Topic : Repairing Broken Relationships

It is unusual for a daughter to behave this way toward her family. It is usually the other way around but I do know of one other case where the daughter did this.

Is your daughter insecure? It is unusual about an ultimatum, and the stronger person belittling them and making them feel like a loser and a child for needing their mother.

I think it could be manipulation but I don't know her. Could drugs be involved? Has she lost her feelings. Could it be depression?

Keep trying, and you might want to try to be extra kind to her husband if he is calling the shots. Whatever you say, your daughter will share with him, so be careful. Hang in there, she will be around when she needs you.

I am a daughter in law of a troubled parent. I have been married for 16 yrs. The biggest problem I have found with my mother in law is that she insist on judging not just me but every daughter in law she has had. My husband has a sister in law that clearly has issues with everyone in her husbands family and my mother in law on added to our problems. I hope that as a future mother in law myself that I never judge my son's wife and can accept the fact that he will be the head of his household. If my son will allow his wife to disrepect any member of his family, it is he that I will blame and hold accountable. I have never disrepected my mother in law but I have been disrepected by her. I trust my husband to deal with his own family the best he can and he will keep his mother straight, that is not my roll as a daughter in law. Take your family to church and be an example for them. Trust that they make their own decisions in life and don't be so quik to point the finger at anyone other than your own child. I bet your sons did gladly agree with everything that you arranged so that they didn't have to take any heat from both sides. You are the one they are looking to for guidance dispite what they may say or do. Take the high road as a mom and bring your family together. It is the best decision you will ever make. Make your daughter in laws feel like the most loved dauther in laws in the world, just as you would want their parents to treat you kids. You can mend this relationship and it is up to you as the mom to get your sons together and hold them accountable. If everyone could be as forgiving to others as they are their own children, there would be no problems. They are your daughters now and should be treated as such. Give each one the benefit of doubt and show a little trust, it will go a long way. It isn't your place to get into their finances. If they are willing to go into debt they need to get themselves out. Let your son deal with his own issues with his wife, but give positive advice if asked. He evidently didn't have a problem with her new SUV or he would have made her take it back for the sake of their marriage. Your son needs to be a man and take responsability for his home. If there are touchy issues, put boundaries around the subject to protect your relationship. If your son's married them, they must be worth loving. A mothers love is to be unconditional.

I think you should just apologize to your mom and the reason I feel this way is because, you went into the store without even asking or considering how your mother felt about it. Your mother should have told you if she were uncomfortable in the first place instead of just running out like a maniac. The fact is she is your mom and perhaps you should ask her in the future how she feels about your intentions prior to you doing anything that involves her. A mom generally don't just look to start a confilct with her child and she sounds really scared in this situation. I think you did the right thing and as a mom myself, I would have gone with you and stood there to support you but I am not your mom and don't know how she feels about these issues. I truly feel that your mom was terrified and that feeling does cause other emotions like anger to follow. If you feel that you were truly doing the right thing and I think you were, then tell your mom that but apologize for not asking her feelings and dong something that freightened her. Just be aware when you are with mom to consider asking her how she feels when a decision affects her. Hope this helps, let me know how it goes.

I just needed to know something..

my dad he hasnt paid child support in a while like 6 months.. which equals out to about 13,000. So he owns that too my mom. well tonight my mom told me that shes serving my dad with papers for not paying. okay? and i know he needs to pay. but my mom says if he doesn't pay right away then he'll go to jail. the thing i was wondering is, they wouldn't do that right the court system they wouldn't just through him in jail they'd give him some sort of time to come up with this money, right? and if he couldn't pay how long would it be, the sentence?... i know he needs to pay, but i just don't want to see my dad in jail.

if you could help me, if you know please tell me. thanks.

Hi my name is Denise,

I am from Australia, yes we get Dr Phil here!! He's loved everywhere.Even down under.

My family has been recovering from alcoholism for 10 years. I have six children and have gone through hell to keep our family together and well.

I think the most important lesson for me to learn was Alcoholism is a disease based in denial.

I am not an alcoholic, will never understand what it takes for someone to have an illness that makes them hurt themselves. But living through the effects of alcoholism on me and my children, I have learned what to do to take care of myself and even to find happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

I have retrained my attitudes towards my children's, fathers SICKNESS into a sickness not a moral issue.

Which does not mean I am a door mat!! It means, if I understand the problem, I know what Ive got to work with.

My family has not only turned active alcoholism into my family fully having sobriety, and serenity, but what we have achieved I could never have dreamed would ever happen.

All that needed to happen was for me as the mother of our household to take responsibility for myself, learn about the disease, change my attitudes and keep the focus on myself.

This worked for my family, ALCOHOLISM ISN'T GOING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART.

Thanks Dr Phil and Robyn, in what you have done to bring awareness to this world.

Denise

  I went on strike when my daughter was a teanager. She's an only child, and I worked. Neither her Dad, or herself would do anything to help me around the house. I did everything for her as she was growing up. I couldn't work, do things for her, and do everything. When I asked for help, they'd say, ok, but nothing would come of it. I can't put all the blame on my daughter. She says it was my job, as the Mom, to keep a clean house, do all the laundry, work, and take her where she needed, or wanted to go. I kow I spoiled her, and gave her abut everything she wanted. She's married now, with 2 kids. She still blames me, and degrades me. She won't answer my calls very often. We live close to each other, but she doesn't call, unless she want's me to do something for her. I have gotten to where it's hard for me to be around her. She treats her animals better than she does me. There has been part of me that has just shut down, because I don't want to feel the hurt anyonger. I do have a disability, and she could care less if I'm sick, or having trouble. I was in the hospital a lot last winter, and she came to see me about 3 times. I was in intensive care 2 times, and she never came up once. The nurses even had the Chaplin come in, because they didn't think I had any family. I had to have surgery, and the first time it was going to take place, she wasn't going to be there. She keeps saying that she has 2 children, like I don't know that. I went back in 3 weeks later, and did have the surgery, and she was there this time. She only cares if it's going to benifit her. She ent through almost 4 yers of Migraine headaches, and I was there to take her to the hospital, and she went to the er 2 or 3 times a week. I have COPD, which is a progressive desease of the lungs. I took care of the kids a lot, when she just couldn't. She doesn't have them now, so it's like she has no use for me, and she acts like she could care less.. Just a week ago, I was going to go over and make dinner for her and the kids. She e-mailed me and asked me about it. I told her that i'd been sick for 3 days, and if I still felt better, I'd try to get over there. She didn't ask what was wrong, or are you ok now. She said  ok, what time are you going to come over. Should I keep taking this treatment? I kow I made mistakes when she was growing up, and i"ve told her that I'm sorry. What more can I do. I think she just needs to grow up, and stop acting like a baby. She sends me the most rude and hateful e-mails that I've seen. I'd never send anything like that to anyone, let alone my family. My sisters are so upset with her, and I tell them to leave it alone. I don't know what to do anymore. There is a part of my heart that has shut down, because of the way she treats me, and talks to me. How do I get past this? I don't know what else I can do. I'm still there, every time she needs me, but I'm to the point that I don't want to be around her. I want to see the kids. The last time I was there, I made dinner for them, and before we even ate, she told me that I couldn't stay, because she wanted to go to bed erly. This was about 6:30pm.  I"d really appreciate any advice. I don't kow what to do anymore. I hate feeling like this, but I can't help it.  My daughter is 28, not a child.

  Shara1

I have not written in a while but a lot has been going on. Worse than ever now. My 16 year old has really lost control now and has done things that I just cannot believe. She has gone down and filed a report on me saying I choked her and has made false alligations against me. She has gotten the school involved and she is not living with us right now. All the charges were dropped with no finding Thank God but how could she do this to me? We have been threw so much and I just can not believe it has gotten to this point. I have had to defend myself in ways I just can not believe. She wanted all my kids taken away from me out of anger because I tried to tell her she could not go out one day and she left anyway walked right out of my house and jumped in her boyfriends car waiting outside for her. I am so hurt that I just dont know if I will ever get over the lies she has told and the things that she has done. We want her to get help and DSS just wants her home. I dont trust her and now I am petrified of what she is capable of. If she has gone this far how far is she willing to go to get what she wants next time? Any advice...

Dad-

Sometimes I think about you, Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recognize The woman that your little girl has grown up to be!
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see Are your brown eyes lookin back at me They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all
I think about how it aint fair You weren't around to cheer me on

Did you think I didn't need you here To hold my hand, To dry my tears, Did you even miss me through the years at all?

I think about how it aint fair That you weren't there to see me off on my first day of school Like fathers do, or there when I woke up from surgery like fathers are supposed to do. You weren’t there when I turned 16 or when I was learning to drive. You never had to come to the school to pick me up when I was in trouble and got kicked out. You’ve never meet one of my dates at the front door when I was getting ready and tried to scare him off or make him scared. You never got to see me off to my prom. You weren’t there the night I tried to run away from my problems. You weren’t there When I was sad and needed someone to talk to, No I had to pick up the phone to talk to you because you were to far away. And how come you rarely visited me, after I joined ffa you could have come and watched me show like fathers do. But I guess you were to busy. I guess I… understand how its easer to go spend may a week in south Dakota but its harder to come watch your daughter win many ribbons and trophies at the fair. You weren’t around when I won state camp in round robin. I was the best in the state of Washington! And you weren’t there once again!

Dad I don’t mean to bring up the past but ever scents that one summer and even the summers before that I have felt that you don’t even know me for me! I also feel that I have put more into this relationship then you have. Im sorry but its way past time. You don’t know your daughter and I don’t know my father.

Its also not fair how you baby my sister but beat me up with either words or even…. Face it you and your family love my sister more then me! You may think that’s harsh but Its has been this was for 20 years! 20 years too long. If you go to Dixie’s try to find a picture of me! Here’s a clue you wont find one. Do you know what I like to do in my spar time? No you don’t! its funny I don’t know who, im more mad at you, for treating me like this or at my self for putting up with it for all these years!

I wish I had the guts to write this a long time ago but its never too later to tell you how I feel.

Did you even know I learned to love construction because its what you did. I took up trap shooting to make you happy! I have tried so hard to get you to like me or even love me I so badly wanted to have what you and my sister have. but as the years went on I learned that no mater how hard I tried you would always have my sister as your favorite. Now its time you know I feel. I am not mad just more disappointed. I only have one father on this earth and most days it feels like I don’t have one.

Im sorry this must come as a suprize. Because you don’t know the real me But you need to know how I feel. You didn’t know this but after that summer I sat up many night wandering if I should let you back into my life or not. I want you in my life but it feels like your not in my life. Forgiveness is such a simple word But it's so hard to do when you've been hurt And I hate to say this but I feel that its not going to get better the damage has already been done. Im not sure how much help or problem this letter is going to cause but its past due. Please know I will always love you as my father.

But how can I love some one who lies to me, you cant have a good relationship when the base of it is lies. You have told me many long ended tails before and they have gotten old, why did you think that telling me stories and down our right lies wouldn’t hurt me? Face it We lead two different life’s I’m not your littler girl any more and never was I have grown up with out you and I’m moving on. And I know how much you want me to move to Wyoming so I will get way from my mother, right? Of Corse I am right that the only reason you would take me in the summers and every other holiday, to make my mother mad! All you care about is your self! but I’m happy here and I may of said that I’ve wanted to move there but I only said that you keep you happy. But the truth is I’ve seen the world and I love living here in my home town. With people who love me a friends I can count on.

So sorry to disappoint you again! but now you know who I am and how I feel!!!

Sorry it took 20 years to tell you. But I have wondered what the next 20 years have in store for us, I hope it’s a better 20 years! But like the past 20 years I have learned not to count on  you for much!

Thank you for your reply, it helps to get advice and feedback. No, my Mom's not going thru menopause-like me, she had a surgical hysterectomy years ago. You are right about the fact that this is more than what happened that day, it has to do with problems in our family that have went on for years.
     As for an update, I've tried to let things "calm down", but it hasn't worked. Now, my Mom is causing my grandmother grief, because since she isn't talking to me, she is taking things out on my grandma, which saddens me. She has also cut off contact with my Son, due to being mad at me, so that isn't fair to him.
     As far as my sister is concerned, I waited on her to contact me during her vacation here, cause I didn't want to upset my mom any further, and ruin my sister's vacation. Well, my sister and I only visited about 20 minutes.
     My sister called me last week, and I returned her call yesterday. I explained to her why I didn't try to see her while she was here, because she thought I was mad at her or something. I didn't know what she knew about what was going on, didn't know what my mom had told her. BAD MISTAKE calling her. She talked with my mom, told her I called, and told her what I said about how my mom is acting and what's going on down here in Florida---my mom took it out on my grandma--she was supposed to help my grandma by giving her  some much needed money, and didn't do it because of me calling my sister. Plus, giving my grandma grief and griping about it.
  My mom got all mad at my grandma for telling me that my sister and her family had plans to move. When I told my sister this, she said that she never told my mom to not tell me. So, I guess my sister must've thought I lied about my mom getting mad at my grandma!
   The bottom line is, that, my sister only believes what my mom says, and nothing about what I, my son, my husband, or my grandma says. She is a couple thousand miles away, and doesn't see or understand what havoc my mom is creating down here.
   My mom isn't married, has no friends, and takes all her problems out on us. She thinks she has such a bad life, but she doesn't, it's her perception. She has always seen the negative in everything, is paranoid severely, and always in a bad mood. She needs to get help with this.
  I'm sad that my sister doesn't realize this, because instead of trying to help her, or make things more smooth, she fuels her fire by spreading gossip and telling my mom everything about our conversations. I've said before, as so have others in our family, that it's best to not talk to my sister about my mom at all. I guess this will have to be the case, but it's sad, because siblings should be able to communicate about their parent(s).
  One thing that really bothers me, is that my mom says bad things about my sisters husband, and my sister would never believe it if I told her. She doesn't realize that my mom talks bad about the person who isn't there at the time. She talks bad about me to my sister, and vice versa, but my sister has no idea she does this.
   Thanks to all of you for your help and advice, it means a lot, more than you know. Just to get any replies makes me feel like there's someone who cares. I feel so lonlely and sad with my family in this situation. I especially feel bad for my grandma, because this bothers her greatly, and she has high blood pressure problems. She came to my house yesterday, which is odd, she usually calls first, because my mom had come to see her and upset her real bad. She said she couldn't sit down and sew anymore, she was so distraught about my mom, and needed to talk to someone and get out of the house so she wouldn't dwell on it.
Thanks for listening.

Thank you for your reply. I understand what you are saying, and you're right. I would like to talk to her, but she has requested that I never speak to her again, that she never wants to see me again, and has told my grandmother that she doesn't want my grandma to talk to her about me ever again. Now, she has added my son to that, and says she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore because of me.

   I also have some new circumstances, I wrote about them in another post to another reply.
I am so glad you responded, because it makes me feel like someone cares. With my mother's mental state, I don't know if I'll ever get  the chance to  apologize to her and let her know that I didn't mean to scare her in that store situation.
  My mother is really taking her frustrations out on my grandma, and it is upsetting her badly. I hope she stops this. Even if she says mad at me, I hope and pray that she lets up on my grandma. She is too good of a person to suffer for this.
   And, my mother, I believe, has some severe mental health issues that I don't believe she'll ever get help for. She has been this way her whole life, is paranoid, negative, and in such a negative state that I know it's hard to come out of. She lets her whole day get ruined, because she gets mad about the littlest of things, and constantly obsesses about every bad thing that's ever happened to her in her life. She can't let go. She has a good job, nice house, nice kids and grandkids, and she can't see it all through the negative cloud over her head.

Thanks for listening.