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Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

Number of Replies: 1122
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Created on : Thursday, July 07, 2005, 09:14:12 am
Author : dataimport
Is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? When someone isn't speaking to someone else and they drag the whole family into it, things get ugly. Share your stories and solutions here.

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September 30, 2008, 10:55 am CDT

missing Dad

I haven't spoken to my Dad in over 6 years why? let me begin back when I was a baby and up until I was 8 years old.. I was my Daddy's world and he was mine.. BUT in 1981 my parents divorced and my Dad walked out and left me to care for my then 6 year old brother and an alcoholic mother. I remember that has if it was yesterday and I'm now 36 years old. It was the last Wednesday in April that he did that.. When that happened my childhood came to an end.  From that point on my life was a nightmare even when we moved in with him and his new Wife in 1983 the only that was for the better was the house we lived in and the schools we attended oh I also got 4 more brothers too

I'm a grown women now have a family of my own. and I think what hurts the most is that my Dad doesn't even remember thoses days he denies that it happened even thought I told him it did. I think the breaking point for me was when my oldest son needed him the most and he failed him. My Dad worked about 5mins away from my house at the time when my son needed him and he didn't even bother. I can not understand how he could do that to my son who by the way is Autistic as well.
on top of my one son i have 3 other children that he has nothing to do with.. I don't know why?

I just want my Dad back and I want him to know what he did to me and acknowledge it.

 
September 30, 2008, 11:04 am CDT

I would like to know why also

Quote From: pumpkin0972

I haven't spoken to my Dad in over 6 years why? let me begin back when I was a baby and up until I was 8 years old.. I was my Daddy's world and he was mine.. BUT in 1981 my parents divorced and my Dad walked out and left me to care for my then 6 year old brother and an alcoholic mother. I remember that has if it was yesterday and I'm now 36 years old. It was the last Wednesday in April that he did that.. When that happened my childhood came to an end.  From that point on my life was a nightmare even when we moved in with him and his new Wife in 1983 the only that was for the better was the house we lived in and the schools we attended oh I also got 4 more brothers too

I'm a grown women now have a family of my own. and I think what hurts the most is that my Dad doesn't even remember thoses days he denies that it happened even thought I told him it did. I think the breaking point for me was when my oldest son needed him the most and he failed him. My Dad worked about 5mins away from my house at the time when my son needed him and he didn't even bother. I can not understand how he could do that to my son who by the way is Autistic as well.
on top of my one son i have 3 other children that he has nothing to do with.. I don't know why?

I just want my Dad back and I want him to know what he did to me and acknowledge it.

I can't believe how close to home this it.  I am dealing with the same thing, but its with my niece and my brother.  My brother had a daughter and was going throw a rough time getting visitation rights, etc.  When his daughter was 13, that was the last time he saw her as well as I.  I told her that when she's 18 years old, she'll be old enough to make her own decisions.  I only know part of the story.  Well, last November, I found my niece and contacted her.  I surprised my brother after about a couple of weeks talking with her.  He at the time seemed happy, but that was just a front.  I have this beautiful relationship with my niece and my brother walked out on her again.  I am so hurt and sick over this as well as my niece.  My brother stopped talking to her and I about 3 months ago and blames me for their failed relationship.  I said I have nothing to do with it.  My niece wrote her dad to explain how she felt their relationship was going (no wheres) and my brother didn't like it, so he stopped talking with her and me.  He said he blames her for not reaching out to him when she was 18, etc.  My brother stated many times that he hates her mother, etc.  She told him she doesn't care what his feelings are about her mother, the relationship is about him and her.  My brother couldn't and won't let go of the past and figures to not have her in his life is best.  I feel so bad for my niece because she wanted so bad to believe that her mother was wrong about keeping her from her father all those years, but after what was said, she believes her mom did the right thing.

 

I just don't know how anyone can just walk away.  I know my niece wants her dad in her life, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with her.

 
September 30, 2008, 1:40 pm CDT

life is too short for this!!

Quote From: cjc7165

I can't believe how close to home this it.  I am dealing with the same thing, but its with my niece and my brother.  My brother had a daughter and was going throw a rough time getting visitation rights, etc.  When his daughter was 13, that was the last time he saw her as well as I.  I told her that when she's 18 years old, she'll be old enough to make her own decisions.  I only know part of the story.  Well, last November, I found my niece and contacted her.  I surprised my brother after about a couple of weeks talking with her.  He at the time seemed happy, but that was just a front.  I have this beautiful relationship with my niece and my brother walked out on her again.  I am so hurt and sick over this as well as my niece.  My brother stopped talking to her and I about 3 months ago and blames me for their failed relationship.  I said I have nothing to do with it.  My niece wrote her dad to explain how she felt their relationship was going (no wheres) and my brother didn't like it, so he stopped talking with her and me.  He said he blames her for not reaching out to him when she was 18, etc.  My brother stated many times that he hates her mother, etc.  She told him she doesn't care what his feelings are about her mother, the relationship is about him and her.  My brother couldn't and won't let go of the past and figures to not have her in his life is best.  I feel so bad for my niece because she wanted so bad to believe that her mother was wrong about keeping her from her father all those years, but after what was said, she believes her mom did the right thing.

 

I just don't know how anyone can just walk away.  I know my niece wants her dad in her life, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with her.

I don't know how either.. I could never walk away from my kids. See My Mother was just has fault with all of this has my Dad was and for Years i blamed her and didn't want anything to do with her.. however Once I got married and started a family I knew that it wasn't about MY relationship with her it was My kids relationship with her. So one Night on the phone Her and I had it out and I let all come out. And she didn't make excuses for it she accepted Responsibility for what happened and ever since that day we have been the best of Friends..

My Dad however won't accept responsibility for any of it.. and has the nerve to say it didn't happened.. It was like a slap in the face not once but twice.. He saw how we were living while my mom had custody of us SAW what was happening. But did nothing...

What Hurts the most of all is this Man that looks like my Dad is not my Dad its almost like the moment he married my step-mom he became someone else.. His own mother says"That He was more of a man when he was  married to my mother then he is now and that he is a whimp" From his own Mother.

Another thing is.. I knew at the age of 10 that once I left the house be it marriage or work or whatever I would never see my Dad again or my brothers..Cause of my Step-mom but that is another story..
I could write a book..

But the final final straw for me was last year.. My Family and I moved to Florida and in Feb of last year I lost my grandfather, My Dad's father. I was the power of Attorney and of his Will.. I took care of the funeral arrangements and all that.. Most of the time I was Crying while on the phone with people at one point my husband and to take over. Anyways The one think I asked of my Dad was to be there at the Funeral and he said he couldn't get off of work..which I knew was full of you know what.. He failed me again.. Because of him I had to do all of that plus bury my grandfather without him.

He doesn't even know who I am. He doesn't even know his grandchildren or my husband..

I wish Dr.Phil could help me
 
September 30, 2008, 8:12 pm CDT

Can't Get Over It

All my life my mom has lied to me and acted like I was never there. My first birthday she was late. All because she had to, just had to, see her boyfriend. It was always a boyfriend over her own two daughters. That same year she met the man who would change my life forever, and not in the good way.  He and my mom stayed together until i was 8. They had my baby sister when I was 2. She passed on three months later. After her passing everything went wrong. From age 1 to 8, my mom let me believe my sisters dad was my own. I called him daddy. I was crushed but was not surprised when I found out he was not my real dad. When I was 2 until I was about 6, my "dad" spanked me A LOT. Everytime I didn't eat everything on my plate at dinner, he picked me up and spanked away. At one point, he picked me up by the arm and swung away at my bottom. My mom let him do this to me. It always made me afraid to come home and it was not even that bad of abuse, if you can call it that, which i do. She finally broke up with him when she discovered him in the basement with drugs. Not for us kids, for what he was doing to himself.

When I was fourteen, she met another guy who would be the same way, minus the drugs and hitting. She made me move, for him, to another city. Away from friends and my family, all that I knew was gone because she wanted to be with a man she only knew for a few months and for someone she met on the phone and barely knew. All of that for a stupid guy. They got married after only 6 months. Even before then, he had already made me feel like junk. After a few months of marriage to him, my mom changed majorly. She didn't want to go out and do things with me, like she used to. We would ride bikes together, walk around the city, never again did we do that after she got married. Everything revolved around him. He made me do all the chores around the house. Wash dishes, feed and clean up after the pets, take out the trash. No one else had to do it, just me. I was always used to be able to do everything I wanted to a degree and I didn't have to do any chores, only cleaning up after myself. I've always been independent this way. And then having to be told what to do when I'm already so grown up was so frustrating and I couldn't talk back because I was afraid to get into even more trouble. Then in 07, money wasn't available hardly anymore. My 18th wasn't even celebrated because my mom couldn't plan well, and owed so much money to credit card companies, she had a few cards all the time, and used them for anything. All I got was a cake. It's not like I wanted a huge expensive party. Just some meaningful presents and friends, family around me. And I got none of that. It was just treated as a normal day. Instead of me being able to sit around while people did things for me, it was the other way around. As soon as I graduated, I got out of there. I moved back to my hometown with my friends. Now I'm getting to be myself again. I'm more independent. I do what I want when I want to. I don't go out and party like you might think though. I'm a safe and responsible person, I always have been. I'm happy now. I wish I could forgive my mother for what she's done. But how can I??
 
October 5, 2008, 7:11 pm CDT

Caught in the middle

My daughter and her father have not spoken for nearly a year. She is a young woman and has moved away to another city. Her father and I have been separated since she was five but he was a part of her life . He says she has committed several offenses against him since she was two . He is a very intense person who is driven to succeed and have money.She says he is so mean to her and expects her to be perfect and social climb He is angry because she is independent and has made her own decisions about college, graduate school and work. They are very much alike in temperament. Both easy to anger. However, my daughter gets over stuff easier. Her dad stores up stuff and then explodes. For many years they were the best of buddies. He seemed to adore her, but as she aged and he aged, the relationship changed. Oh yeah, he has a wife and two sons. Over the years he has treated each of them in much the same manner. I get calls from him asking how his daughter is but he will not respond to my request that he call her. He says he will just wait until she has time for him. She says she can't take his rejection and will not be the one to call him because she tried and he refused to call her back. It is killing me to see them lose their relationship. Family is important. Timeis short and things happen. He has been sick lately. I tried to get her to call him and check on him but she just said he would probably refuse to take her call and she would be devastated. I know more than she does about the world. I wish she would give in because he won't. He is too hard. I know they love one another. I feel I will lose my daughter if I push her to give in. I have no influence over him. He has treated me badly at times as well. I have learned to let things go. Life is short. How do I get them together without losing her?
 
October 6, 2008, 6:11 pm CDT

Repairing Broken Relationships

Quote From: jaimie1974

Over the years, youve become the go-between person; that has to be emotionally exhausting for you! You have to make a decision for yourself; either continue being the go-between and suffer emotional exhaustion, or, accept the fact that both of them are stubborn- that this is THEIR issue, not yours, and remove yourself from the middle. You dont have to be there; I know it feels like you do, but you do not. It is understandable that you want her to have this relationship, and that you want him to have this relationship- however, it is up to them to create that relationship. You are powerless over this situation, and you are wasting your time and energy staying in the middle.
As her mother, of course you want your daughter to have the best life possible. But, she is an adult and she has to make decisions for herself now. She has decided that she cant tolerate her fathers judgment and rejection, and honestly I dont blame her. We all have a breaking point, and she has reached hers. Leave it alone. Otherwise, you risk damaging the relationship that you have with her; it isnt worth it!
Thank you for your insight. I guess I know what you say is true deep in my intellectual heart. It is my emotional heart that is struggling to disengage. I am a mother and a "motherer". I am generally a happy person and I want everyone else to be happly and at peace. For now I am going to let this go. I have no choice except my daughter. The holidays are approaching and I feel anxious about that time of year. It is always stressful when you have a combined/split family but this may be more than I can bear. Who knows? I may just leave town and come back in the spring. Again thank you for responding.
 
October 7, 2008, 12:58 pm CDT

Broken Family

 

         I could use some help. About 7 years ago, I divorced my husband after 22 years because I could no longer endure his abusive nature. I felt at last, that it was best to distance myself from him both for my children's sake (20, 19, 16, 15, & 13 at the time), as well as mine. I am sure that there are some folks out there who understand the environment of some Christian churches. My chilren and I were cast out, and abandoned by almost everyone we knew at the time. My ex husband is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type, but most people did not know that. Anyway, since then, my children and I have had a very difficult time, especially financially. I did not forsee all the issues that we were going to end up dealing with, issues that stemmed from the abuse that my ex-husband doled out to each of us. Now my oldest daughter has stopped speaking to me, without feeling any obligation of explaining to me how I have offended her. I have tried every way I can to apologize, ask forgiveness for mistakes made, etc. However, to no avail. It has been about a year since she stopped speaking to me. I also have an old friend of 25 years, my children's Aunt, who has also stopped speaking to me without feeling any obligation to tell me why. I know that my daughter has contact with my friend/her Aunt. I have tried to resolve whatever is wrong, but again to no avail. I just want my kids and I to be a family again. I want to be able to talk to my friend. As I live with my sons, it seems as if we have been cut off by other family members. What can I do to resolve things so that I can have my ids and I being a family again? There are of course other problems that work into the fabric above, which I did not mention here, because it would just make things to involved to understand. I would appreciate any input. Thank you for everyone's time. Lorna

 
October 24, 2008, 10:53 am CDT

New Relationship with Siblings

I grew up not knowing my biological father, he and my mother divorced when I was 2 and he never attempted to make contact or pay child support while I was growing up.  I spoke to him once when I was newly married and felt he was trying to place blame on my mother, after that I had no interest in talking to him again.  He has 4 children from his 2nd wife, who he divorced like 15 yrs ago.  I grew up knowing of these children and have always been curious about them.

This last May the oldest daughter found me and we spoke on the phone for the first time!  We have since e-mailed and texted each other and I recently have done the same with the youngest sister.  I would really like to have a relationship with them but I am worried that my dislike for our biological father might taint a possibly wonderful sister relationship.  Can I have a good relationship with my sisters, without having to have one with my father?  We are hoping to meet this next summer.

We have all had difficult childhoods, sadly my sisters were far worse than mine.  I believe my father is to balme for the bad things that happened to them, due to his irresponsibilty as a parent and a human being.

 
October 27, 2008, 5:10 pm CDT

Repairing a splintered family

 I come from a family of 3 children. A brother whom is 7 years older and a sister(adopted) who is 8 months older.   My sister and I have had a close relationship and yet we are very different.  I have witnessed her controlled by her husband for their whole marriage.  He has verbally abused her and the children and on occasion she would tell me of him going too far in disciplining them and he would abuse them.  I look at it as abuse and she looks at it as crossing the line and not being OK but it keeps happening.  My sister is a yeller and regularly knuckle thumps her kids to get them to do what she wants or just to demand their respect for her.  I had presumptions that her husband wasn't being faithful and my sister did find this to be true and so the relationship escalated to a different level that it had ever been before.  A little time went on, a few months, and I watched my sister go through hell trying to decide how to get through the day.  Then,  her daughter showed me a huge bruise that she got from her Dad kicking her and I got very upset.  I contacted my sister and tried to talk to her about it and she got upset with me and told me she was handling it and hung up on me.  I had told her that I thought that she should call the police and she was appalled.    I took matters into my own hands and called the police myself to at least try to raise the awareness in the household.  This is where my whole family a been shattered.  My brother hasn't talked to me since and my parents struggle with whether it was necessary or not.  My sister is hurt and feels that I have "accused" her husband of one of the worst things possible and I hold my ground.  I am sad because my whole family has stopped gathering, or I should say,  they have stopped including me.  My parents are wanting the family to come back together and putting pressure on me to repair the situation, what do I do?
 
October 28, 2008, 4:42 am CDT

One try .....

Quote From: sherbaby

 I come from a family of 3 children. A brother whom is 7 years older and a sister(adopted) who is 8 months older.   My sister and I have had a close relationship and yet we are very different.  I have witnessed her controlled by her husband for their whole marriage.  He has verbally abused her and the children and on occasion she would tell me of him going too far in disciplining them and he would abuse them.  I look at it as abuse and she looks at it as crossing the line and not being OK but it keeps happening.  My sister is a yeller and regularly knuckle thumps her kids to get them to do what she wants or just to demand their respect for her.  I had presumptions that her husband wasn't being faithful and my sister did find this to be true and so the relationship escalated to a different level that it had ever been before.  A little time went on, a few months, and I watched my sister go through hell trying to decide how to get through the day.  Then,  her daughter showed me a huge bruise that she got from her Dad kicking her and I got very upset.  I contacted my sister and tried to talk to her about it and she got upset with me and told me she was handling it and hung up on me.  I had told her that I thought that she should call the police and she was appalled.    I took matters into my own hands and called the police myself to at least try to raise the awareness in the household.  This is where my whole family a been shattered.  My brother hasn't talked to me since and my parents struggle with whether it was necessary or not.  My sister is hurt and feels that I have "accused" her husband of one of the worst things possible and I hold my ground.  I am sad because my whole family has stopped gathering, or I should say,  they have stopped including me.  My parents are wanting the family to come back together and putting pressure on me to repair the situation, what do I do?

If it's any consolation you know you did the right thing.  My family split doesn't involve violence but I have thought about the issues surrounding family breakdown for some years.  My conclusion is that you have a duty as a human being before you have a duty to family.  Unfortunately many people believe family comes before individuals within the family.  Those people would have your niece kicked rather than bring an objective outside agency into the picture which might prevent any future assaults on her. 

 

From my own experience I suspect the situation is not going to improve whatever you do.  However you might send a letter to your sister and her husband, your brother and your parents.  (Send it to all three so that your sister and her husband can't misrepresent it to your brother and your parents.  That's a favourite trick they might try)  Say you are sorry about the current situation, that you acted as you did because you could not see what your sister and her husband were doing to make sure and that you acted as you did you couldn't see what was being done about the situation your niece was facing.  Apologise to your sister and husband for not trusting them to do the best for their daughter.  (Thu is gives them the pound of flesh they require in terms of an apology whilst not conceding they have the right to kick your niece and not have the police called.)  Then offer to attend family counselling/mediation with them in order to mend the fences. 

 

As I said I doubt this will get you anywhere so your defence from now on needs to be that you acted as you did because your sister wouldn't tell you want she was doing to handle the situation.  If only you'd known they were starting counselling or something you wouldn't have made the call. 

 
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