Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

I am having a lot of issues with my in laws and I have only been married for 2 years. I used to love my mother in law like she was my own mother and I can't seem to figure out what went wrong. I love my husband very much but he seems to put his mothers feelings before our childrens as well as mine. His mother favours his younger brother and is very open about it and this kills me inside. We have two children aged 6 and 1. We had our oldest when we were really young and both our parents helped out a lot. Ever since our youngest was born it seems like his mother doesn't care about our daughter at all. The day she was born we brought her home and they visited. She didn't even hold the baby she was busy helping his brother with something. The same thing happened the second visit as well. She askes for our son to sleep over and never askes for our daughter. They have a cottage and last summer they asked if our son could go with them knowing the kids were staying with my grandparents. I am expected to change my plans for her no matter what and the same thing just happened again last night. I planned for my kids to stay with my sister and she wants our son to go with them to the cottage. She didn't even ask for our daughter to go. What do I do? My answer is no and husband says yes. Why do I have to be expected to change my plans? am I wrong? Why does she hate us so much? My husband will not stand up to her and I feel like he doesn't respect my wishes or my feelings. Can anyone help me?

First, it could be possible that she doesn’t ask for your daughter to come with them to the cottage because she is still very small. At one year old, your daughter will be more work to care for, and perhaps she wants to enjoy quality time with your older son. This doesn’t have to be a negative thing.

Regarding ‘having’ to change your plans-- this is where you and your husband MUST get on the same page ASAP! Have a rational, calm conversation (not an argument, because nothing will get resolved that way!) with your husband about plans and how/why they get changed. Ask your husband to make an agreement with you, that if he is asked if your son can do this or that, your hubby will say “I’ll get right back to you..” or something like that, and then he checks with you first. This is out of common courtesy and respect for you, his wife.

You said that your MIL used to be very close. Can you pinpoint when things began to go downhill?

You should never feel that you “have” to change plans to suit your mother in law. Change plans if you want to, and if you think it would be better for your child, but never because you feel that you ‘have’ to. Your mother in law should not run your family. You and your husband need to get together, make some agreements and compromises, so that you can enjoy a long, happy and healthy marriage. One last suggestion: read the book, “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward. It changed my life; I had miserable in-laws- and they are still miserable but now I can live happily with them.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. My MIL has and still is the biggest pain in butt.  Let's see, for starters, she threatened to take my son away from us, when I was in the hospital after having him, she said I was a bad mother because I had pain medication during labor. My dad passed away two weeks after my son was born, she said "good, he wasnt a good person anyways". The list goes on and on, when my son was 10 months old, we got on a bus and I told my husband I was not coming back until he started to stand up for me to his mom, and from that day forward he did. Do you think that stopped her though, hell no. She is just like so many other women out there, they thrive on drama, she will say things to her son about me, just to see what what he will say. My husband told her if she soesnt learn to keep her mouth shut, she wont be able to see the kids either, we went 6 months about 7 years ago where my son did not see his grandma. Then she goes crying to her doughters "why is Clay so mean to me, Jenny made him that way". But my husband just doesnt care, he doesnt let her bother him, and i have learned the same, I dont care is this person is now related to you by marriage, no one, absolutly no one should ever make you upset, critisize you or cause any friction in your marriage, children or realtionship. And after 13 years, she has started to get better, she still says things that probably just come out wrong, but you know she still meant is because she did say it. I have learned to just let it go. So here is my advice to anyone struggling with thier MIL

1. Make your spouse stand up to her. Dr Phil has said it plenty of times. If he doesnt, it is time to hit the road.

2. Put your foot down, someone said in an earlier post about a birthday party, you just have to be firm "This is my son, my party and I will plan it how I like, if you dont like it, dont come

3. If you have kids, DO NOT let them hear or see any hostility that you have between you. If the MIL is saying things to your child about you, confront it head on and say "You can keep your mouth shut around the kids or you wont see them" (my son is 12 and he has never said she said anything about me to him)

 

And a final note on my MIL relationship, my husband and I have been sperated for a year (a whole Dr Phil show wating to happen, he had an affair now has a baby daughter) but we have maintained a good parenting relationship for over a year now, we are slowly working things out, I am even starting to spend time with the baby. Well, when he decided to tell him mom what had happened,she said to him "Well, what did Jenny do to make you cheat on her?", my husband was in shock, told her to go *****herself.  And even after that, I still dont feel anything bad towards her, I have just realized that she is a very unhappy person and it is her loss.

 

My mil and sil are constantly fighting to "maintain control" over my husband, our marriage and our kids.  Both are always comparing themselves to me and they throw fits (tears, tantrums, etc) every time I do anything they think is "exceptional" - this can be something as routine as cooking a meal for my family.  They have caused a lot of strife for me in the 6 years that I've known them, including tarnishing my wedding day and the birth of both of my children, threatening to sue me for custody of my then 2 month old infant if I didn't give them free access, etc.  I am so tired of their controlling and manipulative ways and I don't really know if my marriage can stand for much more of their abuse.  Yesterday, my MIL threatened to "Smash my face in" and warned me not to F@#K with her.  They refuse to accept responsiblity for their actions or to acknowledge any faults, errors or issues.  After yesterday's episode, which stemmed from my asking mil not to interfere while I disciplined my 23 month old son, mil said "oh don't worry, that's just how I talk - I don't mean anything by it".  She was screaming at me and she was right up in my face.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I was intimidated by her.  To add insult to injury, my husband refuses to take a strong stand.  At least a 15 times during the course of our 3 year marriage, we've had sit down sessions with his family to establish rules, guidelines, anything to make life bearable.  Every time, mil calls me names and uses emotional blackmail against my husband.  I can't take it.  I haven't stopped crying since yesterday and I can't see any solution.  Does anyone have an idea that will help me, please? 

I dont even know where to begin so im going to just write and not even think about it. My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years now, and we just recently had a baby, named him Ethan Michael and he is the best thing that has ever happened to us. Well we happen to live next door to my fiances mother (which is in another apartment building) and ever since her randson has been born she just has been way too overwhelming and controlling. She is over here constantly, and yes i understand wanting to see your grandson but after spending 2-3 hours over here and then leaving and coming back an hour later is a little rediculous. I feel that it is hard for me to try and raise my child with his mother constantly over here grabbing him from me, and always nagging about what i should and shouldnt do and bla bla bla. She has come over here and grabbed diapers, clothing, and whatever else she felt like she needed at her place for when he comes over there, without even asking me first!!! There has been some outfits which i didnt like that looked girlish and i told her I didnt want him wearing that stuff and she would stand there and say he will wear whatever she wants him to wear when he is over there, and I told her if she didnt respect my wishes then he wouldnt be spending time over there and then she stood there and threatened me with court, well that day has come and passed but today my head almost exploded!! I was getting ready to take my baby out for a walk with my carrier that hooks around me and he had his skin covered and i even put a hat on him, and she comes over and tells me that I shouldnt be taking him in the carrier cause he could get sunburn and that i should take him in a stroller instead. Well I told her not to worry about it and that I am the mother not her and that if I wanted to take him in my carrier instead then i will and that she needs to mind her own business. She then threw a hissy fit and told me if her grandson got sunburn or stung that she was going to call child services on me. That made me so upset that i told her to get out of my place or id call the cops. I cant believe a grandmother could say such things it makes me so upset cause i love my baby more than anything in this world and idk what id do if anything ever happened to him.

I would appreciate it if anyone responded to me with any tips or advice cause idk what to do

To all of you who are posting about thier nightmare MIL, if your husband/spouse/bf who ever is not standing up to thier own mother. LEAVE!!!! Leave now, you may think he loves you, you may think he cares, he doesnt. Mine learned when I left him. If you are doing nothing wrong, child services is not going to take your child away, no matter what the minipulative bi**h says and wants you to believe.

Tell your sig other, "I'm done, I'm through, I dont have the energy, patience or want to fight her anymore" and wash your hands of her. If he cant see it, screw him, he is the one srewing up your relationship and your childs perception of what a normal healthy family is.

Dr Phil has said it over and over when a woment comes on and says "I cant leave him, he supports me, he gives me a place to live, blah, blah, blah" and as Dr Phil has said "I would rather take my kids and live under a bridge than subject them to this abuse (and yes your husbands not sticking up for you and allowing his mother to insult, threaten, intimidate you is ABUSE).

 

 

My husbands mother is the same way.But the only difference is nothing is her fault it's always someone else.All my husband wants is for everyone to get along.but it's hard to get along with someone thats always comparing you to an exgirlfreind or belittling you in front of your child.She is well to do but if we need a lillte help my husband has to beg and then she hold it over your head.Shes also told my four year old that her other grandparent dont love her.Shes told my daugther several times she was here her mother.I dont want this person around my child because she also has mental problems and she uses that as for the reason she does this but ifshe didnt drink with her meds  maybe she could get help when she watched my daughter i found out from her that nanny was going in the garage to get her juice which was her wine but she told my daugther it was juice. She always says she demands respect but that to me is earned.

I was enmeshed with daughter. I am still working on my own issues, but I was creating turbulence so I had to cut her off, for a while at least. 

My daughter is an only child and her dad worked very long hours and many years worked night shift. I raised my daughter and made the family decisions as husband was disengaged.  She went through her teen years angry and tried drugs, failed in school. Husband and I separated for 5 years then the two of us (mom and daughter) moved back home, she got back in school, earned a full academic scholarship for 4 years to a private college back east. I was starting to breath easier.  But, she still had problems. She flunked out of college moved back home with her girlfriend/lover. (by the way she is not gay - just doing the girls in college thing) I was getting very tired. Divorce loomed, nephew serving in Iraq (they had just moved on Baghdad. (101st Airborne Div.), work was not going well (new owners were trying to get rid of my boss), too much to handle all at once.

Eventually, she left her girl, met a guy, fell deeply in love, got pregnant, married. They are expecting in a month.  I gave her the wedding she insisted they wanted to get married in 2 weeks. I did the best I could on short notice and limited funds.  Things did not go well after the wedding.  Since I didn't ask correctly, my new son-in-law decided that it was not acceptable and refused to return the rented equipment.  They did not tell me and at the end of the due date they  informed me they didn't think they were going to get to it.  This was all rebellion / attitude problem because I expected him to help with this ONE thing for their wedding.  If I would have asked properly I would have discovered they he didn't want to do anything the day before or the day after the wedding. I got angry, hurt because this was the only thing I needed help from them with. The wedding was small but beautiful.  Later I was scolded because they said they did not ask for me to all that I did...they didn't even want a wedding.  Much to my confusion because they were included in the kind of food, the dress I took her to buy, the wedding list, even the color of the rented chairs...I felt very unappreciated and hurt.  My sister and I went and picked up the chairs in a van that had been parked for years in my back yard. The brakes were not good, but I had no other option at this last minute. My sister, her daughter, my niece and 8 year old nephew went to get the stuff and I delivered it myself. (by the way my son-in-law has a pick-up that is why I asked him to do it.)  Later I was asked to come over because my son-in-law wanted to speak to me about me not taking responsibility for the fact that when we all went over for the rentals I was upset, my sister was angry and he did not think that I should have let anyone know that I was angry at them. My sister was angry, so he wanted to have nothing to do with her anymore because he said she was rude in his house. The more that went on because of this incident, I began to see that he is very controlling, critical, and judgemental. I told him that I saw a lot of the same behaviors in him that I have seen in my husband. He was livid probably mostly because he already did not like her dad either. I began to realize that he had influenced my daughter to cut off at least 5 of her friends, her dad, now my sister and her daughter and now it was my turn. He was systematically cutting her off from those who have any influence in her life.  My concern is that he is a perfectionist and not a safe person to have relationship with. I don't want to alienate them, I want him to get some help. I see wonderful qualities in him and I want them to make it. What I don't want is for them to sepend 10 or 15 years in a bad relationship and create a harmful environment for the little one on the way. I told my daughter during the last "meeting" we had with her husband that I cannot be around this type of controlling person and that I know that he is her husband so that it would be better if I cut myself off from them. I was not invited to her babyshower.  I fear I may not be around when the baby is born either...

I'm not sure who is doing your taxes....but I can see that the tax accountant and probably your tax person is clueless! 

 

Unless its a formal partnership (an LLC or a Corporation), your hubby isn't being "claimed" on his taxes.  The way it sounds is that your in-law is paying hubby contract labor.  Contract labor is taken from the income of the company along with the other expenses of the business.  Your hubby's pay is just an expense on the in-law's tax return.  NO claiming involved.  The income and employement taxes are paid by the person receiving the pay in that case.  He is considered self employed and should file a Schedule C for his income.  EARNED Income tax credit can be claimed on this income unless your income is above the maximum.  For a married couple with 2 kids it ends totally at around $35,000. 

 

To stop the "control".....tell hubby to find another job or start asking for the tax portion of the pay and find a tax professional.  You should find one and have the past three years of returns checked.  After 3 years you can't collect any refund that may be due you because of an error.  A tax form called a 1040X can be filed. 

 

Hope this helps....

Gina

When your MIL has a "hissy fit," you've got to turn and walk away- even if it is in your own home. This is called "refusing to engage." If you refuse to engage in her irrational behavior, then she is left to argue/cry to herself. Your MIl thretening to call child services is so irrational and insensitive. First of all, a child getting a sunburn or bug bite is NOT child abuse. Second, she knows that you love that baby more than anything, and that is why she is using the baby to try to control you. You can't allow her to do this anymore. When she threatens to call child services, laugh and tell her to go ahead. You KNOW that you would never harm your precious baby, and you could welcome anyone into your home to prove it if you needed to.