Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

I went through somewhat of the same thing for my daughter's 1st birthday.  My in-laws are big drinkers and feel that alcohol is necessary to have at pretty much every occasion.  I went to my husband's cousin's graduation party, who requested that alcohol not be present, and because of this my in laws were mad and thought it was ridiculous.  Those who know my in-laws knew why my husband's cousin did not want alcohol present at her party.  Anyway, during this party my MIL was going on and on about how ridiculous that they always have alcohol present at partys.  With my daughter's party coming up I told my MIL that I was not going to have alcohol at her party.  My MIL just looked at me and then asked in more of a statement tone than question, that I wouldn't get mad if they brought alcohol.  My response was that I would serious question why she would feel the need to bring alcohol to a one year old's birthday party.  The party is for my daughter, not for my in-laws.   They did not bring alcohol to the party but they did smell like they had been drinking before they arrived.

 

I have been with my husband for 4 years now and it has been problem after problem with them.  Especially his sister who thinks she is the best of everything.  I have recently fought with her and have not spoken to her in two months.  With the holidays coming up, I am seriously stressing out because I don't know the right way to handle it.

 

I hope you have better luck in the future.  My advice is to be up front about who you are and what you feel is right.  If  your MIL does not like it, she will just have to get over it.  She had her chance at throwing the ideal party for her children, now it's your turn.

You are going to have to get your DH on board for this one.  Without his help you are going to get no where with the mil.  I have been married for 20 years and my dh knows that we spend more than the normal time with his family. My parents are no longer living and the rest of my family lives about 2 hours away from us.  We live closer to dh's family.  We are big college football fans and we go to all the home games for our team and so do the mil, fil and siser in law and brother in law.  We have a good time, and all but I do have to say that by the end of the season I am tired of his family.  We do Thanksgiving with my family and have always done that, but every year MIL will ask me what we are doing for Thanksgiving and I tell her the same every year.  We are actually staying home this year and are not tell MIL.  She will want us to join them, but we are staying home.  I am really looking forward to it just being our family.  My oldest daughter is getting married in December so we have been with the family even more.  I need a break for those few days.  Any way good luck!!

My MIL had a major meltdown a couple of weeks ago because we can't be with them at Christmas this year - only because they have now changed their plans. She got quite emotional and said things like "I will see my grandchildren at Christmas, nothing I ever do is good enough" etc.. Things got quite nasty from her side and she flipped out for a couple of days. Problem is she is now calling and acting like nothing happened, chatty and happy. What should I do? We are really upset about what was said and done (especially in front of our children) and not ready to resume a relationship without any acknowledgement or resolution - she says she will talk as long as we don't "dump" on her but she has done all of the dumping up until now. I feel really annoyed and angry - I don't just want to pretend like everything is OK as there have been many similar situations in the past that seem to go this way. What should I do?

 I have been married for a little over 1 year and we have a 1 year old.  The problem.........my mil shows way more attention to our niece and nephew than our child (we live 5 miles away from mil, niece and nephew like 30)  she never wants to babysit or spend time with our child, she's always too busy.  from the day we said "we're havin a baby" she has been so rude to me, my husband obviously doesn't see it cause it's his mom and "she'll never change it's who she is".  I think that she thinks our son isn't my husband's child cause she's always saying he looks nothing like him (she's the only one who thinks that)  she is the fakest person I have ever met, she talks badly about everyone and yet acts so loving and caring, it really is disgusting to watch.  My question.....how do I get my husband to say something to her before I do because I won't hold anything back and I think if he would just talk to her about everything it could maybe hopefully be solved?  I don't want my child to grow up and wonder why grammy likes his cousins more than him because kids do notice these things.   this is driving me crazy!

I’m not defending your MIL, I just have a couple of questions for you to think about: Are your MIL’s other grandchildren older? If they are, perhaps it is easier for her to watch them because older children can say what is wrong, etc., some people are more comfortable around children that can talk/express their needs, etc. Consider that your MIL might feel uncomfortable around babies. Whatever her issue is, consider it a positive thing that she doesn’t spend time with your baby- her negativity would cause stress for him. I’m a mother, too, and I have always felt that the best thing I can do for my kids is to surround them with people who love them and care for them. If there is a relative that doesn’t show interest, I consider it their loss; in your situation, your MIL is the one losing out.
You can guess the reasons why she doesn’t show interest, but you will never know for sure unless she tells you herself. Maybe you are right that she thinks your husband isn’t the father, but maybe your are wrong. Either way, does it matter? You know he is your son’s father, your husband knows, your baby knows- the people who love and care for you and your son KNOW who his father is. You can’t allow what your MIL might think to bother you, because that gives her power over you, and she would love to know that she is pushing your buttons with her behavior.
Your son won’t wonder why his grandmother spends more time with his cousins than him unless he wants to spend time with her. While he is growing up, he is going to pick up on her negativity, and he isn’t going to want to be around her. If she was a fun loving type of person who ignored him, then he might feel badly about it- but she isn’t that type of person. There is nothing that you can do or say that will change your MIL, the only thing you can do to deal with this situation is change the way you think about it. Right now, it is driving you crazy; and she doesn’t deserve that power over you. I understand why it bothers you- you have a beautiful baby and you want him to be loved and accepted; but there isn’t anything you can do that will force your MIL to feel that way. Starting today, when you begin to think about your MIL’s behavior, force yourself to think about something that makes you happy to distract yourself. Because you have no control to change her, you must focus on things that you DO have control over. I wish you the best!

Hi there......I've been married to a wonderful man for almost ten years now. He's an awesome husband, father and friend. We have stresses like every married couple, but one that really hangs over our heads is his parents. My husband is an only child, and his parents are in their 70's (my husband is in his 40's, I am in my 30's). His father doesn't like me because I don't adhere to the "be seen not heard" rule, I don't wear an evening dress and pearls to scrub toilets, and I don't cowtow to every idea my husband has , and has made this clear . His mother doesn't like me because, put simply, I have stolen her baby. She won't say in so many words, but the implication comes across loud and clear.

Even after ten years, I still don't know how to deal with them (I don't ever expect them to stop or change). I could handle them easier if they were toe-to-toe fighters, but they wait until your back is turned and then rabbit-punch you. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it!

Thanks so much

 im a 21 year old female.  I have a daughter with my boyfriend she is only 7 months and she is the center of attension with his side of the family.  They love her to death and they are very nice people.  But yet They tear me and my boyfriend apart, well maybe it is just me that tears up apart. His family was raised different then i was i guess, because everything they do gets on my last nerve, I can not take it and i always end up getting mad, and i dont like being around them.  In that case, me and my boyfriend fight like nothing before because it is his family they never seem to do anything wrong or if they do finally do something that is plainly to see that it is not right.  He is there with an excuse.  I get mad that he takes thier side and never mine but i can see why he does take thier side, but yet that hurts me. What am i suppose to do it is tearing us apart, Our love has weaken and i am tired of the fighting. i try to hide it and i never pick a fight with the family at all, to them I love them to death, which i do but they still drive me nuts.  I dont like how they act, what they do i think is rude, and their actions are horable. And i dont want them around my daughter because i dont feel they are in the position to care for her, because when they are with us and her, they do alot of stuff that if we werent there to stop them would hurt her, but they are always wanting to take her.  And Sometimes i am afraid they are going to pick up  bad habits, or that the enivorment will not be fit for the.  What should i do.  I just cant let my daughter get into risky situations, but i hate fighting with the one i love, of what is best for her.

I have been married for 16 years to a wonderful man, and we have 2 beautiful daughters.  The problem is his mother.  For 16 years I have put up with her bad mouthing me to everyone...and I have had it.  She tells people that I am a drunk, I don't take care of my kids, and that my husband has to do everything because according to her I drink all the time.  A lot of people who take the time and really get to know me and find out the truth always ask, "why do I put up with it."  I tell them because she is my mother in-law and I do it out of respect for my husband...plus I get to make her look like a total fool to the those people...and I love it.  However now that my daughters are getting older they are starting to notice these things and question me about it. Everyone in the family has to bend to my mother in-laws will...and my sister in-law is just like her.  An example is at Christmas time.  My mother in-law and sister in-law say that they want to be flexible when it comes to Christmas.  So I said since we are always there on Christmas Eve... why couldn't we open gifts then?  Because every year we go there for dinner on Christmas Eve, then we goto church and then go back to their house...then on Christmas morning we have to set an alarm to get out of bed...so we can hurry and open presents with our girls.  Then we have to hurry and get dressed so we can goto the in-laws so we can eat breakfast and then open gifts.  Meanwhile the girls have not gotten to play with anything they get because there is no time.  After we are done there we have to goto my mom and dads, for more gifts and dinner.  I would like to start my own traditions with my family (husband and daughters).  My oldest daughter even agrees with me that it is to stressful at Christmas.  I would like to not have to set an alarm to get up, and I would like to fix breakfast for my family while my girls get to play with there gifts. 

 

Is it to much to ask to be able to do that, or am I being selfish?

Wow, 16 years of this!? It is time to for a change.
Starting new traditions for your family would be wonderful. Is your husband completely on board with you regarding that idea? It is important that you and your husband show a united front. You described your husband as wonderful- I have to ask, does he speak to his mother about the rumors that she spreads about you? If not, he has to defend your honor; you are the mother of his children, it isn’t fair that your MIL is so disrespectful of your reputation. When your MIL spreads false information about you to other people, she is also hurting your children, her own grandchildren- all out of spite.
My advice is to for you and your husband to approach your MIL together in a very calm, rational manner. Say something like, “We always enjoy coming here on the holidays, but we’ve decided that we are going to schedule our Christmas differently this year.….” I know it might make you gag to say “we enjoy coming here…” BUT, the best way to get through to your selfish, manipulative MIL would be to compliment her, even if you don’t mean it. If you start the conversation out with a compliment, she can’t be defensive- and if she is defensive or rude, then she is out of line. It would also be good if there were other witnesses when you give her this information, that way the story can’t get twisted up too bad.
The holidays can be stressful, why put even more stress on yourself by running around doing things you don’t want to do? Consider this one of the best holiday gifts you can give yourself and your family. Make a reasonable schedule for the holiday and stick to it- don’t bend to your MIL’s will any longer. I wish you the very best! One last suggestion: Read the book, “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward. It helped me so much, I think it will help you, too.  

 

I am a 55 year-old woman in Florida with the most wonderful daughter-in-law in the world.  Reading these message boards and watching Monday's show broke my heart.  What more could any mother ask than for their child to find a loving, committed partner?  One of my greatest fears in life is that my son might someday make the mistake of losing his wife.  Personally, I will never give her up.  She is the best life-partner he could ever have found, a spectacular mother to my granddaughter and a beautiful person inside and out.  I could not love this girl any more had I given birth to her myself. 

 

Shame on those mothers-in-law who try to wedge themselves and their own agendas into the marriages of their children.  Surely our job was to teach them to find the right person and make a family of their own?  Our joy comes from watching that family grow in love over the years and being welcomed to share in it.

 

I also have the finest son-in-law on the face of this earth.  One of my proudest moments was when my daughter jokingly said I was not allowed to come live with them - and he told me I was welcome any time. 

 

Wendy

FL