Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Thanks for the positive words.  My husband has decided to take a stance of not taking a stance.  I’m okay with that.  I don’t need him to take sides and think it would be cruel to try to make him.  He’s okay with my taking a stance against accepting his parents and sisters crap.  He has also compromised on the family trips.  When we go to visit, we don’t stay as long, he helps more, and sometimes we stay at his cousin’s rather than his folks’ house.  We try to come up with alternative times for the kids to go visit grandma and papa.  I also know that part of their hostility is a result of my stepdaughter lying about me, or at least grossly exaggerating.  A quick example – we were on our way to buy Christmas gifts and were on a tight budget.  She told me I had to give her money to buy her mom’s ex-husband’s daughter a gift.  I told her I could give her $5 max and she was not satisfied, wanting much more.  I explained about being on a budget and that she has an allowance and makes money babysitting, etc.  She told grandma that I would not give her any money.  Even when confronted by my mother-in-law and explaining about the exaggeration I was still the bad guy.  Oh well.  I really don’t care any more.  Like you inferred – they don’t deserve my power.  It’s mine.  Besides, my family is happy and is even happier with graduation looming right around the corner.  I can’t wait!  It will be a load off.   

  

 

I have a serious case of senioritis! 

Hello,  My husband and I been  together over two years. We have a six month old  and  ever since she was born my in- laws have acted like she does not even exist, even though she is their first and olnly grandchild. We do not live but a five minute walk from their house, they do not come to see her or call.They have went weeks with out seeing her. At church they don't even look our way.  My  Mil  sometime time keeps her while I go to work, but she acts like it is to much of a hassle to keep her own grandchild for a few hours. Most grandparents would be thrilled! When I go to pick her up they have always fould something wrong with her.My question is should I just stop taking my child down to see them or confront them about the way they act?

Hi –  

Sorry to hear about your inlaws attitude.  I totally understand how you must feel.  You are probably irate and hurt on behalf of your daughter.  It hurts when the people who are supposed to coddle and love her are not doing those things.  There really isn’t anything you can do to change their attitudes.  Maybe they just don’t feel ready to be grandparents, don’t want to feel old, as being a grandparent does seem to imply that.  Or they could just have the attitude that they simply don’t want a small child “pawned” off on them.  Not that you’re doing that, it seems just the opposite actually.  Whatever their issues are, keep in mind that they are THEIR issues and not yours.  It has absolutely nothing to do with your daughter.  It has nothing to do with you.  It has nothing to do with your husband.  It has everything to do with them.  Don’t internalize their problems.  Let them stay where they belong – on your inlaws shoulders. 

  

 

Good luck hun!   

  

As for your questions which I seemed to ignore –  

  

 

I wouldn’t recommend just stopping brining your daughter over there.   

  

 

It would not hurt to let them know how you are feeling and how you perceive their actions.  Be political in your wording.  Ask if they want more or less time with their granddaughter.   

I am so tired of my mil playing head games.  I have a 14 yr old and a 9 year old and she has over the years played head games with my kids.   

She just did it again last night and I am so upset, but H won't say anything!  Husbands brother decided to get married in cuba...a long ways away, it would cost our family of 4 over $8000.00 for flight an dhotel for one week plus spending money.   

  MIL phones  and has emailed my oldest daughter asking if we are coming, doesn't ask me asks her.  Tells my Daughter that we really should be going.  Last night she calls again and says well if you can't all come then at least your dad should put the effort into coming.  She knew i was home and did not talk to me at all, instead discusses this with my 14 yr old daughter.  We have been wanting to take a family trip for a couple years now, and hope to have maybe around $4000 to spend to go somewhere maybe next fall.   

I think it is just wrong to "EXPECT" anyone to attend a wedding that is going to cost you around 8-10000.00 b/c you want to get married at a resort, and it is alot to ask to "EXPECT" a sibling spend 2500-3000 to go to a wedding when they have a family and two kids and bills to pay.   

Now if we do plan our family trip that we were wanting for the last 3 years anytime this year its going to come back to us from them saying well you should of gone to the wedding then. 
MY MIL is making it seem like "I" am the reason that we are not going that "I" don't want to be with them which is not the case...i would love to have the money to spend..but i think it is irresponsible to go into debt for a vacaton and it is wrong to expect that from anyone to fork over the cash to go there, plus the wedding gift to boot.  I would much rather spend that money on my kids education then on a vacation.
MY H can not stand up to his mother, and will not stand up for me, she will i guarantee make this ugly and i think it is just bad just bad.   

Am i wrong with this???   Any advice would be appreciated 

I've been married for 23 years! Never again going on fam. vacations. DO not go. If your husband wants to go - fine. Your MIL is a coward (manipulative) like mine. Mine is sneaky and a control freak. And it's so hard to stand up to them when we're nice people and they aren't. She's trying to make you feel guily and is trying to control by telling your daughter that your husband should go to the wedding. I've  read something that we need to put our foot down especially if our husbands won't....not yelling, that's what they want - a payoff. I'm struggling with telling my MIL that we won't be going to 2 Thanksgivings. We have thanksgiving and invite them over, they attend a relative of the MIL and then expect us to go to their house on another day for 'their' Thanksgiving. I've finally had it and besides don't need the extra calories. PS my MIL is a big emailer too.

My husband and I have been married for about a year now and we also have an 8 month old son. His parents recently divorced right before the birth of our son. His brother and two younger sisters all are in college but his little sister who is only 14 lives with my father-in-law. My husband was going to college but dropped out because he had to pay the bills for my father-in-law since my father-in-law does not work. With all the pressure from relatives, my father-in-law has decided to remarry by the end of this year. If this marriage does occur, he informed my husband and I and we will have to take care of his 14 year old daughter because his new wife won't want her. My mother-in-law refuses to pay child support for the 14 year old either. I feel so angry that my in-laws are not taking responsibility for their children. My husband and I are newly weds and are first time parents of an 8 month old and feel so stressed at the thought of taking responsibilty of a 14 year old. To make matters worse, I don't even get along with the 14 year old. She criticizes everything I do and tells my son that I am a bad mother. I want to get along with my in-laws but I am at my wits end. Please help! 

  

belle 

Thank you, it makes me feel better to hear it from someone else that i am not in the wrong here.   We have that problem too with xmas like your thanksgivings.  We travel out of town, both sides of parents live there, she thinks we should have christmas day and night and then next night again with her family...again!  I have a big family and have friends that i don't usually get to see b/c of this, we have only 4 days there and she is a huge monopolizer of time.  It just irks me!  Its not a usual xmas if she isn't  phoning over to my parents house bawling asking why we aren't there yet.  can't even enjoy my time with my family b/c of it.   

What I am dreading is i know for a fact she'll turn this around and make it my fault somehow, then at xmas she will be bragging about going away in front of my kids...which will only make them feel like crap and very dissapointed, it just sickens me it really does!  . 

I tell ya i am going to be the BEST mil when my kids marry some day!   That is the only positive thing i can take from it!  

thanks for the reply it relaly does help!!!!! 

I would tactfully ask your MIL if there is a problem. You can try to guess till the cows come home, but until you find out from them, it's all just assuming and you could come up with assumptions that are way off base.
It's possible that she doesn't mind watching her grandchild once in awhile, but does not want it to become a full time job. When some people are done raising their children, they are done raising children. If she feels this way, she might also feel guilty about bringing it up, since she doesn't want to appear  uncaring.