Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Hi me and my husband have been married for 4 years in April. I have an MBA and my husband is working towards his bachelor's degree. We recently moved from a mid-size town to a major city and now my father-in-law keeps telling my husband he can come home.

We now live in Houston, TX and my husband's best friend lives in Austin, TX. Before we moved here my father-in-law kept telling my husband that we needed to get out of Somewhere, AL. So, we have now moved and my father-in-law and sister-in-law act as if they can not believe we actually left. They keep pressuring my husband about why we didn't move to Austin instead of Houston.

It really makes me mad that my inlaws want us to live in Austin just because my husband's best friend lives there. What about the job prospects and the people. Jobs are more bountiful in Houston and the people are nicer, in my opinion.

How can I not let my in-laws bother us, now that we have moved? My father-in-law calls everyday now to talk to my husband. It is really beginning to bother me. I love my husband so much. I do not want what I feel is my in-laws interferring into our relationship to affect our relationship negatively. Help!!!

Hello all,

Would love all the input I could get on this.  Before christmas my husband and I had set a limit for the christmas gifts to our daughter and our son and his family.  We were going to buy my son and his wife a TIVO and our twin granddaughters a portable dvd player for the car.  They are 2 1/2.  After discussing this with our son and daughter in law I was called several days later by my dil who requested that we not buy what we had intended and please buy our son a peice of safety equipment used for 4 wheeler racing.  This safety device was 399.00.  Our limit was 400.00 for the family.  She said that this is what the girls would really like since they would not know no different and this would be the best gift we could give her and the girls since he races frequently as this protects him from breaking his neck if something horrible was to happen.  I told her if we did this, this would be it.  No other presents for any of them.  She said over and over again this would be fine. She also wanted it to be a surprise.  I then called my husband and asked him what he thought and he thought it was a great idea.  We ourselves were often concerned with his safety doing this sport.  From there on it was between him and the dil.  I had talked to my son several days before christmas and he seemed distance.  I told my husband something is up.  He did not think so. Come christmas day our son usually calls, but did not.  So, I called him and he was very upset that I had not gotten the girls anything.  I explained the agreement me and his wife has came to, and he really did not care. He was hurt that we has not gotten the girls anything for christmas, I told him yes we did we gave them your safety when you race and that is what we were told to do.  We got off the phone and 4 days went by without us hearing from him so I called and said I feel there is bad blood can we talk.  He said yes and the conversation I thought was good, even though it started out bad.  His wife had said that during one of the conversations with my husband that he said he would see to it that the girls had something to open. He denied saying it.  It's a he said she said situation.  I told my son we were sorry, did not mean to hurt his feelings and he said he did not accept my appology.  We live 13 hours from him, and he said there was more reasons he was upset.  Upset that we did not call the girls on halloween and that we did not contact the girls thanksgiving even though we talked to him on the phone as he was heading home from her families thanksgiving. He also thinks that we should drive 13 hours to see them for the weekend.  He also feels that we should go there for the holidays, that is what all grandparents do now.  The grandparents go to the kids not the kids to the grandparents house. I told him I thought his expectations were to high and that I was trying the best I could for living so far away.  I have sent the girls alot of gifts that were not associated with holidays or birthdays.  After this lengthy conversation our son refuses to take our phone calls or talk to us.  His wife has mention to a mutual friend that we did not get the girls nothing for christmas without telling her the whole situation,  leaving her to wonder why would we do something like this.  I called this mutual friend and told her the complete story, the next day I get a call from my dil yelling at me, telling me she never wanted to speak to me again or see me.  Called me bitchy called me sick, called me crazy, Told me I was full of drama, and said I needed to back off or I was going to loose my son for life. I told her we only did what she wanted us to do for christmas, she said I was a horrible grandmother and that this is not her fault, and I was not going to throw it up in her face that this was her doing on the gift. I said, it is your fault and why are you so angry.  After more ranting on the phone she hung up on me.  And still my son will not answer our phone calls.

My daughter was in town for christmas and texted her brother some not so nice texts concerning his conversation with me.  I was not a part of that and I told her I did not approve.  She was just protecting us and did not go about it the right way.  She is young and has alot to learn. She since has appologized for her actions.  I don't think he has forgiven her for that either.

If I had to do it all over again i would not of agreed to do what my dil asked.  It was a huge mistake.  I have told my son that.  It has gotten me know where with him..  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hello all,

Would love all the input I could get on this.  Before christmas my husband and I had set a limit for the christmas gifts to our daughter and our son and his family.  We were going to buy my son and his wife a TIVO and our twin granddaughters a portable dvd player for the car.  They are 2 1/2.  After discussing this with our son and daughter in law I was called several days later by my dil who requested that we not buy what we had intended and please buy our son a peice of safety equipment used for 4 wheeler racing.  This safety device was 399.00.  Our limit was 400.00 for the family.  She said that this is what the girls would really like since they would not know no different and this would be the best gift we could give her and the girls since he races frequently as this protects him from breaking his neck if something horrible was to happen.  I told her if we did this, this would be it.  No other presents for any of them.  She said over and over again this would be fine. She also wanted it to be a surprise.  I then called my husband and asked him what he thought and he thought it was a great idea.  We ourselves were often concerned with his safety doing this sport.  From there on it was between him and the dil.  I had talked to my son several days before christmas and he seemed distance.  I told my husband something is up.  He did not think so. Come christmas day our son usually calls, but did not.  So, I called him and he was very upset that I had not gotten the girls anything.  I explained the agreement me and his wife has came to, and he really did not care. He was hurt that we has not gotten the girls anything for christmas, I told him yes we did we gave them your safety when you race and that is what we were told to do.  We got off the phone and 4 days went by without us hearing from him so I called and said I feel there is bad blood can we talk.  He said yes and the conversation I thought was good, even though it started out bad.  His wife had said that during one of the conversations with my husband that he said he would see to it that the girls had something to open. He denied saying it.  It's a he said she said situation.  I told my son we were sorry, did not mean to hurt his feelings and he said he did not accept my appology.  We live 13 hours from him, and he said there was more reasons he was upset.  Upset that we did not call the girls on halloween and that we did not contact the girls thanksgiving even though we talked to him on the phone as he was heading home from her families thanksgiving. He also thinks that we should drive 13 hours to see them for the weekend.  He also feels that we should go there for the holidays, that is what all grandparents do now.  The grandparents go to the kids not the kids to the grandparents house. I told him I thought his expectations were to high and that I was trying the best I could for living so far away.  I have sent the girls alot of gifts that were not associated with holidays or birthdays.  After this lengthy conversation our son refuses to take our phone calls or talk to us.  His wife has mention to a mutual friend that we did not get the girls nothing for christmas without telling her the whole situation,  leaving her to wonder why would we do something like this.  I called this mutual friend and told her the complete story, the next day I get a call from my dil yelling at me, telling me she never wanted to speak to me again or see me.  Called me bitchy called me sick, called me crazy, Told me I was full of drama, and said I needed to back off or I was going to loose my son for life. I told her we only did what she wanted us to do for christmas, she said I was a horrible grandmother and that this is not her fault, and I was not going to throw it up in her face that this was her doing on the gift. I said, it is your fault and why are you so angry.  After more ranting on the phone she hung up on me.  And still my son will not answer our phone calls.

My daughter was in town for christmas and texted her brother some not so nice texts concerning his conversation with me.  I was not a part of that and I told her I did not approve.  She was just protecting us and did not go about it the right way.  She is young and has alot to learn. She since has appologized for her actions.  I don't think he has forgiven her for that either.

If I had to do it all over again i would not of agreed to do what my dil asked.  It was a huge mistake.  I have told my son that.  It has gotten me know where with him..  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Okay, maybe you have done too much, as these people are adults.  Do you see what I mean?  But it sounds like the dad / your SIL wants to change this dynamic and that's A GOOD THING!  If he realizes maybe they've been a little too accepting of help when maybe they should've been finding a way to make it work within their own means, kudos to him.  What I really hear here is that he wants to change the dynamic and he's stepping right up and just saying I want to provide for my family.   

Please, please I urge you do not take this personally.  I think he wants to really grow up and act as a grown man.  Do not be offended, it really isn't about you it's about him realizing he needs to change. Praise him for this.   "I know you don't need any help.  You are a great man and you will provide for your family."  I also kindly suggest that you don't be offering money and help w/ various things, because that can come w/ an implication of 'I notice you arent' providing somehtng that I think is needed, so here I'll pick up your slack and provide it for you'.   Even if you don't mean it like that I bet that's what he'll feel.   I think you can still help them by saying "oh, we want to bring a gift, do you have any ideas?"   That takes the pressure of it a little.

I really think he is just trying to step up and establish himself as the man of the house to provide for his family, instead of relying so much on his wife's parents.  And he SHOULD do that.   Do not take it personally "oh, they don't need me anymore".   Find a new way to support them by praising how good they are doing, praise their efforts, etc.  You will endear yourself to them and reap the benefits for years to come, I am telling you.  You want to be someone they WANT to be around, you can do this.  Please, do not look at this as "they don't need me anymore because they're not dependant on me anymore."   They need you in a new way now, you can step up and proide that or you can turn bitter. Dr Phil talks about crossroad moments, and I truly, strongly feel you are at one now.

I hope this helps in some way.