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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:13:41 am
Author : dataimport
Love them, tolerate them, or despise them? Dealing with the in-laws can be stressful to a marriage. Share your stories and coping strategies.

 
bluemoon576
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September 17, 2007, 7:23 pm PDT

A difficult situation...

Quote From: dickdragun

Dear All-

 

I will apologize in advance for this long post.  But, I truly hope someone out there has either experienced this, or can help lead me on the right path. 

 

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now; have a home, a daughter and a new baby on the way.  My wife likes my parents; however there is somethings that we just cannot stand.  The largest problem is that they come over without being invited or letting us know in advance.  I have had a talk with them in the past about this and thought that it was all cleared up.  However, over this past weekend it seems we have had a relapse.

 

My Aunt and her 12 year old son moved here from out of state.  Keep in mind that she has not truly been a part of my life since I was about 8 years old.  I have not in the past had a problem with her. 

 

Well the situation goes, we were waiting on a utility company to come to our house to perform some repair work, and I also had a company outing that my family and I were going to attend.  We were already running late, and the utility company was taking longer than expected.  My mother and Aunt accompanied by my sister, and cousin (aunts son) decided to drive by to show them my house and where I lived, as they are new to the area.  This did not bother me one bit.  They then decided to stop.  Now mind you I have a 2 year old, go to work and school 16 hours of my day, so this leaves us very little time to actually pick up our house.  Upset about my aunt and cousin seeing my home in this manner for the first time, topped off with already being late for my company event, I was quite irritated.  I met them at the door and said we were running late, and that we had no time to visit.  My mother then said its ok we will only be a minute.  I was hoping shed say ok, well call me later.  I did not want to make a scene in the presence of my aunt, sister, and cousin.  To make a long story short the came in anyway.  I will not lie I was very short with them said hello and not much more.  I was irritated.  My wife made mention that if she knew they were coming that we would have cleaned.

 

Of course, my mother said it doesnt matter they are family.  But, it matters to us after all it is my house.  So I waited a few days and wrote my mother an email, I was very nice about it.  Simply telling them that I did not appreciate it that they stopped by out of the blue, and that I have told them in the past that I would like some notice before I have visitors.  Also, said I was disappointed in the fact that she came in anyway.  Well I waited a few days, no email back to me.  Then ran into my mom and dad at the store, they were very stand offish, this told me that they indeed got the email but had nothing to say. 

 

Then on Sunday my wife informs me that my Aunt has written an email to me, though does not have my address so sent it through my wife.  Which is a load of BS as she has sent me things in the past?  I think that this was her way of being sure my wife would read it.  My wife was upset and stressed out about it; mind you she is pregnant and doesnt need the extra stress.  So I read it, and it is one of the most bashing mean letters I have ever read.  She went on to tell me that I was inconsiderate and very impolite to them when they came over.  How dare I expect them to leave from the doorstep?  Also, said that she could not believe that I gave them a cold treatment when they came into my house. 

 

My daughter has always been a bit scared or shall I say shy around my parents, so they dont watch her much, and they get to see her when we have time to go over there, which they think sucks.  I have to agree I wish she was more warmed up to them.  However, in this email my aunt sends me; it says how she thinks my parenting skills suck, because I do not teach my daughter that my mom is a special person because she is grandma.  This is totally not true, my daughter sees them as much as we can go over there, and we talk about them all the time.  My wife and I are always promoting extended family with my little girl.  She then goes on to say how she hopes that my wife I are innocently ignorant to this situation. 

 

I can personally tell you that this is probably the first time I have truly stood up to my parents and intend to hold my ground.  I really need advice on how to deal with my Aunt, and my Parents.  Here is the sticky part, my daughters birthday is next week, and we plan to have a nice party for her.  My parents will most definitely be invited, but my wife and I dont want my aunt to come.  What do I do, I am so confused, frustrated, and just outright enraged.  Please help

 

Matt

Hi matt, sorry to hear about these problems. I was reading through your lines and sympathizing with you, although my husband and I don't have kids yet. I watch Dr Phil as much as I can, and I always learn a lot on each show. He puts things on the table, either you like it or not. All these yrs I always remember him saying that you should put your family first, meaning your wife and kids! These are the dearest ones to you, the ones you are financially, psychologically, physically, emotionally responsible!! They should receive your priorities. It's your house, your family, your privacy, your life, you guys deserve some FAMILY DIGNITY. Visitors should be welcome but scheduled because you now have your dear ones to care for, and you deserve to have time with them, that's a natural thing that most in laws can't comprehend!! You wrote them in a nice way and they were acting funny and even complaining to you about that, what can you do now? I can't tell you what to do, but maybe just do nothing! Continue with your life, take good care of your wife with new baby on the way (she probably needs LOTS of attention and care, well deserved for!), another child and YOU! Family visits should not be forced and only when the parents think it's apropriate. I never understand why grandparents can never get this straightened out! I still have problems with my inlaws, but somehow got better because we moved far away from them and we don't allow them too much into our private affairs, we basically put them back on the place they belong. We love them but hey... we need our family quality time and we sometimes don't feel like cleaning up for uninvited visitors and giving them attention. I hope somehow I helped you... I know your situation is a little different from mine, but I've had huge problems with my inlaws in the past, so I know of one thing: I enforce our rights as a family here, and we don't give out our family dignity anymore!!
 
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bluemoon576
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September 17, 2007, 7:44 pm PDT

Move away as far as possible I guess...

It's really very rare nowadays to see couples getting along with their in-laws. You can't open a person's head and insert things inside there, unfortunately. Either you will cope with it or you don't. My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs now. My parents in law seemingly like me but there were lots of hard moments we went through. I don't care if they like me or not. I didn't marry them! I was always blaming myself for them not treating me adequately, for me not being what they wanted me to be, but hey! I can't please everyone! I am the way I am and my husband appreciate me as a wife and who else cares about it? I learned to be self content with my life, my loving husband and the situations we go through each day. There were many moments we needed support, we needed financial aid, there was nobody to help out. We learned not to feel pity for ourselves and just live a day at a time. Unfortunately nobody will knock in your door to offer anything, so are you just going to sit on the side of the road and feel sorry for yourself and cry? Hell no! I look at myself in the mirror and say: I got 2 arms, 2 legs, I see well, I hear well, I don't have to depend on others for anything! We moved away and now are very happy, we got FAMILY DIGNITY that we so long needed! My husband had a chance to grow as a family head as well, he has matured a lot since we moved away. THis gives us a great feeling! My in-laws will call us once in a blue moon, and so will my husband call them. But now they know their place, and they are good where they are! We have no kids and we love to be just the two of us, we work hard for the necessities we have and we are truly happy. I got to be thinking that your in-laws will be a stumbling block to your relationship with your mate ONLY if you allow it to be so. Sometimes it will require a strong word and maybe some time off from them. They have to understand that their son/daughter isn't the little baby anymore. Birds never keep their babies in their nest forever, as a matter of fact they will push their little ones off the nest so they can learn ON THEMSELVES how to fly! Why can't we be that way? Everybody has their place in the family arrangement, the thing is "would they colaborate to it? Will they play their parts in order to contribute with peace and tranquility in the family setting"? that's the question.
 
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mmcturk
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September 17, 2007, 9:10 pm PDT

Congratulations

Quote From: dickdragun

Dear All-

 

I will apologize in advance for this long post.  But, I truly hope someone out there has either experienced this, or can help lead me on the right path. 

 

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now; have a home, a daughter and a new baby on the way.  My wife likes my parents; however there is somethings that we just cannot stand.  The largest problem is that they come over without being invited or letting us know in advance.  I have had a talk with them in the past about this and thought that it was all cleared up.  However, over this past weekend it seems we have had a relapse.

 

My Aunt and her 12 year old son moved here from out of state.  Keep in mind that she has not truly been a part of my life since I was about 8 years old.  I have not in the past had a problem with her. 

 

Well the situation goes, we were waiting on a utility company to come to our house to perform some repair work, and I also had a company outing that my family and I were going to attend.  We were already running late, and the utility company was taking longer than expected.  My mother and Aunt accompanied by my sister, and cousin (aunts son) decided to drive by to show them my house and where I lived, as they are new to the area.  This did not bother me one bit.  They then decided to stop.  Now mind you I have a 2 year old, go to work and school 16 hours of my day, so this leaves us very little time to actually pick up our house.  Upset about my aunt and cousin seeing my home in this manner for the first time, topped off with already being late for my company event, I was quite irritated.  I met them at the door and said we were running late, and that we had no time to visit.  My mother then said its ok we will only be a minute.  I was hoping shed say ok, well call me later.  I did not want to make a scene in the presence of my aunt, sister, and cousin.  To make a long story short the came in anyway.  I will not lie I was very short with them said hello and not much more.  I was irritated.  My wife made mention that if she knew they were coming that we would have cleaned.

 

Of course, my mother said it doesnt matter they are family.  But, it matters to us after all it is my house.  So I waited a few days and wrote my mother an email, I was very nice about it.  Simply telling them that I did not appreciate it that they stopped by out of the blue, and that I have told them in the past that I would like some notice before I have visitors.  Also, said I was disappointed in the fact that she came in anyway.  Well I waited a few days, no email back to me.  Then ran into my mom and dad at the store, they were very stand offish, this told me that they indeed got the email but had nothing to say. 

 

Then on Sunday my wife informs me that my Aunt has written an email to me, though does not have my address so sent it through my wife.  Which is a load of BS as she has sent me things in the past?  I think that this was her way of being sure my wife would read it.  My wife was upset and stressed out about it; mind you she is pregnant and doesnt need the extra stress.  So I read it, and it is one of the most bashing mean letters I have ever read.  She went on to tell me that I was inconsiderate and very impolite to them when they came over.  How dare I expect them to leave from the doorstep?  Also, said that she could not believe that I gave them a cold treatment when they came into my house. 

 

My daughter has always been a bit scared or shall I say shy around my parents, so they dont watch her much, and they get to see her when we have time to go over there, which they think sucks.  I have to agree I wish she was more warmed up to them.  However, in this email my aunt sends me; it says how she thinks my parenting skills suck, because I do not teach my daughter that my mom is a special person because she is grandma.  This is totally not true, my daughter sees them as much as we can go over there, and we talk about them all the time.  My wife and I are always promoting extended family with my little girl.  She then goes on to say how she hopes that my wife I are innocently ignorant to this situation. 

 

I can personally tell you that this is probably the first time I have truly stood up to my parents and intend to hold my ground.  I really need advice on how to deal with my Aunt, and my Parents.  Here is the sticky part, my daughters birthday is next week, and we plan to have a nice party for her.  My parents will most definitely be invited, but my wife and I dont want my aunt to come.  What do I do, I am so confused, frustrated, and just outright enraged.  Please help

 

Matt

 May I say well done to you. I have read your message a couple of times and quite frankly I think you have handled a tricky situation so far very well. You told your parent and aunt no, they ignored you and you let them know you weren't happy that they ignored you.
Your responsibilities are towards your wife and child(ren), you have shown this and you must continue to show a united front.
What I now would do, (which is probably going to be called passive aggressive) but worked for me years ago, in a similar situation,  is this.  Delete the e-mail. Don't tell your Mother about it, pretend it never arrived. Your Aunt did this cruel thing to cause trouble so don't let her know you have read it. If it is ever mentioned say what e-mail? Your wife can do the same, feign innocence. The chances are your Aunt regrets sending it and even if she doesn't then carry on pressing delete should she send it sgain. The beauty of e-mails, text messages, phone calls are that the receiver has the choice of receiving them (or not), which you don't with face to face communication. Don't let your Aunt have her drama.
I'd then never refer to their rudeness again. Should your Mother say something then make a joke about it, 'Well Mum you know never to arrive unannounced again, my home, my rules'. If she persists then change the subject , don't get drawn into a post mortum on what happened and who said what, Make a joke out of it, but make sure she realises you aren't budging. You have made a stand and you have to stick to it, certainly 'hold your ground'.
So ignore your Aunt's e-mail, try to keep her out of your life as much as you can. Invite your parents, to the party, by not doing it will make things worse.If they are rude enough to bring your Aunt, then I would hope she brings a HUGE present (to assuage her guilt). If she refers to the e-mail, act dumb. Avoid her as much as is possible. After the party , if your parents have disrespected you then you must discuss with your wife whether to minimise all contact  with them  for a time, as a pregnant wife can probably do without the stress. It may be that your Mother and Aunt realise they have gone too far and will be fine at the party, it is just something you have to get through. No matter what ,remember your wife and children are your number 1 priority and if your family are causing problems it is up to you to resolve them.
You seem a very sensible man and I'm sure you will resolve all this with the minimum of fuss.
 
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mlc1981

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September 18, 2007, 12:26 am PDT

thanks

Quote From: jaimie1974


My advice to you is this: read the book Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward ASAP!! This is a book that totally changed my life for the better. While reading this book, you will probably see your own situation in there, just with different names- and you will learn how to create and enforce healthy boundaries with any toxic people in your life. Your MIL will be back in your life at some point, and hopefully by that time, you will realize that no matter how hard you try, she will NEVER approve of anything you do. It is important that you and your husband do things that make YOU happy; things that bring you fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment. You shouldnt live your life making decisions based on how it will please someone else- it will never work. Best wishes to you.
Thanks for the advice! I needed to hear that! that's exactly what I was thinking! Could you find that book anywhere?
 
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mlc1981

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September 18, 2007, 12:28 am PDT

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: mariaamy

No you should not need to prove yourself to her. I am going through the same kind of stuff with my mil. She could not stand me when she first met me because of rumors she heard. I also feel for my husband because he is in the middle also and acts like it doesn't bother him but I know it does. I don't think things will ever get better for either of us and we need to go on realizing that it is ok and then we can move on and hope it doesn't effect our marriages.

thanks for the posting!! Hope things gets better on your end!

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
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lisluvsace00
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September 19, 2007, 9:31 am PDT

Confused!

After 8 months of having my hubby's mom not talk to us, we decided we wanted to try to reconnect! So we emailed her and no response! Then my bil emailed saying that we need to leave her alone! That she doesn't want us to contact her right now! That we lied to her and emotionally abused her! That really upset us! We wrote back and asked how did we lie to her and emotionally abuse her! And no response there! We don't even know what we did! How are we suppose to know what we did if nobpdy will talk to us! Or for that matter when! I'm wondering is it still worth trying to reconsile or should we give up trying? I'm not sure anymore! I feel so bad for my husband! I love him so much! We are close with my family and I think it makes him sad about his! He used to be really close to his family! Personally I could really care less about us reconsiling with his family because of the way they've treated me! But I don't want my husband to suffer!! I want to now, should we continue to try to connect or just give up?

 
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twyzted
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September 19, 2007, 12:20 pm PDT

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Hey All

 

I'll apologize in advance because I know this is going to be a long post. But I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on this. I'm not yet married but do plan on it in the near future, and it scares me to think of moving that far because of what I've dealt with from his family so far. Let me explain.

 

My boyfriend and I started dating in high school. Things didnt work out, kid stuff, and a few years later we reconnected. Things have been amazing between the two of us. It was love all over again, and we are completely devoted to one another. The problem is not our relationship. Its his family!

 

When we first started dating his family was really accepting of me. I stayed at his parents house often, and everyone was decent. Soon I realized this was just an act, and they had all been saying things about me since the beginning. I overheard one of these conversations, and then was informed by his sister in law as well.

 

His mother and father have gone insanely overboard. They kicked me out of their home, calling me nasty degrading names, telling the family I have given my boyfriend STD's, and the entire family seems to think I'm the spawn of satan all of a sudden. Everytime theres an argument with him, all they can say to him is "It's okay, we dont blame you, we know where its really coming from" and to everyone else "Its not his fault, its that thing he's with". I've done my best to just bow out of family functions, and try to spend my time away from them, but they continually talk about me to everyone they know. Recently they've gone far enough to talk about my younger sister and how shes just as bad as I am. They dont even know my sister!

I know I'm not completely innocent in this, and have yelled back before, but have not said anything nasty, and have definately not tried to turn my boyfriend against them.

 

My problem is this. I dont want to cause my boyfriend to lose his entire family, but he's become disgusted with their behaviour towards me, and their inability to accept his decisions. I've tried more than once to make amends with his family, but it seems unless they need something from us, they never come to our apartment and never call unless its to make us feel like garbage.

 

Am I right in wanting nothing to do with them, and wanting them to have nothing to do with any family him and I may build in the future? If they came back with a genuine apology, I would have no problem trying to work things out, but no one will take any ownership! His mother is still upset that I broke his heart in high school, and that I am controlling and manipulative.

 
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lisluvsace00
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September 20, 2007, 6:09 am PDT

you are right!

Quote From: twyzted

Hey All

 

I'll apologize in advance because I know this is going to be a long post. But I'm hoping to get some outside opinions on this. I'm not yet married but do plan on it in the near future, and it scares me to think of moving that far because of what I've dealt with from his family so far. Let me explain.

 

My boyfriend and I started dating in high school. Things didnt work out, kid stuff, and a few years later we reconnected. Things have been amazing between the two of us. It was love all over again, and we are completely devoted to one another. The problem is not our relationship. Its his family!

 

When we first started dating his family was really accepting of me. I stayed at his parents house often, and everyone was decent. Soon I realized this was just an act, and they had all been saying things about me since the beginning. I overheard one of these conversations, and then was informed by his sister in law as well.

 

His mother and father have gone insanely overboard. They kicked me out of their home, calling me nasty degrading names, telling the family I have given my boyfriend STD's, and the entire family seems to think I'm the spawn of satan all of a sudden. Everytime theres an argument with him, all they can say to him is "It's okay, we dont blame you, we know where its really coming from" and to everyone else "Its not his fault, its that thing he's with". I've done my best to just bow out of family functions, and try to spend my time away from them, but they continually talk about me to everyone they know. Recently they've gone far enough to talk about my younger sister and how shes just as bad as I am. They dont even know my sister!

I know I'm not completely innocent in this, and have yelled back before, but have not said anything nasty, and have definately not tried to turn my boyfriend against them.

 

My problem is this. I dont want to cause my boyfriend to lose his entire family, but he's become disgusted with their behaviour towards me, and their inability to accept his decisions. I've tried more than once to make amends with his family, but it seems unless they need something from us, they never come to our apartment and never call unless its to make us feel like garbage.

 

Am I right in wanting nothing to do with them, and wanting them to have nothing to do with any family him and I may build in the future? If they came back with a genuine apology, I would have no problem trying to work things out, but no one will take any ownership! His mother is still upset that I broke his heart in high school, and that I am controlling and manipulative.

All depends on how serious you guys are about getting married in the near future! Because if you're not serious right now than I wouldn't worry about it! But if you're serious, than I would take care of this issue now! I know what it's like to be dating a man whose parents can't stand you! That's how my MIL was before we got married! When we told her we were getiing married she even went as far as trying to control him be telling him no! Thank god he didn't listen! She didn't even come to our wedding! Seven years later things are worse!! anyways..... They needs to come to you and apologize and take ownership! Not you! Hope everything goes better in the future!! My other advice is to let this ruin your wanting to get married!! Married life is wonderful!! I think it's the best part of life! I would definately recommend marriage to anybody! Take care! 
 
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lisluvsace00
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September 20, 2007, 6:14 am PDT

made a typo

Quote From: lisluvsace00

All depends on how serious you guys are about getting married in the near future! Because if you're not serious right now than I wouldn't worry about it! But if you're serious, than I would take care of this issue now! I know what it's like to be dating a man whose parents can't stand you! That's how my MIL was before we got married! When we told her we were getiing married she even went as far as trying to control him be telling him no! Thank god he didn't listen! She didn't even come to our wedding! Seven years later things are worse!! anyways..... They needs to come to you and apologize and take ownership! Not you! Hope everything goes better in the future!! My other advice is to let this ruin your wanting to get married!! Married life is wonderful!! I think it's the best part of life! I would definately recommend marriage to anybody! Take care! 

When I said to let this ruin your wanting to get married, I meant don't let this ruin your wanting to get married!!
 
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jaimie1974
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September 20, 2007, 1:14 pm PDT

to reconnect or not....

Quote From: lisluvsace00

After 8 months of having my hubby's mom not talk to us, we decided we wanted to try to reconnect! So we emailed her and no response! Then my bil emailed saying that we need to leave her alone! That she doesn't want us to contact her right now! That we lied to her and emotionally abused her! That really upset us! We wrote back and asked how did we lie to her and emotionally abuse her! And no response there! We don't even know what we did! How are we suppose to know what we did if nobpdy will talk to us! Or for that matter when! I'm wondering is it still worth trying to reconsile or should we give up trying? I'm not sure anymore! I feel so bad for my husband! I love him so much! We are close with my family and I think it makes him sad about his! He used to be really close to his family! Personally I could really care less about us reconsiling with his family because of the way they've treated me! But I don't want my husband to suffer!! I want to now, should we continue to try to connect or just give up?

You said that his family has treated you badly, what about their behavior towards your husband? Are they equally disrespectful to him also? Was this disconnect initiated by the two of you or by your MIL? (just curious!)
I know it is really frustrating to be accused of doing something you didn‘t do- in your case, “lying and emotionally abusing her..” but you’ve got to remember the type of people that you are dealing with. These aren’t rational, reasonable people who want to get along. They are people who enjoy chaos and dysfunction. So, they will make up lies/accusations in an attempt to validate their actions. I suspect that your MIL is offended that she has been disconnected from her son, so when you two made an attempt to reconcile, she is being childish and she’s playing the game back at you. She doesn’t want to communicate because she is trying to give you a taste “of your own medicine,” trying to make things equal. In an attempt to make her actions sound reasonable, she is accusing you of lying to her and emotionally abusing her. Real nice, huh!??
Your MIL’s actions is proof that she hasn’t changed at all. She isn’t interested in getting along, she only wants to dominate. Although this is hurtful for your husband, it is the best for him, because no matter how hard he tries, there isn’t anything that he will ever do that will make them (all of the in-laws) happy. Yes, it is sad for your husband that things are like this. When he reflects on the past and what a close relationship he used to have with his family, it is possible that his memories are tricking him. What I mean by that is this: sometimes when a person passes away, their friends/family members elevate that person to be imperfect while they were here on earth. In that same sense, your husband might be reminiscing about the past and romanticizing the actual events to be great, when the reality was that there was always a level of dysfunction in the family. I wish you the best- try to keep yourselves busy so that you don’t have much time to dwell on this!
 
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