Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

 i have been married to my husband for 10 years

when we started to date his mother was jelouse

my husband and her were the only 2 living toghter at that time

i knew this and tryed to ignore the situation . after we got married

my mil hated me more .. she would send her mother and sister

after me tellign them lies

then when we would confront her she would say it wasnt her

she has tryed every trick in the book to break us up

even saying that there was girls calling the home for him

no matter how many times i tryed to get along with her she wont budge

just yesterday she sent her sister here with a card for my son

after we told her we didnt want her sister in our home anynore

she invites my husbad to her home for dinner and not us

she skips us on all holidays and right now i think shes

telling him in her own way to make a chocie me or her

she will call 4 times a day and if my huisbad dont awnser the phone

she will hang up on us

i am starting couseling next week because i am at the point

deppression and crying all the time

my husband had told her in a nice way , he doesnt wan tto be mean

to stop doing these things

she doesnt care what he says one bit

the last time she came to my home she didnt talk to me

at all just him

she sat there and made faces at me like im crap !!

she has already made the comment that i am crap

i dont want to divoce him but i really dont know what else to do

i changed my phone number and she came here everyday to my door

banging on it asking for a number

if i could move away i would do that but my husband has a good job

now and its not easy getting one like he has

and there is no one to talk to on his side

because she made shure that every one of them hate me

and they dotn talk to me ., just him

i really need someone to talk to and some advice here

before i end up in a mental place somehwhere

 

Hi All,

My story goes like this- i met my husband when i was 14 am now 36.  we have been together since day one.  his family have never liked me and made me feel uncomfortable from day one.  being so young i did not handle the situation as i should.  through the years they have gone out of their way to make everything i say or do wrong and offensive.  my hubby and i moved in together when i was 22 and at 24 we had our first of 3 children.  my hubby has 1 brother and 2 sisters.  his parents are separated (another saga).  all of his siblings my MIL has invited to call her Mum, but not me.  i have driven her to doctors appt with my newborn, i have decorated their garden for my SIL wedding photos, i have always tried to include them in everything and offer support. thinking this was the right thing to do, as i wanted to be accepted.  when speaking to my BIL wife, she informed me that when she met them the first thing that they all told her was to stay away from me. 

 

anyway, it all came to a head about 3 years ago, i had had enough.  i tried to help my SIL and they turned it into me being offensive.  i told my hubby that if i associated with them they would find something bad to say about me, and if i didnt they would anyway.  i told him that i needed to stay out of their lives and i would only associate with them when it had to do with the kids as it is not their fault.  the change in my life was amazing.

 

but i have to tell you- my hubby always sides with them, is always doing what they want to make them happy, even if it breaks my heart.  An example of this is that recently, i told him that to make him happy i would invite them over one by one and try to smooth things over.  i explained to him that i was going against every grain in my body and felt like i was selling my sould to the devil, but i would do it to make him happy.  i followed through.  the exchange was that i wanted him to defend me when it came to them, make me feel more appreciated, and to think of my feelings first before he did anything for them-  my MIL has never cooked my 4.5 son a dinner. yet does for the others.

 

the youngest SIL got married recently and i told him that i did not want him to walk her down the isle.  he had done this for the other one and accompanied my MIL to the past 2 weddings.  he promised me that he wouldnt, but when she asked him he accepted.  i cried a river as i felt betrayed, i was making an effort and he broke a promise.  be better than that i say- ok, but meet her at the church, i always go on my own with the kids, just this once lets go as a family. ok he says and then agrees to go with her.

 

he is now angry at me, because i make life hard for him, every function i say something bad about his family.  funny, i thought that the kids and i were his family.

 

our life without me associating with them was so good. i now have alopecia, because of the stress.

 

how do i make him see that i am not asking him to choose, i just want to be considered and important enough to be stood up for?

i wouldn't have fallen over myself with glee had my son brought home a serious girlfriend at 14 and I wouldn't do so if he did it now at 16.  Any initial concerns your in-laws expressed about your relationship should be forgiven provided they were about things such as the effects of the relationship on education or the loss of freedom to move areas or take up unusual challenges without consideration of a partner's circumstances etc.  

 

What you tried to achieve with your offers of help and invitations and inclusions may not have fitted with your in-laws family norm.  They may prefer to see themselves as independant people and have a more casual approach to regular family contact - in which case you may have come across as over-bearing and intrusive. 

 

Whatever the truth of the history that led up to you deciding you wanted no contact all you can do is take yourself out of the way and not take part.  If your husband wants to have contact with his family then all you can do is agree a general level of how often he goes to visit them.  What you cannot do is dictate what your husband does on specific occasions because as you now know promises will get broken if circumstances dictate.

 

What you asked for with your demands over your SIL's wedding was unreasonable.  It amounted to the bride and your husband's family being publicly embarrassed in front of the new in-laws.  Here comes the bride, father's not here because the parent's don't get on, eldest brother walking her down the aisle but obviously can't stand her company because he hasn't brought her to the church!       

Removing yourself from having to be in the presence of your in-laws is one of the best decisions you can make for yourself; my advice to you is to continue doing that as much as possible. The less that you have to deal with them and their dysfunction, the happier you will be.
I understand how hurt you feel regarding your husband’s broken promise; however, your request that he not walk his sister down the isle was unreasonable. Perhaps your husband never should have made that promise- perhaps he thought he could simply make the promise to make you quiet, knowing that he was going to do it anyway- who knows? Is this something that you argue about daily, weekly, monthly? I’m curious to know how often this issue affects your marriage.
Your husband not standing up for you is a deal breaker. (as Dr. Phil would say!) You are right- you and the children are family, it is time for him to put YOU first. My suggestion to you is to approach your husband to talk about this- not argue, just have a conversation that will end, hopefully, in the two of you coming to an agreement. Ask him why he doesn’t stand up for you- is there something he is afraid of? Does he worry that his mother will ‘cut’ him out of her life if he spoke up to her? Ask him to think about what is the worst thing possible that could happen if he simply asked his family to have respect for his wife; it isn’t an unreasonable request! I wish you the best. One more suggestion: read the book, “toxic in-laws” by Susan Forward; that book changed my life!

I would not change the situation if I knew what was going on with my son on a day to day basis. It makes me want to scream at times when I come home and my house is a mess and my son is filthy from everything he ate all day, he has a dirty diaper and a new scratch on him and when I ask about what went on all day - I hear the same, " "We did nothing but sit inside all day and watch spanish TV, and I don't know how he got that new scratch..." Seriously, if any other mom out there got that kind of response from their child care provider - you'd want to find another. I can leave my son with the neighbor - his God Parents while we have date nite, and I get a minute by minute account of what went on - the times that he had a diaper change and what he ate - if he got messy during eating - they change his clothes.  I cannot even find out what time a bottle was made from his mother - much less anything else. and she does not do anything with him that stimulates his mind. Spanish soaps all day is not what my son needs. He should be out at the park in the morning while it is still cool . And he should play with the other neighborhood kids. Anyd my MiL knows the neighbors - she just chooses to be anti-social. Right now at 12-months old - my son is scared of other kids and he bites everyone - I cannot have him like that when he starts pre-school. and I need that to stop now. The only way for me to do this is at least have him in a child care facility a few days a week and she can watch him the rest of the time. I would gladly choose my son's God parents if they did not work all day. I have tried leaving my son with the other neighbors - and it got to be to tedious a hassle with what was "owed" So we nipped that in the bud. I just don't know what to do - I'm just so tired that even if it does cost more - I am feeling like maybe the best for me to put my son in day care.

 It would appear that you have already decided and yes, if I was so unhappy with the way my child was being looked after then I wouldn't be asking total strangers on a message board what to do, I'd do something about it myself now. I think you'll also find that day care facilities don't have your very high standards and I would be surprised if they will give you the detailed information you want. However your child will get the chance to interact with other kids. His biting tendencies would bother me and I must admit I would want to sort that problem out myself as day care facilities won't want an aggressive child, so try to deal with that issue yourself with him. It might be worthtaking time off work to deal with that.
It is hard working and leaving your children with others but if you can't afford to reduce your hours or give up work altogether then that is the price you have to pay and you have to realise that unless it is a family member the people you are leaving your child with won't of course love your child and will only be dealing with him on a professional basis along with all the others on their books. Your Mother in-law I'm assuming brought your husband up and did it quite successfully as otherwise you wouldn't have married him.
I can understand you want a social time out with your husband but I think you need to sort out child care arrangements first and then it is easy enough to find someone to baby-sit occasionally at night. Investigate if your local community has a Mother's Group that baby-sit for each other or your school has a group of responsible teenagers who do this, (our local school's teachers used some of the girl students and they started a small business baby sitting, they got child care qualifications from the local college as well as taking their usual exams). Baby sitters are easier to find (and standards don't need to be as high) than good, reliable child care that you are happy with.
I have worked practically all my married life and my children have been looked after by relatives, child minders and work place nurseries. I did lots of research before hand and the one occasion I wasn't happy (and also so wasn't my daughter) I took her from the child minder and  within the  2 days I took off work, I found her somewhere else that we all loved.
It is very hard, I grant you but it is your son who is the most important person in all this and you have to find out what's best for him and if you can't find anything better or almost as good as  what you can give him then you seriously have to think about changing your work arrangements.

I've been married to my husband now for 7 yrs!! The marriage is great! It's my MIL!!! She and I have never been close! This goes back to the beginning of our relationship! When my husband and announced that we were getting married, she tried to forbid it!! Lucky for me my husband didn't listen!!!! Then to make matters worse she lied about not being able to come! She claimed she had buisness out of town, but when my husband and I went by the house the next day, she was there!! That should have been a wake up call! Now 7 yrs later there isn't much of a change! She's much closer to the other DIL! Always doing stuff with her and treating her different! I always feel like I have to prove that I have to compete for her acceptence! I'm tired of it! Is this normal? Should still have to try to "please" her  after all these years? I'm at my wits end! I don't want to start anything! I love my husband! But I don't know much more I can take!!

 hi

i think im in the same situation as you are

i also have a sis in law who is a fav

and hides in the shadows and causes trouble

after 7 years i dont know if its worth makeing a effort

 

Your SIL sounds like trouble! Whether or not you should warn your parents depends upon your relationship with them; would they take in this information and seriously consider it, or, would they take the information and then ask the SIL about it? If they would go to the SIL and ask her, that gives your SIL the opportunity to turn the situation around, perhaps even saying that it is YOU who wants the information.
Do your parents have someone appointed to be their power of attorney when/if the time comes that they need one? If not, I urge you to talk to them about that instead of telling them about your SIL’s curiosity regarding assets. Many times the same person appointed to be the power of attorney also is the one who takes care of the estate- dividing it up properly, not just giving everything to one person. Do your parents have a will? This is another issue to discuss with your parents, because without a will, there WILL be issues with your SIL.