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Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws
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May 5, 2008, 9:24 pm PDT
 Quote From: arwen177 My Mil thinks that it's ok to serve alcohol at my son's 1st birthday party and I don't. When she asked me why I didn't think it was ok, I told her that it was because it was my son's party. She rolled her eyes and scoffed! I was so mad! My husband and I also planned on serving only hamburgers & hotdogs at the party, and MIL thinks that we need to have pork chops as well! She thinks that the "adults" will want "something else." and that "hjamburgers & hotdogs are fine for the kids" Who does she think she is?? When did it become her party anyways? What I'm wondering is if I should put my foot down on this and tell her that there is not to be any alcohol served and that all we are cooking is hamburgers & hotdogs and thats it or should I just let it go? You absolutely should put your foot down. Remind her that this is your child and that you are planning the party. Tell her that it's inappropriate to serve alcohol at a child's birthday party. You can also inform her that if she has a problem with any of the decisions that you are making concerning you child's party then she is more than welcome to decline her invitation. |
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May 5, 2008, 9:30 pm PDT
We are in a similar situation except the nasty mother-in-law is my mother. She has never had anything positive to say about my husband and used to make negative comments about him in front of our oldest child. She was very unsupportive when we got married and has since attempted to discourage me from having more children with him because she claims "he didn't want the two you have". We are not financially dependent on them anymore although we are currently paying them back for my university. She steps in whenever she wants, even over-ruling discipline decisions that my husband has made. She has done this in front of family and my kids. I have talked to her about it and she just says she loves them to much to sit back. I have started to pull away from her because I don't like the negative comments that she makes. It's been almost 9 years and it's not getting better. I'm assuming that at this point it won't. Any suggestions on what I can do to wake her up and realize what she's doing? |
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May 6, 2008, 12:42 am PDT
My in-laws have convinces my Ex-husband in the past to kidnapp our son from me when he was 3 months old and force my parents to move out of state. Now, most recently, my ex was arrested for beating me, in front of our son, and is now trying to have me arrested for kidnapping for fleeing to my parents for help in another state. Both of my ex in-laws had worked for the State we previously lived in so I am guessing that is the only way they have gotten away with this. The funny thing is if my ex and his mother would sever the umbilical cord between them, My son and I would not be living in fear because he has stated before that he does not want our child! If it is not a true life or death situation, keep your nose out of your childs marriage and vice versa. Thank you |
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May 7, 2008, 1:14 am PDT
Quote From: doridoridori Well I need some advice and wonder if anyone can give it. See I have been married going on 17yrs been together since 1989. Long time. I am having just another hard time with the husbands side.This is what is going on right now. On the morning of Feb3rd I kicked my husband out of the house. Asked him to leave and he did so willingly and quickly. Lots of words back and forth not very nice. So as anyone knows this was a big day for all it was SuperBowl Sunday. So he leaves. Upset as I am I decide to just hang around the house with my children. We have 3. 15 daughter,13 son, 6 daughter. My children are also upset as this is the first time anything like this has happend. We had not been getting along for sometime due to lots of stressers, kids stuff, money and other issues. So anyway later that afternoon my mother in law comes to pick up my son to bring him to her house so he can watch the game with his dad and all of them. No problem. I send him out when she comes as I do not want to engage in any conversation at this time with anyone about anything going on. So she gets out of the car and he comes out and when he gets in the car she asks him if I sent him out and he says no. Well of course I did.. not sure why he said no but he did. So the day goes and around 4:30 I take my youngest over to a neighbors house to watch the game with them and friends and have a few beers while the kids are all playing and we are yelling and hollering watching the game. I see it is half time and I decide time to go and get my little one in bed for the evening she has school in the morning so we leave and I stop over another house where my oldest daughter is with her boyfriend and mother. I go in say hey have another beer talking about the game and she says my daughter can stay here tonight and I will take her to school in the morning. I was like no she is not and she can come home after the game I will come get her or she can walk it is not far. So I leave and put my youngest to bed crack another beer and put the t.v. on and wait for my Son to come home and my daughter. In the mean time I listen to my messages and hear my daughter telling me how she is going to stay over there and she will come get her stuff. It was left earlier in the evening but I was not in because I was a neighbors house like I had told them. So I am upset about this and when she comes home I confront her with it.. She would of never pulled such a stunt if my husband had been here. We get into an argument and I ask her if her Father knows about it and that I think he has a right to know that your already starting crap. So I call him and come to find out she had already talked with him and asked him. His response to her was you would never ask that if I was home no you go home. Well my daughter ended up leaving on me so I called him back and said we got into a fight and you need to come and get her. I am not doing this. So we hang up and a while later I call him back and he tells me we are on our way. So I say what do you mean WE? He said my mother and I. I was like why is your mother with you? I had a few drinks and she would not let me take the truck.. Ok.. so then next thing I know my Mother in Law is at my door with my daughter. I open the door and she comes in the door way pushes the downtstairs door open and watches my daughter go down the stairs and looks at me and says stay away from her the rest of the night. I look back at her with very much anger and say I have no intentions of going near her. But I will tell you one thing I am not dealing with this crap going on in my house. She was like what Crap and I said this crap with her. So she says well stay away from her the rest of the night or I will call the Police on you. at that I start screaming at her to get the @#@$ out of my house. I take her by her arms and make her leave and shut the door. At this point my son wakes up and is horrified and we lock the door. Next thing I know she is back again I open the door (so stupid I wish I had not) and she starts telling my son to get his little sister that she is not leaving these kids here. So at that I start telling her who the hell do you think you are and I try and grab her again to get her out of the house letting her know she is not taking my children anywhere. Next thing I know my husband comes barrell assing threw the door and attacks me saying dont you ever put your hands on my mother and a physical fight occurs they have me pinned up against the wall and my mother in law is screaming wake your sister and at some point we all end up on the ground I think I grabbed her as he was after me so I thought if I am going down so are you. So now she is yelling call the police call the police as my husband and I are fighting and she is in the middle and then my daughter gets into it with us and it finaly stops and I grab the phone from my son who is crying and all upset and call the police. The cops come and talk with my husband and mother in law who at this point are outside in the driveway telling them I am inside intoxicated.. I call my bestfriend an tell her she may have to bail me out because at this point I dont know what is going to happen. I told the woman on the phone at the police that a fight had escolated and I wanted my husband and mother in law removed from my home. Well this is not what happend. I ended up having to leave and stay at my girlfriends for the night and can come back in the morning as I was the aggressor in the fight. My mother in law got a cut on her head that he said she was not going to press charges as I am looking at the cop going you have got to be kidding me. what about me being attacked. so anyway what happend was I got a 51a filed against me for neglect and abuse because my daughter got a huge cut on her arm that I guess came from me in the middle of brawling with my husband and they both stepped into it.. Believe me I am horrified about this whole thing and wish it never happend but in the momment what choice did I have but to deffend myself. So anyway I have been dealing with this since. My husband and I are back together and I have been dealing with DSS and they know I am far from a neglectful parent or an abuser. WE have had a lot of stress in our life for the past 3-4 years and it just built up and without the support from him I could not take anymore. So my mother in law has never heald it against me we have been fine and I aplogized to her for everything that happend that night I also sent a long heartfelt letter to all of his family members to explain what happend an that I was very sorry there mother/ wife got hurt and that I will not be drinking another alcohloic drink in a long time and I will work on my issues. I never meant for any of what took place that night to happen it just broke loose. It is my sister in law and brother in laws that have not spoken to me once since then. My 40 birthday has come and gone not even a phone call from my godson. Not one phone call here to see how I am dealing or how things are. Nothing. So recently my daughter got confirmed and I decided that if they want to have nothing to do with me then they are not welcome in my home. I did not invite them. I sent an invitation by e-mail to my mother in law letting her know what time and where and that I would be having everyone back at my house after. She decided to take it opon herself to forward it to her daughter and other daughter in law. I was not inviting them back to my home so I e-mailed her and told her that I did not send it to them for a reason and that if they wanted to come to the church that was fine but they would not be welcome in my home after. So because of that my mother in law and father in law did not come back to my home either as she told me it is not fair that they are not welcome. OK!! But it is ok to just treat me like I dont exsist an I am supposed to be ok with this? I dont think so. So I am just wondering what and how to deal with it.. Did I do the right thing? Was I wrong? My husban is behind me and I did explain that this is not how family should be, your supposed to support them not treat them like this. Anyone have any comments or thoughts on how to just move forward. I was not the only one involved that night but am the only one who ever gets treated like this. It is not the first time I have taken the full blame for things..
You have been on my mind since I read your story Monday night. I couldn't wait to get home from work tonight so that I could post this. I understand what you are going through and what you are up against. I would like to share what worked for me, and hopefully it will help you. Read the Bible. It will help you spiritually and make this seem so small! Lessen your contact with her. The less contact you have, the more peace of mind you will have. Don't email her, or call her, or explain yourself to her. You are only giving her ammunition when you do. If she calls, let your husband talk to her. If anything gets started, she will have her son to blame, and that isn't going to happen! If you are in a position that you have to talk to her, show her what you are made of. Show her respect (even if she doesn't deserve it), show her consideration, and show her kindness. Don't let her get you in a heated discussion or an argument. That is what she wants so that she can continue her abuse. Try to live your life without worrying about what she thinks or does. And if she tries to go through other people (mainly family members) to get to you (she probably will), try to react in a calm manner, and say something like "Oh well, if that's what she thinks", or "She's entitled to think whatever she wants to", or something along those lines. It seems from your story that your husband doesn't protect you from his mother. So, you have only you to protect yourself from her. I know this isn't what you had in mind when you got married. She will keep on doing this as long as you keep responding negatively to her. That is just the way she is. You cannot change her, but you can change how you deal with her. It will make you feel stronger and more in control of things. You will have your power back. You will have to rise above this, and not let her drag you down. The more you are in control of you, the more she will up the ante. You have to remember that this has been going on for 17 years. She will fight to keep things as they are. She needs this chaos. And if she starts being nice, watch out. This may be a ploy so that she can reel you back in to where she wants you! Just keep your distance and stay out of it. Even if it's about you. I have seen all the cons, all the manipulations, all the lies, all the vindictiveness, and I would have never have believed one person could be so negative and destructive if I hadn't seen it and lived it. No matter what she does or says, stay strong and respond nicely and off the topic. Smile a lot and laugh when possible!! I have read a couple of books that first opened my eyes to this. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Toxic InLaws by the same author. The reason why I recommend Toxic Parents is because they were toxic parents before they were toxic inlaws, and it gives you an idea of how you husband may have grown up, and why he relates to them the way he does. I have been online reading about the personality disorders, like narcissists, sociopaths, etc. It helped me to learn that these people have no conscience, no empathy, no compassion, yet they expect this from other people. Please read and learn all you can about this. You cannot change what has already happened or been said, but you can do better starting now. I wish I could put down everything I could think of, but there isn't enough space for that! Live well and be happy, and don't let anyone take that away from you! Feel free to respond, and let me know how things are going.
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May 7, 2008, 5:52 am PDT
Quote From: ms_sunhine
You have been on my mind since I read your story Monday night. I couldn't wait to get home from work tonight so that I could post this. I understand what you are going through and what you are up against. I would like to share what worked for me, and hopefully it will help you. Read the Bible. It will help you spiritually and make this seem so small! Lessen your contact with her. The less contact you have, the more peace of mind you will have. Don't email her, or call her, or explain yourself to her. You are only giving her ammunition when you do. If she calls, let your husband talk to her. If anything gets started, she will have her son to blame, and that isn't going to happen! If you are in a position that you have to talk to her, show her what you are made of. Show her respect (even if she doesn't deserve it), show her consideration, and show her kindness. Don't let her get you in a heated discussion or an argument. That is what she wants so that she can continue her abuse. Try to live your life without worrying about what she thinks or does. And if she tries to go through other people (mainly family members) to get to you (she probably will), try to react in a calm manner, and say something like "Oh well, if that's what she thinks", or "She's entitled to think whatever she wants to", or something along those lines. It seems from your story that your husband doesn't protect you from his mother. So, you have only you to protect yourself from her. I know this isn't what you had in mind when you got married. She will keep on doing this as long as you keep responding negatively to her. That is just the way she is. You cannot change her, but you can change how you deal with her. It will make you feel stronger and more in control of things. You will have your power back. You will have to rise above this, and not let her drag you down. The more you are in control of you, the more she will up the ante. You have to remember that this has been going on for 17 years. She will fight to keep things as they are. She needs this chaos. And if she starts being nice, watch out. This may be a ploy so that she can reel you back in to where she wants you! Just keep your distance and stay out of it. Even if it's about you. I have seen all the cons, all the manipulations, all the lies, all the vindictiveness, and I would have never have believed one person could be so negative and destructive if I hadn't seen it and lived it. No matter what she does or says, stay strong and respond nicely and off the topic. Smile a lot and laugh when possible!! I have read a couple of books that first opened my eyes to this. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Toxic InLaws by the same author. The reason why I recommend Toxic Parents is because they were toxic parents before they were toxic inlaws, and it gives you an idea of how you husband may have grown up, and why he relates to them the way he does. I have been online reading about the personality disorders, like narcissists, sociopaths, etc. It helped me to learn that these people have no conscience, no empathy, no compassion, yet they expect this from other people. Please read and learn all you can about this. You cannot change what has already happened or been said, but you can do better starting now. I wish I could put down everything I could think of, but there isn't enough space for that! Live well and be happy, and don't let anyone take that away from you! Feel free to respond, and let me know how things are going.
Hi, Thank You for your support and response. I have waited and waited for someone to respond and then I had not checked in a while so sorry for it taking me so long to get back to you. Well things are the same except now she has stopped e-mailing or asking me how things are with me so I have stopped as well. I am just all set with the games. It seems that is what they do. I just need to get past the anger and have bought a few books about self asteem and anger. I am in the process of reading them now. We will see if it helps. I agree with the responding to her or for the matter anyone else that has anything to do with them. Wich really is only my husband for now. She did call my house for the first time last week for my son and I answered the phone and she was like saying my sons name, I was thinking to myself do I sound like a boy to you? Anyway I said no and said but would you like to talk to him? So I just handed the phone to him as she was just laughing on the phone... I wanted to throw up..... That is how it makes me feel now I just get sick to my stomach everytime I hear anything about them. I am going to continue on with my life and know that I am a good person who does not deserve this kind of treatment from anyone and I will not put up with it anymore. I have always supported all of them in anything that has gone on in there lives and never have judged them but they seem to not be that way so I finaly have got it. I know I have to just move on and try and get past the hurts I have felt threw all of this. I am on my way but It will take time and therapy I think to get threw it all. But thank you so much for your response it has meant a lot to me.. reply when you can and I will check more often now... Thanks Again.. |
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May 7, 2008, 6:33 am PDT
Quote From: doridoridori Hi, Thank You for your support and response. I have waited and waited for someone to respond and then I had not checked in a while so sorry for it taking me so long to get back to you. Well things are the same except now she has stopped e-mailing or asking me how things are with me so I have stopped as well. I am just all set with the games. It seems that is what they do. I just need to get past the anger and have bought a few books about self asteem and anger. I am in the process of reading them now. We will see if it helps. I agree with the responding to her or for the matter anyone else that has anything to do with them. Wich really is only my husband for now. She did call my house for the first time last week for my son and I answered the phone and she was like saying my sons name, I was thinking to myself do I sound like a boy to you? Anyway I said no and said but would you like to talk to him? So I just handed the phone to him as she was just laughing on the phone... I wanted to throw up..... That is how it makes me feel now I just get sick to my stomach everytime I hear anything about them. I am going to continue on with my life and know that I am a good person who does not deserve this kind of treatment from anyone and I will not put up with it anymore. I have always supported all of them in anything that has gone on in there lives and never have judged them but they seem to not be that way so I finaly have got it. I know I have to just move on and try and get past the hurts I have felt threw all of this. I am on my way but It will take time and therapy I think to get threw it all. But thank you so much for your response it has meant a lot to me.. reply when you can and I will check more often now... Thanks Again.. Hi Again, sorry I have so much more to say but got interupted by a phone call so let me say that I have another big thing coming up and I am unsure of what I should do but let me tell you what I have said I am going to do. My daughter is turning 16 and I do not want to have anything at my house so I thought I would just go out to a resteraunt where it is neutral grounds for everyone and that way I would not feel so unconfortable in my own house if the other side comes? I have told my husband that I would like to do it this way. I did not say to him they were invited but do you think that is a good idea? They all did end up coming to the church for my daughters Confirmation after they said they were not even going to do that but my husband told them they would be disrespecting him and my daughter if they did not do that. So they all did show up... I was very nervous but made it threw it. I just walked by them all and went outside while my daughter and husband stopped and talked to them all. It just really hurts me so much to think this is how it is. I just dont get it? Why blame only me for what took place that night? I was not the only one who was involved. I only did what I had to when I was attacked and they all stopped talking to me.? Like I have said it is not the first time I took the fall for things. We had a huge fight a couple years ago and we all did not talk for over a year including my husband and them.. only if they had too.. I told them all off then though. Believe me they deserved it.. they were treating my husband and my children and myself of course horrible over a fight that took place between my brother in law and my husband wich started out between us and my brother in laws girlfriend at the time. It got so blown out it was rediculous.. It took me a very long time to get over that one and to be honest I have never really gotten over it, but did it for my husband but now this and I just can not do it anymore. .. This is what I get I guess. They are so small minded and to boot they dont even know what took place apperently? Meaning my brother in laws and sister in law.. they were not here when it all went down. I guess I am just hurt because I wrote them a huge letter apologizing for what took place and that I was so very sorry and never got a response from anyone of them and not even a call to say how are you doing is there anything we can do to help? Nothing and that just is not right to me.. Wouldnt you think that you would reach out to a family memeber going threw all this.. I told them that things had been so bad here for so long it just was aweful and the stress of everything we had gone threw was just taking over my life and I could not deal with it all anymore and everthing just blew up over time and they just shut me out.. What is that? We have had a lot to deal with over the last couple of years and they know this and they still choose to not understand? I understand there mother got hurt that night but so did I so did my daughter so did my husband but I got the blunt of it and took the fall I could of had my husband arrested if I really wanted to that night. He attacked me. I only did what I had too. Yes I put my hands on his mother but that was to get her out of my house.. not to hurt her. I dont know? I just have so many Whys? Anyway get back when you can and I will talk soon.. |
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May 8, 2008, 12:47 am PDT
Quote From: doridoridori Hi Again, sorry I have so much more to say but got interupted by a phone call so let me say that I have another big thing coming up and I am unsure of what I should do but let me tell you what I have said I am going to do. My daughter is turning 16 and I do not want to have anything at my house so I thought I would just go out to a resteraunt where it is neutral grounds for everyone and that way I would not feel so unconfortable in my own house if the other side comes? I have told my husband that I would like to do it this way. I did not say to him they were invited but do you think that is a good idea? They all did end up coming to the church for my daughters Confirmation after they said they were not even going to do that but my husband told them they would be disrespecting him and my daughter if they did not do that. So they all did show up... I was very nervous but made it threw it. I just walked by them all and went outside while my daughter and husband stopped and talked to them all. It just really hurts me so much to think this is how it is. I just dont get it? Why blame only me for what took place that night? I was not the only one who was involved. I only did what I had to when I was attacked and they all stopped talking to me.? Like I have said it is not the first time I took the fall for things. We had a huge fight a couple years ago and we all did not talk for over a year including my husband and them.. only if they had too.. I told them all off then though. Believe me they deserved it.. they were treating my husband and my children and myself of course horrible over a fight that took place between my brother in law and my husband wich started out between us and my brother in laws girlfriend at the time. It got so blown out it was rediculous.. It took me a very long time to get over that one and to be honest I have never really gotten over it, but did it for my husband but now this and I just can not do it anymore. .. This is what I get I guess. They are so small minded and to boot they dont even know what took place apperently? Meaning my brother in laws and sister in law.. they were not here when it all went down. I guess I am just hurt because I wrote them a huge letter apologizing for what took place and that I was so very sorry and never got a response from anyone of them and not even a call to say how are you doing is there anything we can do to help? Nothing and that just is not right to me.. Wouldnt you think that you would reach out to a family memeber going threw all this.. I told them that things had been so bad here for so long it just was aweful and the stress of everything we had gone threw was just taking over my life and I could not deal with it all anymore and everthing just blew up over time and they just shut me out.. What is that? We have had a lot to deal with over the last couple of years and they know this and they still choose to not understand? I understand there mother got hurt that night but so did I so did my daughter so did my husband but I got the blunt of it and took the fall I could of had my husband arrested if I really wanted to that night. He attacked me. I only did what I had too. Yes I put my hands on his mother but that was to get her out of my house.. not to hurt her. I dont know? I just have so many Whys? Anyway get back when you can and I will talk soon..
Hi,
I was so glad to hear from you. I have been wondering how all this is affecting you. You are doing great realizing that you don't deserve this, because you don't. You deserve better, and from now on, expect better. May I make a suggestion? When you have to see them, do acknowlege them. A simple "Hello. How are you?" with a smile goes a long way. When you were at the church, and walked out while your husband and daughter talked to them doesn't really hurt them as much as it hurts you. They get what they want by your absence and you should stand with your husband when he's talking to them. He should have made sure you stood beside him, as that signifies a united front. That shows them that no matter what they say or do, it will not come between you and your husband. I understand about the anger and frustration. I still get angry at things here and there, but I don't show it. I find something else to take my mind off of it, and then, after a while, I'm ok, and I know that I did the right thing for me. Because, I am determined not to live my life like that and not let them or anybody else bring me down. As far as the party at the restaurant goes, I think that is a lovely idea. Invite them and be nice. If they try to engage you in a heated discussion, excuse yourself to the restroom, come back and start on a different subject. Or, "I'm sorry. I'd rather not talk about that right now." Or, "You're asking (or telling) me this, why?", which puts the ball in their court. The less you tell them how you feel, or talk to them about personal issues, the better off you will be. These people will only use it against you. Just enjoy yourself and laugh a lot. Laughter is truly good medicine!! It is good for the soul, and it spreads! And you will feel triumphant that you did not give in to their chirades. And you will feel stronger each time you don't respond negatively to them. I tried everything with my MIL to stop this outrageous behavior. It hasn't stopped and will never stop. And please believe me when I tell you it has nothing to do with you. It is very possible that your husband is "the baby" of the family or her favorite. She feels threatened by you, and will be in competition with you for her son's attention. She has created this emotional dependence on her probably all his life, and that is why she can do no wrong. The very best scenario is that your husband and you have a talk with his parents, and lay down some boundaries. No yelling, no discussing, just "This is the way it will be". If they can't respect this, then they will lose contact with him and his family. I know this is hard for you, because you want answers that you won't get from them. You want to know why. You want to know why you? You want to know what have I done to them? You have all this anger and frustration built up inside of you. Reading and learning helps a lot, as it gives some reason to their insanity. It helps you understand and find answers to the questions that haunt you. I hope that you find some peace of mind, and make that your goal. Peace of mind. I hope some of this helps you see things in a different light. Don't get so caught up in their world that you lose yourself. Stand tall and smile. Write back when you can. |
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May 8, 2008, 8:15 am PDT
Quote From: ms_sunhine
Hi,
I was so glad to hear from you. I have been wondering how all this is affecting you. You are doing great realizing that you don't deserve this, because you don't. You deserve better, and from now on, expect better. May I make a suggestion? When you have to see them, do acknowlege them. A simple "Hello. How are you?" with a smile goes a long way. When you were at the church, and walked out while your husband and daughter talked to them doesn't really hurt them as much as it hurts you. They get what they want by your absence and you should stand with your husband when he's talking to them. He should have made sure you stood beside him, as that signifies a united front. That shows them that no matter what they say or do, it will not come between you and your husband. I understand about the anger and frustration. I still get angry at things here and there, but I don't show it. I find something else to take my mind off of it, and then, after a while, I'm ok, and I know that I did the right thing for me. Because, I am determined not to live my life like that and not let them or anybody else bring me down. As far as the party at the restaurant goes, I think that is a lovely idea. Invite them and be nice. If they try to engage you in a heated discussion, excuse yourself to the restroom, come back and start on a different subject. Or, "I'm sorry. I'd rather not talk about that right now." Or, "You're asking (or telling) me this, why?", which puts the ball in their court. The less you tell them how you feel, or talk to them about personal issues, the better off you will be. These people will only use it against you. Just enjoy yourself and laugh a lot. Laughter is truly good medicine!! It is good for the soul, and it spreads! And you will feel triumphant that you did not give in to their chirades. And you will feel stronger each time you don't respond negatively to them. I tried everything with my MIL to stop this outrageous behavior. It hasn't stopped and will never stop. And please believe me when I tell you it has nothing to do with you. It is very possible that your husband is "the baby" of the family or her favorite. She feels threatened by you, and will be in competition with you for her son's attention. She has created this emotional dependence on her probably all his life, and that is why she can do no wrong. The very best scenario is that your husband and you have a talk with his parents, and lay down some boundaries. No yelling, no discussing, just "This is the way it will be". If they can't respect this, then they will lose contact with him and his family. I know this is hard for you, because you want answers that you won't get from them. You want to know why. You want to know why you? You want to know what have I done to them? You have all this anger and frustration built up inside of you. Reading and learning helps a lot, as it gives some reason to their insanity. It helps you understand and find answers to the questions that haunt you. I hope that you find some peace of mind, and make that your goal. Peace of mind. I hope some of this helps you see things in a different light. Don't get so caught up in their world that you lose yourself. Stand tall and smile. Write back when you can. Hi, Thank You for responding and It helps me so much to know I can have someone elses oppinion from an outside look at things and someone who does not know any of us .. I do agree about the standing with him but I guess I am not there yet. My husband has no clue how to handle any of them. Especially his Mother. He would of never said come with me or stand with me. I just get so sick to my stomach and so angry that I want to punch there lights out. They just make me sick. There fake and a disfunctional group of beings. They stand with there heads high thinking they have a right to Judge me when they all need to look in a mirror at themselves to see what is staring back at them. I am very angry and I know it is only hurting me and I guess that is what hurts the most. They all could care less and it is me who hurts and has been hurt so deeply, even though my mother in law has told us that she is put in the middle where she always seems to be and she is the one that gets hurt the most over it all. I just want to scream.. her get hurt the most are you kidding me? Believe me I am not saying she has not been hurt in this whole thing but to state she has been put in the middle where she always seems to be and she gets hurt the most.. No one can be as hurt as I have been over all of this. She chooses to not come back to our house because she has been put in the middle again.. I never put her there she did along with my husband. She should of stayed out of it and minded her own business to begin with. Believe me I am trying to get threw it but it is very hard to let go or get over the anger I feel. My mom and i had a conversation yesterday and I got upset with what she was saying but I know it to be the right thing I just dont even feel they are worth one second of my time for how they all have made me to feel threw all of this. What kind of family is that? I know it is because I am not one of them I am not there blood so they dont except me. I am the unimportant one.. Just a nobody to them, someone they have had to deal with buy marriage and nothing else. Something screwy like that. His mother sits and tells him o your brothers and sister love you so very much they just need time.. Time!! they need time. Time for what? They have not lived in my shoes they dont even know the truth of what happend is what I am getting out of it all? From my husband anyway. My daughter was so upset when she found out they were not coming and then I had to tell her why and she was even more mad and confronted my husband and stated to him I am pritty sure we were all involved that night why just take it all out on mom everytime.. his answer well im not defending them but they really dont know what happened... My answer then it was up to two people to tell them.. and he said and who would that be?? I said you or your mother. I did my part and went over and above sending all of them an apology for upsetting the dam family in that fight that took place and tried to explain in little detail of what had been going on over here. I did not have to do that. I did it and got nothing in return except silence. That is fine.. they can all go screw themselves now. I am just to hurt and angry and I feel everday that goes by is just another day my heart grows colder.. I have a lot to deal with and get threw with this and somedays are harder than other but I will work threw it.. My husband is the type of person who if he does not talk about it is not there. We dont talk about it at all. I dont blame him though because I probably am not so nice about it.. I will work threw it and I am trying. So anyway.. you can see I am still so very angry about it but please understand I am working on it. I am thinking the Resteraunt thing is a good idea too I just need to be able to handle it the right way with a big fake smile and hello's to all.. Puke Puke!!! Sorry.. it must be one of my bad days.. well write again soon if you can or want. I will be ok and I will get threw it. I just have to get over my hurt and not let it ruin me. |
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May 9, 2008, 11:27 am PDT
Quote From: doridoridori Hi, Thank You for responding and It helps me so much to know I can have someone elses oppinion from an outside look at things and someone who does not know any of us .. I do agree about the standing with him but I guess I am not there yet. My husband has no clue how to handle any of them. Especially his Mother. He would of never said come with me or stand with me. I just get so sick to my stomach and so angry that I want to punch there lights out. They just make me sick. There fake and a disfunctional group of beings. They stand with there heads high thinking they have a right to Judge me when they all need to look in a mirror at themselves to see what is staring back at them. I am very angry and I know it is only hurting me and I guess that is what hurts the most. They all could care less and it is me who hurts and has been hurt so deeply, even though my mother in law has told us that she is put in the middle where she always seems to be and she is the one that gets hurt the most over it all. I just want to scream.. her get hurt the most are you kidding me? Believe me I am not saying she has not been hurt in this whole thing but to state she has been put in the middle where she always seems to be and she gets hurt the most.. No one can be as hurt as I have been over all of this. She chooses to not come back to our house because she has been put in the middle again.. I never put her there she did along with my husband. She should of stayed out of it and minded her own business to begin with. Believe me I am trying to get threw it but it is very hard to let go or get over the anger I feel. My mom and i had a conversation yesterday and I got upset with what she was saying but I know it to be the right thing I just dont even feel they are worth one second of my time for how they all have made me to feel threw all of this. What kind of family is that? I know it is because I am not one of them I am not there blood so they dont except me. I am the unimportant one.. Just a nobody to them, someone they have had to deal with buy marriage and nothing else. Something screwy like that. His mother sits and tells him o your brothers and sister love you so very much they just need time.. Time!! they need time. Time for what? They have not lived in my shoes they dont even know the truth of what happend is what I am getting out of it all? From my husband anyway. My daughter was so upset when she found out they were not coming and then I had to tell her why and she was even more mad and confronted my husband and stated to him I am pritty sure we were all involved that night why just take it all out on mom everytime.. his answer well im not defending them but they really dont know what happened... My answer then it was up to two people to tell them.. and he said and who would that be?? I said you or your mother. I did my part and went over and above sending all of them an apology for upsetting the dam family in that fight that took place and tried to explain in little detail of what had been going on over here. I did not have to do that. I did it and got nothing in return except silence. That is fine.. they can all go screw themselves now. I am just to hurt and angry and I feel everday that goes by is just another day my heart grows colder.. I have a lot to deal with and get threw with this and somedays are harder than other but I will work threw it.. My husband is the type of person who if he does not talk about it is not there. We dont talk about it at all. I dont blame him though because I probably am not so nice about it.. I will work threw it and I am trying. So anyway.. you can see I am still so very angry about it but please understand I am working on it. I am thinking the Resteraunt thing is a good idea too I just need to be able to handle it the right way with a big fake smile and hello's to all.. Puke Puke!!! Sorry.. it must be one of my bad days.. well write again soon if you can or want. I will be ok and I will get threw it. I just have to get over my hurt and not let it ruin me.
Hi, It's good for you to get some of that anger out. I have been through it, and know exactly what you are going through. I still get angry sometimes, mostly at the absurdity of it all. I just deal with it in a different way than I use to. You will get there, though. You already know how petty and narrow-minded these people are. If you are not blood family, you are an outsider. It's like a cult. If you don't think like they think, or believe what they believe, you are an outsider, therefore the enemy. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I keep my distance, especially emotionally. When I see the family, I am always respectful and courteous, and that's about it. I just be myself, and they can't stand it. His mother, especially. When I receive gifts from my husband, it's like she's suppose to get gifts. When we get something big for the house, she's suppose to get that too. I have never seen anything like this in my life. She's jealous and in competition with me, and how are you suppose to deal with that coming from a MIL? Understanding what she's about, and going about my own life was the answer!! I wish things could be different, and I have tried to make them different, but this is just the way she behaves. When something comes up, just don't respond in a negative way. It is intended for you to behave negatively, so that they can trash you. Don't give them that. Try to be positive and uplifting in the face of adversity, and you will feel tremendous power over them. It's almost like the devil tempting you. Don't fall for it. Do you have friends that you can talk to and do things with? Start getting out a little more and do something nice for you. I know it's easy to get caught up in their pettiness, but don't give in! Try to get out of their small world, and see the big world that's out there. It's great to hear from you again. Hope all goes well and keep up the good work! Till next time.
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May 9, 2008, 7:45 pm PDT
Quote From: ms_sunhine
Hi, It's good for you to get some of that anger out. I have been through it, and know exactly what you are going through. I still get angry sometimes, mostly at the absurdity of it all. I just deal with it in a different way than I use to. You will get there, though. You already know how petty and narrow-minded these people are. If you are not blood family, you are an outsider. It's like a cult. If you don't think like they think, or believe what they believe, you are an outsider, therefore the enemy. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I keep my distance, especially emotionally. When I see the family, I am always respectful and courteous, and that's about it. I just be myself, and they can't stand it. His mother, especially. When I receive gifts from my husband, it's like she's suppose to get gifts. When we get something big for the house, she's suppose to get that too. I have never seen anything like this in my life. She's jealous and in competition with me, and how are you suppose to deal with that coming from a MIL? Understanding what she's about, and going about my own life was the answer!! I wish things could be different, and I have tried to make them different, but this is just the way she behaves. When something comes up, just don't respond in a negative way. It is intended for you to behave negatively, so that they can trash you. Don't give them that. Try to be positive and uplifting in the face of adversity, and you will feel tremendous power over them. It's almost like the devil tempting you. Don't fall for it. Do you have friends that you can talk to and do things with? Start getting out a little more and do something nice for you. I know it's easy to get caught up in their pettiness, but don't give in! Try to get out of their small world, and see the big world that's out there. It's great to hear from you again. Hope all goes well and keep up the good work! Till next time.
Thanks, I do have a friend I can talk to but she just says why even bother letting it get to you you have all of us you dont need them, She hates them bad!!! I know that is true and I wish I could just move on an get over it because I know they would love nothing less of splitting us up. Has not worked yet and I hope I dont let it. I work a lot at night but I just put in my 2 week notice and now I dont have a clue what I will do but I will find something. I hope.. I just feel so unappreciated everywhere.. I dont know? Well I thank you so much for talking and I will get threw this I just need to do it sooner than later. We wil see how the whole birthday thing goes next weekend if they all go? It's funny cause after I wrote you an said she has stopped e-mailing me she did. She was asking me how things were going but her main purpose was to find out when my daughter was going to cash her check so I e-mailed her back and just wrote things here are fine and I am cashing the check for her today so you can balance your checkbook now. Short and to the point just like she was doing to me.. Never asking me back how I was when I was trying and then she decided she was going to do what the rest of them have been doing. Just stop talking to me. Thank God I know what type of people they are it should be easier to get over it this time.. I just need to get over the anger and aggravation of not understanding people like that. That is what kicks my butt.. Just not getting them. I am so not that way.. I would never treat anyone so cruel as they have done to me in such a time of need. My life was such in a bad way with everything that I have been going threw you have no idea and for them to just be this way hurts. But I will get threw it and try real hard to put the smile on and act the part and then run into the bathroom and throw up....LOL!!!! Well I have to hit the sack I have to work again tomorrow morning early so I will check again soon.. Happy Mothers Day if I dont talk to you before then again.. Thanks Again So So Much... |
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