Topic : Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Hi everybody,

This is my first posting here and I'm looking for advice.  I have one son and he is married and has two young children, ages 3 and 20 months.  They have been married almost 4 years.  My husband passed away on 8-4-07 and this has been a year from hell for me.  With the one year anniversary coming up, I'm a little over emotional right now and the problems with my DIL aren't helping any.  My son and his family live in the same town as me yet I have only seen my grandchildren on 4 different occasions this year, each time for less than 1 hour.  I am not allowed to go to their house (my son says they don't want to have to clean up for me).  My son works a hectic and varied work schedule that often includes nights so sometimes he goes long periods of time without spending much time with his own family.  That complicates things, too. 

 

Without going into a terribly long history, my DIL is mad at me because I told my son that I was upset when I walked into my husband's hospice room in the week before he died and she was sitting with her arm around his neck stroking his hair.  It bothered me.  She never bothered to tell him she loved him until he was dying and then she becomes the ever-caring DIL.  My husband and I were happily married for 27 years and NO woman was allowed to stroke his hair regardless of his condition!  My DIL and I had a confrontational phone call this past June and she brought this up and told me that I had no right to feel that way.  She said "He was dying and I was comforting him.  At least I was there."  (Implying that I wasn't.)  I would never have told her about this and I'm sorry I told my son.  I should have known better.

 

She also says that I blame her for never getting to see the children.  She admitted on the phone that she won't bring them to me by herself because she feels uncomfortable around me.  I told her it's my son's fault as well but apparently that doesn't satisfy her.  During that horrible phone call, I apologized to her for ever hurting her feelings and begged for her forgiveness 7 times.  I said we needed to move forward and put this all behind us and work towards being a happy family.  As Dr. Phil says, I was trying to be the hero and stand up and accept responsibility.  She never accepted my apology or gave me forgiveness.  She ended the conversation by telling me "to go to hell" and hanging up on me.

 

There's more but I won't go into anything else.  I honestly think she enjoys having the upper hand in this.  I think she enjoyed having me "beg" her forgiveness and not giving it.  She hasn't spoken to me since.  Not even at the granddaughter's birthday party this past weekend.  My son says she doesn't want to see or speak to me.  Which also means, I don't get to see the children.  That's the power she has.  She has the power to keep the kids away from me because my son is often working weekends and evenings.

 

I am at a loss to figure out how to solve this. I love my grandchildren and it hurts me that I can't see them.  It hurts that she hates me so much and I honestly don't know what I've done to make her so mad...if I've done anything at all.

 

Any ideas?

Our son and daughter-in-law will soon be coming to visit.  A little background...they were married two years ago.  Our daughter-in-law is a very controlling individual and would prefer our son to be an orphan.  Unfortunately for her, he has a very loving and involved family.  Our son has been in the army for 5 years and will be completing his contract next year.  He returned from Afghanistan in May and to surprise him, we sent him his classic car, which we had stored for him for the past 5 years, by transport.  Instead of being appreciative, he called and complained/yelled at us that we had not sent the title with the car so that his wife could have all the transfer arrangements made before he got home.  The car was titled to us.  We intended to send the title once the car arrived safely.  This conversation took place the 2nd night back from Afghanistan.  Then, he proceeded to yell at us for not calling his wife enough while he was gone.  Never mind that she had not called us once to report on him or that we had called her, sent emails, cards, packages, etc...What would possess a wife to bring those items to the forefront on your second night back.  We had planned to be there to greet him but she never called to say when he was arriving and we are several states away.  This has been an ongoing battle since they met.  We do not complain about her behavior and have never brought up any of her behaviors.  We greet her with open arms.  In fact, before he left, she sent us an email saying we were the best in-laws in the world, yet when he is gone, she does not call, does not take our calls, does not write, and finds something to complain about when he returns.  We try to call about every 2 weeks when he is home but they do not take our calls but he will return the call when he is away from her and the house.  When they were married 2 years ago, we had had a situation which created tension at the wedding.  We smiled and tried to be everything he wanted us to be, and have never referred back to the situation, but he constantly says, "you ruined my wedding", while we were the ones not invited to be in any wedding pictures and we were the ones that were not included in before wedding activities.  His grandmother got so mad that she "let him have it" at the airport prior to our departure and he has not called her since.  We have asked to visit but they always have excuses.  We have invited them home.  Last summer, they were here just before his deployment and he had such a great time, he left me a note in the sheets like he used to before he was married.  He is scheduled to re-deploy in Feb. and they have agreed to come home next month.  If fact, he asked us to drive 2 hours to pick them up at the airport, which he knows we would go to the ends of the earth for him.  We are not sure what to do about the situation while they are here but we are tired of hearing the criticism.  She is going to run out of things to complain about because we have less and less communication with him.  She is grasping at straws.  When ever he brings it up, we tell him that life is too short to dwell on the past.   After they were married, she informed me that I was the "know-it-all of the north" and that my son would constantly say, "my mom says this, my mom does it this way..." unbeknown to me so I know she is jealous of the relationship we have with our son.  We never in our wildest dreams would have imagined this happening to our relationship as were were VERY close and had a very respectful relation ship with both of our sons.  We want to be a part of our son's life.  We didn't think that marriage meant either/or.  We have wonderful relationships with my parents as well as my husbands parents.  He had role models.  We don't think he is happy but is trying ti keep the peace at home.  What would possess a wife to bring up these things after he husband has just returned from overseas.  We suspect some of his behavior could be related to his experiences overseas.  What do we do? 

It is understandable that you where shocked and hurt when you walked into your husband’s room to find your DIL stroking his hair; but, you say that she never told him that she loved/cared for him before that; but did that really matter in that moment? He wasn’t well, he needed and deserved comfort. If your DIL did nothing, that would have been the wrong thing to do, also; so it sounds like she couldn’t win in your eyes no matter what she did. She is probably very hurt that you were offended by her actions. In her eyes, she was simply comforting a sick person. The ‘thanks’ she gets is you being mad about it, instead of glad that someone was there. So when she said that at least she was there, you have to try to not take it personally and think this, isn’t it good that someone was there?  Her comforting actions are nothing to be jealous about. She wasn’t trying to take him from you.
My advice for you regarding your DIL probably won’t be easy for you to follow, but it might make a huge difference in your life. I know because my Mil and I have had some very rough times in the past, and now we get along great- better then I ever thought we could, all because she apologized and I knew that she meant it. My advice for you is this: write a short letter addressed only to your DIL. Make it short and to the point- words on paper seem to have more meaning then over the phone. All you need to say is something like this, “I’m sorry for my actions/words towards you over this past year. It has been a difficult year for me and I hope that you can forgive me. I truly love you, my son and your precious children. I want you to know that I appreciate that you are a good wife and mother to them. Can we please put the past behind us and start over, creating a healthy, happy relationship? That would mean the world to me.” Using the word “appreciate” somewhere in the letter will make a huge difference. We all want to hear that we are appreciated. I wish you the best.

My first husband's mother thought  she was a witch and could cast spells. His father was mellow but ridgid individual who just dealt with whatever came along. I have seen many "guilt trips" put on people and here is how you deal with it. In the case of the financial help for education. It is a gift (unless they said it was a loan). Write them a thank you note. Explain that you will be visiting both families equally because you love them both. Then if they pull out the "guilt trip," rephrase the statement. So, are you saying that because you are helping John/Jane with tuition that we owe you ALL of our time? (Wait for an answer). Then say, we appreciate your help, but we love you all both regardless of the financial contribution. Our visits are about love and respect. A true gift does not imply obligation.

My father's mother, the dowager, wanted us for dinner EVERY Sunday. My mother cut the trips to everyother Sunday so that our family had it's own independence and traditions. Some people are master's of the guilt trip. My husband and I are on the same frequency. My mother (89) lives with us. I will not let her make his life miserable or talk him into doing things that are unreasonable. Even at 89 she has some chores here and some things to do. Sometimes she does the guilt trip on me, but she taught me too well!

Be polite, be firm, be calm assertive. Then make your plans. (the person to set the limits with your in-laws should be your spouse.)

     Hello,

I am wondering if there has ever been a show on NPD. My family is having a terrible time because one in law has this and has tried their best to rip the family apart. This person is highly manipulative, has attacked each family member for one thing or another and then lies to the others about it, is jealous of all the other kids (all full grown 40-50 yr old adults now)  as if one of the actual kids instead of an in-law, throws fits, compulsively lies and then blames everyone else in the family for all the problems they cause, people getting angry, etc.  The behavior I am talking about is absolutely outrageous behavior. No respect for our elderly parents to the point of what looks like verbal elder abuse. Anyone out there have this kind of thing going on??

After reading your letter, I think I may know what is happening. Is it possible that the DIL has low self-esteem and comments from her husband like (hypothetical), " this spaghetti isn't the way Mom makes it," "Mom kept a cleaner house than you do."  Perhaps it is not you, but your son who may be the problem. The daughter-in-law may resent competing with you even if it is only through your son. Also the stress of separation can be pretty intense. Perhaps offer to keep the kids for a week to let her get a break and some good rest. It is hard to know the whole thing, but your son may not realize wives need positive feedback for the difficult job they have. Find ways to compliment her on what she does, wears, cooks or whatever. Calm assertive, friendly, think before you speak. Also, wives who manage alone while husband is away become more independent, which returning husbands sometimes resent creating strife.

Good luck! M.

My fiancé and I are getting married October 2008. We have been together for 2 years and I continue to have issues with his parents. From the beginning things were fine and when others in the family met me I was told how much his mom adored me. After going to his parent’s house a few times I realized they still had a picture up of him and his xwife kissing on their wedding day. I didn’t say anything for the first few months because we were new. It was still weird that the picture was still up since it had been about 5 years since they had been together and at that his parents did like her. My finance told me that when he asked them to take it down after they divorced…they told him no. One day I asked my fiancé’s dad about it and he just took it as a joke. Finally, my fiancé asked them to take it down because it was disrespectful to our relationship and the grandmother took hers down but the parents said it was for my fiancé’s son that he has in his previous marriage.

 

Then came our engagement. My fiancé called his parents and told them. No one asked to speak to me. No one said congratulations. The next time I saw them.. (A few days later) they still didn’t congratulate us or even mention it. We threw our own engagement party and we still didn’t get congratulations… no card.. and they still hadn’t seen my ring. Not to mention I got critized for how I set the food out. My finance then told his mom we could have used some help. So my sister decided to put his mom on the spot and ask her what she thought of my ring. My fiancé spoke up and said she hasn’t seen it yet..Before she stopped to look at it she said I hope you got it from QVC. I told her it wasn’t (that is where hers is from) and she looked at it and said that it was nice… Let me add that this woman has called me by the x-wife’s name 3 or 4 times even after we had been together for a whole year. Did she do this on purpose? I think so. Our names are no where near the same sound and they hadn’t been together for almost 5 years! So since then with all the wedding planning his parents have not been involved. I don’t even know if they know the date! The only thing she has asked me when I asked her what color she wanted to wear to coordinate with my mom was…so you guys are still going through with it? I said yes why? She thought we would wait til he had a better job. Better job? He makes good money… the only thing was he wanted to work for a different company because he was on call and working too much. She then said well maybe we will get together and go look at dresses for her. I told her I would like that. I still stand there with open arms and still I feel rejected. She doesn’t even know what my dress looks like or the time of the wedding. My fiancé told me when he got married the first time he was 20 and she was 17. They were all about that wedding though. So much into they pressured him to get married. How could they be ok for that at such a young age but not happy for us? His mom has told me before I am doing a great job. I feel like to them I am only here to keep my fiancé on track and doing good. Before me he was a mess. And they know that. Is that why she can’t approve of me. She couldn’t get him to be successful..but I came along and he has completely turned around? We don’t use any of their money nor need their help. I just don’t understand what it is? I am starting to believe the picture will not come down unless my fiancé removes it. This last time he mentioned it they moved it to another room….and they still continue to say it is up for their grandson. They are just giving him false hope. Why does that need to be up for him? His mom and dad are not going to get back together. I have tried to make this woman my family…from mother’s day to birthdays I have taken photos of my fiancé and his son and put them in nice picture frames and made sure she received gifts from us but yet I am still not accepted. What should I do? I thought of waiting til after the wedding but I don’t think I can hold out. He needs to address all of it before I loose my cool on it and say something to them about everything myself. But whose to say it will do any good? He has asked time and time again and they still feel the need to leave it up.

Ha, now that your MILknows it irritates you, she's sure to leave that picture up!  LOL

There is little you can do about your future MILs behavior.  Over time, know what to expect from her; be proactive about it (you'll learn the situtions where she'll be at her worst)  to limit her impact.  Control your own reactions to it.  This has been going on long before you came along, I assure you.  Your husband could try to change the dynamics by changing the way her interacts w/ her, but I hold out little hope for this as most spouses just aren't up for that task. Sorry to be pessimistic about that.  I think ultimately, stay firm, grounded, non-reactive.  Keep a professional tone, for lack of better description.  Don't give her any ammunition nor satisfaction. 

And maybe lessen your expectations of her so you're not disappointed over & over again.  As far as her being excited about your wedding party, it IS a little different when it's the second marriage (I assume it's first marriage for you)...people really don't get as excited, they've been there/done that first wedding for the person and watched first marriage end in divorce.  So try not to take that part personally.  I know.... it's a celebration of YOUR union w/ him...but on a practical level it is different after one wedding already.

Sorry you're facing this.  Best wishes to you and enjoy your upcoming wedding / marriage! 

There is one thing that I learned a long time ago when it comes to dealing with in-laws, and it is this: pick your battles. It is understandable that this picture irritates you, however, you can’t allow this picture to create so much bad blood between you and the future in-laws. Your fiance has done his best to correct the situation, and that is all that he can do. I agree that their reasoning for why the picture is up doesn’t make sense; there MUST be another reason. The only thing that I can think of is that your future MIL (or FIL, or both of them) are being passive-aggressive. They know that the one thing you’d love more then anything is for that picture to be removed, so they don’t do it. It gives them a feeling of control over you, although it is only a small feeling of power/control, they enjoy it. And it works. My advice to you is this: pretend it isn’t there. Don’t say a word about it. It  might take years, but the picture will go away. When they realize that you aren’t reacting to it anymore, they’ll get tired of it and it will go away.
Regarding the wedding- it is possible that your future in-laws were overjoyed about their son’s first wedding that ended in divorce. Maybe they feel like they don’t have it in them to become that happy again, just to see it end in divorce? They might not want to set themselves up for failure. The only thing that you can do is to prove them wrong. It will take time, but the day will come that you do prove them wrong.
Above all, the best thing that you can do for yourself is to not give them so much power over you. When you wonder, worry and wish about things that they think or say, you are giving them power over you. It isn’t possible to have everyone like you, but I know it does feel good to have people like you. You know that old saying, you can’t make everyone happy all of the time. Be good to yourself, your wedding is coming up- enjoy it!

My son-in-law is an abusive jerk. I have heard him call my daughter the most vile names, and she finally admitted he hits her. I can't figure out why she ever put up with it, because her dad was never abusive toward me like this. She knows that she doesn't deserve to be treated like this.  Right now they are separated, but she has left him at least three times and always goes back.  They have a 19 month old son and I don't want him to be raised like this. I just wish I could make her see that he's not ever going to change. I think that she really deep down knows it but she keeps hoping, cause they are so young and she loves him. I just wish I knew what to do or say to help. It seems everything I say or do is always wrong.