have us in his house and he didnt' want to make us pay anything  to him ,so I said "ok"it's ok and after all I thought: well I am finally with my husband that is what really matters for now". Once we moved in everything seemed ok, his dad was nice and kind,  he invited us to go out to dinner with him, to watch movies with him, to spend time with him,etc...it was ok, but suddenly I realized that something was wrong..we were not having any time "just for us"...because actually he  was the one who always decided what to do, when to do it and where to do it...every single day was the same thing...and something else, he smoked, we didn't smoke with my husband..and it started to turn a disturbing situation after a while..specially when I've got pregnant...

We had a talk with him about that we wanted to go out just the two of us...to watch a movie, to eat dinner, I mean..."we wanted to spend some time together just my husabnd and I..."we were just married and it was evident a new married couple need these kind of things...His dad took this..apparently ok...and I said this because in front of me he said "ok no problem" but he told my husband in private that he( my husband) wanted to do what I was asking him to do...THAT i HAD HIM FROM HIS B.LLS... and my husband's answers were always "yes dad you are right, or "yes dad" but not a word to support me or make him respect me or even explain him what it really was, "we were just married and wanted our own space too".

We had to explain to his dad this kind of things lots of times...in different ways...in different situations...however "he always said ok" but then..." he said something different to my husband...": "you make what she wants...you don't take your decisions...you dont' have the pants...etc." These situations turned worse with time, one day I even remember we finally went out to watch a movie and to eat dinner just the two of us..and his dad called my husband on the celular to tell him: "where are you? what are you doing? dont' you know I need you here to help me with the groceries and bla bla" so what happenned??? we had to come back home because , my husband got worried.."oh! my dad is mad at me...my dad....my dad..." and what about us???well we finally got into an argument with my husband because I could not believe how controled he was by his father!!! when we finally got home,we said, well ...here we are... and his dad said .."never mind..."

After a while I've got pregnant, beautiful situation..but so sad at the same time...my husband didn't want this baby...Before I got pregnant he was talking to his father that:" he was not ready to be a newly father..." well I wanted it very much, but wherever I tried to go ahead and live in that toxic enviroment, I did'nt get a good night of sleep for almost the first two months of my pregnancy, because his father smoked...during the night time at 3;00 am, during the daytime from 3 00pm to  6 or 9 pm, so I tried to take care of me..staying in the room...and opening a window..big thing...it didnt' help nothing, the air conditioner and hitter passed all smoke to the bedroom, his father started complaining because I opened the window...besides  his father smoked without control all day when my husband was not at home, but he denied it in front of my husband,: "oh, I 've just smoked 2 ciggarretes today..."lies!, we explained him: " please dad,the smoke'll harm the baby, everyone knows that women who smoke or who are exposed to second hand smoke can get as result problems with their babies such as ectopic pregnancy, vaginal bleeding, preterm babies..even .a miscarriage..( the american college of obstetricians and gynecologists) .but he never understood this...even when my controls at the doctor showed up as a result that the baby was too small  and I was totally stressed, not eating well..(.eating what his father wanted...never aet milk, never aet fruits, never drunk juices, never anything with folic acid..except for those few times when we could go out just the two of us with my husband but arguing... because his father already had plans for us...,etc), as Ii said before not even after my controls at the doctor he changed his habit...the last time we talked to him, he said.."well, who pays the bills here??? I've got so mad and sad, he was the one who aloud us to stay in his house for free...and besides we were not asking him to stop smoking we were asking him smoke far away from me...outside in the backyard, or anywhere he wanted but not in the house, please ..but he never changed.

When this situation turned uncontrolable was one day when my husband and I were having an argument again about :" where to go and when... before his father decides for us ", and I started bleeding, so my husband took me to the hospital, I had to stay there but we didn't because the huge bill to pay for later...so after a few tests we came back home  but of course before while I was in the emergency room,my husband had to go out and leave me alone to call his father to explain him "where we were..." because of course he was already mad at him asking him where are you? what are you doing? I need you here, it's time to eat, blabla...

we came back home and there his father was...ready to tell him crap against me and the baby!!! this was unbelieveble...: your wife is not losing the baby...who says that? are you sure she is bleeding? did you see her bleeding? "and I heared this conversation between them so I went to tell him mind your own bussiness dad,and please  don't be mean at us in a moment like this...I'm really in pain..and what he said??? I'm not saying anything...and my husband didn't say a word to confront him or to support me...the opositive..I went back straight to bed and my husband left me alone to go oout and say to his father crying..."I'm sorry dad" "I love you dad"..and what about the baby and me?

 well there was not much time left for our baby...that night I had a miscarriage...I was in pain all night long, his father hear me..he didnt' ask or say anything..but not because he didnt' want to be intrusive...of course he still believed the bleeding was an invention of mine... and my husband was still more worried about saying "I'm sorry dad" and "I love you dad"  than the baby and me...

after this, we really decided to move out, we thought this was going to be the best for us..his mother was helping him to get a place in Texas, with a relative of her and him..I now understand that this seemed a good chance for us but it was not the best decision eihter...I love his mother but she's as intrusive as his father and his brother..wow! she decided to caome on vacations for 6 months to live here in front of us...right now it's not here because she'll get a surgery but after that she'll be back, no comments.

The night before we moved out, I decided to talk with his father:no hard feelings "DAD", thank you for having us in your house, I really want to start a new relationship with you as a father and a daughter..you'll be welcome in our house in Texas, what happened about the baby was something very sad but I don't bwant to blame anyone, etc"  I was being honest at him, etc, everything seemed ok between his father and me...but as always he was being the "wolf with lamb skin"..why? one or two days before he told my husband to make a new e-mail...and the same night after our conversation  on the chat ( we made it  like this because I guess we didn't want to show up emotions to eahc other or something like that...anyways I started the conversation, I 've got proof of this in my e-mail) he sent my husband a nasty e-mail talking against me and how muhc he wanted his son back...and even talking about our intimate life ,trying to tell him that love was more than what we have in our lifes...even he told him to think about me as not the only one in this world to have a family..." ( great advice from a old man with "pornography habits", he spent hours looking at those web sites and even my husband had one of those "videos" on his computer...no more comments about this).

 well, we found out about this e-mail  because even if his father told me not to tell me his new e-mail address we shared  it with my husband, the same way he knews mine.My husband didn't want to tell him anything! he said...I dont' want to hurt him...it is not right what he made but I dont' want to hurt him and what about me his wife??? are you afraid of him? what's wrong with you ,I told him and I added "you need to stop this situations"  please "I can not be the one who always support herself..aren't you my husband? make him respect me please"... I told my husband but he didn't do anything...so I had to took the phone to call him and ask him why he made that? why he wrote that e-mail? why he didn;t tell me those things on my face? was he trying to make us fight and end our life together trying to put crap in my husband's mind? but his father didnt' say a word and hang up the celular...

after this situation I tought that my husband finally understood how bad was his father's behavior..how much he hurted us, how much he really doesn't like me without a known reason and after all how bad is for my husband to still have this kind of relationship or believe in his father and his words if what he really wants is to see us divorced..and maybe he is going to get it....:(:(

One of my husban's sister told me one day, I'm sorry, but the truth is that my father really wants to see you guys divorced"..."he told that to my mother on the phone".she said..."besides he also said, he's not going to change the way he thinks and feel about you he just care about getting my brother back" ... I told this to my husband and he still thinks there is a hope for his father to change...he doesn't see his reals intentions???this drives me crazy ,desperate and sad!!!

my husband's parents are divorced but they still get a relationship..I'm starting to think that now both of them want the same thing for us... to see us divorced or make so bad our marriage relationship being intrusive with our lifes until the point one of us have decided send everything to hell...

My husband's brother is playing the messenger..he says everything his father wants to say to my husband..."hey bro!  dad,says hello, he says he loves you...he cares about you,,he stills love you...( of course he stills love him after he married me...the bitch) why you don't talk to him? I know you want to talk to him? bla bla, I mean my husband told his brother and mom and sisters clearly..for now and a long time for the future I dont' want to know nothing about my dad...respect my decision...he doesn't respect my wife, what he did was wrong and bla bla...

I say bla bla, because this is what I think sounds to my husband's family..., his mom told him to forgive him and I dont' know what else...I mean isn't my husband the one who is supposed to decide what to do? I dont' want to become his mother eighter, and this is not all, every time his brother call us is to ask my husband.."how are you doing and your wife, is everything ok between you two? are you happy with your wife? Please God! WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS ARE THOSE...DOESN'T HE HAS A LIFE? it's ok if you say how you are doing, but it's not ok ask and ask  with the intention of what??? to know what? why? does he expect to hear that we are getting divorced? Please, his brother just got married...and until I know he calls his mom to ask her what to do with his new life... and he has problems because his wife has a intrusive family also...and I bet he doesn't like it...so then why they act that way with us?

is this a problem with this family? the way they work seems like it is a problem...I dont' know what to do????????????????????

few days days ago, his brother called him ,it was good, no problem, but at the end of the conversation he asked him if I wanted anything with the church..and my husband as always started to give explanations..well, yes, she does,,bla, bla, so  I asked him what's wrong? they dont' know we can't go to the church because you work almost every sunday???? so my husband called him back to tell him ( because I told him please, stop these situations, it seems like we are or I'm  the center of all your family's conversations, what happens with their own lifes???) so , he told him we 've decided not to talk anything about our marriage...what we do? when? what are we going to do? only if we want to share something we'll talk but if we dont' share something it's because we dont'; want to expose our lifes etc, but you know what?? his brother was still asking him...BUT ARE YOU OK WITH YOUR WIFE? ARE YOU HAPPY? until I know he speaks the same language...well, my husband explained his brother that we were full of the crap that his father started when we were living at his house, that we didn't want questions about even why we didnt' go to the church anymore...or about our decisions for our future life together...but it seems nothing's change...they feel with the right to ask everything...to know everything just because they are who they are...I wonder why? even my parents being from a different country and culture as anyone could say...dont' make my life unsoportable asking me questions and being intrusive about my life with my husband..they respect my life, they know that they'll only give me an advice if I ask for it or if I talk about my problems with them..or sometimes they'll just listen to me and won't say anything because my phone call is not to ask for help and it's just to talk and be listened by someone in my own language... what the hell is wrong with this family??

my husband told me this is the way people is here in the U.S.A, I can't believe it...I think that this just shows a toxic family ,am I wrong? I havent' a problem if they ask me how I'm doing, what were you doing today, are you studying yet or not? I mean this kind of questions, but what about my husband and me together? other example now I'm getting my green card, and I was thinking to get a job, but I dont' want to explain why or why not I want to choose one kind of job instead of other...I dont' want suggestions about what to do? where to work? how many jobs to get? or tell them how much money I 'll make? this is what I 've already hear from some of them in this family, besides everything we do is going straight to my husband's father ,because my mother in law talks to him on the phone about us, because my husband's brother talk to him on the phone and they keep him updated about everything we do...I wonder what is going to happen if we want to move out again...we 'll have to ask for their permission? One more example of what is happening here

today before our last argument...my husband took the phone to call his mother...because yesterday "we asked  her "to tell my husband's brother "again"..to mind his own bussiness not playing the messenger again...and we had decided to tell his mom also our decision about our life, if we wanted to talk about anything we'll tell them and if we dont' say anything it's because we don't have anything to say and we are ok....but suddenly my husband forgot everything...he said: "oh! I can't remember..so he gave me the phone to tell her, and I think she understood everything wrong..or she is hard headed, sorry but I dont' know what to say or think!!!!!!!!!!!. "she said, so your husband is not aloud to have a relationship with anyone and cut off with everyone in his family",(and of course the one who doesn't aloud this is me...) I told her, my husband never told his brother to  end their relationship, he told him not to talk or not to ask questions about our marriage...," then"..I told her "and about the rest of the family you've not been told we dont' want you in our life , we want people in our life this way: "we just want to be free of giving explanations of everything we do ...or how we do it..." then she said, "what is wrong with you guys?" and  I said "nothing"! ," mom you know a marriage takes decisions between the husband and wife and the wife and husband...if not why my husband didn't get married with you then... or his sister... that way everything can be between the family " and then she said " absolutely nothing to me" ...then I told her..."we can not please to everyone but us.."  and the I told her "if not this marriage is not going to last" " and I added this new life that we have started with both of us"  and I told her also  "can you understand that only if we want to talk about something we'll but if not we won't...?" for example  I said: " we are not going to answer questions like "are you bappy in y our marriage?"  simply because if there is a problem the only ones who are going to resolve it are the husband and wife"...you can suggest  what to do of course,  but the point  is you can only if we ask you for help "... as for example we did yesterday when we told you to have a talk with my husband's brother" but see I told her... "that is different "we asked you for help" ...noone came here to tell us what to do or howto do it"... that is the difference between having a life and having a life because others make it for you without even asking you and just being controling...that is what we dont' want mom"...and then she told me...Listen up: "I'm your husband's mother and I've got all the right to ask him if he is happy or not or anything"...and then about to give up...I told her, "you know what mom, I wonder why my parents understand much better than you not to ask me anything if I don't ask for their help..." the her answer was: silence...(nothing) and then I found out that  she thinks is weird that if we are christian people we dont' go to the church...and I told her " if we dont' go to the church iis because your son has been working every sunday, you dont' know that? he get's home at 6:30 am and all he wants is to sleep and when he can go to the church... he's the one who wants to stay in bed until late...then she said...: silence (nothing),

after that conversation I feel that I'm going to give up...my husband didnt' say a word to support me or to say yes mom that's the way this is and this is what we have decided. he was totally absorved by his mom's conversation.She says she loves us and if that is truth...why she doesn't understand that a marriage's life starts with 2 people? can't she see that their behavior also is destroying and affecting our marriage?...while everyone is perfectly ok, who are the ones who fight and argue because they've been making complains about our life, can't they  all understand not to be intrusive and to ask and give advice only if we ask for it?

of course I want this situation stops, my husband...I 'm not sure:(, he says yes, I want tthis to stops...but then he says nothing to his family...THIS IS KILLING OUR RELATIONSHIP, at this point I'm feeling that  I can not trust him anymore... I'm sorry but it's hard now I don't trust him as before...he told me that he 's been telling his mom things about our life , so I just realized that, he's doing the same as he used to do when we were living with his father, talking about his life and me...behind me and not telling me the truth about the things and not trying to resolve our problems just the two of us..why???? I also wonder when this is happening???  I see that after all this situation and the last conversation with his mother on the phone...it seems like I'm being the "bad one" , it seems like my husband wants to stay ok with god and the devil ( this is just an expression we use in my country) at the end...the one who is fault because he doesn't go to the church...the one who doesn't aloud him to have a relationship with anyone... it's me..the bitch...!!! I bet that's what his parents and brother think about me now? do they? and my husband? I dont' know, I dont' know what he thinks...he is so smart ,he works and his great at doing many things... I remember one day his mother told me:  "my son is so low selfstime"...and I told her..not mom, he is not like that...,and then I told her " think about this..everything he is doing  with his life now, working 2 jobs, trying to buil his new family with me, everything he has made it by his own way...I mean noone has been there to tell him what to do or how to do it every single day of his life...he has plans for his life, he knows he can get what he wants and what he wants for his life...so I dont' see him with a low-selfestime...I think now if she is proyecting herself on him??? all her fears, insecurities and problems????after all with alll the respect she deserves she has been divorced 2 times until now and I don't think she has resolved her life completely. and it's not ready to give a good advice of how to live your life? is she?..so why she insist in giving advice without being asked for it or why she insists in being behind  her son all time???

I wonder why my husband changes so fast  in front and with his parents, with his family he is totally different, his mind, his life, everything seems absorved by them, it's just one phone call between him and someone from his family and then all the agreements or decisions between us disapear that fast...

help,please!!! I dont' know what else to do, I'm really thinking of getting divorced and giving up my life...I have tried to be clear about our life with his family..but I see no results and everything seems getting worse...I'm also bored of being the one who speaks and try to fix and explain things...

I'm willing to even go to dr 's phil show if it is necesary, I'M REALLY DESPERATE.

thank you.

Quote From: trinket

WOW... Okay first question.. Is your son a Mama's boy ?

 

Since his first marriage ended for the same reason... Im thinking yes.

 

 So long as he caters to her, there will never be peace.  The fact she calls for help on your date nite ? Thats' dirty pool.   Nothing his ex has not been through either.

 

So, change date night.  DON"T TELL HER.  Your fiance' will has to choose his own life over his mother.  Some guys just can't do it.   Personally, I would never marry a mama's boy, because mommy always wins, ever after the wedding.   Sure he says "That's fine by me" because he's in danger of losing you, but trust me... and you can ask his ex... after the wedding it all goes back to being all about his mom.

 

He has to stand up.  He has to set the boundaries.  So long as she can manipulate him.  he never will.  (Move out of the neighborhood.. and see if he follows you :)  That would set her off :)
 

 

Quote From: jaimie1974

Your husband is allowing his family to have way to much control over him- but of course, you already knew that! This is very sad to say, but you know that this situation is too stressful for you; you know, deep down, that your husband will never change; you know that this isnt the type of environment you want to raise a family in- the list of toxic things that you already know goes on and on. So why do you stay? Are you hoping that somehow, your husband will magically change? He wont. He hasnt yet, and he wont anytime soon. He has allowed his family to control his life for so long that he cant be without them, he is too emotionally insecure to detach from his family. What you have described is horrible, you dont deserve to live this way!! You deserve so much more. It sounds like you were a bit tricked to get you here. Do you feel resentful because of that? I know that I would.
It feels bad to be made out to be the bad person, but it isnt going to get any better. You will always be the bad person, because you are the outsider who is taking the golden son away from his family, that is how they see you, even though it isnt true- but your husband doesnt have the courage to tell them to butt out. So, they will continue to control and dominate your life until you gather your courage to get out from under them. I really do wish you the best, you can have it, you need to get out of this situation.
 

Quote From: cuttinup

My husband and I have been married for 16 years.  His Mom didn't want him to marry me from the start because I was 7 years older than him, had been married before (so had he) and we were living together for a year before getting married.  My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage and the first five years of our marriage were spent devoting time in court with his ex-wife over visitation issues (she refused to let him see his daughter because she was jealous of me).  His ex caused many, many problems for us in the beginning and caused us to be in bad shape financially because I never wanted him to give up fighting to be a part of his daughters life.  My husband's mother, for whatever reason blamed me for all the problems for the simple reason that my husband's ex accused me of many thngs that were far from true.  I love my husband's daughter and would have loved for her to be a part of our lives though her mom has influenced her differently.  I have gone to my inlaws house and my motherinlaw would literally act as if I did not exist.  She would not even talk to me.  All I ever wanted and still want is to get to know her and to have a good relationship with her.  I don't really know how to approach her due to all the problems and hard feelings over certain situations (she actually attacked me physically on one occasion and has never apologized to me).  To the world she appears to be a person who has it all together, she is involved in church, etc.  SHe has never apologized to me over the hitting incident...a few months afterwards she mailed my HUSBAND and I a card, not me directly.  I feel that sort of thing warrants a visit in person.  After 16 years together and many more to come, I would like to work at getting along with her.  How can I approach this?

Quote From: texina

excuse me anyone who wants to help me giving me advice, when I wrote in my last post ..."I'm confused, do I fight for my marriage...etc" I wanted to say :do I stay and keep my marriage...etc", sorry, it was a "language problem".well, I;m about to go to sleep and try to have a goodnight of sleep not thinking about anything and sleeping until my husband comes back home from work,just

really please,some more advice... and sorry about my posts I know they are very very long.but here even where I live I'm alone and I dont' know where to ask for some more "outside" advice besides that friend of mine, who is not really living close to me.

thanks everyone.

Quote From: jaimie1974

I think the advice that your friend gave you was good. If you REFUSE to allow his family to have any power over you, then they will get bored. When you go there to visit, just smile and be nice, dont allow any frustration to show with them- and when they ask those intrusive questions, say we havent decided yet It would be best if your husband also did this. He has to stop allowing them to control his life, too. But, if he cant, it doesnt mean you have to do what he does. Just refuse to hand over all of your information-- they dont deserve it. They have too much power over your emotions right now, its not fair.
It is possible that once you get your citizenship card, and you begin to work, things will get better between you and your husband because 1) money wont be so tight, and 2) you will begin to have a life outside of the home, and this is going to make you feel better about yourself.
Im just curious, I thought that before you could come here and be married, that your husband had to prove that he had the financial means to support you? I ask this because I know someone who married a woman from Chile and it they had to go through much legal red tape to get her here. He had to prove that he worked and had a certain amount of money to support a family.
Some more advice for you- try not to think of his family on a day to day basis. Try to keep yourself busy with an activity that you enjoy.
 

Quote From: beerguy

I'm a 27 year old male, I've been with my fiance who is 24 for almost 6 years, engaged for just over a year and a half. This can potentially be a loooooooooong post, but I'll do my best to keep it as short as possible *laughs*.

My mother in-law has been married twice and now has a boyfriend of several years ( who does not live with her ), both her previous husbands left her because of HER mother. My mother in-law lived on a quite road with very few houses around, and right next door to her mother ( my fiances grandmother ). The Grandmother had full access to my mother in-law's home via her own key. The grandmother basically ran the 2 husbands out of town, because there was no privacy what so ever. Since then, my mother in-law has moved and taken the grandmother in with her ( she is 91 years old now! ) 2 years ago, my fiance and myself decided we wanted to own a house. With her being a student and not working full time, she wasnt making enough money to be accepted by a mortgage company, and I was having a hard time getting approved on my own. So my mother in-law offered to help us out and sign along side my name for a mortgage. Anyway,  myself and my fiance have been living in this house for almost 2 years. Guess who likes to show up and let herself in? She has every right to a key, since her name is on the house aswell, I can live with that. But to me, it's only common sense and just plain old "respect"  of another persons privacy to call and let someone know your coming over to visit. I've come home from work and found decorative items moved around, dishes have been cleaned and put away ( sounds nice, but its not ) and who knows what else she does when we are not home. She also calls the house about 5-10 times a day, 3 of the calls are always at the same time of day, everyday. Sometimes she calls within minutes of each other, even if we've answered the phone previously. I'm very stressed out and angry. She has been very supportive finacially, but this is getting way out of control. Anytime we try to talk to her about this, she doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it, and either gets upset or stops doing it for a very short period of time.  My fiance tells her often to stop calling so much and showing up at the house but only about 15 minutes before I posted this, she showed up while we were in bed, and let herself in. I'm at the point where I'm going to explode at her and I won't be watching my p's and q's. After this morning I've even thought of sitting my gf down and telling her I'll be hittin' the road if this continues. However, I feel terrible because she HAS told her to stop doing all this. But I'm not sure if I want this "baggage" for the rest of my life. I know the mother in-law see's nothing wrong with this because thats how she was raised. But * I * was raised to respect others and their privacy.  I love my gf more than anything, but this is rediculous. I don't know what to do...