Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

To Kirstin 2001

 

I agree fully with the advice from jaimie 1974

You did the right thing. You should pat yourself on the back an move on Honey! He will never stand up for you and you deserve better!!!!

 

Holidays are special and you don't want to spend them alone! BUT it sounds as if this doubt is doubt enough to say to you: "This is not what I want. This is not the future I dreamed about myself! I want someone to love me! I am willing to wait it out till he comes around! I WANT BETTER IN MY LIFE!!!!!"

 

The fact is that no apology could really do for such insensitivity. I mean really! After all the effort that you have proved to give without thinking twice! And they are ready to attack you like that! They will not change. But you can before it is too late. Stick with your decision and look for a better person to love you! You will not regret this. 

 I am writing because I am at a loss with what to do. My Mother in law and I never got along. From the moment I met her I knew something was not right with her. She would come to our house when my husband was not home and tell me HORRIBLE Family stories and give me ultimatums as to what I can and can not do. Every time I would tell my husband what she did he would blow it off as her sickness and not say anything. When he would she would cry and say that it was my fault. My husband would never by it and just let it go.   When we submitted our engagement in the paper she caused a HUGE DRAMA and said that we shouldn't have put his Step mothers name in the paper and Seriously acted like someone died.She is still in love with my husbands Father and regrets ever letting him go. The problem was she cheated on him and he left her. He eventually married another woman and she is WONDERFUL. She knew how it was going in the paper but still caused that.  I was so IRATE with her.   Then My Mother fell extremely ill and was on life support. They were calling the priest to pray over her.His mother had the nerve to come to the hospital to support me. I am not even close to this woman and then had the nearve to make it about her and again give me ultimatums as to how I could run my wedding. I was so upset that before I could tell her to leave my father came into the room and told her to leave.   The problems only seemed to get worse when his family TOLD me that I HAD to have their children at my wedding when my husband and I decided not to. They caused SUCH A DRAMA during our wedding planning that I stopped talking to them all together.   At our wedding we went away to get married. They brought their children and told us someone was going to take care of them. When my Husband and I walked into our reception hall I couldn't believe my eyes. Adults were standing because the CHILDREN were taking up an entire table. I lost my cool and told one of my bridesmaids to ask them to leave. THE POOP HIT THE FAN THEN. His Aunt called me names, called my husband names, Gave us the finger and made a HUGE seen.   It only gets worse, My husbands Grandmother yelled at me and his Mother went off, in front of all my wedding guests she spoke like a truck driver and called us names that I can not even repeat. I tried to calm her down but it only made things worse. She shoved me out of the way and called YELLED at me telling me to shut up and it was her sons wedding. My family and friends were ready to deck her when my mother told her to sit down and be quiet. By the grace of GOD we were able to turn the night around and have a wonderful time.    Since the wedding his family has been trying to manipulate the situation and play the victim. Blaming this on me. His Mother is TRYING to put a wedge between my husband and I and He has told her under no circumstances will that EVER happen.   I come from a very large tight nit family who was willing to except his family into ours, after that whole fiasco my family doesn't want anything to do with that woman nor his crazy aunt. She has called him crying saying that my family thinks that they are white trash and that we are trying to take him from her. She thinks the whole world is out to get her. Not to mention that she has been married 4 times and is now dating probably the biggest looser of them all and cheats on him ALL the time with her ex who abused her.   She thinks marriage is only temporary. My husband and I and probably majority of married people think otherwise. So that is why she thinks she can convince my husband that their way of living is better than my family's way.  Caring about each other, watching each others back instead of stabbing each other in the back, Giving unconditional love and support in her eyes is wrong...... Or so she says   ANYHOW I need help, I can not get over what she has done to me, I am having a hard time forgiving her and I am a strong Christian so this is even harder for me. My husband wants to move on and I appreciate that but I just can not. Every time I forgive her she comes at me with more venom. She is like the fluffy cat at a friends house, you go to pet it and RARRARRRRR they scratch you. Help I am at a loss, I think I have talked about this until I am blue in the face and I still feel at a loss.   Will I ever get over this or am I always going to have anger towards her

I am 37, and have been married for 9 years and we have two children, 8 and 4. My husband ,45, is the youngest of 4 children. His other brother and two sisters have children that are grown and out of the house. My husband's father passed away years before we married, and his mother, who had divorced his father, has not remarried. She is very stubborn and opinionated. She told me that she does not like children and wished she could have left her own children on the freeway until they were 18. She has often complained that we're not close enough. That she wants me to be her daughter. Her stubbornness and overbearing ways have ostracized her own children and even they don't want to spend time with her. I guess she figures I'm her last hope. She's very competititve with my mother and envies her because my parents have been married for over 40 years. She asks me why I spend so much time with my mother and not with her, and why I won't bring the kids to visit her since she's "my mother too". I won't apologize if I'm closer with the woman that birthed me and raised me. And I think the owness should be on my husband to visit her, not me.

 

My problem with her started before we married, grew when she told me that she was not happy that we conceived so soon after getting married and that we should have waited. She was upset when she found out that we were having a girl, saying that she had too many granddaughters (she had 4 and one grandson at the time) and had hoped for a boy. She refused to believe it was a girl, and sighed with disgust when we told her the baby was born. When I was pregnant with my son, she was excited that we were having a boy so we could replace the son that she had lost. She even insisted that I name my son after her deceased child. When I told her we would consider his name as a middle name, she said it didn't matter what we named him because she was going to call him whatever she wanted. Needless to say, we didn't use the name at all. It all culminated one day when called her to tell her we were going to stop by her house on our way back from Las Vegas with the family. My husband, who was on the phone with her, was silent for a minute, then said, "Ok, well, I just need to drop something off to you. It will be quick." I didn't understand why she wasn't pleased with us coming by, but my husband insisted that it was out of our way to come back another day when we were going to pass her house on our way home. When we pulled up in her driveway, she came immediately out of the door. My husband said he'd be right back, and went with her into the house. Within seconds, she came out of the house. My son was sleeping, so I was ok to stay in the car, until my daughter said she had to go to the bathroom. I asked her if I could take her inside to use the bathroom and told me she did not want me to go into the house, so she would take her. When she brought my daughter back, she told me that the reason I could not go into her house was that she had an ex-girlfriend of my husband's visiting her ot her house. The girl still had feelings for my husband and would have gotten her feelings hurt if I would have gone inside. I was floored. This was coming from a woman who complained to my husband that I never call her, spend time with her or bring the kids to visit her. My husband had no explaination for her.That day, I lost respect for her, since she obviuosly had none for me.

 

My husband and I separated for 8 months, and reconciled in October, 2005. We're still working out kinks and the pressure of an ustable marraige has been tough on our children. When my husband and I finally bought our first house this past January, she was happy that we had gotten a single story house because stairs were hard for her. She called one day and said she wanted to come and stay for a couple of days. My husband picked her up that evening. The next morning, she told me how uncomfortable out guest room bed was and said that she was going to buy furniture for "her" room so the next time she came she'd be more comfortable. I told her thank you, but we would use the furniture from our bedroom in our guest room when we could afford to buy new furniture for us. She told me that if I put our furniture in "her" room, it would fill up the room and she wouldnt have room to get around. She then walked off in a huff.

 

Lately, she has made several comments that in the next five years, she won't be healthy enough to live on her own and that she would have to live with one of her children. She told my mother that her plan was to sell her house and build a small room in my backyard for her to live in!!! Thats a joke. I can't fit a house in my backyard. When she approached me, I asked her if she had talked to her daughters about moving in with them and she got very defensive. She says that she couldn't live with them because they had houses with stairs (both of them have guest bedrooms on the first floor, by the way).  Personally, I think it woud keep her from snooping if she couldn't get upstairs. I asked her about her oldest son, who is building a 3600 square foot house on two acres of land. She said that he lived too far away and that she would be alone... ALONE, living with her son and his wife in their huge house.

 

She had no plans for Thanksgiving (I assume her other children made plans without her), so my husband was going to pick her up to spend the night at our house. We have Thanksgiving every year a my parents house, so my mom had invited her to come. I planned to stay at my parents house to help them cook, because at 67 and 69, my parents have a hard time preparing for 25 people (I have a very big, very close family). My husband was running late picking her up, so we called to find out if she wanted him to pick her up Thanksgiving morning. She said, "Well, if he's going to be much later, then I'll just sleep in my own bed and he can get me in the morning.  Are you coming home tonight or staying with your parents?" I told her of my plan to stay with my folks and she says, "Well, maybe I will come tonight then." So my husband picked her up. When I called that next morning to make sure my husband would be on time for dinner, she asked me how I work the shower in my bathroom IN MY BEDROOM because she wanted to use my jacuzzi shower jets. We have two other bathrooms! WHY WAS SHE IN MY BEDROOM? I asked her to speak to my husband and she insisted I tell her how to work my shower first! I told her that the guest room shower has a seat and handicapped rails (she uses a cane sometimes) and that my shower was slippery. She demanded to use my shower, so I told her to put my husband on the phone. I asked my husband why she was in my room and he said she was looking at our bathroom and saw the jacuzzi jets in the shower and wanted to use them. He said he told her it was ok. I was PISSED. Of course, he punked out, and she enjoyed her shower. I'm sorry, but I have 2300 square feet of common living space in my house and I demand my privacy in MY 500 square foot BEDROOM AND BATHROOM, especially when I'm not there! My daughter said she was in my cabinets and my closet  "looking".  I'm sorry, but when my parents come over, my mother knocks before she enters my bedroom and has never used the shower because she doesn't want to mess up the glass doors... LET ALONE use the shower in my room when there are two other showers in the house. Now I have this visual of my mother-in-law naked in my shower.

 

This woman can not live with me. I have just come into my own... my own house, my own family. She will drive me crazy as she has done her own children. I have two small children and a marriage in the making. My mother in law will try to take over and my husband will not stop her. I know that she doesn't want to live with her other kids because they don't put up with her crap, so she's looking at me as her last hope. I have children to raise. Why can't I have the opportunity to do so as her other children have? I've always thought that mothers live with their daughters (if they have them), when they cant take care of themselves, as I have planned to take care of my mother one day, if necessary.  Maybe I've been too nice... not speaking up, that she thinks she'll have an easier time running me over than she will with her own kids.

 

Anyone that has gotten to the bottom of this, THANK YOU!!! And please offer any advice!

My husband and I had had serious struggles with his parents since the day we married in 1986.

His parents disagree with every aspect of our relationship :my being a stay at home mom, having 5 children, teaching our kids Christian morals and values, homeschooling, not being a partying couple.. you name it!

 

We were at our wits end when hubby picked up Dr Phil's book. He learned we should set clear boundaries. We were tired of them popping over anytime they felt like it and demanding we stop what we were doing to entertain them. So Dh set the boundaries that they were to call before coming over to see if we have plans, dont instigate the kids to disobey us and tell them that if we ask them to do simple chores that we are abusing them, and a few other simple ones... my father in law asked why they needed to call before they come over. My hubby said it was a sign of respect for us and our family. My father in laws reply? "I've never respected you or your family and I never will!" Come Dec. 24, '06 it will be a whole year since we last communicated with his parents. And it has been the most wonderful calm year we have ever experienced since we were married 20 years ago.

 

Dr Phil, setting boundaries sometimes means accepting that others will refuse to abide by our boundaries and we have to be willing to stick to our guns even if the outcome is a broken relationship. Thanks for your advice. It wasnt the outcome we had hoped... but without some degree of respect, no relationship can flourish. I hate that my hubby's parents dont respect my hubby (a law enforcement officer and a wonderful husband and attentive father) or our family. It really hurts but , honestly, our family has been much calmer since his parents have been out of our lives.

I’m not sure how to deal with the problems I’m having with my new SIL.  We had been best  friends for at least 14 years, and I had been dating her brother for six years.  Our friendship began to fall apart when I began planning my wedding to my husband/her brother.  I chose my SIL to be my maid of honor because she was my best friend and to me it was a symbol of our continued relationship (we had been through some troubles in the past, mainly about my relationship with her brother.)    

   

Anyway, my SIL does have some disabilities and other health concerns which would mean some adjustments to my wedding plans.  I was able to accommodate her on some things, from the dress to the seating arrangements at the church/reception to jewelry, shoes, etc.  There were a few minor adjustments I couldn’t make for her, the main one being the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner.  This caused the most problems.  She wanted it on a different night so she could have her strength for the wedding day itself, but because of all the unusual schedules we already had to work around, it was impossible to change the date for her.  My husband and I offered a compromise to have a special rehearsal but she wasn’t happy about this, and even though I told her how guilty I felt, she had to keep pushing and pushing and making me feel much worse.  (Even the minister told us we shouldn’t change a rehearsal date and inconvienence everyone else just for her).  I told her she caused most of the stress in my wedding and that I couldn’t look forward to my own wedding day because of her continual need to cause problems for me when she doesn’t get her way.  

   

Eventually she and her husband ended up dropping out of the wedding, which I thought would be a relief for all involved. but then she begged to return to the wedding party, and told me in writing that she would be OK with whatever choice I made.  Because of so many hurt feelings I refused to allow her to rejoin since too many bridges had already been burned.  Of course she was mad about my choice and continued to cause more problems by begging to be let back in the wedding, saying she was sorry and basically candy coating everything so that I would cave in.  (This has worked in the past with some of our different disagreements but I was not about to enable her to continue with this pattern).  

   

I would be a liar if I said there weren’t moments when I didn’t lash out at her during the last few months.  I would also be a liar if I said I didn’t feel badly for yelling at someone and losing my temper.  Anyone who has planned a wedding knows how stressful it can be even for the most organized bride or groom.  My SIL is the only person who continually refuses to accept any apology.    

   

I have found out that she is making almost daily posts on different message boards about my so called “mental health problems”, among other lies, including taking statements that my family members have made and using them for her own benefit.  She has also posted my first name in these forums, and a lot of people on her message boards know personal information about her, I’m sure they can figure out my last name as well, since I married her brother.  I feel these statements are cyberbullying, but I’m not sure.  And who knows what lies she has told her family members as well.    

   

My husband supports me 100% but he has a hard time expressing his feelings to others.  I did ask them that he email his sister to stop badgering me in the days leading up to the wedding, but he had a hard time doing so, because he knows how unfair she can be when she’s mad.  Is there anything else that I can do, so that I can deal with my husband’s family without being so stressed out?  She is someone who at this time I don’t wish to have as a friend ever again.  Your input would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks for allowing me to vent.  

Ever since my son got married I've begun to feel so left out of his life. We used to be pretty close calling each other every other day and doing stuff together. Now on the other hand he never really checks up on how Im doing, except when he needs a babysitter, which is way too much. My DIL has never really made me feel welcome either. I don't know why, but she always seems so cold and seems to be counting the minutes until I leave.

 

So what do I do? I've tried talking to people about it, but most of my friends don't have DILs ( I was a teen mother) and many think that since Im the MIL Im the problem. I want to have a close relationship with my son, but Im at a loss about what to do.

Arwen,

I haven't read on to see if anyone has replied to your post so forgive if I give the same advice as others... 1) it is YOUR sons party. Your MIL had her opportunity with children's birthday parties. Set the boundary you described. 2) If you dont set this boundary now.. you will be dealing with this controling attitude for atleast the next 17 years.

 

I understand your not wanting to serve alcohol at his party! Good for you! As for the menu... do it the way YOU want! If you dont want pork chops.. dont have them! Tell her to eat before she comes!

Best of luck to you!

I so agree with you!

I often joke (tongue in cheek) that I have such a hateful MIL that God has made sure I have to turn the tables and be a good mother in law..he gave me 4 sons and a daughter to make up for the witchy stuff my mother in law pulled.

 

If we aren't part of the solution..we are definately part of the problem!

How long has your son been married?

I know that you are taking this very personally, but it is possible that this isn’t about you at all. Your son is now married with a child, and he has a full life. He is a grown man who doesn’t need his mom now, which I know is a sad thought- but it is also wonderful; because it proves that you’ve done your job as a parent. He has the confidence and strength of character to make his own way in life.

Maybe your dil doesn’t know how to form a relationship with you- perhaps she has heard horror stories about other mil’s and she wants to keep the peace? (Just a guess.) My advice is to lead by example in this situation. If you were a young, newly married woman, how would you want your mil to interact with you? I’m sure that you are a wonderful mil, you just haven’t had the chance- there is no need to wait around for your dil to decide to make you feel welcome, you need to know that you are welcome- you are her husband’s mother, her child’s grandmother. I’m assuming that you dil is young, perhaps she doesn’t know how to welcome you, she has her guard up, and maybe she thinks of you as the ‘other woman’ in her husband’s life. Prove to her that you want to love all of them the same. I wish you the best!

You’ve tried and tried to make other people happy, but it simply will not work, because this other person- your future sister in law- would have to want to be happy…and she doesn’t! I urge you to be confident in your decision to focus on YOUR own happiness on this special day. Not just for this special day, but for the rest of your married life.

After your wedding is over, I urge you and your husband to seek marital counseling; not because there is anything wrong with your new marriage, but because of your husband’s fear of confrontation. He needs to have some professional guidance on this topic; he deserves to do that for himself. His sister sounds like a terribly manipulative person, and he has probably come to simply ’accept’ her that way- but it doesn’t have to be this way at all. He can, and should, learn how to speak up loud and clear, without fear of repercussions, to his sister. I wish you the very best!