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Topic : 11/22 Saboteurs

Number of Replies: 988
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Created on : Friday, September 07, 2007, 03:36:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 9/14/07) Do you know someone who smiles to your face, but schemes and maneuvers behind your back? Dr. Phil takes on saboteurs –-people who undermine others for their own personal gain. First up, Linda claims her daughter-in-law, Deanna, is a master manipulator. Linda says Deanna is so set on keeping her son and grandchildren away that she has allegedly bruised, scratched, pushed and verbally attacked her. Deanna says Linda is causing the vicious divide, and that it’s high time her mother-in-law stop playing the victim. Will the women ever stop pointing fingers at each other? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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September 14, 2007, 5:59 am CDT

Why do I comment early on?

Quote From: mariozlady23

how can anyone be commenting on this show when it doesnt air until Sept 14?? today is only the 12th!
I read the small bit of intro and form an opinion. I am just bursting at the seams with opinions and this is the only place where I have actually been invited to give my opinion or advice. It's kind of a form of therapy probably. DrP could probably do a show on why so many people come to these messageboards. Personally I will come here and say what I think, but I would never be willing to go on the show for any reason. When it comes to going on the show, there are the "wills" and the "willnots". I am a "willnot" I like to think that I do not say anything here that I would not say to DrP's or anyone else's face. We'll never know,will we?
 
September 14, 2007, 6:49 am CDT

what?

What exactly did Linda do? It wasn't clear in the transcript of the show on-line. It seems to me that Linda is going through a difficult time emotionally after a divorce and she turned to her son (yes, I said SON!) and his family for love and affection. It is outrageous that the son was not there to help work through these family issues. He is leaving it to the wife who clearly has her own agenda. I feel very badly for Linda, there is very little she can do except to dig really deep to make a life for herself and to be happy in her own right. I recommend that she find a way to show her grandchildren that she loves them through cards and small gifts and remembrances (she might be accused of trying to buy their affections if she showers them with expensive gifts). The kids will feel her love and will always remember). A similar thing happened in my family 23 years ago. Every problem that my brother and sister in law had was the fault of my dad, or my mother or me or my former sister in law or someone other than themselves. They eventually cut everyone out. They called us "You people".  Well, a few years ago, my sister in law left my brother for another man and left the kids behind too. Suddenly my brother is reconnecting with the family. The children are nearly grown and are beginning to talk. They have wonderful memories of the packages my mom sent (she now has Alzheimers) and express that they wished they had lived closer all along. Hang in there, Linda....be yourself, heal from your hurts and be there for your grandchildren. They are going to need you. 
 
September 14, 2007, 6:56 am CDT

message for Deanna

Deanna, both my husband and I can speak on behalf of your children.

 

My grandmother made my mother's life very difficult.  My mom was accused of stealing, being a bad mother, and more.  To improve their life, my parents moved an hour away from my grandparents.  With all this happening, my mom made sure that my dad and us kids visited frequently.  My grandmother and I had a very special bond.  When I grew up and realized the sacrifice my mom made on our behalf, I really came to admire her strength.  As hurt as my mom felt, she would not allow the family to fall apart.

 

On the other hand, my husband's story is the opposite.  His mom left her home at 16 and never looked back.  Even though his grandparents lived 5 minutes away from his home, my husband never met them!  His mother was approached many times by her mother-in-law about considering reconciliation for her children's sake.  However, she would not hear of it.  Now both of his grandparents are dead and gone.  So goes a part of his history. 

 

My grandmother past away just this past spring.  Yes she had her faults.  But I am so grateful to have had her in my life.  She gave me wonderful stories, traditions and memories, things I can pass along to the next generations in our famiy.

 

My mother-in-law and I are not the best of friends, but my children adore her.  I prefer to follow my mom's example and put up with her then to allow my children to lose the precious gift of a loving grandmother.  That is what mothers do.

 
September 14, 2007, 7:06 am CDT

saboeter

I believe the daughter-in-law is controlling everything. Granted the mother in law had some issues, but all she wants is to be a part of her grandkids lives. I believe the daughter in law does not like her mother -in -law and it has to do with her past issues with her own mother. Too bad the son will not step up to the plate., life is too short to quibble over such nonsense. Instead of trying to destroy the relationship the mom has with her son, the daughter-in-law should cherish each moment her kids have with their grandmom.But her refusal to get or go into counseling,, just tells you who is creating the problems.  I  also believe the daughter-in-law did spend money from the grandmom on her nose. I believe she is very vindictive and uses the grandmom to get something when she needs it, and then pushes her away when she does not need her anymore. What a shame!
 
September 14, 2007, 7:18 am CDT

sabotage? You bet...

Well, this show speaks of my ex-husband and his wife.  Since I divorced him, and even more recently since moving one hour away from the base where he is stationed, they seem hell-bent on getting our two boys away from our home here and keeping them as much as possible in their town.  My first clue that things were going to be hellacious should have been when he told me he would beg at his "dying father's bedside for whatever money it took to make sure (I) never (took) our kids from (him)."  He even promised to bankrupt me if he had to, going in and out of court to stop me at every turn.  (Great, huh?)

My ex places our children directly in the middle of issues that they do not need to be involved in.  After not getting his way for swapping a weekend, for example, he tells the boys about what their step-mom had planned for them, gets them to ask me (again, but without knowing he and I already spoke) to see if they can go.  He refuses to bring the boys to their soccer games, a league they were both signed up for last year when we moved and again this year as that was what they really wanted to do, yet will not listen to their requests to bring them to their games on weekends he has them, won't come see them play, signs them up for a league in his town, much to the boys' protests, as they know that is even less chance they will be coming to play with their teams here.  My ex has refused to allow the boys to be a part of their step-sisters' birthday parties, though the parties took place 10 minutes from his home and the boys would only be gone for maybe 2 hours out of "his time with them".   On the first weekend of the soccer season in my ex's town, he refused to tell me where the boys' games were and my family was forced to drive around town trying to locate one out of numerous soccer games going on that day before we finally found my younger son's game, then found out he lied to us about the time of the game, wouldn't tell us about my older son's games except what town it was in, saying he couldn't remember the name of the field or where it was.   Fortunately my husband knows that town well and took off to go find it and my older son in his soccer game, and shortly thereafter, my ex took left our younger son's game to make it to the field because our first son's game  had ended, so again, he lied about the time of HIS game as well.  

It is a very twisted, convoluted mess that our kids are sorely in the middle of. This manipulation and control that my ex feels no shame about continuing only hurts them and adds so much stress to my family.  While we are divorced, he seems to feel he needs to keep our lives totally embroiled and will stop at nothing to pull the boys away from our home here.  They miss seeing their baby sister, their step-sisters, their school friends, sporting events, school events...the list just goes on.  My husband and I did not move to get the boys away from their father, as he would like others to believe.  We moved for other very rational reasons.  The boys are not getting equal down time at all between their two homes and I am at my limit with veiled threats toward me and manipulation of our children. 

My ex and I are trying to go through a program , mediation of sorts, to try to find a better way of communication with each other for the best interests of our kids.  Our sessions have only been a way for him to further lie about what has gone on, either history with us or in the present, to manipulate, as he is master at doing, someone who doesn't know us at all.  He sends email that only completely frustrates and angers my husband, yet my husband's hands are tied while my ex and I are seeing this mediator.  My husband cannot answer email to set my ex straight or give his opinion, facts, side of anything.  The boys are getting more and more stressed by having what they tell their father fall on deaf ears.  While we try to keep the issues away from them, there is only so much we can do.  Without the same consideration of the second home they live at, we are fighting an uphill battle.

People need to understand kids cannot handle adult issues.  THEY ARE CHILDREN!!!!!!  WE ARE THE GROWN-UPS AND NEED TO ACT AS ADULTS!!!!!

 
September 14, 2007, 7:42 am CDT

09/14 Saboteurs

The grandmother is probably overbearing, but the daughter-in-law is cold.  Where is the son? 

 
September 14, 2007, 7:55 am CDT

OMG!!!

These people are CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
September 14, 2007, 7:57 am CDT

09/14 Saboteurs

The big problem here?  Shane.  What a wimp that he couldn't show up to work this out with HIS mother.  Instead he sends his barracuda of a wife to speak for him.

 

Yes, his mother forgot her boundries and needed to be reined in - but make no mistake Deanna is at the heart of this situation becoming the mountain it is now, instead of the mole hill it should be.

 

Deanna is enjoying her power over grandma in a very unhealthy way.  The glint in her eyes when she spoke so self-rightously showed me her true colors.

 

 

 
September 14, 2007, 8:29 am CDT

Been There!

  Dr. Phil, I wait and watch everything that you have on "in-law relationships".  Today's show was so much like my own life.  My husband and I have been married for 27 years.  My husband is an ordained minister and family is truly so important to both of us.  The relationship between me and my mother-in-law has been toxic since we married.  During the time that we were dating, my mother-in-law was very good to me, but when we announced our engagement, things began to decline rapidly.  For many years, we did whatever we could to get by, but our family experienced a tremendous crisis that brought about a total separation from  my husband's family eleven years ago.  In the beginning, we established the boundary to allow our family unit time to heal, but as time has passed, the estrangement has continued.  As you can imagine, as a Christian family we are always aware and concerned about the lack of relationship that exists.  Having lived this experience, I can identify with both Linda and Deanna.  I am now a grandmother and I truly understand the deep love and joy that grandchildren bring to our lives.  I strive with all my being to be respectful grandmother...I love, support and embrace my children, their spouses and my grandchildren.  I would give anything if my mother-in-law could have been active in mychildren's lives over the years and even today.   At the same time, I so identify with Deanna.  I too am estranged from my parents.  My father passed away and I chose not to attend the funeral.  Although your show did not disclose the specifics, I can only assume that there must have been some sort of abusive, toxic circumstances that brought this about.  In my family, I grew up in a family of incest.  I never told anyone until my adopted son molested within our family.  At that time, my parents ridiculed my husband and me for our choice to seek a residential theraputic program for him.  They did not believe that it happened and if it did they felt that we as parents should have handled it with the home.  Well, it was the one of the many hard decisions that I have had to make, but it was the only decision I could make...I had to separate from my parents and get the help that our family needed.  When one experiences circumstances such as this, trust is damaged and it becomes difficult to trust anyone who brings toxic behaviors into your relationship.  I feel for Deanna because I understand where she is coming from.  Because I believe that family relationships are so important, I hope that Linda and Deanna can rise above and accept the help of a professional so that the children can benefit from both the love of parents and their grandmother.  Although my mother-in-law continues to refuse to work with a third party professional to mediate in our family, I continue to be hopeful that the day will come when our family might reconcile.
 
September 14, 2007, 8:35 am CDT

Dr. Phil is a baaaaaad boy!!

This man can cut to the chase like no one else I know. He read that daughter-in-law's game from the gate and he called it. I don't no many people that can do so much in an hour. My goodness. You go boy. That's all I have to say about you. You are no body's fool man.
 
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