Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

What are your other options? Do you allow your child to be sexually abused? You know that you can’t do that. Fast forward 15 years: your daughter will be asking you, ‘why didn’t you do something to protect me? Why didn’t you stay when they visited, why, why, why….’ that is what you need to avoid. Don’t think about anyone else’s feeling except your daughter’s, she can’t protect herself at this age, she needs you to do it for her.

You said that your fil groomed you, does your mil know about that? Does she believe you? Does your husband know about it? If your husband doesn’t believe you, that his father acted inappropriately with you, that is proof that this family is so used to hiding secrets and being in denial, that their reality has become nothing but denial. You don’t want your children raised like that. No matter what your husband says, you can’t allow your daughter to be alone with your fil, you just can’t. You don't have to constantly talk about why the children can't be alone with the fil, just make it a fact of life, thats all that you can do at this point. Stand your ground. If you don't protect your children you will have regrets for the rest of your life, its not worth it.

ok i will explain more sometime but right now i cant. my boyfriend mother doesnt like me. as far as i know i have never done anything to her. she liked me up until a month ago. she glares when i try and smile at her. i know that she blames alot of her sons actions on me yet i have nothing to do with them, he is grown. well i hope some one can help cuz i really dont know what to do and at this point i just want to knock the rudeness out of her....just kidding

  I AM 27 YEARS OLD AND MARRIED TO MY SECOND HUSBAND. ALL TOGETHER WE HAVE FIVE KIDS, BUT ONLY ONE WITH EACH OTHER. WELL I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY CHILDREN BEING MISTREATED BY MY IN-LAWS. tHEY HAVE MADE IT KNOWN THAT MY KIDS DON'T BELONG IN THEIR FAMILY EVEN THOUGH MY YOUNGEST IS FAMILY. I HAVE BEEN CURSED OUT THREATENED AND EVERYTHING BY THEM. YET STILL MY HUSBAND WANTS ME TO TRUST THEM WITH MY KIDS. I DON'T AND REALLY DON'T THINK I EVER WILL. tHEY HAVE BURNED THAT BRIDGE MORE THAN ONCE AND I DON'T WANT TO OPEN IT BACK UP FOR THEM TO DO IT AGAIN. MY HUSBANDS MOM IS TO ME VERY PSYCHOTIC, DUE TO HER BEING ON A 911 TAPE THREATENING ME WITH A BROKEN UMBERELLA BANGING IT INTO MY WINDOW OF MY VAN AFTER CHASING MY HUSBAND AND I DOWN AT A HIGH SPEED ALMOST HITTING US WITH CHILDREN IN THE VAN. STILL I OPENED BACK UP AND LET THEM SEE MY KIDS AND WATCH THEM WHEN I WAS NOT THERE.

  I FEEL IF I OPEN IT ONCE MORE IT MAY BE THE LAST AND MY KIDS END UP HARMED IN SOME WAY. THE LAST TIME I OPENED UP AND CARED ABOUT HIS FAMILY THEY SPIT IN MY FACE AND SAID HIS EX-WIFE WAS WAY BETTER AND ME AND MY KIDS WOULD NEVER BE FAMILY AND MY YOUNGEST WAS NOT MY HUSBANDS AND THEY WANTED A BLOOD TEST TO PROVE TO EVERYONE HE WASN'T. WHAT MADE THEM HATE ME SO MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE IS WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I FIRST GOT TOGETHER I DID NOT HAVE MY KIDS BECAUSE I HAD NO HOME AND NO WAY TO CARE FOR MY OLDEST TWO CHILDREN. SO I GAVE THEM TO A FRIEND TO CARE FOR UNTIL I GOT ON MY FEET. YET I AM A BAD MOTHER. THEN WHEN I DID GET MY KIDS IT DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING. HE BEGAN LIVING WITH ME AND HAD GOTTEN HIS KIDS FOR THE WEEKEND AND HIS MOTHER CAME BY AND CALLED MY KIDS CRACK BABIES. ALL BECAUSE MY SOON TO BE EX AT THAT TIME WAS IN JAIL BECAUSE I PUT HIM THERE DUE TO THE FACT HE WAS HOOKED ON CRACK AGAIN AND I WAS TIRED OF DEALING WITH IT SO I TURNED HIM OVER TO HIS P.O. AFTER KEEPING HIM OUT FOR MONTHS TO TRY AND HELP HIM SO WE COULD BE A FAMILY AND RAISE OUR KIDS. SO MY HUSBAND THAT I HAVE NOW HIS MOTHER FELT RIGHT IN CALLING THEM CRACK BABIES. YES IT MADE ME VERY ANGRY AND I TOLD HER I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TAKE IT IN THE STREET BECAUSE NOBODY TALKS CRAP ABOUT MY KIDS AND HOW I CARE FOR THEM. I DO MY BEST AS A MOTHER AND HAVE DONE A GOOD JOB I THINK.

  ANYWAY AFTER ALL THE HELL HIS FAMILY AND HIS EX HAS PUT ME THROUGH I DON'T THINK ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND CAN BLAME ME FOR NOT TRUSTING THOSE PEOPLE AROUND MY CHILDREN AND SOMETIMES EVEN HIS OTHER TWO. IF ANYONE CAN GIVE ME ADVICE ON THIS OR ANY OTHER MATTER AROUND THIS SUBJECT PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME ON HERE OR ON YAHOO WITH THE NAME SAGAWACHICK THANK YOU

Hi I understand what you are saying.  My husband does infact know what my FIL did and so does my MIL.  I dont let her go there without me or us as a family ingenreal.  I Know I must protect my daughter.  That is real and it is something I must do. 

I dont let her spend the night anymore.  So she is only there for like 5 h tops when we go to supper or what ever. 

But still they want her to stay over night I am standing my ground and saying no because she is having problems sleeping and I want her to get sleep in her own bed.  So for now that is enough. 

You are doing the right thing by not allowing the children to be around his family unsupervised. You are their mother, it is your duty to protect them- continue to listen to your instincts, they will never fail you!

God forbid any of your in-laws ever fall on difficult times and have to make a tough decision like the one that you had to make regarding your children. I urge you to have confidence and faith in yourself, because you are a good mother; you did the right thing for your children by deciding they needed to live somewhere else while you got back on your feet. Your in-laws are judging you because it makes them feel much better about themselves. They are the type of people who enjoy putting others down, because making others feel inferior is what makes them feel superior.

Your husband probably feels that you should give his family another chance because the way his family acts has become “normal” to him. He has been around it his whole life, this dysfunction is normalized in his eyes; yet at the same time, he probably is hoping that somehow, “magically,” his mother is going to become a changed person. Which is totally unreasonable to you- you are aware that this woman is NOT going to change, you’ve given her chance after chance and she has proven to you that it is a fact- she isn’t changing. She is comfortable in her dysfunction, it is cozy for her. Her dysfunction is all that she has ever known, and for your mil to not have dysfunction and chaos surrounding her would be very uncomfortable, that is why she will never change. You and your husband need to make the decision together that you won’t allow her to bring chaos and conflict into your lives; you need to make that decision to refuse to engage in her irrational behavior. If she calls and is being verbally harassing/abusive, don’t engage in a yelling match like she wants you to- instead, calmly say, “we will talk about this when you aren’t so upset, I have to hang up now.” Then hang up. Always keep yourself calm and rational, because that will be not giving her what she wants- she wants so badly to cause anger and conflict- don’t give it to her. To better understand this concept, I urge you to read the book, “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward. I read it and it helped me to change my life- you can to!

i have been with ryan for 2 years. his mother has some issues and i have learned to deal with them. but the one thing that i cant stand about her is that she blames me for her sons actions. ryan has recently gotten into alot of trouble with the law. when he was doing his illegal acts i dealt with alot. i never told him to do them or not to. and i never gave him the idea, him and his friend came up with all the plans. i would even ask him to stop and he said he would until he got around his friend and then it would change to "just one more time". ryans mom use to adore me, last christmas she went out of her way to help ryan give me the best christmas ever. but now that he is in trouble she cant even stand to look at me. i have tried to smile at her when she comes to my work. and she just glares. in a way it seems that she is blaming me for her sons actions. in febuary ryan is planning to ask my mother if he can marry me. i am very worried that his mother wont approve, and for some reason that bothers me very much. ryan and i both dropped out of high school, he is working at a resturant as a cook now. he makes quite a bit but i have decided to go get my diploma and nurses liscence so that we can have a comfortable life together. i just wish that she could see how much effort i have put into our realationship. if you have any clue as how to deal with his mothers rudeness i would greatly appreciate it.

Is Ryan and his mother close, do they have open communication?

I can understand why it bothers you that his mom doesn’t like you. It seems especially worse at this point, because she did like you before; and now she doesn’t- and you have no concrete reason as to why that is. It would be nice if she would realize both you and her son are only human, and we all make mistakes. It is possible that knowing her son made a wrong decision is so hurtful, she can’t accept it, and she feels a strong desire to place the blame on someone else. Since you are the girlfriend, the “other woman” in her son’s life besides her, she blames you. But if you think about it, his mother has known him for his whole life; his mother would have more of an influence over him than you would….again, that is probably another reason his mother blames you for his error in judgment; she can’t stand to think that anyone would blame it on imperfections in her parenting.

My advice to you is to have a great holiday in spite of how his mother feels. You and Ryan are young, and you are working hard at making improvements in your lives, you have plans a brighter future- and that is awesome! In my personal experience, I was always the type of girl who was a “people pleaser,” meaning I felt that everyone around me should be happy and they should like me. If people didn’t seem to like me, or they didn’t seem happy, I would take it very personally, and it would ruin my day/week/etc. I spent a lot of energy making other people happy, and it was exhausting. It was also unnecessary. You are only responsible for your happiness, you have no control over anyone else’s happiness. Ryan’s mother is making the choice to be rude to you. She is not allowing herself to accept happiness into her life; there isn’t anything you can do. You can make the choice to move forward and have a happy, healthy life with or without her approval. I wish you the very best!

Unfortunatly, it is very hard at times to have a constant relationship with your grandchildren. It seems like the first time any of your children/in-laws, are upset with you for any crazy reason, it's the grandbabies that get taken away from your lives.

I have to say this though, it doesn't matter if YOU feel it was nothing for the baby to touch your hair (and yes, I agree it was no big deal, in fact a baby has to learn what things feel like), but if this is something big to your daughter in law, then you must oblige with her rules.

On the other hand, your children and in laws need to understand that as a Grandparent, it is our duty to spoil our grandchildren (or I'd like to think so, lol!) Sometimes as a Grandparent, we just have to shut our mouths and let things be, as hard as it is. We may think it's crazy and have strong opinions about it ourselves but if we don't do it, the alternative is not being able to be around our grandchildren.

If I were you, I'd have a heart to heart with your son, just you, your husband and him. Ask him, did We do such a bad job raising you that you feel I'll pass this on to your child? This will open doors but yet it will get everything out in the open, he may be hiding something that he has shared with his wife but not you. And of course, this could influence her as well. Plus, if you DID do a good job raising him, in his opinion, then he should respect the fact that you won't do any worse with his children. The other thing you could do it get out in the open all of their special "rules" as to raising their child. If you don't agree, you could say something like, "I don't think thats the smartest thing to do and this is why.....but bottom line is, this is your child and we will honor your requests" then drop it.

my husband's parents keep using his social security number to apply for credit, he won't press charges against them, so they just keep doing it, any advice?  it affects us every day with everything that we do, I want them to stop and so does he, but we don't know what to do

Your husband won't press charges, but that doesn't mean he can't go to the police and ask them for advice on what he should do. They can only press charges if he wants to press them. (In a case of physical violence, the police would automatically press charges; but not theft) Since this is affecting you in your daily life, you need to know how to protect yourselves. Has he told his parents that he wants them to stop using his social security number? You are just as affected by this as your husband is; his parents have the power to put you guys out on the streets and bankrupt; you don't deserve to have your personal power taken away from you like this.