Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

I get along well with my mother in law she is grate lady. she has save our butts a time or two with no holding over head. she has MS and is right now living in a Astited living home, and she her MS is gitting worse which we know it would. I say all this to say this we are thinking about maybe having her come live with our for a little bit, and have home health nurse come in 2 or 3 times a week, and the other stuff she need too. I we have a 15 month old son that just run the house witch is what 15 month old should do. My only worry is if my mother in law is transfering if she falls and my son is under foot witch is is often she could fall on him and they could both be hurt, and no body wants that. The reason we are thinking about this is my wife want to stay home and raise our childern, but right now money is tight and the person that take care of the money part of my mother in law would give us the money and my wife would not have to work aslo no daycare to pay for this would also call for me to help wife with her mother from time to time witch i will do. now this is what I need in put on from peolpe that have live this how much strane can it cuse our marrige and also what can be dont to insulate againt as much as we can.  Any help you can give me in this matter would grate help.

I know *exactly* how you feel. What you describe your future fil to be, is exactly the way my SO's stepfather is. A tyrant. And everyone just says "oh, that's just how ****** is" Well, bs to that!! THIS is how *I* happen to be, kwim? And I won't roll over just b/c someone else decides I should.

I truthfully don't KNOW how to deal with this. I keep my distance, is how I deal with it. Thankfully I have an SO (we've bought a house together as well) who stands by my side on the issue. He knows what his stepfather is like, and doesn't like it any better than I do. Though HE will show respect. I only afford someone the same amount of courtesy and respect that's shown to me. We've missed family holidays, etc...b/c of ME. And yet...the last family event we attended, the stepfather actually stood in the kitchen eating CHRISTMAS dinner b/c he refused to sit at the same table as my then 16yo son. He doesn't like him, you see...even though my son has NEVER done or said anything untoward any of them. I feel the stepfather acted like a brat. I would have attached an age to that, but it would have been insulting children of whatever age I had chosen...since I've seen 2yos act better than this.

All  you can do is stand your ground...and don't back down. You can't let someone else dictate how YOU are going to behave. I have to tell you...if my SO's stepfather had said those words to me, I'd have left. Immediately. Let them wonder why.

You've got to know that you aren't going to change him, and neither is anyone else. He just is who he is. You just have to be who you are, and not allow some overgrown brat disrespect you in such a way.

Good luck...

It is really wonderful that you get along well with your MIL! I think that it is great that you and your wife are considering having her mother come to live with your family, this is an arrangement that won’t work for a lot of people, but if all parties understand the boundaries and have common respect/courtesy for one another, it could work out. Have you and your wife already extended your invitation to your MIL? Or, are you just in the beginning stages of thinking about it? Your concern regarding your young son is valid; having a clear understanding with your MIL that your young child shouldn’t be near while she is transferring should be simple enough. You and your wife need to take a serious look at your finances and when you make this offer to your MIL, have a concrete understanding of how much her rent will be, and if it will include food and utilities, etc. One of the biggest things that can interfere with a happy family is money, so having a clear understanding right from the beginning will save you a lot of hurt feelings. I wish you the best of luck!

Before your SIL moved in, did anyone ask you if it was okay? You’ve talked with and fought with your husband about all of this; have you ever gone directly to your in-laws and told them, right to their faces, that you need to have them follow certain rules? If you haven’t, I think that should be your next step.

You say that your husband doesn’t follow through with counseling, but I urge you to still go by yourself, for yourself. Talking with a professional is an excellent way to have your thoughts and feelings validated by someone who is totally unbiased! Also, a professional can offer you guidance that you don’t find anywhere else in your life. I encourage you to do this for YOU, not for anyone else. Although your in-laws are right there on your doorstep, it is time that you put your focus and energy into someone that you do have the power to help, and that is YOU. You already know that screaming/arguing/talking doesn’t help, what do you have to lose? I wish you the best.

Dr. Phil,

My inlaws live out of town and it is just by chance we are flying into to where they live for my family reunion.  I was just informed today by my husband that my inlaws are planning my twins first birthday bash this Sunday while we are in the area.  He swears he just found out about it this Sunday...I found out today which is Wedneday and we fly on Friday. The problem I have with this?  A few months (4 months ago really) ago my mother in law asked what was I planning for the kids first  birthday on August 5th.  I stated nothing "huge" just a small birthday party at the house and I was inviting friends and family (of choice my inlaws were included in this invite).  Slide note:  My inlaws are known for throwing "huge" parties...and this is their first grand kids...and twins at that.  Well she preceeded to tell my that my father in law wanted to be at the birthday party...which goes w/out saying that yes...I expected they both would want to come to Texas for the birthday party... By the way her response to my comment regarding a "huge party" was huh!!! All in all, I have planned the twins First Birthday Party in Texas where we live on August 4th (2 weeks away)...And today, I find out that my inlaws have planned a big bash for the twins this weekend...and no one tells me until Wednesday...4 days prior to the Big Bash...when the Party I have planned isn't until their Birthday on Aug 5th...Note, their parties normally become a party for adults instead of a kids birthday party.  I feel so slighted, because my belief is since I wasn't throwing the type of party they wanted, they did what they wanted to anyway...I asked my husband why is this the first time I am hearing about this and why didn't any one ask me what I thought about it.  I feel the joy is planning my kids first birthday is gone...What are your thoughts on this??  My husband states, "well, they told me about it Sunday"...If you want me to tell them to stop it I will, just let me know...now, come on....we all know what problems this will cause...Please help any comments....Am I the only one who thinks this is a problem???  Why am I the last to know???

Their argument will be that a lot of family and friends would like to meet the twins who you wouldn't necessarily invite or expect to travel to Texas.  You were told last because they knew they were overstepping the mark and your husband left it until now to tell you because he knew it potentially could cause a big family upset.

Pick up the 'phone now.  Tell MIL Sunday is not the twins first birthday party it is a "Meet and greet the twins party".  There will not be a cake and candles and any presents will be put to one side until the twins real birthday party.  (One year olds don't understand presents.)  You will leave the event WITH THE TWINS  or publicly denounce her as an overbearing MIL if these rules are violated.  (Leave this bit out if you haven't got to the stage where you will happily ruin a family party on principle because they make not believe you and making empty threats is not a good idea.)  If she attempts to change the rules tell her the bottom line is you do not make arrangements for other people's children without permission and put the 'phone down.